Pregnant and he's thrown me out

[Windmill1828]

Hi everyone - I'm turning to you lovely people to help me!

So it's a long story...

We met a few years ago, hit it off straight away. He was a gentleman, good job etc etc. Treated me like his best friend. We supported each other, we laughed like nothing before. It was just amazing. My family loved him and his did me.
He had a little boy and I have a little girl from previous marriages and they got on so well.
He began to stay over at mine more and more and before you knew it we were practically living together.
I saw him every night almost the whole time we were together and we had his little boy every other weekend.
We holidayed together and started to build a life together.
We decided to buy a house and move in together and that I would sell mine and put the equity in the bank for my little girl one day.
We chose a new house and it was being built.
On New Year's Eve he asked me to marry him! It was the most amazing time of our lives.
The house was supposed to be finished in Feb but kept getting delayed so we were living out of boxes which wasn't ideal but ok.
Then in March we found out I was pregnant! We were over the moon. But that turned into disaster when it turned out to be ectopic just before our engagement party.
He was by my side through the operation and was so sad afterwards. He was distraught!
We were told that to be on the safe side we would need to have ivf to bypass the use of my tubes but probably wouldn't have much trouble conceiving as we just had by ourselves albeit in the wrong place.
We left it three months and then decided to go to a clinic in London to discuss the details. The nurse said yep, we could go for it but as I was 36 and he was 38 to not waste any time.
We had a holiday planned in August but she said it would be fine to still go if we did get pregnant before as we would be over 12 weeks.
So we went home, discussed it and we both agreed to give it a shot!
Next thing you know we are booked in and ready to go. The drugs came and I started injections.
Now anyone who has had IVF will tell you it's not easy. All the travelling on its own was hard. The hormones. The weight gain. The tiredness. It was draining but so worth it that I didn't make a big fuss because I didn't want it to be a big thing if we needed to go through it again.
He even did the first injection with me and held my hand.
There were a few bumps along the way and at points thought we might have to cancel due to complications but to cut a long story short we got pregnant!!! I did about 500 tests!!!
You have to carry on taking hormones after the positive test and on top of the begins of pregnancy (morning sickness/ extreme tiredness etc) but we carried on.
Then my Nan who was so close to me died which was awful.
And then I started a new job as I was full time and we decided that I didn't need to do that anymore.
We moved into our new house when I was 6 weeks pregnant And were busy organising it for the first week.
Then we had our first scan. Another trip to London, all very scary to see if baby was in the right place. And it was! Lovely heathy heartbeat! We were made up. He even stopped on the way home to buy it a little outfit!

We picked his little boy up on the way home. I was so tired after such a draining day and 7 hours in the car that i asked if he could feed the kids while I had a little lie down, to which he said yes.
I went to sleep for about 10 mins and was woken up by the kids playing!
I was a bit miffed he could have kept them quiet but went downstairs and sat at the breakfast bar while the kids ate their dinner and I was sewing a blind.
He said to me that his little boy had done well in his school report to which i said "oh well done" and then thought oh crap where is my little girls report?!! And proceeded to ask her.
That was it.
He sent the kids across the road to the park and he said "I don't wanna make this into a big thing but why were you like that about the report?"
I was fed up anyway and said "what?!! What about it!?" And we blew up and has an argument about how I should've been more enthusiastic.
I just needed to get out of that house and that situation so I said I was going to go back to mine to continue to sort it out.
I was so upset that I decided to stay there and talk about it in the morning.
Well in the morning he was furious that I'd gone and taken My daughter. There was no talking to him.
He didn't have the best childhood in the world but certainly not the worst but he said that it triggered a memory of something that happened to him when he was a boy and he won't have his son feeling like that!!!
We spoke about it and sorted it that night. Had a nice evening together and took the kids out.
Then the next morning he said "I'm sorry but I still feel like I can't do this."
As you can imagine it went from bad to worse.
He spoke to his sister who obviously said he can't have that and then decided to block me on fb and told him to tell me and my daughter to leave. Which he did.
I had my first midwife appt that following day and by the time I came back to the house he had packed boxes.
He said some horrible things like:
He had doubts the week before he asked me to marry him
He wasn't in love with me
How could I treat his kid like that?
Very hurtful things

He then got a van and dumped all mine and my daughters things back at my sold (but not completed just yet) house.

