Marriage?!?!

[Perdie85]

Hi all, I’m new here but needing some advice please?

So.. me and my partner have been together for 12years, I have a child from a previous relationship, which my partner has now become a really good step-dad.

In 12 years, we’ve moved house once, changed cars 4 times, have two dogs and have two wonderful children also. We have talked and had serious conversations about life and what we both would like to happen and where we both see ourselves in years to come. We get on great, maybe not the past 12months due to my partners anxiety and depression, it has taken a toll a small bit on our relationship. But even before that like 8/9 years ago my partner still didn’t want to get married, nor does he even now. Back then he said marriage was for mugs and why would he want to get married?!. yes I thought also at the time what a complete nob! ( He does have some good qualities to him) lol. We spoke about it and he said he never wanted to get married. I thought it’s ok, we have plenty of time and our futures together and he will probably change his mind.

Roll onto now and the excuse now is that ‘ we can’t afford it ‘.. Yes us ladies have dreamt of a big beautiful lavish wedding, but I have been to a few over the past few years to know what I would like and wouldn’t like and it’s defiantly not a big white wedding where we’re spending xxx amount of cash! Small private intimate is more my style, sorry if I offend anyone by that. Each to their own 😜.
The think is, like I said above, the last 12months we’ve had a rocky patch due to my partners issues, but we’ve come out of it at the other end, yes he’s always going to have these issues to some degree but I also think now he doesn’t ever want to get married to ME. Things have changed in the last 12years, but I still love him if not more now than I did at the beginning. He really is my everything.
I did give him a timescale few years back and said I’d he hadn’t asked me by the end of year I was leaving, obvs I’m still here. Hehe 😉

Everyone around is getting married or has got married. And yes I am jealous but also that I would love nothing more than to commit to this man who I deeply love and couldn’t live without. He’s been my rock and I have been his. Like many couples we have had our ups as downs and bicker, but we laugh at the end of it like there’s no tomorrow. There’s nothing more I could give to have my partners name and be proud.

So my question is this.. what the hell do I do? I’m more upset now, than jealous of others, to the fact that I don’t think think this man loves me enough for us to marry.

Thank you in advice for any responses.. xx

No I haven’t spoke to him as of yet. As I have been working so has he over the weekend. Hoping once I have finished work this evening, the kids will be in bed by time I get home so we can have a talk about all things. I will update on here, once we have had the chat.

Thank you all for your comments, advice and information.

I have been a little down today regarding all this, as I don’t really know where I stand with him, us and our future from here. I do need to be verbal to him about how it’s affecting me and then see what he says. Only he has the answers now.

The only thing that I am dreading about having this chat is that, he will think I’m a money grabber so to speak, what if he thinks that.. bare this in mind, there’s not much money.. we’re certainly not rich, but we’re stable/comfortable.
I know it’s all about our children’s and mine security if anything was to happen to him. I just don’t know how to put it across to him that it’s that and I’m not wanting to just get married for the assets he has.

It’s a weird one this.

I’ve never thought marriage sealed a love - it’s a good party and a contract that legally prepares you for divorce. I don’t know anyone truly, happily married with no problems. I know cohabiting life partners who are just as happy as others who married.

What would being married add apart from the legal protection? What part of it is bugging you? Is it that he’s not declaring his commitment? Is it that you’ve dreamed of your wedding day. If you have joint property - be joint tenants rather than tenants in common if you want a 50/50 split, if he’s slippery then do the other. Make Will’s and declare your intentions of what would happen if you split. Then get on with enjoying what you do have.

Find out what part of it is bugging and then be honest with yourself. Is it really that important to you? More than the relationship? You’re still young, if you need a man who’s got to marry you to make it feel right, then you may want to reconsider the relationship you’re in.

My partner has never wanted to marry, his dad did so too many times and he thinks it’s a farce! What are your partner’s reasons for being so adamant? It’s not always because they’re a total bastard one foot in/one foot out.

Many women don’t want to get married either...

But it shouldn’t be a massive deal if your relationship is good in my honest opinion.

