Pregnant and he's thrown me out

[Windmill1828]

Hi everyone - I'm turning to you lovely people to help me!

So it's a long story...

We met a few years ago, hit it off straight away. He was a gentleman, good job etc etc. Treated me like his best friend. We supported each other, we laughed like nothing before. It was just amazing. My family loved him and his did me.
He had a little boy and I have a little girl from previous marriages and they got on so well.
He began to stay over at mine more and more and before you knew it we were practically living together.
I saw him every night almost the whole time we were together and we had his little boy every other weekend.
We holidayed together and started to build a life together.
We decided to buy a house and move in together and that I would sell mine and put the equity in the bank for my little girl one day.
We chose a new house and it was being built.
On New Year's Eve he asked me to marry him! It was the most amazing time of our lives.
The house was supposed to be finished in Feb but kept getting delayed so we were living out of boxes which wasn't ideal but ok.
Then in March we found out I was pregnant! We were over the moon. But that turned into disaster when it turned out to be ectopic just before our engagement party.
He was by my side through the operation and was so sad afterwards. He was distraught!
We were told that to be on the safe side we would need to have ivf to bypass the use of my tubes but probably wouldn't have much trouble conceiving as we just had by ourselves albeit in the wrong place.
We left it three months and then decided to go to a clinic in London to discuss the details. The nurse said yep, we could go for it but as I was 36 and he was 38 to not waste any time.
We had a holiday planned in August but she said it would be fine to still go if we did get pregnant before as we would be over 12 weeks.
So we went home, discussed it and we both agreed to give it a shot!
Next thing you know we are booked in and ready to go. The drugs came and I started injections.
Now anyone who has had IVF will tell you it's not easy. All the travelling on its own was hard. The hormones. The weight gain. The tiredness. It was draining but so worth it that I didn't make a big fuss because I didn't want it to be a big thing if we needed to go through it again.
He even did the first injection with me and held my hand.
There were a few bumps along the way and at points thought we might have to cancel due to complications but to cut a long story short we got pregnant!!! I did about 500 tests!!!
You have to carry on taking hormones after the positive test and on top of the begins of pregnancy (morning sickness/ extreme tiredness etc) but we carried on.
Then my Nan who was so close to me died which was awful.
And then I started a new job as I was full time and we decided that I didn't need to do that anymore.
We moved into our new house when I was 6 weeks pregnant And were busy organising it for the first week.
Then we had our first scan. Another trip to London, all very scary to see if baby was in the right place. And it was! Lovely heathy heartbeat! We were made up. He even stopped on the way home to buy it a little outfit!

We picked his little boy up on the way home. I was so tired after such a draining day and 7 hours in the car that i asked if he could feed the kids while I had a little lie down, to which he said yes.
I went to sleep for about 10 mins and was woken up by the kids playing!
I was a bit miffed he could have kept them quiet but went downstairs and sat at the breakfast bar while the kids ate their dinner and I was sewing a blind.
He said to me that his little boy had done well in his school report to which i said "oh well done" and then thought oh crap where is my little girls report?!! And proceeded to ask her.
That was it.
He sent the kids across the road to the park and he said "I don't wanna make this into a big thing but why were you like that about the report?"
I was fed up anyway and said "what?!! What about it!?" And we blew up and has an argument about how I should've been more enthusiastic.
I just needed to get out of that house and that situation so I said I was going to go back to mine to continue to sort it out.
I was so upset that I decided to stay there and talk about it in the morning.
Well in the morning he was furious that I'd gone and taken My daughter. There was no talking to him.
He didn't have the best childhood in the world but certainly not the worst but he said that it triggered a memory of something that happened to him when he was a boy and he won't have his son feeling like that!!!
We spoke about it and sorted it that night. Had a nice evening together and took the kids out.
Then the next morning he said "I'm sorry but I still feel like I can't do this."
As you can imagine it went from bad to worse.
He spoke to his sister who obviously said he can't have that and then decided to block me on fb and told him to tell me and my daughter to leave. Which he did.
I had my first midwife appt that following day and by the time I came back to the house he had packed boxes.
He said some horrible things like:
He had doubts the week before he asked me to marry him
He wasn't in love with me
How could I treat his kid like that?
Very hurtful things

He then got a van and dumped all mine and my daughters things back at my sold (but not completed just yet) house.

