Pregnant and he's thrown me out

[Windmill1828]

Hi everyone - I'm turning to you lovely people to help me!

So it's a long story...

We met a few years ago, hit it off straight away. He was a gentleman, good job etc etc. Treated me like his best friend. We supported each other, we laughed like nothing before. It was just amazing. My family loved him and his did me.
He had a little boy and I have a little girl from previous marriages and they got on so well.
He began to stay over at mine more and more and before you knew it we were practically living together.
I saw him every night almost the whole time we were together and we had his little boy every other weekend.
We holidayed together and started to build a life together.
We decided to buy a house and move in together and that I would sell mine and put the equity in the bank for my little girl one day.
We chose a new house and it was being built.
On New Year's Eve he asked me to marry him! It was the most amazing time of our lives.
The house was supposed to be finished in Feb but kept getting delayed so we were living out of boxes which wasn't ideal but ok.
Then in March we found out I was pregnant! We were over the moon. But that turned into disaster when it turned out to be ectopic just before our engagement party.
He was by my side through the operation and was so sad afterwards. He was distraught!
We were told that to be on the safe side we would need to have ivf to bypass the use of my tubes but probably wouldn't have much trouble conceiving as we just had by ourselves albeit in the wrong place.
We left it three months and then decided to go to a clinic in London to discuss the details. The nurse said yep, we could go for it but as I was 36 and he was 38 to not waste any time.
We had a holiday planned in August but she said it would be fine to still go if we did get pregnant before as we would be over 12 weeks.
So we went home, discussed it and we both agreed to give it a shot!
Next thing you know we are booked in and ready to go. The drugs came and I started injections.
Now anyone who has had IVF will tell you it's not easy. All the travelling on its own was hard. The hormones. The weight gain. The tiredness. It was draining but so worth it that I didn't make a big fuss because I didn't want it to be a big thing if we needed to go through it again.
He even did the first injection with me and held my hand.
There were a few bumps along the way and at points thought we might have to cancel due to complications but to cut a long story short we got pregnant!!! I did about 500 tests!!!
You have to carry on taking hormones after the positive test and on top of the begins of pregnancy (morning sickness/ extreme tiredness etc) but we carried on.
Then my Nan who was so close to me died which was awful.
And then I started a new job as I was full time and we decided that I didn't need to do that anymore.
We moved into our new house when I was 6 weeks pregnant And were busy organising it for the first week.
Then we had our first scan. Another trip to London, all very scary to see if baby was in the right place. And it was! Lovely heathy heartbeat! We were made up. He even stopped on the way home to buy it a little outfit!

We picked his little boy up on the way home. I was so tired after such a draining day and 7 hours in the car that i asked if he could feed the kids while I had a little lie down, to which he said yes.
I went to sleep for about 10 mins and was woken up by the kids playing!
I was a bit miffed he could have kept them quiet but went downstairs and sat at the breakfast bar while the kids ate their dinner and I was sewing a blind.
He said to me that his little boy had done well in his school report to which i said "oh well done" and then thought oh crap where is my little girls report?!! And proceeded to ask her.
That was it.
He sent the kids across the road to the park and he said "I don't wanna make this into a big thing but why were you like that about the report?"
I was fed up anyway and said "what?!! What about it!?" And we blew up and has an argument about how I should've been more enthusiastic.
I just needed to get out of that house and that situation so I said I was going to go back to mine to continue to sort it out.
I was so upset that I decided to stay there and talk about it in the morning.
Well in the morning he was furious that I'd gone and taken My daughter. There was no talking to him.
He didn't have the best childhood in the world but certainly not the worst but he said that it triggered a memory of something that happened to him when he was a boy and he won't have his son feeling like that!!!
We spoke about it and sorted it that night. Had a nice evening together and took the kids out.
Then the next morning he said "I'm sorry but I still feel like I can't do this."
As you can imagine it went from bad to worse.
He spoke to his sister who obviously said he can't have that and then decided to block me on fb and told him to tell me and my daughter to leave. Which he did.
I had my first midwife appt that following day and by the time I came back to the house he had packed boxes.
He said some horrible things like:
He had doubts the week before he asked me to marry him
He wasn't in love with me
How could I treat his kid like that?
Very hurtful things

He then got a van and dumped all mine and my daughters things back at my sold (but not completed just yet) house.

