Marriage?!?!

[Perdie85]

Hi all, I’m new here but needing some advice please?

So.. me and my partner have been together for 12years, I have a child from a previous relationship, which my partner has now become a really good step-dad.

In 12 years, we’ve moved house once, changed cars 4 times, have two dogs and have two wonderful children also. We have talked and had serious conversations about life and what we both would like to happen and where we both see ourselves in years to come. We get on great, maybe not the past 12months due to my partners anxiety and depression, it has taken a toll a small bit on our relationship. But even before that like 8/9 years ago my partner still didn’t want to get married, nor does he even now. Back then he said marriage was for mugs and why would he want to get married?!. yes I thought also at the time what a complete nob! ( He does have some good qualities to him) lol. We spoke about it and he said he never wanted to get married. I thought it’s ok, we have plenty of time and our futures together and he will probably change his mind.

Roll onto now and the excuse now is that ‘ we can’t afford it ‘.. Yes us ladies have dreamt of a big beautiful lavish wedding, but I have been to a few over the past few years to know what I would like and wouldn’t like and it’s defiantly not a big white wedding where we’re spending xxx amount of cash! Small private intimate is more my style, sorry if I offend anyone by that. Each to their own 😜.
The think is, like I said above, the last 12months we’ve had a rocky patch due to my partners issues, but we’ve come out of it at the other end, yes he’s always going to have these issues to some degree but I also think now he doesn’t ever want to get married to ME. Things have changed in the last 12years, but I still love him if not more now than I did at the beginning. He really is my everything.
I did give him a timescale few years back and said I’d he hadn’t asked me by the end of year I was leaving, obvs I’m still here. Hehe 😉

Everyone around is getting married or has got married. And yes I am jealous but also that I would love nothing more than to commit to this man who I deeply love and couldn’t live without. He’s been my rock and I have been his. Like many couples we have had our ups as downs and bicker, but we laugh at the end of it like there’s no tomorrow. There’s nothing more I could give to have my partners name and be proud.

So my question is this.. what the hell do I do? I’m more upset now, than jealous of others, to the fact that I don’t think think this man loves me enough for us to marry.

Thank you in advice for any responses.. xx

Good luck!

Evidence of the enduring power of repeated, open, honest talks.

Congratulations!

My sister eloped and it hurt. However I'm a grown up, she's a grown up, and she'll be invited to my wedding when I have one. I understand why she did it, and I forget and forgive. If you choose to have a small wedding then I'm sure any of your friends and family who don't get an invite will understand, if not immediately, but in time.

The reason why he might be inconsistent in what he says for the next couple of days is because had built up in his head all this church + organ + hundreds of people + tux + photographs + whatever and was just blotting that out going "Naanananananananana..." with his fingers in his ears. He might not have actually given any thought whatsoever about what the alternative looks like, so at this stage he might be making it all up as he goes along, and thinking on his feet minute-to-minute. So as much as I know you're all excited (as you damn well should be!!!) do try to give him some time to sort out in his own head "If not THIS type of wedding.... then what...?"

Congratulations again, and best of luck!

That all sounds great OP. Good idea to get the solicitors appointment done asap too, tide you over in case of any delays to the wedding. Remember to tell them you're considering marriage soon as well, so they can make the will in contemplation of marriage. Marriage voids it otherwise.

Sethis: “My sister eloped and it hurt. However I'm a grown up, she's a grown up, and she'll be invited to my wedding when I have one. I understand why she did it, and I forget and forgive”

Jesus Christ, that attitude is scary, there was nothing to forgive! She got married exactly the way she wanted to - why are you not thrilled for her that she got to have HER wedding HER way?

Absolutely nuts! No wonder some people are put off marriage, it’s the insane wannabe guests that ruin the whole thing.

And I think you owe her a massive apology if you’ve even so much as thrown a hurt look her way, to be honest.

What a fucking cheek! Criticising someone because their wedding denied you the chance to buy a new dress and have free meal. Perhaps your attitude is the very reason they decided to elope. Very sensible of them.
Sorry OP. I realise this is a diversion.

Last couple of comments are very unkind. Are you really suggesting that the only reason someone might be sad about missing a close friend or family member's wedding is because they don't get a "free meal" out of it?

Most weddings I've been to have cost an arm and a leg in travel and accommodation and gifts. It would be cheaper to go for dinner in a Michelin starred restaurant a lot of the time.

But that's not why you go to weddings. You go to see people you care about get married.

Because the bride and groom want you there to witness it. If a bride and groom don’t want any guests and then get given a hard time for that decision by some family or friends, well, that’s out of order.

No one is saying that the couple shouldn't choose to get married the way they want. Of course they should.

But that doesn't mean people's feelings of disappointment aren't legitimate and I think those comments (especially about the "free meal") were mean and uncalled for.

Feelings of disappointment? At what? How can someone be disappointed that their sister got to have her dream wedding? The disappointment is from projection of THEIR idea of their sister’s dream wedding and how it should be and THEIR desired own place at it.

It isn’t about you, Wannabe Guest. It’s your sister’s day and she’s Entitled to get married exactly as she wishes without being made to feel guilty by her family!

In this particular example, the family think it’s a bad enough act to actually need forgiving!

Absolutely astounded at how some people make it all about them and can’t just be happy for other people during their big life moments.

Ugh, seriously, wind your neck in. Its totally fine for people to have the wedding they want or elope if that's what they want to do. It's also fine - and very normal - to feel a bit sad about missing such an important milestone in the life of someone you love. Stop trying to make everything so black and white to justify your own rudeness.

@CurlyhairedAssassin

You know nothing. Nothing about my family or the dynamics involved. You know nothing of my history, my mother, my father or my sister.

But by all means, keep being judgemental, insulting and talking about shit you know nothing about as though your opinion actually mattered to me. If you think my feelings are completely invalid based on no evidence of any kind whatsoever, by all means keep thinking that. It's a free world, after all.

And no, it wasn't "her dream wedding". It was done that way for reasons I don't feel the need to elaborate on. So take your aggression and stuff it, thanks.

If there’s a big family dynamic/complicated backstory as to exactly why you weren’t invited to your sister’s wedding maybe it wasn’t a good idea to post on this thread where the discussion is simply about the compromise over someone’s preference for a small no-fuss marriage ceremony with few if any guests versus their partner’s wishes for a more elaborate traditional affair.

They are two different situations completely and you didn’t make that clear at all.

The thread has been derailed and for that I apologise to the OP and wish you congratulations. I hope you can come to a compromise on the type of wedding you want and thoroughly enjoy married life from that point on.

The thread has been derailed and for that I apologise to the OP and wish you congratulations.

In large part down to you, so perhaps you could apologise for your rudeness and needless aggression and drop the subject. Or if that's really not possible, just drop the subject.

I posted a message of support and congratulations to the OP about her decision to have/not have a smaller wedding with fewer guests than maybe she had initially imagined. I used an example from my own experience to illustrate that she shouldn't worry about how friends and family could react, because even if people are a bit upset not to be invited at the time, they get over it.

For whatever reason, I was attacked and insulted for that message. Maybe instead of being so profoundly uncivil you could also have simply posted a positive message to the OP.

Again, OP, congratulations and best of luck with sorting out something that makes you both extremely happy.