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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP says he doesn't know me

224 replies

BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 11:14

Hi all. Sorry if this is long.
I've been with dp for 18 months and am 13 weeks pregnant. I have a 13 year old conceived when I was 18. I'm so embarrassed to admit but I don't know who his dad is. A good friend of mine stepped in and told Ds he's his dad. As far as my Dp was concerned this is true.
After our 12 week scan I told DP that I want to be honest with him about everything so I told him I'm not sure who DS dad is. He was shocked but we spoke about it and he seemed ok.
However last night he was quiet so I asked him what was wrong and he said to me he feels like he doesn't know me and how could I not tell him something so important. I kind of mumbled that I was tired and we went to bed. He left this morning with no goodbye Sad

OP posts:
AjasLipstick · 28/07/2018 11:24

I think that I would also be shocked/horrified at such a big lie OP.

It indicates quite a terrible lack of foresight but given that you were only 18 is sort of understandable.

I think that in telling your partner about this, you've made it rather more important that you tell your child about it too. It's a massive lie...one which could have ramifications in terms of medical issues....what if the man you said is your child's father has some health issue that's passed on?? A genetic issue or something?

Gazelda · 28/07/2018 11:28

It's quite a revelation to deal with. It's only been a week. Give him time, then maybe say to him that his reaction has made you realise that your DC should know, and ask him to help you work out how to do this.
I don't think you can ask him to keep the lie covered up, so it's time to come clean all round.

AlwaysSleepy1 · 28/07/2018 11:28

it's not actually any of your current partners business - he is your child and sibling to yours and dp child but the biological father makes no difference. he may feel embarrassed that he's been 'fooled' but I think that's narrow minded - I also don't see how he could judge you for your choices at 17/18?!

I always worry about these situations in case people from the past tell your child accidentally that the man he thinks is his dad is not biologically (I know of someone who this happens to) but only you can decide whether to tell your son. The person I am referring to found out in his 30s and was devastated- not with his father but everyone else for not telling him/letting him feel like every one was gossiping. slight aside I know! he has no interest in finding bio parent just wanted to know the truth..

back to your question.. you haven't known dp that long and maybe it's just a shock to him that he realises there's stuff about each other you don't know and have a baby on the way? either way it's none of his business in my view especially if your son is in the dark about it. xx

Malmsey · 28/07/2018 11:30

I’d be shocked too. You’re lying to your teenager about something absolutely fundamental to his identity, and expecting your partner to collude in this lie. Does the friend who is pretending to be his father treat him like a father? I’d be wondering who I was having a baby with, if this kind of deceit is something you’ve kept up for years.

AgentJohnson · 28/07/2018 11:41

What irks me about your lie even more, is that this lie impacts your child too but you’re too self absorbed to realise that.

Op, you have some growing up to do and rather than face the consequence of your lie, you made excuses and avoided it. You avoidance is doing a really good job of suggesting that you don’t respect your partner enough to be honest and are too self absorbed to really care.

You need to understand what motivated you to lie and really think about the impact that this lie has on others.

Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 11:45

My friend lives and works abroad but does play a fatherly role towards my Ds. I know I've lied but at the time i felt it was the best thing to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 11:46

It's a bit rich to call me self absorbed when you have no knowledge of me or my life

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 28/07/2018 11:47

Bloody hell you're getting some harsh responses!

I'm not sure you should have told your DP but now you have I think you need to talk to you're friend about coming clean with your DS. I can totally see why you agreed to the support of your friend at the time, however misguided it was as a long term solution.

Malmsey · 28/07/2018 11:48

And what are you going to do to rectify the situation? Do you have some idea who your son’s father might be, in case he wants to try and find him? How on earth does your friend think it’s a good idea to lie to a 13 year old about being his dad? I imagine your partner’s shock is potentially very little to do with with a somewhat untidy sex life when you were a teenager, and everything to do with a fundamental betrayal of a vulnerable child.

Taylor22 · 28/07/2018 11:48

To be honest I'd be shocked by this lie as well.
If you can lie to not only him but your son about something so massive for so many years then what else is a lie?