So basically, I'm pregnant
I soon have no home or anywhere to live
I have a temp/ part time job
No money
And I little girl who has no idea what's happened.

So that was 4 weeks ago.
Since then not much has happened. He has sent the wedding venue an email to cancel it even though it was only booked a matter of weeks ago.
Most of my messages get ignored.
Until I sent a nice one to which he replied "he was broken"

This guy was all about family: he treated my little girl like his own. Me like a queen. There wasn't a day went by that he didn't tell me how lucky he felt and how much he loved us.
How can you go from all that to nothing over night? To creating a life to walk away from it.

All over this.!

I am obviously heartbroken. Lost. I feel like I've had my whole life ripped apart and now I have nothing.
I miss him so much but I know I shouldn't.

Any ideas?

Xxx

[Thisisnotadriveby]

Don’t mean to resurrect an oldish thread, but I just wanted to reach out to see if we had had any update from the OP.

If you are still about Windmill1828, I do hope your pregnancy and housing situation is going okay.

[SandyY2K]

No need for Relate. Finances can be sorted out via email/ or any other written method.

Stop contacting and chasing him. He's moved on. He's manipulative and he's a sorry excuse for a man.

He has serious mental issues.

[SevenStones]

Why on earth are you wanting to go to Relate and discuss finances??????

I appreciate that it's hard to let go, even of a man who threw you out and left you homeless, but the two of you seem to be feeding on the drama of it.

You need some help with your self esteem, because if it wasn't low, you wouldn't even be contemplating being in touch with him.

He's a cruel, self-centred arsehole. You do not need him in any way shape or form.

Go no contact, sit on your hands every time you want to talk to him, have your baby, do not put him on the birth certificate, then go through official channels for maintenance.

[Windmill1828]

Thank you for your help! X

[YouAreMyRain]

If he had his child or children living with him, it would reduce his child maintenance payments to you. If his DS doesn't live with him, it doesn't count.

Even if it did make a difference, you still wouldn't need a conversation with him. Leave it to the CMS, ring them if you want to talk it through with them.

[Windmill1828]

Oh right so his other child isn't included in the calculation? He was to pay for each separately?

[YouAreMyRain]

You would only include children that live with him, any other children of his that he pays maintenance for are not included. I think you're manufacturing reasons to stay in contact with him, which is understandable as you are still are grieving for the loss of the family and future that you thought you had, but contacting him will only bring you more pain and prolong your healing process.

[MrsAJ27]

I am so sorry you are going through this OP. You have some brilliant advice on this thread.

I agree with others that he is stringing you along. He isn't ready for you to move on so keeps drawing you back in with the promise he is trying to fix things.

The stuff about his son is just an excuse for his behaviour. You deserve to be treated better than this!

Stay strong, go NC and block his number, focus on you and the girls.

I hope it works out for you and your little family!

[bethy15]

You don't need to do this via relate, you should do this via a solicitor or the government or CAB. Contact CAB about child support.

Relate will give him a chance to push his narrative to a counsellor that you treat his son badly, and also gives you what you've been craving, more contact with him.

Relate lets him know you still are holding onto him and a possible reconciliation.

[Enigmam]

The only conversation you need to have with him about finances is via a solicitor. He has really done a number on you and has managed to make you feel sorry for him in the process, unbelievable!

How do you know any of that bollocks he's fed you about is DS is true?

[MauraIsles]

I can understand where you’re coming from OP, but I just want to ask, has he done anything to support you financially since he kicked you out, you are carrying his unborn Child, as a soon to be father surely he should be supporting you now as well as in the future? I think you may be better possibly seeking formal advice from a third party in regards to financial support, you have documents to prove he is the father, so he cannot at any point deny that he is and refuse support that way, but I genuinely think opening a dialogue with him is just giving him ample opportunity to mess with your head, and you really don’t need that!

[Windmill1828]

Because it doesn't say about what happened If he has two children from different mothers and they have an informal arrangement

[YouAreMyRain]

Why do you need to have a proper conversation about finances? Look on the CMS online calculator, that's what he will be paying you

[Windmill1828]

I need to have a proper conversation with him about finances because I need to know where I stand in order to move on.

[bethy15]

I also, personally, think the relate appointment is a bad idea/suggestion, and has given the OP another reason to try to contact him, when the best thing for her and her children is to avoid contact with this utter disgrace of a human-being.

[bethy15]

Why are you contacting him again.

