Do you ever get over heartbreak

[ineedhelpa]

I'm a mess, I'm in pieces. Can't cope. Not sleeping eating. Crying constantly. It's been a few months and not getting any easier.
I am always checking his social media, re-reading messages. He is lovely and nothing happened it he just ended it, no arguments or anything but I am struggling to come to terms. Will it ever get any easier, will I ever 'get over it'

Needed this thread tonight
I am going through it too with ex, first time I have written it as ex not DH, 20+ years and I have recently had his baby. He has gone off with a much much younger woman. The pain is excruciating.

Twentyoneseconds I'm with you. 20 years and 3 children. I was replaced 3 weeks after we split. It's heart breaking.

You need to look after yourself. Are you eating and sleeping? Can you get some help with the baby so you can spend some time alone?

@Twentyonesecondstogo I know at this minute in time you feel like the pain will never go, but it will. Eventually you will be ok.

It's more than likely not going to last with the much younger woman and when he comes crawling back, remember this pain whilst slamming the door in his face.

@richdeniro has posted exactly what I was going to say. It's the only way OP. Do it immediately, don't even stop to think xx

Sorry you're feeling so down. It really is a gut wrenching feeling and everything looks bleak. I have so much pride and hate for anyone to see me out of control but when it happened to Me, I was TOTALLY DESPERATE and lost. My heart felt the physical aches. I had no pride and ashamed to say, I over texted and was just unhinged. Really embarrassing stuff.

What helped my friend cope with the social media stuff, she gave her phone to her mum and bought herself a cheap non smart phone for basics. It helped her not to check on SM constantly.

It honestly doesn't feel like it now BUT honestly you will come through. You will emerge stronger and more focused. You will probably end up rejecting him. It's the sense of 'loss that has you in a panic. Once things settle down, you will see you have gained rather than lost. Always choose those who choose YOU. You feel rejected and it's human nature to fight against that. You will be absolutely fine but see your GP for additional support.

Feel so bad reading this as I, and countless other women, know this feeling all to well. It is horrendous.

Hi, OP, hope you're feeling a little better after reading this lovely advice.

Can I suggest that you think of your ex as an addiction? What I mean is, you need to cut all contact in the way recovering alcoholics, say, avoid alcohol. So that means you'd need to remove yourself from him and anything that reminds you of him - forever. A poster upthread said how her feelings for her ex came flooding after 20years and yes, this is not uncommon for great loves. Like any addict, you can't have a healthy, "normal" relationship with your ex; not now, not ever (I know this hurts).

You have all my sympathy. Heartbreak can be a very traumatic experience but you need to find a way to help yourself. You are already doing that by writing this thread. Good luck x

One thing that I found really helped me with regard to the not being able to sleep was join the local swimming pool.

For the first few weeks I was going to bed at 1am-ish, sleeping for 3-4 hours and then waking up wide awake not being able to get back to sleep. Rather than lay there from 5am thinking it over in my head until the alarm clock at 7.30 went off I joined the local swimming pool (you'll find they open at 6-7am). I'd just get up and go for a swim, nothing strenuous, just breast stroke for 45 mins before work. It gives you time to think it all over whilst actually doing some exercise.

It also helped create some endorphines so that I could at least be slightly productive at work and not think about it there so my job didn't suffer too much. I also think it helped me get better nights sleep as the weeks went on.

I heard a theory once about this ‘being friends’ thing, and it’s really turned out to be true in my (wide) experience.

You and this guy started as strangers, moved to friends (even if only briefly!) then lovers. If you really want to go back to friends, you have to go through a strangers phase again first. You can’t just go backwards in the cycle.

Get on with your life, let him get on with his. No contact, other than absolutely necessary practical matters. Otherwise, apart from anything, what will you have to talk about oh so casually?? Your relationship is what, and that’s not friendship is it?

Of course you will start to feel better soon. When that happens, maybe have a long look at (with a counsellor?) why you invest soooo much in a man and his feelings for you? Finding a life partner doesn’t need to be this devastating. Somehow or other you need to be responsible for more of your own happiness in life. No other person or pet or child will fill that hole. Certainly no impossible fairytale bloke will.

When heartache (not break, it stays in tact) has come visiting in my life, it has helped me a lot to really concentrate on my sense of dignity. I’ve literally dragged myself off the sofa, into a shower, into clothes and sorted my hair. You are not a broken, wailing animal. You are a proud strong woman who can definitely make adult choices (like staying off her phone). You come from a long line of tough women, who faced worse than this. They are standing behind you now, hands on shoulders, going far back in time. They are all saying ‘You’ve got this, wallowing time is over’.

The phrase ‘Pull yourself together’ is widely used because a) it is a real solution to loads of modern problems, and b) because ‘pull’ implies there’s some effort involved. It’s an effort that will pay off. Promise.

I need this thread

Sorry to hijack OP.
Has anyone successfully done this and had small children? It is hard to go NC.

The breakup with my first bf was like this. He dumped me and i was devastated. Crying all the time. I actually set myself a limit on how many times i could cry every day (5). it took me a year to get over him and ive never looked back.
No other breakup was ever that bad. It will get better OP. cut contact and dont look at his social media.

Has anyone successfully done this and had small children? It is hard to go NC. You can set out the routine at change over and stick to it. Minimum eye contact, minimum conversation. Until you are stronger, then you can act more natural. Best wishes.

