Marriage?!?!

[Perdie85]

Hi all, I’m new here but needing some advice please?

So.. me and my partner have been together for 12years, I have a child from a previous relationship, which my partner has now become a really good step-dad.

In 12 years, we’ve moved house once, changed cars 4 times, have two dogs and have two wonderful children also. We have talked and had serious conversations about life and what we both would like to happen and where we both see ourselves in years to come. We get on great, maybe not the past 12months due to my partners anxiety and depression, it has taken a toll a small bit on our relationship. But even before that like 8/9 years ago my partner still didn’t want to get married, nor does he even now. Back then he said marriage was for mugs and why would he want to get married?!. yes I thought also at the time what a complete nob! ( He does have some good qualities to him) lol. We spoke about it and he said he never wanted to get married. I thought it’s ok, we have plenty of time and our futures together and he will probably change his mind.

Roll onto now and the excuse now is that ‘ we can’t afford it ‘.. Yes us ladies have dreamt of a big beautiful lavish wedding, but I have been to a few over the past few years to know what I would like and wouldn’t like and it’s defiantly not a big white wedding where we’re spending xxx amount of cash! Small private intimate is more my style, sorry if I offend anyone by that. Each to their own 😜.
The think is, like I said above, the last 12months we’ve had a rocky patch due to my partners issues, but we’ve come out of it at the other end, yes he’s always going to have these issues to some degree but I also think now he doesn’t ever want to get married to ME. Things have changed in the last 12years, but I still love him if not more now than I did at the beginning. He really is my everything.
I did give him a timescale few years back and said I’d he hadn’t asked me by the end of year I was leaving, obvs I’m still here. Hehe 😉

Everyone around is getting married or has got married. And yes I am jealous but also that I would love nothing more than to commit to this man who I deeply love and couldn’t live without. He’s been my rock and I have been his. Like many couples we have had our ups as downs and bicker, but we laugh at the end of it like there’s no tomorrow. There’s nothing more I could give to have my partners name and be proud.

So my question is this.. what the hell do I do? I’m more upset now, than jealous of others, to the fact that I don’t think think this man loves me enough for us to marry.

Thank you in advice for any responses.. xx

Why does he have to comprimise?
So you've got what you want - dp to marry you

And now you want jam on it ?
(Fancy wedding )
I'd have married my husband in s bin bag in a plough field.
Not everyone likes to be the centre of attention.
I had a friend who one weekend married her long term partner/ didn't tell anyone.

Have I not said in the previous posts?! He’s actually told me why and explained the reasons why he didn’t want to get married and we spoke about it last night and he assumed it’s becuase I wanted ‘the wedding’. So that’s his reason why he said he didn’t want to get married!
And no he wouldn’t necessarily lose his family unit.. we hadn’t spoke about that, nor did I say to him, marry me or I’m leaving!

But now as we both have got older and more wiser etc, I am thinking more and more about marriage to this man.

What for?

He does not want to marry you

Why think about something which is never going to happen ?

In addition he's got the finances all sown up and all you have is a zero hours contract job.

Please wake up.

But he's still saying he doesn't want to tell anyone.

Do you really want to get married and keep it a secret?

Ok op, but you said it to us, you said you couldn't continue in the relationship without it, so it's natural people assumed you were telling him the same.

It's getting confusing because you're saying also he's assumed you want the wedding, but then state basically you want both your families and best friends there, so you do want the wedding. He was right?

Interesting update OP! I had more to say in the sub-discussion I was having earlier, but it's irrelevant now so best not derail.

So basically where you're at now is, he will get married but with nobody you know there and telling no-one else. Does that mean ever, or just until it's done? And you want to get married but with a few friends and family there.

How about getting married with just your kids present, or maybe parents too? TBH I actually kind of get where he's coming from in that he would already be compromising by marrying, but also it becomes more difficult when you want to invite people but only a small number. It could be much less complex just to go and do it the two of you.

Also a word of warning, do make sure this actually happens. Don't be fobbed off by getting engaged. Start planning. The benefit of a bare bones wedding is that you can do it without needing time to save up.

In fact the more I think about it, the more I think it may be wise just get this done with whatever conditions he puts on it.

You're in a very vulnerable position and he holds all the cards. If you split up or he dies, you're going to be financially fucked, and even if you were to agree to stay together unmarried you can't make him give you part of the house or make a will favouring you. So even if you take the view that he's not compromising just by getting married, and that he should meet you in the middle with the ceremony, you're taking a big risk. He has a lot more power than you do in this situation.

I think you do want a big wedding ( you've just reeled off loads of people that you would want to come) and your partner knows it . If he caves in and agrees , then a huge ball will be set rolling , a big wedding will be planned and he will have no say in it all.

OP did you sort your finances out today on your day off or has he side stepped it?

