Pregnant and he's thrown me out

[Windmill1828]

Hi everyone - I'm turning to you lovely people to help me!

So it's a long story...

We met a few years ago, hit it off straight away. He was a gentleman, good job etc etc. Treated me like his best friend. We supported each other, we laughed like nothing before. It was just amazing. My family loved him and his did me.
He had a little boy and I have a little girl from previous marriages and they got on so well.
He began to stay over at mine more and more and before you knew it we were practically living together.
I saw him every night almost the whole time we were together and we had his little boy every other weekend.
We holidayed together and started to build a life together.
We decided to buy a house and move in together and that I would sell mine and put the equity in the bank for my little girl one day.
We chose a new house and it was being built.
On New Year's Eve he asked me to marry him! It was the most amazing time of our lives.
The house was supposed to be finished in Feb but kept getting delayed so we were living out of boxes which wasn't ideal but ok.
Then in March we found out I was pregnant! We were over the moon. But that turned into disaster when it turned out to be ectopic just before our engagement party.
He was by my side through the operation and was so sad afterwards. He was distraught!
We were told that to be on the safe side we would need to have ivf to bypass the use of my tubes but probably wouldn't have much trouble conceiving as we just had by ourselves albeit in the wrong place.
We left it three months and then decided to go to a clinic in London to discuss the details. The nurse said yep, we could go for it but as I was 36 and he was 38 to not waste any time.
We had a holiday planned in August but she said it would be fine to still go if we did get pregnant before as we would be over 12 weeks.
So we went home, discussed it and we both agreed to give it a shot!
Next thing you know we are booked in and ready to go. The drugs came and I started injections.
Now anyone who has had IVF will tell you it's not easy. All the travelling on its own was hard. The hormones. The weight gain. The tiredness. It was draining but so worth it that I didn't make a big fuss because I didn't want it to be a big thing if we needed to go through it again.
He even did the first injection with me and held my hand.
There were a few bumps along the way and at points thought we might have to cancel due to complications but to cut a long story short we got pregnant!!! I did about 500 tests!!!
You have to carry on taking hormones after the positive test and on top of the begins of pregnancy (morning sickness/ extreme tiredness etc) but we carried on.
Then my Nan who was so close to me died which was awful.
And then I started a new job as I was full time and we decided that I didn't need to do that anymore.
We moved into our new house when I was 6 weeks pregnant And were busy organising it for the first week.
Then we had our first scan. Another trip to London, all very scary to see if baby was in the right place. And it was! Lovely heathy heartbeat! We were made up. He even stopped on the way home to buy it a little outfit!

We picked his little boy up on the way home. I was so tired after such a draining day and 7 hours in the car that i asked if he could feed the kids while I had a little lie down, to which he said yes.
I went to sleep for about 10 mins and was woken up by the kids playing!
I was a bit miffed he could have kept them quiet but went downstairs and sat at the breakfast bar while the kids ate their dinner and I was sewing a blind.
He said to me that his little boy had done well in his school report to which i said "oh well done" and then thought oh crap where is my little girls report?!! And proceeded to ask her.
That was it.
He sent the kids across the road to the park and he said "I don't wanna make this into a big thing but why were you like that about the report?"
I was fed up anyway and said "what?!! What about it!?" And we blew up and has an argument about how I should've been more enthusiastic.
I just needed to get out of that house and that situation so I said I was going to go back to mine to continue to sort it out.
I was so upset that I decided to stay there and talk about it in the morning.
Well in the morning he was furious that I'd gone and taken My daughter. There was no talking to him.
He didn't have the best childhood in the world but certainly not the worst but he said that it triggered a memory of something that happened to him when he was a boy and he won't have his son feeling like that!!!
We spoke about it and sorted it that night. Had a nice evening together and took the kids out.
Then the next morning he said "I'm sorry but I still feel like I can't do this."
As you can imagine it went from bad to worse.
He spoke to his sister who obviously said he can't have that and then decided to block me on fb and told him to tell me and my daughter to leave. Which he did.
I had my first midwife appt that following day and by the time I came back to the house he had packed boxes.
He said some horrible things like:
He had doubts the week before he asked me to marry him
He wasn't in love with me
How could I treat his kid like that?
Very hurtful things

He then got a van and dumped all mine and my daughters things back at my sold (but not completed just yet) house.

So basically, I'm pregnant
I soon have no home or anywhere to live
I have a temp/ part time job
No money
And I little girl who has no idea what's happened.

So that was 4 weeks ago.
Since then not much has happened. He has sent the wedding venue an email to cancel it even though it was only booked a matter of weeks ago.
Most of my messages get ignored.
Until I sent a nice one to which he replied "he was broken"

This guy was all about family: he treated my little girl like his own. Me like a queen. There wasn't a day went by that he didn't tell me how lucky he felt and how much he loved us.
How can you go from all that to nothing over night? To creating a life to walk away from it.