@Twentyonesecondstogo

Thank you so much for all of your replies. They really do help and it's nice to talk; I have friends in rl but sometimes feel like they are fed up of hearing me.

I still don't feel ready to do the no contact and deleting everythingI honestly think that will make me worse. I can't imagine every finding anyone as nice and lovely as him

Big hugs to everyone else going through similar and it's nice to hear from those who have come through this

Take your time on the no contact. I agree it would help but you won't stick to it till you're ready.

You said he's nice and lovely. But he's not. Someone nice wouldn't put you through this. Be angry with him. He's treated you badly and you don't deserve it.

Going no contact can take time
It took me a year to do it fully
Start by limiting contact.
And you will find someone as great. Who actually thinks you’re great too.
He’s not coming back, you have to try and get your head round that x

why you invest soooo much in a man and his feelings for you? Finding a life partner doesn’t need to be this devastating. @skittlesandbeer

That's a bit patronising. It is devastating to be in a happy relationship, or what you thought was and to make plans and then be blindsided. It means that you loved the person and valued them. I don't place my value and happiness in another person but that doesn't mean I don't feel anything when someone I love walks out on me or cheats. It's not just the relationship, it's devastating to be lied to and other factors.

Op needs advice to get through this time not patronised.

Op it's a process, please read the advice on here and try to implement some of it. You hurt because you loved this person and you will get better in time. Try to look after yourself as others have said and talk to people in real life, talk about how you feel and then set some goals for yourself and things to look forward to.

Good luck.

My last three relationships have been like this when they ended, you're not alone. hugs
Not all depression is the "feeling bad all my life" kind, you can get "situational depression" which is real genuine depression triggered by a traumatic life event - its no less "real" just because it was triggered by a breakup.

My advice is similar to most other peoples here - you need to cut him out of your life COMPLETELY. While you are still frantically bailing out the space in your life where he was to keep it clear for him, you're not letting it start to fill and heal. To start with, it'll feel genuinely impossible - you'll relapse, you'll sit feeling nothing but hurt, wondering what you ever used to do with your time that wasn't being with or thinking about him, it'll REALLY suck. But eventually you'll simply run out of stamina to stay sad and focused only on him and your pain, and you'll start to have small moments of doing or thinking about other things, and that's where the healing starts.

If you need to go to the GP and get ADs to get you through the next 3, 4, 6 months then do it, I did, more than once. There's no shame in it.

No. But you learn to live with it.

It took me a long long time to get over the end of my 13 year LTR which happened last September.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that actually still having contact with him helped me. We still have contact now, he's still with the other woman he left me for but I honestly truly found the whole devastating break up easier because I was still able to text him. I completely realised that this isn't what the majority of you are suggesting, but, if it's not detrimental to you ineedhelpa and not affecting your health of well being then carry on, just try and cut it back slowly if you can. Is he responding to your messages and contact?

It's a long painful haul, I never for one moment thought that my 13 year relationship would end I thought it was forever and every single tiny thing reminded me of him. But, as others have said, it WILL get easier, the pain will lessen, the hurt will diminish but it takes that awful word 'time'.

I found writing things down really helped, I poured out my feelings and thoughts and a lot of the time it was jumble but when I look back on it now I can see how far I have come in just less than a year.

Be kind to yourself.

I'd love to go no contact. I can see it would help but we have 3 children together so it's never going to happen.
Plus he refuses to move out so until I can convince a bank to let me buy him out, I'm stuck in this nightmare of him picking which bits of family life he wants and disappearing to his gfs when he feels like it.

Listen to this www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_how_to_fix_a_broken_heart
and read his book too.

From personal experience also, getting new experiences help A LOT, especially if you have been with your ex for a long time. Try to do new things, fill your life with new things that you haven't done before, new classes, new activities, new trips if you can, get out of the house, do things that you have never done before. The more you do new things, the more distance you will put between you and your past relationship. If you can travel to somewhere new that would be great. Volunteering also, helping someone else would make you feel better eventually.

It might feel lonely. It might feel that your pain is so deep that nobody could have ever experienced anything like it, but we have all been in this agony, and we have all survived.

Oh you poor pet, heartbreak is the worst! We have all been there. I wish I could give you a massive hug and tell you everything will be alright, because it will! I promise you it will.

Broke up with my ex, only for him to get a new girlfriend (at 22 she is 10 years younger than me) 3 days later, a week after we broke up I found out I was pregnant with our second DC. I thought I would die. Honestly my heart shattered into a million pieces when I found out he'd moved on & wouldn't put our family first.

Everyone's suggestions here are great, but sometimes we need a bit more extra help and support. I went to my GP and started on lexapro to help with my crippling anxiety post breakup. I also started seeing a psychologist. Both have been game changers.

10 months on & a new DS later, I couldn't be happier with my life.

Would you consider visiting your doctor and or getting counselling?

A scab never heals if you pick at it. That is what you are doing everytime you check up on him.

Cliches like Time Is A Great Healer are true. It is. The people I was crazy for, and who drove me crazy during a break up, are nothing to me now.

It is fine to grieve for a lost relationship but you are in danger of getting stuck in the wallowing stage.

You need to get practical now. You are not getting back together. He has moved on. You need to as well. Stop the checking up on him, you are delaying your recovery.

Your break up has become your addiction. Cold turkey and take it a day at a time.

Managed to go to the gym today, this was somewhere i used to go regularly with him. I cried walking in, stayed for 20 mins and cried walking out. I felt physically sick.