Pregnant and he's thrown me out

[Windmill1828]

Hi everyone - I'm turning to you lovely people to help me!

So it's a long story...

We met a few years ago, hit it off straight away. He was a gentleman, good job etc etc. Treated me like his best friend. We supported each other, we laughed like nothing before. It was just amazing. My family loved him and his did me.
He had a little boy and I have a little girl from previous marriages and they got on so well.
He began to stay over at mine more and more and before you knew it we were practically living together.
I saw him every night almost the whole time we were together and we had his little boy every other weekend.
We holidayed together and started to build a life together.
We decided to buy a house and move in together and that I would sell mine and put the equity in the bank for my little girl one day.
We chose a new house and it was being built.
On New Year's Eve he asked me to marry him! It was the most amazing time of our lives.
The house was supposed to be finished in Feb but kept getting delayed so we were living out of boxes which wasn't ideal but ok.
Then in March we found out I was pregnant! We were over the moon. But that turned into disaster when it turned out to be ectopic just before our engagement party.
He was by my side through the operation and was so sad afterwards. He was distraught!
We were told that to be on the safe side we would need to have ivf to bypass the use of my tubes but probably wouldn't have much trouble conceiving as we just had by ourselves albeit in the wrong place.
We left it three months and then decided to go to a clinic in London to discuss the details. The nurse said yep, we could go for it but as I was 36 and he was 38 to not waste any time.
We had a holiday planned in August but she said it would be fine to still go if we did get pregnant before as we would be over 12 weeks.
So we went home, discussed it and we both agreed to give it a shot!
Next thing you know we are booked in and ready to go. The drugs came and I started injections.
Now anyone who has had IVF will tell you it's not easy. All the travelling on its own was hard. The hormones. The weight gain. The tiredness. It was draining but so worth it that I didn't make a big fuss because I didn't want it to be a big thing if we needed to go through it again.
He even did the first injection with me and held my hand.
There were a few bumps along the way and at points thought we might have to cancel due to complications but to cut a long story short we got pregnant!!! I did about 500 tests!!!
You have to carry on taking hormones after the positive test and on top of the begins of pregnancy (morning sickness/ extreme tiredness etc) but we carried on.
Then my Nan who was so close to me died which was awful.
And then I started a new job as I was full time and we decided that I didn't need to do that anymore.
We moved into our new house when I was 6 weeks pregnant And were busy organising it for the first week.
Then we had our first scan. Another trip to London, all very scary to see if baby was in the right place. And it was! Lovely heathy heartbeat! We were made up. He even stopped on the way home to buy it a little outfit!

We picked his little boy up on the way home. I was so tired after such a draining day and 7 hours in the car that i asked if he could feed the kids while I had a little lie down, to which he said yes.
I went to sleep for about 10 mins and was woken up by the kids playing!
I was a bit miffed he could have kept them quiet but went downstairs and sat at the breakfast bar while the kids ate their dinner and I was sewing a blind.
He said to me that his little boy had done well in his school report to which i said "oh well done" and then thought oh crap where is my little girls report?!! And proceeded to ask her.
That was it.
He sent the kids across the road to the park and he said "I don't wanna make this into a big thing but why were you like that about the report?"
I was fed up anyway and said "what?!! What about it!?" And we blew up and has an argument about how I should've been more enthusiastic.
I just needed to get out of that house and that situation so I said I was going to go back to mine to continue to sort it out.
I was so upset that I decided to stay there and talk about it in the morning.
Well in the morning he was furious that I'd gone and taken My daughter. There was no talking to him.
He didn't have the best childhood in the world but certainly not the worst but he said that it triggered a memory of something that happened to him when he was a boy and he won't have his son feeling like that!!!
We spoke about it and sorted it that night. Had a nice evening together and took the kids out.
Then the next morning he said "I'm sorry but I still feel like I can't do this."
As you can imagine it went from bad to worse.
He spoke to his sister who obviously said he can't have that and then decided to block me on fb and told him to tell me and my daughter to leave. Which he did.
I had my first midwife appt that following day and by the time I came back to the house he had packed boxes.
He said some horrible things like:
He had doubts the week before he asked me to marry him
He wasn't in love with me
How could I treat his kid like that?
Very hurtful things

He then got a van and dumped all mine and my daughters things back at my sold (but not completed just yet) house.

So basically, I'm pregnant
I soon have no home or anywhere to live
I have a temp/ part time job
No money
And I little girl who has no idea what's happened.