So basically, I'm pregnant
I soon have no home or anywhere to live
I have a temp/ part time job
No money
And I little girl who has no idea what's happened.

So that was 4 weeks ago.
Since then not much has happened. He has sent the wedding venue an email to cancel it even though it was only booked a matter of weeks ago.
Most of my messages get ignored.
Until I sent a nice one to which he replied "he was broken"

This guy was all about family: he treated my little girl like his own. Me like a queen. There wasn't a day went by that he didn't tell me how lucky he felt and how much he loved us.
How can you go from all that to nothing over night? To creating a life to walk away from it.

All over this.!

I am obviously heartbroken. Lost. I feel like I've had my whole life ripped apart and now I have nothing.
I miss him so much but I know I shouldn't.

Any ideas?

Xxx

He has got massive cold feet and is using the report as a red herring. It really isn’t about the report

You need to get your shit together right now as your dd is counting on you. Fuck worrying about him and start looking at some rentals.

You still have everything.

You have money in the bank
Your daughter is healthy
You are healthy

Your in a better position then many many other women in here.

As for your ex - and his family? Fuck the lot of them

So you have some time to get a home sorted for your two girls. I’m so sorry this is happening to you - it is so unfair. Can you talk to your buyer through the solicitor and see if appealing to them might work? Slender chance, I know (I’m no lawyer so no idea if these things can eve be reversed).

It is extremely unfair OP and shocking - the issue about the report is a complete over-reaction and red herring. There were two children in the house and your response was fine - both matter not just his son.

He has then kicked out the pregnant mother of his child and her child and left you in a very difficult position - he has effectively abandoned you all and destroyed your new family. It really is disgusting.

Try to get some real life help - friends or family to help you sort out new accommodation and plan for the future. Maybe you could stay with someone in the meantime till you can get sorted. Only working 2 days a week is going to be tough in the long term, see if you can increase your hours before the baby is born. Can you go back there after the baby or find fuller time work? Get someone to help you think it all through.

Be very very careful about wanting this man back. He's kicked out his pregnant partner and her child over one remark! This is not a well balanced, mature or kind person. I would be very worried for you if you stayed with him after this.

How many adults would be triggered by hearing about a man who kicked out their pregnant mother? What's he's done is truly awful.

This is just awful. I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I went through something similar when pregnant, and I’m now a single mother who has split with my child’s father. He became very strange and abusive when I became pregnant even although he kept saying he wanted me to have his child so badly. He also kept going on about how he didn’t want me to have to work etc but the only reason I quit my job is because of the stress he put me through while I was pregnant (ended up homeless and moved twice and couldn’t deal with working) I ended up having a stoke while pregnant at the age of 29! I have come to realise that my ex is a very narcissistic person who wanted to ruin my life to make himself feel better . I sincerely think this is the same kind of man you are dealing with. Stay away from him, get a home for you and your children and take care of you . Very best wishes to you x

In your position I’d give some thought to a tiny house, if possible where you live. It may be a way for you to own your own home again without a mortgage, and it’s possible to have a really wonderful lifestyle in them.

Whatever you decide to do, wish you and your little family all the best.

That is weird. I didn't realise you could tell the sex at 13 weeks!

I also wonder if you're dealing with a narcissistic personality here.

Basically 'he' took apart your life, took from you everything you had, then dropped you at your most vulnerable.

My spidey senses went off when you said 'we decided I didn't need to work full time'. We decided - or he decided? Who suggested it?

What's his history like? How does he talk about his ex, the mother of his son?

This may be about his (babied) son but I think it has more to do with his disordered personality. The suddenness of you being thrown out - of paradise? - with barely anything to your name.

I'm so very sorry this has happened to you

@musti
It was IVF so I’m assuming she knows what sex was implanted. But you can tell here (in the US) at 12 weeks or less what the sex is to able 98% certainty. Or there’s NIPT testing and that can tell you by eight weeks.

It sounds to me like you don't care about his son , only your DD and the unborn child. Dress it up any way you want , but that's the truth.

That's the truth?? I'm not sure you're in a position to say that Clown - are you God?

springy don't be ridiculous, of course I'm not god.
Why don't you read what the OP has said? That's what I have based my opinion on.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. ☺️

I found out I'm having a little girl because I had NIPT ( 99.9% effective test for downs mainly) which looks at the chromosomes in the blood. I found out at 10 weeks.

