Pregnant and he's thrown me out

[Windmill1828]

Hi everyone - I'm turning to you lovely people to help me!

So it's a long story...

We met a few years ago, hit it off straight away. He was a gentleman, good job etc etc. Treated me like his best friend. We supported each other, we laughed like nothing before. It was just amazing. My family loved him and his did me.
He had a little boy and I have a little girl from previous marriages and they got on so well.
He began to stay over at mine more and more and before you knew it we were practically living together.
I saw him every night almost the whole time we were together and we had his little boy every other weekend.
We holidayed together and started to build a life together.
We decided to buy a house and move in together and that I would sell mine and put the equity in the bank for my little girl one day.
We chose a new house and it was being built.
On New Year's Eve he asked me to marry him! It was the most amazing time of our lives.
The house was supposed to be finished in Feb but kept getting delayed so we were living out of boxes which wasn't ideal but ok.
Then in March we found out I was pregnant! We were over the moon. But that turned into disaster when it turned out to be ectopic just before our engagement party.
He was by my side through the operation and was so sad afterwards. He was distraught!
We were told that to be on the safe side we would need to have ivf to bypass the use of my tubes but probably wouldn't have much trouble conceiving as we just had by ourselves albeit in the wrong place.
We left it three months and then decided to go to a clinic in London to discuss the details. The nurse said yep, we could go for it but as I was 36 and he was 38 to not waste any time.
We had a holiday planned in August but she said it would be fine to still go if we did get pregnant before as we would be over 12 weeks.
So we went home, discussed it and we both agreed to give it a shot!
Next thing you know we are booked in and ready to go. The drugs came and I started injections.
Now anyone who has had IVF will tell you it's not easy. All the travelling on its own was hard. The hormones. The weight gain. The tiredness. It was draining but so worth it that I didn't make a big fuss because I didn't want it to be a big thing if we needed to go through it again.
He even did the first injection with me and held my hand.
There were a few bumps along the way and at points thought we might have to cancel due to complications but to cut a long story short we got pregnant!!! I did about 500 tests!!!
You have to carry on taking hormones after the positive test and on top of the begins of pregnancy (morning sickness/ extreme tiredness etc) but we carried on.
Then my Nan who was so close to me died which was awful.
And then I started a new job as I was full time and we decided that I didn't need to do that anymore.
We moved into our new house when I was 6 weeks pregnant And were busy organising it for the first week.
Then we had our first scan. Another trip to London, all very scary to see if baby was in the right place. And it was! Lovely heathy heartbeat! We were made up. He even stopped on the way home to buy it a little outfit!

We picked his little boy up on the way home. I was so tired after such a draining day and 7 hours in the car that i asked if he could feed the kids while I had a little lie down, to which he said yes.
I went to sleep for about 10 mins and was woken up by the kids playing!
I was a bit miffed he could have kept them quiet but went downstairs and sat at the breakfast bar while the kids ate their dinner and I was sewing a blind.
He said to me that his little boy had done well in his school report to which i said "oh well done" and then thought oh crap where is my little girls report?!! And proceeded to ask her.
That was it.
He sent the kids across the road to the park and he said "I don't wanna make this into a big thing but why were you like that about the report?"
I was fed up anyway and said "what?!! What about it!?" And we blew up and has an argument about how I should've been more enthusiastic.
I just needed to get out of that house and that situation so I said I was going to go back to mine to continue to sort it out.
I was so upset that I decided to stay there and talk about it in the morning.
Well in the morning he was furious that I'd gone and taken My daughter. There was no talking to him.
He didn't have the best childhood in the world but certainly not the worst but he said that it triggered a memory of something that happened to him when he was a boy and he won't have his son feeling like that!!!
We spoke about it and sorted it that night. Had a nice evening together and took the kids out.
Then the next morning he said "I'm sorry but I still feel like I can't do this."
As you can imagine it went from bad to worse.
He spoke to his sister who obviously said he can't have that and then decided to block me on fb and told him to tell me and my daughter to leave. Which he did.
I had my first midwife appt that following day and by the time I came back to the house he had packed boxes.
He said some horrible things like:
He had doubts the week before he asked me to marry him
He wasn't in love with me
How could I treat his kid like that?
Very hurtful things

He then got a van and dumped all mine and my daughters things back at my sold (but not completed just yet) house.

So basically, I'm pregnant
I soon have no home or anywhere to live
I have a temp/ part time job
No money
And I little girl who has no idea what's happened.