So that was 4 weeks ago.
Since then not much has happened. He has sent the wedding venue an email to cancel it even though it was only booked a matter of weeks ago.
Most of my messages get ignored.
Until I sent a nice one to which he replied "he was broken"

This guy was all about family: he treated my little girl like his own. Me like a queen. There wasn't a day went by that he didn't tell me how lucky he felt and how much he loved us.
How can you go from all that to nothing over night? To creating a life to walk away from it.

All over this.!

I am obviously heartbroken. Lost. I feel like I've had my whole life ripped apart and now I have nothing.
I miss him so much but I know I shouldn't.

Any ideas?

Xxx

[Harpstrings]

He wants the baby, but he doesn't want you.

Could you change back to your maiden name by deed poll & register your baby by that surname? That way you would share your surname, not your ex-husbands?

He has treated you so badly, so cruelly, that there is no going back.
I wouldn't allow him to attend any appointments, and would not tell him when labour started. Take a trusted family member or friend with you when you give birth. Register the baby without him & don't discuss it. His name on the register infers legal responsibility & a legal tie that will cause you problems in the future.

[gamerchick]

gamerchick this is not an option. I've very lucky to be pregnant and have been through some very tough times to get here

I thought that would be your stance, but it's always good to know all of your options. It's a good plan of his, collecting children but not having to parent them full time. Hopefully he'll stop now and not put some other woman in the same position as you and his ex. Good luck

[Windmill1828]

@Harpstrings
Just thinking of the long game here, is that the right thing to do for this baby?
Doesn't she deserve a shot at having a dad?
Albeit not a great one right now x

[Chippyway]

OP you don’t seem very motivated to act and that scares me

You are homeless. You are also pregnant.

I’m quite confused as to why you’d quit your full time job and move in with a man without even being married. I know you said your old job was hard work but if you’d stuck at it you would’ve gotten more maternity money. Even if you weren’t pregnant, why would you leave a full time job for a part time job and move into a property you have no rights to?! That’s just asking for trouble.

He doesn’t want you. His little boy is not your priority anymore and by rights he’s nothing to do with you.
You need to stop thinking about the bloody report as well. That man couldn’t give a shit about the report he was just using that to do what he’s done

I think one day you’ll look back and realise things weren’t as amazing as you think they were. He wasn’t the man you thought he was.

You have options here. You can either move away and stop all contact with him to raise this child alone OR you have him in your life for the rest of your days. Put your feelings towards him aside because he isn’t coming back. Look at what he’s done to you and BOTH your girls - is he really the type of father you want around for your baby?!

I think you should take this opportunity to start things from scratch. You also need to get tough and make some decisions asap regarding your housing situation. Renting is all good and well but if you can’t afford the 6k to stop the sale of your old house, how are you gunna afford to private rent on your own?

[Windmill1828]

@Chippyway thanks for your message.

I have mentioned that I have a mortgage application and a deposit on a house that I'm waiting to be accepted in the next week.
That was my priority and I have done the best thing I possibly can to secure our future. I have a back up of renting (which isn't ideal) if that doesn't work out.

It's also 2018, people don't necessarily get married before moving in together. I took the decision to sell my house because rightly or wrongly, I trusted he would look after us and my safety net of my equity would always be there.
I just didn't realise this would all happen before my house was even sold.

[Wetwashing00]

It’s true you can’t look into the future and see what sort of dad he will be to the baby you have together.
But any sort of father Is not necessarily a good thing for a baby/child.

The most you can hope For is that she will see her dad every other weekend, he will baby her so much to make up for the state of the failed relationship. The same as his son really.

[trojanpony]

Hang on to this

His unborn child is equally as important and his son and so should my daughter be that he promised to love and care for and that he told he loved every day.

Because you are completely correct.

[ichifanny]

I know it’s a very painful time for you but is there any chance he is seeing his ex again ? The callous way he cast you aside and the over sensitivity around his son and the fact the Ex suddenly decided to block you makes me wonder .

[NameChange30]

“It's also 2018, people don't necessarily get married before moving in together.”

No shit Sherlock.
But sensible people who move in together without being married make sure they have a mortgage or tenancy agreement in both names, so they both have a legal right to live there.
In 2018 the law says that unless you are married you have no legal right to live in a home which only has your partner’s name on the deeds or tenancy agreement.
If you are only responsible for yourself, fair enough if you want to sell the home that you own and put your faith and fate in the hands of someone you’re not married to yet, but you also have a daughter to consider and frankly it’s not fair on her. Her security should be your first priority.
I’m sorry to labour the point that I’ve already made, but I disagree with your implication that we are being old fashioned to point out the legal differences between marriage and cohabition. The law is the law.
He has treated you very badly but you put yourself and your daughter(s) in a vulnerable position - please learn from this and don’t do it again.