You need to come clean to your son asap. To many people know now.

Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 11:51

I haven't decided what to do yet. DP said he wouldn't tell anyone or my ds. There would be no way if finding his real dad even if we tried

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twiglet · 28/07/2018 11:55

I can understand that you were young a bit naive and it seemed like a good solution at the time but it is also best to come clean with your son.
It's a also a shock to your DP but you probably need to sit and explain it properly to him.
I'm assuming that you made the choice at the time because you were embarrassed and didn't want people judging you even further then just being a young mum. Which over the years got harder and harder to explain and by the way your post started it's still something that you feel ashamed about and feel that you will be judged/people will form an opinion.

There are so many people in the world in the same situation and the family unit has changed so much don't be embarrassed about it but you need to be truthful with everyone for your own sanity as well as I'm assuming it's been a horrible feeling having to hide things.

Explain why to your DP and that you are the same person but you need to be honest. Yes it will be rocky for a while but better now then even further down the line

Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 12:14

Dp texted me to say he loves me and well talk tonight so I'm hopeful.

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Branleuse · 28/07/2018 12:15

i cant believe that people are judging you. Is it really that bad to not remember all the people you had sex with in your youth. I cant remember everybody I have had sex with, and it hasnt even been a massive amount. They just didnt mean anything to me. Only difference is I didnt get pregnant.

OP, give your dp a chance to process it, but please do not feel shame or let anyone else make you ashamed. You were only a teenager.

Thedutchwife · 28/07/2018 12:17

Big don’t be too hard on yourself. I can see how this has happened and tbh it was none of your dp buisness Flowers

Taylor22 · 28/07/2018 12:24

Bet the child who is in the middle of all this will think it's a pretty big deal.

swingofthings · 28/07/2018 12:24

The problem here, as it seems more and more common, is that you've decided to have a family so soon. It is totally normal to not know someone fully after going out with each other for 18 months. As a matter of fact, I would say you don't know someone truly until you go through difficult times.

Your DP is discovering a side to you that he didn't know and that from his perspective, is understandably a bit of a let down. He is now expecting a baby with you, so committed to your relationship and that must be frightening. He is probably now wondering if there are other side to you as a person that he doesn't know.

The good think is that he has told you that he loves you so it sounds that he wants to work things out and is focusing on the good things. This is very positive.

However, ultimately, you both made the choice to have a child together before knowing each other as well as one can and that will always be a risky decision.

Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 12:25

Thank you for the nice posts. I've done right by my child despite maybe not doing the best thing at the beginning. I don't think it helps I'm very hormonal and have very sore boobs at the moment Sad

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Malmsey · 28/07/2018 12:36

It’s got nothing at all to do with ‘not remembering who you had sex with in your youth’. The OP is actively going on with a huge lie now to a 13 year old, and is self-absorbed enough to be taken aback that her partner is shocked she’s lied about his parentage for his whole life.

Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 12:42

I'm not being self absorbed at all. I wanted to be honest with dp as I want a future with him.

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savingmysanity · 28/07/2018 12:52

I found out the person I thought was my dad wasn't my dad when I was 14 and it completely broke me. If you are going to tell your son please do this carefully.

Malmsey · 28/07/2018 12:59

There you go again, OP. This isn’t primarily to do with your DP, it’s to do with your son discovering that his mother has lied to him about who his father is for his entire life. Unless you plan to continue the lie indefinitely, with or without the collusion of your friend abroad and your DP. How far is the friend abroad prepared to go to cover up for you? What about when your son decides he wants to go and live with him, or asks him awkward questions about why he’s not more involved?

Cleaningthefours · 28/07/2018 12:59

But you don't feel you should be honest with your son after lying to him about the fundamental basis of who he is, for his whole life?

It's that you should be fretting about, not your new DP.

Cleaningthefours · 28/07/2018 13:03

Oh and my ex found out when he was 25 that his Mum had lied to him every day for his whole life and 'Dad' wasn't his biological Dad.

Fucked him up completely. And he has never forgiven his Mother.

Hideous, abusive thing to do to a child

Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 13:08

of course I'm worried about my son. I need to think about the situation carefully though.

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