He comes from a family who hardly speak to each other. His only family he does speak to don't talk to each other but I didn't think he was like that.

He never actively slated his wife but he didn't have too much amazing stuff to say about her either. Lots of rolling of the eyes and stories of when he had to step up as the parent as she wasn't doing so great!
On their divorce papers she claimed he abandoned her but I'm not sure that's the whole truth but honestly, I don't know.

@clownfaces That's quite honestly not true. I would'nt be in a relationship with a man who had a child I didn't care about for the rest of my life. I just couldn't, it wouldn't be fair on either of us. I grew to love that little boy like he was my own.

Ah, it's your opinion.

Well that's ok then if it's your opinion. I just don't think you have the right to say it's the truth. It isn't the truth, it's your opinion.

I think we're all reading the op and basing our opinions on that.

Windmill I apologise then if I have misunderstood. It seemed to me that you were making a big deal about your children but very little about his son. My mistake

springy I voiced my opinion. maybe I don't have the right to voice it, but you declared
I also wonder if you're dealing with a narcissistic personality here. are you qualified to give online diagnosis? and went on to give a lot of information based on your opinion, including the fact the OP was "thrown out of paradise'?

Sorry for giving my humble opinion as opposed to your professional ultimate facts?

You can still pull out of the sale but you will lose your deposit. Is there anyway you can do that and keep the house?

He’s done a real number on you, hasn’t he?

He hadn’t even married you (which would have given you certain legal rights) and you had already got pregnant, given up your full time job for a part time one, and sold your house without having your name on the deeds/mortgage for another one.

Effectively you made you and your daughter homeless, if you are living in a home that belongs to someone you’re not married to, you have no legal right to live there if they decide they want you out.

I don’t understand leaving your full time job either - if you had stayed until having your baby, you could have got maternity pay, and then looked for a part time job after maternity leave.

I agree with PPs that the school report is an excuse and he timed the split on purpose, he was waiting until after you had exchanged on your house so you would be homeless with no way of getting another mortgage due to your part time job.

I suggest you look for a full time job pronto. Find somewhere else to live and prioritise housing security for you and your children in future.

@AnotherEmma when you have zero issues in a relationship and have booked your wedding, had the engagement party and are already living together as a family why wouldn't you?
He honestly never put a foot wrong.

I'm not going to lie, it wasn't always easy being the future step parent to a child you only see twice a month. He was a very anxious little lad, I think due to his parents over compensating for the break up of their marriage. He lacked independence and I strived to give it to him.
He had very irrational fears that an 8 year old shouldn't have had like breaking his bones, getting eaten by sharks, dying. Broke my heart. I even made him a little worry box. I did feel sometimes like I was the only one parenting him.
This little boy was so full of love - had the biggest heart.

With regards to the house, I thought about pulling out but I didn't have the funds/ cash to pay off the legal fees on both parts and the solicitor.
Would've been about 5-6k.
I have taken steps to find a smaller house and applied for the mortgage on it. I'm just waiting to see if I get it.
If not. I am lucky enough to have a bit of equity to be able to rent for a while.
It's not ideal but will be ok, hopefully.

I was struggling with my last job. Had been there 7 years and it was just getting me down, I in the end was effectively doing two peoples jobs with no extra pay due to cut backs.
He wanted me just to quit it was that bad but i waited to find a different job as I always wanted at the very least my own small amount of money.

Op it sounds like there were problems in the relationship and you had your blinkers on. I think in time you will look back and connect things and realise things weren't perfect.

You have already said that you felt you were the only one parenting his son, and that his ex wife claimed abandonment. And from his son's behaviour it sounds like he's had a dysfunctional upbringing. Those things should all have been red flags.

Firstly, so sorry to hear this he sounds truly awful, so cruel and completely heartless. I'm shocked to read anyone could just screw someone over so blatantly.