Honestly, you should just cut yourself off from him. Why would you want him involved with your child, he made you both, and your daughter, homeless.

Ask your midwife for counselling due to these extreme circumstances.

Also, talk to somewhere like Women's Aid, they might be helpful in really showing you where he's been abusive to you and your child, because you clearly are not seeing it, and are still contacting him, desperate to be in touch with him when he's treated you appallingly.

Honestly, it highlights how we raise girls into women and how society has led us into women accepting appalling behaviour and craving more love from the people who abuse us.

I really wish you would realise what's gone on here. What do you think will happen if you did ever get back with him? Do you not see one perceived slight against his son and you'd be kicked out again? Is that a life you really want?

[Butterfly44]

You've had a lucky escape....when you feel lost and remember good times - please remember that!!!
Totally his loss. I would try and be strong and start showing you are over it, even though you aren't. He isn't being their through your pregnancy- remember that.
Portray to him you are strong, getting on with life and have a good support network.
At the counselling meeting remember to bring up finances. He has a child to support going forwards

[YouAreMyRain]

You seem to be hoping for him to have an epiphany, where he realises what a total shit he's been and falls to his knees apologising and goes on to fix everything so that you can be happy ever after. It's not going to happen.

I still have this hope occasionally, it's not easy and being pregnant makes it so much worse. You have come so far, he can never fix what he has done to you. Even if he'd had some kind of head injury where he'd experienced temporary insanity to explain his behaviour and had been suddenly cured, you would never be able to relax and feel emotionally secure with him again.

You are doing really well. One foot in front of the other, you've got this

[ledzepplintooasiseclectic]

Read your original post title-I am pregnant and he has thrown me out..... remember that.

[ledzepplintooasiseclectic]

You seem desperate to maintain contact with this man. I would be focussing on your daughter and supporting her through this change. It’s for your ex to contact you about what happens next not for you to chase him.

[Caselgarcia]

From your updates it appears to me that he's trying to cover his really shit behaviour up by all this 'oh I'm so devastated angst'. It makes him feel less guilty and other people won't judge him so badly.
I suspect all this stringing you along is part of his 'we can't be together because of my son'. He's done the dirty on you and is trying to dress it up as something else so he doesn't feel such a shit.
Everytime you try to overcome the barriers to him being a father to your baby, he refuses, why stop you trying to meet with his son, why would his ex refuse him contact with his son if you got back together?
It's all smoke and mirrors to make him feel better. He'll have depression about it next. Put a stop to this drama. He is a shit for leaving you in this situation.

[Windmill1828]

Yes, I've spoken to my midwife but I've actually known her for a long time so I'm not sure that helps with advice etc.

I asked him this morning if we could meet up to discuss financial matters and book a joint relate appt so we both know what's what when the baby gets here.
He messaged back with "ok" 🙄

[bethy15]

Have you had any counselling/therapy, OP since this happened?

It might be worth talking it through with a therapist to truly understand how awful it is, what he's done to you. Or spoken with your midwife at least?

[Cawfee]

He’s lying. He’s using his son as an excuse. Why would he talk about any of this with a child and give a child the power to decide if he should be with the mother of his unborn child?!?. None of this makes any sense. He is obviously mentally ill and needs counselling/psychiatric help.

If it was me, I’d book a relate appointment and tell him to attend. Tell him it’s important that you both see a mediator/professional ASAP to help you navigate what will happen when the baby is born. Things like practicalities of the birth etc need to be discussed so it makes sense to get guidance with that. Don’t say anything about fixing the relationship. Get him there and see if anything comes up once a professional is talking to him.

It’s a one hour appointment and doesn’t involve his child. If he refuses to attend then that tells you everything you need to know.

[Mary1935]

I’m shocked that he’s even discussed this with his son. It’s not healthy at all and the child already sounds troubled. I think he’s lying to you and I think he’s enjoying you trying to “make him understand” - he’s a weirdo - he really is. He maybe stringing you along so you put his name in the birth certificate. He will ruin your life - he will stop you moving on.
What type of person does what he did to another person - especially whom they are meant to love. He’s without feeling deep down. He’s cruel.
How often did he see his son?
The ex has probably blocked you due to his lies.
He really really isn’t a nice man.
Do not put his name on the birth certificate -
Don’t call him.
BLOCK HIM
No contact.
It’s for the best.
You will get over him quicker you really will.🌺🌺
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