He did tell you straight. Always, always listen to what they’re laying out. When it comes to men declaring an aversion to marriage and kids, they tend to mean it. You have a good enough relationship by the sounds of it. Knock the wedding idea on the head and appreciate what you do have.

Or leave. But I’m not sure that’s really what you’d want either.

Good luck thinking it through OP.

If he thinks you're a money grabber for wanting to know you won't be kicked out of your home if he snuffs it, maybe that tells you something about whether the two of you should stay together.

I’ve just read some of the comments here. I think there are a few nasty buggers out there.

OP. You are in the position you are in and I’ve just seen, you’re not on the mortgage.

So, I would seriously recommend speaking to a solicitor BEFORE you speak to him. They can advise you how to go about getting on the mortgage and advise you how to protect yourself.

Don’t rely on him and expect a confrontation tonight to magically work this all out.

See a family solicitor - most are free for 30 minutes and find out what they would recommend to put this right as marriage is not an option.

Take charge of this but not by expecting him to suddenly have a change of heart if you plead with him. Even when kids are involved not all men will do the right thing.

Out of interest, what do people think speaking to a solicitor is going to achieve here? If OP is to have any share in the property, she's going to be relying on him. Even if she'd been paying towards the mortgage and/or renovations, it wouldn't have been much given that she's not been earning much, so frankly the cost of legal action to prove any resulting trust would likely be prohibitive. This hasn't exactly got successful TOLATA claim written all over it.

Op, how could he possibly think you're a money grabber. He's the money grabber.

And you don't neeed to speak to a solicitor. They will simply tell you you've no rights here as you're unmarried.

Obviously I don’t expect a chat tonight will solve all this, but it’s a start, and it’s the start of something we’ve not spoke about before. Whether we discuss this until the end tonight or another night, least it gets the ball rolling, right?
I am going to ask him to put me down on the mortgage though and his life insurance. See where that takes is before I bring up marriage again with him. I will know in my mind, then whether it’s just marriage or he doesn’t want to commit at all with me.

That seems a good plan. Tell him you wish now to be put on the mortgage and title deeds, for your security and the kids. As well as life insurance, see what he says. As you said that will show what this is really about.

Did you get chance to have a chat OP? How did it go?

Watching with interest, as my DD is in a similar position. In her case, she actually put some money in from an inheritance, but the house is registered in her DP's sole name (no mortgage).

Hi all, so we had a small chat last night.
I’ve brought the subject up now, so we’re going to have a more formal convo about it tonight. He asked why I’m wanting to add my name to the mortgage, which I replied I feel there’s no commitment for him. We got distracted as my youngest woke, so will have a more in depth talk about it tonight.
I’ll let you know what happens.x

Op maybe you should take some legal advice now, you have three children and your name is not even on the mortgage. You don't have a full time permanent job or even a pension.

Forget about the wedding and focus entirely on getting yourself financially secure and protected legally, starting with being named on the house.

Your dh has done everything to protect his assets and you could be left high and dry.

I am amazed you had three children with someone so dead against commitment, but anyway what is done is done, but really the marriage side is the least of your problems.

I don't know why people keep recommending legal advice. She has no legal rights. She is unmarried and it's his house. There is nothing a solicitor can do, it's his gift and decision if he names her on the house deeds.

Are you actually a solicitor bluntness? Otherwise, it's hard to see how you can know for sure.

I dont know if she is, but speaking as one of the people who's questioned the usefulness of legal advice at this point, I am. Based on what OP says about her earnings, I highly doubt she's going to have made a significant enough contribution to the mortgage or any renovations to make a TOLATA claim worth it.

I'm neve going to say no don't see a solicitor, sometimes it's valuable just to go and hear it from a specialist and get that reassurance, and I completely respect that. But some of the posts seem to be coming from the idea that she might actually be able to enforce any rights here. By all means get that certainty if needed, but OP would be best served by focusing on communication right now.

OP, good luck in your chat tonight. I would keep pushing on the marriage issue (assuming you do actually want to marry him and stay with him long-term.