All over this.!

I am obviously heartbroken. Lost. I feel like I've had my whole life ripped apart and now I have nothing.
I miss him so much but I know I shouldn't.

Any ideas?

Xxx

[Figgygal]

So his wife claimed abandonment and you doubted that........hmm seems there may have been truth in it. Has he enquirer about the baby at all? It sounds like you want him back and are still trying to understand why and make excuses for him.

When are you due to complete? What's the plan? Can you move in with family?

[trojanpony]

CMS I know but you can fill in the papers etc. So you get the balling rolling ASAP once the baby arrives.

Do not try and “understand his position” - I would also not minimise it, be really clear with his family about your POV and be clear you'd like them to have a relationship.

Your step son(?) will have a sibling so I would try and reach out the the exwife somehow as it would be nice for them to have a relationship. She has probably been told you were abusive to her son or similar even if she’s not keen to engage she may change her viewpoint later done the road so try not to get too hung up on this right now. (Easier said than done)


If you do go down the renting option be careful and have a clear exit plan. Don’t let equity get swallowed by renting for longer than intended and if you can def get a mortgage (long term it will likely be better financially it just depends on if you can swallow it in the short term)

I wouldnt argue with him on his “you did this, no you did this” I would raise it agin under the topic of “the fact remains you are having a child and you have responsibilities and the child has needs - there is an associated cost to that and you need to be a responsible adult about this”

Honestly my heart goes out to you.
This will in the fullness of time get better.

[Windmill1828]

@Figgygal so far the plan is:
My Nan died as I mentioned initially so her home is empty. Will be awful to be there but it will be a roof over our heads in the interim.
It doesn't need to be sold for probate so we can't stay there for long.

I did want him back, of course. He was everything to me and my daughter, if I had seen any red flags I certainly wouldn't have thrown a baby into the mix.
I dunno if he's conned me or if this is all some sort of breakdown? We did have several HUGE things all going on at once.
If he's just a total shit it if he's very lost.
I am making headway on making sure we are ok as I can't rely on him and I will speak to my solicitor on Monday.

Luckily the house I have chosen is cheaper than the old one and I was lucky enough to only need a small mortgage with using help to buy so I'm hoping that stands me in good stead. Not ideal but it's a plan of sorts.

Xx

[RainySeptember]

Pull out of the sale. Your buyers will understand and your first priority is your children. You will have to pay your buyer's costs but raising that will be easier than raising a mortgage, and less dead money than paying rent until your equity runs out.

[bastardkitty]

Please don't try to involve him in your pregnancy. I know you are hurting like hell and miss him terribly, but he is never coming back and in the long run you will be happier if you cut all ties as far as possible. He is a shit person and a shit dad. You will regret any effort you make to have him involved. He has red flags all over him. Even as you talk about how brilliant and amazing he was, he clearly wasn't. I really am not saying this to be bitchy. You need to work on your boundaries. I really hope you can get your mortgage. You will get through this and I'm certain in time you will be delighted with your 2 DDs and he will be completely irrelevant.

[RainySeptember]

Sorry x posted op.

[Singlenotsingle]

It almost sounds as though he planned it all, especially waiting until you had exchanged contracts on the sale of your house (and not putting your name on the deeds of the new one). No doubt if you were as close to the little boy as you say, this will be a fresh blow to him as well. He's already showing signs of distress if he's worrying about things that 8 year olds shouldn't even know about. Poor little mite.

And don't make excuses for the man. He's planned all this. I would agree, you should try to pull out of the sale. Maybe if your buyers know the full story they'll agree and not penalise you. But do it quickly.

[astoundedgoat]

Whatever you do, don't put him on the birth certificate. If he only sees his son twice a month you probably don't have much to worry about, but his guy is high risk for jerking you around for the next 18 years if he's on that certificate.

I would LOVE to know more about what his ex had to say about "abandonment". Sounds like he has form. Had his son even been born when they split up?

[Windmill1828]

Having had my own divorce I know that you have to put one of a few shit things down as a reason.

They met at uni and were together for a long time. He said they became different people. He wanted the house in the country and he wanted to be more of a city man etc but he gave it all to her.
Apparently he couldn't even buy his own clothes - she bought them all and wee very fitting in with her county lifestyle.
He always said that he thought things would get better. New house. Baby.. etc. But it didn't and he left. Apparently he went back some months later because he missed his boy but it didn't work and apparently in the end she asked him to leave.

I know he misses his son more than anything. I just didn't realise it had messed him up so much!

[bastardkitty]

With respect, I don't think you know anything about him. He's a liar and manipulator. You know absolutely nothing about his ex wife and their marriage, just as those people he is lying to about you now are absolutely clueless about who you are and what your relationship was like. He is either a sadist or a commitment-phobe. Either way, he is not a good person. I'm alarmed by how much you are making excuses and feeling sorry for him. I know it's so hard because you are very shocked.

