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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you ever get over heartbreak

214 replies

ineedhelpa · 27/08/2018 14:34

I'm a mess, I'm in pieces. Can't cope. Not sleeping eating. Crying constantly. It's been a few months and not getting any easier.
I am always checking his social media, re-reading messages. He is lovely and nothing happened it he just ended it, no arguments or anything but I am struggling to come to terms. Will it ever get any easier, will I ever 'get over it'

OP posts:

gower4 · 27/08/2018 14:37

Yes, but you have to want to get over it, go cold turkey, cut all contact and social media monitoring and wait it out.

Original poster

ineedhelpa · 27/08/2018 14:37

I can't, I really can't I have tried

OP posts:

gower4 · 27/08/2018 14:40

Of course you can. People do it all the time. Feelings change, it's part of life. How long were you together?

lowtide · 27/08/2018 14:46

Do you want to waste your life? Wallowing in self pity is a sure fire way of delaying the grief that we don’t want to confront.

Real grief doesn’t keep you stuck it helps you move forward.

Letting go of hope is the hardest thing in the world to do, but it’s the only way you’ll move forward. And it will hurt like a motherfucker.
But this is limbo.

RainySeptember · 27/08/2018 14:47

There's no magic bullet unfortunately. It's no contact, time and distraction while you wait it out.

People come to terms with relationships ending all the time, sometimes after decades of marriage, children involved, hideous financial hardship as everything is split in half.

You need to stop monitoring his social media and find someone or something to distract you.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 27/08/2018 14:53

Unfortunately time really is the only healer and it sucks so much. I’ve been in the position before where I felt suicidal, thought I’d never get over him, I’ll be alone for ever, I couldn’t never love anyone else etc. Few years later and the thought of him actually makes me skin crawl. I’m very much over him and happily married!

backtousername1 · 27/08/2018 14:58

I have never been so mentally unwell as I was when I was in your position.
I cried daily for about a year.
I drank far too much, didn’t sleep bar a few hours a night for around 6 months.
Went through every emotion possible, grief, anger, hatred, revenge (slept with his mates). I begged and begged him to get back with me.
I’m now happily married to someone and even looking at my ex makes me cringe. He’s horrific! Don’t know what I was thinking!

Original poster

ineedhelpa · 27/08/2018 14:58

Thanks.
I really feel like I don't want anyone to distract me. I want him, but it's not going to work out. Was only together a year.

OP posts:

Original poster

ineedhelpa · 27/08/2018 14:59

backtousername1 that's exactly how I am now. Considering going doctors. I can't think straight

OP posts:

gower4 · 27/08/2018 15:01

You don't need to go out with anyone else to distract yourself. It would be better to learn to enjoy being single, get to know yourself better, pamper yourself. Then you'll be ready for a new relationship as and when the time is right.
This will sound brutal, but it's not as if he is wasting any time thinking about you. I'm sorry to put it like that, but you'll waste your precious life for nothing if you wallow.

backtousername1 · 27/08/2018 15:02

I was only with my ex for a year.
Was in my early 20s. There wasn’t really social media back then, but I would drive past his house all the time, I would just circulate from pub to pub in the hope that I’d see him. I was an absolute mess.
It was the worst year of my life.
I barely passed my university degree and I wish I had never met him as it affected so much of my career since.
Anti depressants helped. As did sleeping tablets.
And just time. Lots of time.

backtousername1 · 27/08/2018 15:02

twilightsaga · 27/08/2018 15:02

You have to make a choice and change your mindset. You'll have bad days but you can have good days too

twilightsaga · 27/08/2018 15:03

You have to make a choice and change your mindset. You'll have bad days but you can have good days too

DontFuckingSayIt · 27/08/2018 15:05

I've been in this position and I found hearing about how it happens all the time and everyone else manages perfectly well is just a kick in the teeth, not helpful at all. Made me feel like not only had I been discarded by the love of my life, but I was also now pathetic for being unable to cope with something everybody else seemingly just gets on with. Awful, awful time it was, I lost 4 stone, thought constantly of suicide and my own mum threatened to report me to SS because I couldn't stop crying in front of DD for months.
But yeah, chin up

Original poster

ineedhelpa · 27/08/2018 15:06

Thanks for replying
I'm can't stop crying. I even txt him now as as friends but I don't know if that's good or not
Will antidepressants help? Really considering them as can't see any other way out of feeling like this. I hate my life

OP posts:

gower4 · 27/08/2018 15:08

Don't text him. You need to delete him.
What positive things are in your life? What do you enjoy?

toothtruth · 27/08/2018 15:10

You need to block him and just cut it dead in your head. You wont get over it unless you actually accept that it is over. Of course it will still be sad at first but you will get over it in time if you just let go. Dont do this to yourself over someone who is clearly not right for you. He dumped you. Dont give him your emotional energy. Stop keeping the pain alive by looking at him. Focus on something else. Find some anger and self preservation.

backtousername1 · 27/08/2018 15:11

You need to see your gp.
Especially if your mental health is suffering.
I found certain medication really good as it just turned off my feelings for a short while and helped me to get a bit of headspace.
Wouldn’t wish how you’re feeling upon anyone though. 15 years later and I can still recall clearly how horrific it was.

Original poster

ineedhelpa · 27/08/2018 15:13

I used to go out with friends, like go tidy my house (as sad as it sounds) take care of my appearance. Now I don't. Can't be bothered with anything.
He isn't horrible and didn't dump me in a horrible way, in a way i want to make sure he is okay

OP posts:

Orange6904 · 27/08/2018 15:18

Texting him probably prolongs the pain, my ex has said about being friends. It's too painful, you need to focus on yourself. I know it's easy to say and I've been posting on here today as I feel stuck like you do. Make sure you are eating and drinking as that will help you a little bit. Get out in the fresh air in a park or something for a bit, also if you can try exercise, it's not a cure but it lifts you a bit. Don't go mad if you're not eating though. x

lowtide · 27/08/2018 15:20

Yes you sound depressed, you should see your gp.
Sadly you can’t stay friends with him. It’s stopping you from moving forward with your life.
It will be extremely hard for you. But it’s the only way you will get your life back.
I’ve been there, I tried to stay friends. I was so scared of losing him. But it was damaging me. And the heartbreak is hard. You’ll have bad days, but it will slowly get better.

Original poster

ineedhelpa · 27/08/2018 15:23

I think that's why I am trying to stay friends as I am scared of loosing him all together. I can't exercise or go gym as I used to do that with him together and when I am there it brings back to many memories. I could try another gym but not many are local.
I really do appreciate all of your replies

OP posts:

Orange6904 · 27/08/2018 15:27

You just reminded me saying about the gym routine, try changing your routines up, it does help a bit. I've done that and it has been helping. Try not to hold onto any routines you did together and things like that.

Did he give you a proper explanation about why he was going? You're probably feeling like you have no closure if it was just out of the blue and it is a horrible shocking feeling.

lowtide · 27/08/2018 15:27

Oh love. I really feel for you. I know how you feel. It’s one of the worst feelings.
Letting go is hard.
Can you make a list of what you want in life that doesn’t include him? Sadly he doesn’t want what you want. So no matter how much you wish it was different, you can’t force someone to feel the same way.
Have you thought about counselling? It helped me a lot, I’m still doing it and I have very hard days. But I know that I have a future if I allow myself and so do you.

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