I just wanted to add that you should try to raise that 5-6k to get out of selling your house. Once you come off the ladder it's really hard to get back on especially with prices rising and now you're part time. You know all this anyway I'm sure but if it was me I'd beg and borrow to get that money and keep the house! It's a lot of money but it's not so much that it's impossible. 🌼

First of all, I'm so sorry - you've been put in an absolutely horrendous position by this bastard. Strange that his wife said he abandoned her - sounds rather similar to me. I agree with the poster that suggested seeing if you could raise £5-£6k to stay in your house - what about your parents maybe - could they lend it to you? Or do you have a car and other stuff that maybe you could sell? You could even call his bluff and tell him you want it from him, as he is the one that has put you in this situation. It would be good to do everything you possibly can to stay in your house, it would be a shame to have to rent after being a homeowner. He has already done so much damage to you - sounds as though not having your name of the deeds of the new house was very calculated by him.

It won't be £5-6k now she's exchanged. It'll be the whole deposit. OP, tell your sol what has happened and see if the other side will negotiate maybe

You poor thing - what does his helpful sister have to say about all this?

In terms of next steps I was going to say this.

It won't be £5-6k now she's exchanged. It'll be the whole deposit. OP, tell your sol what has happened and see if the other side will negotiate maybe

One key word missing is potentially,
I think you should speak this your solicitor and try and speak to the vendors directly (ideally f2f)

Anyone half human would understand getting a mortgage on your own in this climate while pregnant will be tricky.
If they are compassionate They may just ask for direct losses to be covered.

It’s not guaranteed they’ll have any sympathy but I would certainly try it.
It’s unfortunate you left it 4 weeks before posting as you are now presumably very close to completion but it will be due to shock/disbelief. I would phone solicitors 9am Monday or contact the vendors today if you have their details.

Failing that I would have a frank conversation with the ex fiancé and tell him due to his decisions (which you accept) you now find yourself homeless and need somewhere to live. you are carrying his child so can’t get a mortgage right now but will in 12/18 months. In the interim you will need to live in the new house to provide care/a home for his child. Failing that he needs to provide a rental/alternative accommodation.

I’d also file for CMS ASAP this will help in terms of practical day to day things

Thank you all so much - I drawing strength from your words!

Obviously I've told you all the bad bits, it was rare we fell out and we looked after each other very well. If we did fall out we would make up and became stronger.
Everyone who knew us said we were the most amazing couple. And I, at least felt like it.
I thought he did too. Messages every day. Saying how happy he was and hope excited he was for our future. Flowers. He was always thinking of me and our family.
He worked long huts and was always tired: he drove a good 4/5 round trip to work everyday and I know that was taking its toll on him he did admit it.

Regardless though, I never in a million years thought he would do this. It is all my fault and he didn't throw me out. He had no choice "because of the even that led up to this" (the report!)
So he is unwilling to help me now financially or in any other way.

I've tried so hard to get him involved in the baby. I asked him to chip in towards the cost of the nipt test he high included a scan as I was higher risk of downs and he read the message and didn't reply. I had to borrow the money. He didnt ask how my scan went.

He has said since that he wants to be part of baby's life. How can this be? I just can't see how it will work. Will he be at the birth? How will my daughter feel about him being in (hopefully) our new home and him coming round. I know babies cant lleave mum for a good while.
He is so riddled with guilt about his son that he's totally done worse to his unborn daughter who now has no chance of having a full time dad.

Ivf was hard and it's not something you can trick someone into. I know every baby is a gift but ivf ones especially. We should be celebrating this little girl and it's almost become a dirty "oh are you keeping it" secret.
I don't even know if he's told anyone his end and if he has I'm sure he's not celebrating it either.

It's such a sad mess. It really is.

@trojanpony thanks for your reply.

I will do all those things, thank you.

I did ask him to pay and support us during this time and he said that it wasn't him that put me in this position it was the only choice he had after the whole report thing!!! Cms? I can't apply until the baby is born I don't think?

I'm also pretty sure he's told his ex wife some pretty story and now she's blocked me on FB too! 🙄
It wouldn't surprise me if i was no longer allowed to see his son. Which of course hurts. And worries me for the future as it's his babies brother.

Like I said, this is such a mess and totally out of the blue. Non of it makes any sense and it's like he's not thought any of it through.

See a solicitor asap. I think you would be able to stay in your house but you would have to pay compensation to your 'buyers' but you could probably insist that he pays thus it at least a share of this. Stop thinking with your heart think with your head and get legal advice. You may struggle to get a mortgage and will waste money renting so compensating your'buyers' is probably better.