[NameChange30]

cohabitation

[Windmill1828]

@trojanpony thanks! You're right! Xx

@ichifanny I don't think so but then how would I know.
I'm pretty sure she is living with someone else now though. She was the last time I heard and was very happy?

[schopenhauer]

I’m afraid you’ve been terribly naive here and this is something you must learn from. Even if you trust someone you must think of the worst case scenario and work back from that thereby ensuring security for you and your children. I wish women didn’t give up their financial security for themselves and their children so easily.

When does your fixed term contract finish? What will you do for maternity pay? I think you’ll have to find somewhere with the cheapest rent or mortgage possiblefor now. Start looking for a permanent job as soon as you realistically can. Don’t give baby surname but ensure that you are getting full child support.

I would probably also go around telling people that he has done this to you while pregnant because he is an absolute shit and people deserve to know what a nasty thing he has done to you. I’d probably put it on Facebook or similar.

[ichifanny]

He may just have spun her a story making you the bad guy , just got a feeling there’s more too it you don’t go through all that stress of IVF with someone to dump them over a small misunderstanding , he may just be the sort of person who bolts at responsibility . Can you speak to his ex find out what story he has told her ? It might make you clearer about what his game is and give you a bit of closure on what his true character is ?

[ichifanny]

I take it he has neber let you speak to the ex and controlled all your interactions with her ?

[Wetwashing00]

Don’t put anything on Facebook 🙄
If anyone asks tell them, if they block you without asking leave it. They don’t matter if they are not interested in hearing from you.

[lifebegins50]

Op, good luck with the mortgage and you sound strong enough to go through this solo.

I think you are dealing with a disordered personality, which might explain your confusion as until you meet a person you can't explain it.
Interesting that he was not interested re the scan as it suggests if there were health issues he might not want to get involved. Now you have had the all clear he wants to be a dad.

For disordered individuals children and partners are seen as possessions and reflect them so they seek an image not a real person.

Good luck, you can get through this.

[Windmill1828]

@ichifanny no. I've had nothing to do with her. I was promoting that she starts to drop his son off With me mid week so he could see him more after work but that never happened!
She's blocked me now so there's no way I can contact her.

[Windmill1828]

Thank you @lifebegins50

[Windmill1828]

@Wetwashing00 no I'm not a very public person: took a lot to post anonymously on here 😂

[C0untDucku1a]

Taken a long time to read the thread so probably really behind now. But i agree with quite a few pp:

His actions have being calculated to put you in the very worst position. Is he hopijg to mane you homeless so he can say he is in a better position and go for full residency?
Tell him nothing about your pregnancy, job or house situation. He will use it against you.
Give the baby YOUR surname. It doesn't matter who else has that name. thousands of people youve never met will have the same surname as you. Your exH having it means nothing when you think of it like that. It is YOUR surname.
Your exP caused this. It is all his doing.

[LeftRightCentre]

How are you going to pay a mortgage or rent when you are on maternity leave and not getting paid? Or get a mortgage with only a part-time job that's not permanent.

It's strange you had an ectopic and then were told to have IVF to 'be on the safe side' and bypass your tubes. That's some very unusual medical advice.

At any rate, you've been naive, staked your financial security and your daughter's on an unmarried partner and this has cost you dearly.

Personally I'd have a termination and get this guy out of my life but since you won't the best you can hope for is that he pays to support his child because you're going to need the money and hunt for FT work after you've had the baby.

It's never, ever a good idea to put all your eggs in one basket when that basket is an unmarried partner no matter how right it seems.

[Windmill1828]

@LeftRightCentre trust me - you don't endure IVF if you don't have to!! My ectopic left me with a damaged tube that they left in so the risk of another ectopic was over 70%

[Creasey31]

I hope things work out for you 💐

[DameSylvieKrin]

Odd that they sent you for IVF, as it increases the risk of an ectopic pregnancy.

[findingmywaytoday]

@LeftRightCentre it isn't strange advice to do ivf after an ectopic following loss of a tube and / or damage.

I've had the very same thing happen to me and it is the advice I've had from every single consultant / dr I've seen both privately and on NHS (incl the head of reproductive medicine at a major teaching hospital in London). The reason is because people that have had ectopics are more likely to have an ectopic, and ivf in theory might help to reduce that risk as they can place the embryo thus bypassing the tubes, although there is a risk (lower than not using ivf) that the embryo will float up into the remaining tube.