^DP, the thing is, we've been together for over a decade and have three children together. I've built my life around you and our children. I've had time out of the workforce to raise our children and even though I'm working now I'm still not in a position to maximise my own income. If something were to happen tomorrow, the law wouldn't consider us to be family. I would have no status in the eyes of the law, and all the contributions I've made to our family would count for nothing. If you were to die, I wouldn't own the house, I wouldn't get any benefits available to widows, I wouldn't automatically get to make decisions about medical care, organ donation or funeral arrangements, because in the eyes of the law I am no more a part of your family than the next door neighbour is. We could get married at the registry office for a couple of hundred pounds, so it's not about not being able to afford a wedding. It upsets and worries me that you're not willing to give me and our children that legal protection. If you really see us staying together for the long-term, why would you not be willing to get married when you know it's important to me? What are you afraid of?"

The stuff about medical care and next of kin isn't accurate, but otherwise I agree. And if he thinks it is then don't correct him!

It's like going to see a doctor though. The whole point is that you go to find out. No one on the internet can tell you it's not worth doing. I don't like to see it.

Also, if you wanted to get married for his money, you would have insisted on it before having children, and if he hadn't agreed to it you'd have dumped his ass and looked for a man with money who was prepared to put a ring on it.

The last 12 years should be enough to assuage his fears about you being a "gold digger" (horrible, sexist term), and if it isn't, I would be deeply offended on your behalf.

He's not afraid that you're a "gold digger", he's keeping the exit door carefully open in case he ever wants to make a quick and easy escape, and he's afraid of closing it.

(So in short, if he accuses you of being a "gold digger" you turn that shitty argument on its head and say you wouldn't have stayed with him for 12 years with no proposal if you were a gold digger, so it's obviously not that and more the fact that he doesn't want to make a legal commitment to you or share his property with you. And he shouldn't be afraid of making that commitment unless he thinks you're going to run out on him, or he wants to leave the door open for himself to run out on you. Neither of which reflects well on him.)

Well, she's kind of already found out. She hasn't told us whether she's paid towards the mortgage or any work on the house or not, but she'll know.

If OP didn't want to take the word of posters on this thread, which is understandable, there are plenty of reputable organisations out there with information on this. It would be to hear it from someone she knows to be a solicitor, which I do understand and I have had clients before who came in to have me tell them what they already knew. So if people were saying go to a solicitor just to be certain you're certain, that's fair enough, but some of the posts seem like they think going to a solicitor might actually yield some kind of option that doesn't involve persuading DP.

There are also costs to seeking legal advice. Even if OP can access a free half hour that actually tells her anything specific to her case, not guaranteed, if she seeks legal advice before talking to DP, inevitably that will delay them discussing the matter properly. When communication is long overdue and needed here.

Easy to say if you're a solicitor and already know...

Yes, that's true. As I said, if she needs to hear it from a solicitor IRL and is willing to invest time, possibly money and delay the discussion, ok. But it would still be better if nobody implies that a solicitor is going to be able to help her get on the mortgage without having to rely on her DP. As at least one of the posts telling her to get legal advice before speaking to him does.

Hi all,

I don’t think a solicitor at this point would be appropriate. I am quite capable of speaking to my partner regarding issues/problems and other things without going behind his back for advice.

You ladies have given me more than enough information and advice where I can communicate well with my partner, so thank you.

We’ve had a chat, and he is not willing to marry, nor now or ever. I have to respect his decision. He hasn’t lied nor has he said any differently. Yes I had my hopes of him changing his mind and for that I have only myself to blame.
But.. my partner has not listen to the fact of what marriage means to me and how it is affecting me of not been married. Which has upset me.

He is willing to put my name on the mortgage, deeds and his insurance.

We have not fully come to a decision about what is going to happen, but from my view, opinion and what matters to me is that marriage means more, I’m afraid.

I love this guy with all my heart but I don’t think I can be with someone who isn’t going to listen or compromise, like I have done for the past 12years. I do feel worthless and not good enough, especially when all our friends and family are married or getting married. Sorry, but it’s how it’s made feel.