So that was 4 weeks ago.
Since then not much has happened. He has sent the wedding venue an email to cancel it even though it was only booked a matter of weeks ago.
Most of my messages get ignored.
Until I sent a nice one to which he replied "he was broken"

This guy was all about family: he treated my little girl like his own. Me like a queen. There wasn't a day went by that he didn't tell me how lucky he felt and how much he loved us.
How can you go from all that to nothing over night? To creating a life to walk away from it.

All over this.!

I am obviously heartbroken. Lost. I feel like I've had my whole life ripped apart and now I have nothing.
I miss him so much but I know I shouldn't.

Any ideas?

Xxx

I came into this site for support and now I'm feeling that even my medical history is being brought into question.
Yes, I might've have made some mistakes regarding what to do with my house but obviously that is something that I will learn from.

@findingmywaytoday thank you x

No problem. For what it's worth, I haven't had experience of what has happened with your partner, but if he truly cared for you and your unborn child and daughter he wouldn't have behaved in the manner her has / is. Don't let him drag you down. Good luck.

I see Job's friends are piling in

You've made some mistakes - haven't we all! For most of us, the vast majority, those mistakes didn't end in disaster. You have been extremely unlucky to have been entangled with a frighteningly disordered man. The vast majority of men are ordinary types and you would have stepped over this potential ravine onto safety. Not this time

Yy you'll be the first in future to warn women to not run this risk. But here we are and the worst has happened. Do NOT beat yourself up - and don't let anyone else beat you up either. BACK OFF PEOPLE. But for the grace of God for most of us

Do you think there's any mileage in contacting the solicitor to pull out of the sale? It's worth trying.

Keep going lovely, step at a time

I see Job’s friends are piling in

My friend went through something similar.

They were having trouble conceiving and looking in to treatment but she got pregnant naturally after quite some time. Sold her house to fund a property he wanted, she resigned as the move involved relocating 300 miles away.

Got home one day and all his stuff was gone. He told everyone they wanted different things.
He’d told her the exact same thing when speaking about his ex-wife.

She was able to withdraw her resignation, stop the house sale (which cost her a lot- she had to reimburse her buyers, and also lost the deposit on the new house), but sadly miscarried.

@springydaff thank you lovely XX

@Windmill1828 I haven't read the full thread but if you have exchanged and not yet completed there is still the possibility of not completing. Talk to your solicitor about this as there would be a financial penalty, but it may be that something can be negotiated with your buyers. You need to speak to your solicitor and explain you do not want to complete and understand what your options are before the completion date.

Horrible situation. You must protect yourself. He is now your enemy.

I suspect the side of him that he did such a good job of hiding from you is busy making you the bad guy. As others have said, ‘the report’ was a red herring, it was simply a means to an end, getting rid of you. Somebody this callous must have a very dark side indeed.

I don’t know why he behaved the way he did but he could be one of life’s future fakers, who do an incredible job of creating the fairytale but aren’t that interested in the responsibilities. I would keep this man at arms length until you are settled, don’t worry that by doing this you are scuppering the chance of him being involved in his daughters life because whatever you do or don’t do, this type of man will always find an excuse to blame you even, when if it was his intention all along to not be involved. He’s a coward and all that guff about missing his son, just rings hollow now. The way he involved his way in your DD’s life and just abandoned her without a backwards glance says all you need to know about his character. He isn’t misunderstood, he’s just selfish.

My Ex’s mother recently relayed to me how sad her son was not to have contact with DD, the woman simply cannot accept that this was his decision and the crocodile tears are just his way of mainting his victim status and my perpetrator status. She’s more interested in the sob story of a man in his 4O’s than the trauma of a child whowitnessed her father attack his mother and then deciding that contact was too much trouble. For some inexplicable reason, society gives some men a free pass to behave appallingly and it is usually women who are the victims and the accessories of their crimes.

You’ve been had and it sucks but never ever, give this selfish coward another in to your life, there’s nothing but head fuckery if you do.

Take care and congratulations, you and your girls will be fine.

Feel really bad for you OP in this situation. Seems he had more going on in his head than you knew.

I just wondered if it was worth you writing him a letter. Explaining how tired you were, how of course you didn't mean to cause offence and how special his son is to you. Get it all off your chest. With the simple idea that you do have to parent together in the future somehow. You will have been the bigger person.

I would never trust him again though given the financial mess he knows he has left you and your daughter in re the house etc.

You see I don't think you should apologise.

I think you should be thinking he is as mad as a bag of frogs.

No one flies off the handle like that unless they have mental issues.

I would NEVER trust him again. It's over. Why the hell would you want to be with him after how he has treated you and your daughters.

Bugger that for a game of soldiers -stop contacting him. When she is born go for CMS. But for now, I would delete him and all his family off facebook and get a new mobile phone.