So basically, I'm pregnant
I soon have no home or anywhere to live
I have a temp/ part time job
No money
And I little girl who has no idea what's happened.

So that was 4 weeks ago.
Since then not much has happened. He has sent the wedding venue an email to cancel it even though it was only booked a matter of weeks ago.
Most of my messages get ignored.
Until I sent a nice one to which he replied "he was broken"

This guy was all about family: he treated my little girl like his own. Me like a queen. There wasn't a day went by that he didn't tell me how lucky he felt and how much he loved us.
How can you go from all that to nothing over night? To creating a life to walk away from it.

All over this.!

I am obviously heartbroken. Lost. I feel like I've had my whole life ripped apart and now I have nothing.
I miss him so much but I know I shouldn't.

Any ideas?

Xxx

Giving another perspective I'm not saying this could be the reason though.

You said the trigger was the report, could it be he thinks you treat your son differently? Obviously you are pregnant with yours and his child, and then you have your daughter. You didn't seem that enthused about his sons report gave a short answer and immediately asked about your daughters.

Is he getting worried that when the second child comes along his will be pushed out?

I'm so very sorry for you op. Any man who can do this to the mother of his child is a complete and utter shit. That's a fact that you must accept and once you have done that you will be able to make plans for your family's future. Please ask for help from family and friends you can trust. This creep needs to be made to understand that it takes 2 to create a child and he must financially support his child for the next 18 years regardless of what he feels! And you must always remember what he has done to you, this is absolutely not how a gentleman behaves ( is there really such a thing?) . Find your strength op and know you can do this

@KungFuPandaWorks that's the card he's spinning. But it's not at all how it was/is
I think he might have some childhood issues of his own and that triggered them.
And I've been clinging on to that it all was ok and he just needs to seek help to fix this but having heard other opinions I shouldn't be treated like this.
His unborn child is equally as important and his son and so should my daughter be that he promised to love and care for and that he told he loved every day.

@toocool4cats thank you ☺️

Please forget about the report. It’s a red herring, if it wasn’t that it would be something else. No decent man would throw his pregnant ex out, even if he didn’t want to be with you this is an appalling thing to do. He is not a decent man. Please step back and realise what an absolute shit he is. Then get practical, see a solicitor, a mortgage advisor etc. Think about what is best for your girls and you - try and be as cold hearted towards him from now on as he has been to you. He’s treated you as if you were nothing - show him the same consideration.

He sounds like he's changed his mind about marrying you and is behaving like a total twat. His family will not support you over him so Iit'll be best to withdraw from them all. Don't contact him at all and I definitely would not put him on the birth certificate. There might be another woman who he's spinning a sad tale to which could be why he's blocking you. The report is a red herring as another poster said. He just wants to use an excuse as to why he's treated you so badly. Expect to be painted as the bad guy from now on.

Sorry to read of your situation, from reading the thread I think you have had a lucky escape regards this selfish man. So many red flags.

If staying in your current home is not an option - money wise that sounds like the case, moving temporarily into nans house till you have to move to the property you are hoping to purchase/find another property if this one falls through is a good short term situation. You also need to consider your bump will be expanding is moving what you want to do whilst heavily pregnant.

Regards the babies surname - keep that as your married name/your dd surnames can be changed at a later date - both my kids 27 & 23 have changed there names since my divorce. This is a minor detail in this situation.

As hard & raw as it is, move on with your life - this new chapter will turn out right. Let him & his family block you - they are all of the small minded breed.

You sound like a strong woman, Any situations you have post on here for good advice.

Good luck

He sounds deranged and he's abandoning you like he abandoned his first wife. Couples often have to sacrifice where they live and if he works so much and has a long commute then it makes sense for the house to be where his ex is more comfortable. And the clothes thing sounds like another lame excuse that he picked to finish with her.

I'm not a psychologist but it sounds like he has some mental health issues. He wants a certain life, gets it all lined up and then gets overwhelmed and destroys it for no reason.

See what you'd be entitled to. I have a mortgage where they take my benefit payments into account. Also see what hed have to pay you.

I think you need to put your practical head on, and put him aside for now. He not going to be the man you want or need in your life.