AssignedNorthernAtBirth.. he said he wouldn’t want to tell anyone until we are actually married, so that’s why I thought we could have small do after/later to let everyone know and he agreed.
He did change his mind over the ‘no-one to know’, to ‘we’ll have our parents there and our children will obviously be there’
I understand where he is coming from with this, neither of us like to be centre.

I’m kind of getting mixed signals from him to be honest, like he said it wasn’t for him.. marriage, to then saying he didn’t want to get married because thought I wanted a ‘wedding’ to then him saying ‘he wanted no one there’ to tchanhing his mind to yes let our parents be there. I don’t know what to believe or think.

If someone is this unsure , then I wouldn't want to marry them , you have to be 100% positive.

You could get married and he might throw it back in your face saying he was pressured into it .

Are you sure he's not just saying what he thinks you want to hear?

He's hedging. It's not what he wants.

Not really Adaline, as he could have told me anything. I haven’t actually laid it on thick that I want to marry and/or that’s it if he doesn’t. I’ve been honest with him about what I had hoped for, what I wish for, what I would like to happen between us. I told him to be honest with me also, no matter what and we could work on both our wishes of what we want to happen. So I don’t believe he’s told me what I want to hear but at the same time, he’s not giving me an exact answer neither.

I want to talk to him again, but feel like doing so I’m nagging at him as it’s been going on now for a few days. But I need to know for defiante what he wants and/or wishes to happen between us

Sounds to me like he's saying what he hopes he can get away with saying, while he's not actually committing to anything.

It's a bit "if I say xyz" I won't lose her.

The way I see it, he's now agreed to marry. So get things moving, book a registry office. You can fill in the gaps about who gets invited later. His response to you starting to make enquiries will probably be telling.

I don’t know why everyone’s reading so much into him saying he wants it to happen one way, then saying something different. It’s all part of wedding planning and deciding what you’re happy with.

Op, you got your answer. He is happy to be married so that you have your legal security. This is all you need to know. He loves you. he just doesn’t want the wedding part. This is totally fair enough because it’s the marriage you want and not the one-off wedding day, surely? The two are totally different things.

You are at great risk of him changing his mind altogether if you keep pushing for a compromise with the wedding itself. I woukd absolutely hate that myself and feel totally pushed into a corner if you started saying “well can we just invite such and such” or “if we invite our parents we’d better invite our siblings” or “oh we’be Got a few people coming now so need proper venue for a meal”. Etc. Awful. So pressurising.

YOU need to do the compromising on the wedding side of things, I think. If you won’t then more fool you.

You know, these days, there are so many ways to get married just the 2 of you and to make it special without any fuss. I think it’s actual quite romantic and exciting to “elope” and not tell anyone till you’ve got back and shown them your rings. My cousin did that. You can go abroad and make it special.

I got married abroad and did initially want just me and DH there but our parents did end up coming in the end. we insisted that no siblings or friends though. It couldn’t have been a more relaxed and memorable day. My compromise was a party for family and friends when we got back but to be honest I wished we hadn’t bothered as I hated it all and it was fucking stressful.

I’m with your partner here. You need to leave aside your quite trivial desire for a traditional wedding with guests and think outside the box a bit, and more to the actual marriage bit afterwards. You will totally scare him off the idea completely if you’re not careful.

Go somewhere nice just the two of you, buy a special dress, have the most simple ceremony you can, have a memorable one off meal in a gorgeous restaurant and a lovely honeymoon somewhere you can just enjoy being newlyweds.

I think people are saying that @CurlyhairedAssassin because this is a man who didn't even want to get married a couple of days ago.

I think if you aren’t careful this will become more about a wedding than it will a marriage.
If he’s agreed then I think it’s bonkers to keep pushing to try get what you want in terms of people being invited. You are doing it for legal reasons I thought?

Also I read back on your post about getting married alone as a ‘huge betrayal’ which it is not, by any stretch of the imagination! Who on earth would you be betraying? You aren’t married now, how does this betray your parents and best friends since nursery school? This is about a wedding and the more I think about it I can see why he’s holding back as you will keep pushing him. He’s agreed!

To be honest OP, a wedding is just one day.

If you want to be married, for both emotional and practical reasons, and he wants to do something low key and tell people afterwards, just do it that way.

You will still be married at the end of the day, which is what you want, isn't it?

Hi all..

Firstly thank you all for your advice and information. I do really appreciate it.
When I first came on for this site, I didn’t know what to expect, but you lot gave me courage and information in a way that I could speak to my partner regarding this subject.

Yes, I’m feeling more positive about the whole marriage situation now.
We had another good talk last night. We have both have decided equally, that marriage is what we both want in the near future and ‘the wedding’ would be small key. We discussed a few minor details and come to the conclusion that we can sort that out later.

I have got ball rolling in regards to deeds, mortgage and insurance. Appointment with solicitor is booked for next week. That’s my main priority at the moment.

So thank you all again ;)

Well done OP. I hope it all works out for you.

That sounds great OP. Well done. Do let as know when the 'happy day' will be.