I would be tempted to send him a letter but NO APOLOGIES.

Dear *

Our relationship is over. I am pregnant and have tiredness that goes with that -pregnancy requires support and you didn't give me any of that. The way you have treated me is vile. The way you have treated my daughter is vile. The issue over your son's report has completely been blown over the top by you -reasonable people do not fly off the handle. I said well done, I was tired -due to pregnancy and long day and it sparked a thought that where was **'s report. You demanded and have ended our relationship because I wasn't enthusiastic enough for you about a school report. All I can think, is that I and my daughters have had a very lucky escape. Your behaviour is totally unreasonable.
Once the baby is here, I may choose to get in touch -but for now, don't contact me or my daughter.'

End of.

No emotions, no pleading. For goodness sake this man is a nutter.

As someone who was also dumped pregnant ten years ago now, I can tell you it gets better and you’re doing all the right things like sorting out your house for you and your daughter. You have my complete sympathy and it’s great to read that while you might feel weak, small, dreadful etc, you sound strong and are doing all you can with the shitty hand this man has dealt you. Keep on keeping on, OP

If your ex-partner wants to BE a good father for his daughter, it will be up to him to pursue this through the courts. Quite frankly, given that he created a whole drama out of nothing to give him an excuse to drop you both from a great height, you should focus on you, the baby, and protecting yourselves from a man who you can no longer trust or rely on.

This incident hasn't come from nothing OP.
Either he doesn't want you, OR he wants someone/something else.

How long were you together for op? It sounds like a lot of love bombing and then suddenly gone cold. The history with ex wife adbandonment sounds very similar to what’s happened here getting a new house a baby. Sounds as if he can’t handle full time family life.

@NameWithChamge I have done this several times. Extended the olive branch for the sake of our daughter but to no avail. Previously it's been ignored or I've had a back lash of "you just don't get it do you?" The whole son thing apparently left him with no other choice but to throw us out and so it's my fault we landed in this situation.
Apparently he didn't throw us out.

You sound like you are holding it together so well when your world has been ripped apart and I am so sorry that happened to you.
Please don’t let the people who enjoy sticking the boot into someone already down put you off posting. Plenty of people have read your story and will feel only sympathetic towards your situation.
No point knowing what you should have done now. I agree with posters saying do not put him on the birth certificate. You can still get child support. Also agree regarding the name. So what if it’s was your ex husbands it’s your wee family name now just the three of you hypen it if you want for you all.
He wasn’t a good man he just pretended to be for a while but it’s hard to hold a mask in place forever. He lied to you, is treating you and your daughter disgustingly and you are not to blame. Be angry he’s a dick.
Good luck

@bertielab thank you for taking the time to even write a template for me bless you! I think the nicey nicey approach has been and gone now xx

@Time4Gin bless you hun. I'm glad to hear your story. It gives me hope xx

@Harpstrings I know right? I'm thinking it's the latter 😞

@Blarblarblar thank you. It's been a rough few weeks but gaining support (mostly) from being on here is wonderful and I feel much more positive.
Thank you all to who have taken the time to help me, it really does mean a lot xx

He DID throw you out. Don’t let him gaslight you by telling you he didn’t.

How much equity will you have?

What’s happening with your gran’s house? Can’t you go there?

You don’t have to allow him at the birth, that’s your choice. You put what name you want on the birth certificate, same as you/your daughter’s for ease, I’d say.

@Maelstrop yeah. It seems the general consensus is that the name must remain mine and i think that's a smart move now. XX

Do not give any man/person power over you!! It really sounds like you were love-bombed and believed you were in a happy ever after. You mentioned previously that things wouldn't be the perfect image you hoped for...life rarely is and you need to be focused on you and your children. It's crap that this has happened twice to you...maybe have some counselling to help you feel more positive and strong because you are!! He is a shit, pure and simple. There is no excuse for his behaviour, have no more discussions with him about the past. He'll gaslight you.
Names are important, you can so easily have your girls and you have the same name, either your previously married name or your maiden name which is truly your girls' family name. Hold your head high.

Go to a solicitor.
You are not entitled to issue any financial application until after the birth, but that application can include the costs you incurred in being pregnant and costs of the birth and new baby clothes/equipment.
So IF he really wants to be a part of this baby's life then he can start that now by providing support voluntarily. Hard for him to force you to let him have contact with a baby he refused to support in utero.

Schedule 1 of the Children Act entitles you to lump sums for housing, birth/nursery costs etc. If he is a high earner you may also be entitled to maintenance over and above the CMS maximum.