So firstly make sure your solicitor dealing with your house sale know not to pass any money from the sale onto the people dealing with the house he is buying. That nothing to do with you now. It's all his problem to sort out.

Secondly yes move to your Nan's house for the moment so you have a time to sort yourself out and not rushing into now. It not the time for that.

Speak to your family and friends get support from them.

What an awful situation, he is a complete bastard.
Regardless of any issues he has from his past/childhood, that is no excuse to treat you that way.
And pregnant with his child too!

But after reading your replies it seems you have a good plan for your housing situation.

As for the relationship between him and the new baby... he has already given you an idea of how that will
Go by not replying to messages/ not asking about the scan.
He will No doubt try to ignore you throughout the pregnancy then try to manipulate contact days when the baby is born so it suits him.

Keeping his name off the birth certificate will mean he has no parental Responsibility towards the child. It could be in your favour for the future if things get tricky with him.
But men see their surname as a kind
Of stamp, his surname means his baby. In a fucked up world, a man sees their baby has a name that’s not theirs and starts to doubt paternity.

What were your plans on your name changes if you married him?
You could give the new baby a double-barrelled surname?

Forget about the report. If it wasn't that then it would have been something else.

Don't put him on the bc and give the baby whatever name you want.

Don't try to make him be involved in your pregnancy and he has no right to be at the birth, which is your medical procedure.

Make sure he steps up both financially and in parenting his child once she's here.

Just get practical, not emotional for the next few weeks. Trying to figure out what's gone on in his head is a mugs game. Good luck.

shouldn’t have posted yet....

Abandoned his ex too?!
This seems a pattern, he ends things when the other person has already fallen pregnant. Even though he had feelings before that he didn’t want to continue the relationship.

Seems to me that he craves the commitment but doesn’t want to give the same back.
It does seem possible that he’s worried how His son would fit into the new blended family, but again he’s thinking about things way too late. They are the kinds of things you weigh up before trying for a baby.

Abandoned is an interesting term isn’t it. He didn’t just end the relationship in a sensible way. Just as with you, packing all your belongings into a van and blocking you. That’s so harsh.

And abandoning you when you are pregnant with his child and he knows you will have no Home.

Yeah - I can't tell you how much perspective you ladies have given me. I was riddled with guilt and now I do feel much better that it wasn't all me.
Ivf was hard I'm not going to lie and it was something that we both signed up for and to think it was this summer we did it and now this.
But you're right, I need to look after me now.
Thank you for easing my pain.

This honestly feels like the worst thing. I'm scared.
Pregnant on my own. Worried how I will cope and not the perfect image I thought it would be - but then things rarely are!

Have you spoken about the baby and the plans for the future for him to be involved?

You don't have to continue the pregnancy you both signed up for the baby but he's welshed on his side of it and you can pull out of the house sale.

You do have choices to get rid of him completely.

I agree you need to put your practical head on, squash the emotion and stop beating yourself up over they report. If it wasn't that it'll have been something else. It was a flimsy excuse.

He's a cunt, you're going to have to be in touch with him for a massive chunk of your life. Why?

@gamerchick I'm not sure what you mean about getting rid of him completely?

@onedayonedaymaybe he says at the moment that he wants to be there for the baby.
How this will work I don't know!

I mean if there was no baby then you'd need not to clap eyes on him ever again.

I think gamerchick means that if you terminated the pregnancy you wouldn’t have to be in contact with him ever again. It doesn’t sound as if the thought of terminating has even crossed your mind though, so on that basis I assume you would prefer to continue and go it alone.

When you have sorted out your living situation I think it would be helpful to educate yourself about healthy v unhealthy relationships as there were definitely some red flags that you missed unfortunately, not your fault but it would be wise to arm yourself with some knowledge before embarking on a new relationship.

He wants to be there for the baby? But only once she is Born?

Not a care that his unborn baby’s health is affected by yours, as yours is affected by stress, stress that he has caused by leaving you homeless? Without a full time wage to live on?

@Wetwashing00 yep. Seems to be the way he's playing this one. Like his baby isn't here yet so he has no responsibility

@gamerchick this is not an option. I've very lucky to be pregnant and have been through some very tough times to get here