[Lordamighty]

Stop being so nice about him, he is trying to ruin your life. He isn’t on your side, he doesn’t have your best interests at heart. You need to prioritise yourself & your children. Don’t waste your energy trying to understand him or his motives.

[Windmill1828]

You're right.
But for 4/5 weeks now I've felt like it was all my fault. Desperate to save my family and for this baby to have the daddy she deserves.
And that's why I finally came on here to get some proper perspective so I could address the balance.
I already feel stronger and more empowered.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to help me.
I've tried to be as honest about the situation to you all as possible so I can get true perspective for my own sake.
Of course I wish I'd made a bigger fuss over the report but in all honestly.. it wasn't the little boy that had a problem with this. It was the ex.

If I don't put his name on the birth certificate what does that actually mean?

I kept my married name so I had the Same as my daughter so she would be named after my ex?!
Oh god it gets worse!!! Xx

[bastardkitty]

So? You and your 2 DDs will share the same name. What's awful about that?

[Windmill1828]

@bastardkitty so new baby has my ex husbands name?
I'm aware it's only a name but would he have something to say about that? X

[Lordamighty]

Just stop berating yourself about the report, it was never about that.
I agree with someone upthread who said it was deliberate. It was certainly cold & callous because that is who he is.

[sexnotgender]

Wow, he has done a number on you! What an absolute arsehole.

Fingers crossed your mortgage comes through and you can have a nice home for you and your daughters.

[Lordamighty]

The baby will have YOUR name & the same surname as her sister.

[FishingIsNotASport]

This is truly awful. You must be in absolute shock over how he has treated you and your children . I hope you have people around you who love and support you. To throw a pregnant woman and her young child out on their ear indicates the most heartless of characters, and there's no going back now even if he were to throw himself at your feet and beg for forgiveness - the trust is gone. Is there really no way you can raise the 6k to cancel your sale? You will probably need a couple of grand plus the first month's rent for a rental anyway, and as you say your equity will be paying off someone else's mortgage, so scraping together 6k now will save your investment and remove the stress to you and your daughter of the move. I'm so sorry for you Windmill, but you are better off without this unpredictable, unreasonable, heartless cretin.

[bastardkitty]

I think you worry far too much about what other people think. You need to think about yourself. You have been left in an utterly shit situation and you will need to make the best of it. Whilst worrying about what other people think, you are neglecting yourself. You and your 2 DDs are all that matters here. Is your ex abusive?

[Windmill1828]

I'm not so much worried about what people think. More that these are life changing decisions to be made and I need to make sure I do the right thing for my girls.
Some things like names and birth certificates need extra thought.
I'm just weighing up my options that's all x

[NameChange30]

How did your ex-husband treat you? How did your parents treat you as a child?

It seems to me that there were red flags from the beginning - it was too much too soon, for starters, especially with young children in the equation. And now he’s clearly treating you appallingly but you’re still making excuses for him and blaming yourself. This makes me wonder if you’ve been conditioned to do this and also makes me think that there were probably other things you overlooked or blamed yourself for.

The report incident was a non incident. You did nothing wrong. He might have issues to do with all sort of things but none of it would excuse the way he has treated you as his current partner who is pregnant with his child.

You can give the child whichever name you choose. Since you decided you take and keep your ex’s name, it’s your name now and it’s also the name you share with DD1. So it would make complete sense to use it for the new baby too.

As for putting his name on the birth certificate - as you’re not married you can’t put him on it unless he registers the birth with you. If he is on the birth certificate he will have Parental Responsibility which means he has the legal right to a say in major decisions affecting her including which school she goes to and whether you can take her on holiday abroad (you won’t be able to without his permission). If his name is not on the birth certificate he won’t automatically get PR but can apply to the courts to get it.

Whether or not he’s on the birth certificate he will still have a legal obligation to pay child maintenance.

[NameChange30]

Since you decided to

[Windmill1828]

@bastardkitty no he wasn't abusive.

It didn't feel like too much too soon to be honest. It just felt like it was the right time for everything. Even my family who are extra protective were so happy for us.

But you are all right, I need to move on and do what's right for me and dd's! 😃

[TheMotherofBears]

OP I've got not advice to offer I'm afraid but I'm so sorry this happened to you. Everything crossed for you that your mortgage is approved or the buyers are sympathetic and let you pull out.

[Windmill1828]

@AnotherEmma ex husband cheated on me in our marriage and when I was pregnant!!!! I know how to pick them right? He continued to stay with her and are still together and they have another baby on the way. That was nearly ten years ago!
It was so awful I was absolutely fine about moving on whereas I'm not so certain this time, and I known I should be!