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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP says he doesn't know me

224 replies

BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 11:14

Hi all. Sorry if this is long.
I've been with dp for 18 months and am 13 weeks pregnant. I have a 13 year old conceived when I was 18. I'm so embarrassed to admit but I don't know who his dad is. A good friend of mine stepped in and told Ds he's his dad. As far as my Dp was concerned this is true.
After our 12 week scan I told DP that I want to be honest with him about everything so I told him I'm not sure who DS dad is. He was shocked but we spoke about it and he seemed ok.
However last night he was quiet so I asked him what was wrong and he said to me he feels like he doesn't know me and how could I not tell him something so important. I kind of mumbled that I was tired and we went to bed. He left this morning with no goodbye Sad

OP posts:
ravenmum · 28/07/2018 16:13

Thedutchwife Better than your suggestions love {grin]

CosmicCanary · 28/07/2018 16:15

Reminds of a poster few years ago who had a friend abroad who was dad but not actually dad to her DS and she was urged by mn to tell her son the truth. That poster refused and said it did not matter...I wonder if she is still around and reading this thread...

AnyFucker · 28/07/2018 16:18

CC... uh huh

rainingcatsanddog · 28/07/2018 16:18

I think that most people assume that they know the person who they are having a baby with. While the circumstances of the conception isn't her partner's business, I'm assuming that she has lied to him about this subject and the lying must hurt. I'm not saying that OP should tell all and sundry about her son's paternity but when she decided to move in or ttc then she should have told her partner.

freetoagoodhome · 28/07/2018 16:18

@Thedutchwife

There’s never a good time to have you identity taken away. Should she wait til he’s unsettled? Why prolong it? Why sit and let him keep thinking this man is his dad, building more and more of whatever relationship it is that they have? Letting the kid share his life with more and more people, only for him to have to turn round in 3, 5, 10 years and tell them he had actually been lied to all that time?

As I said, if something happens to OP, this will be a whole new ball game

MistressDeeCee · 28/07/2018 16:25

You were only young, just 18 and made the best decision you felt you could at the time. I get that your partner is shocked (if you're close enough to want him as the father of your baby it might've been an idea to tell him before now) but I hope he gets over it as it's not the be all and end all of everything.

Essentially, what actual difference will it make to him personally who your child's father is?

How can we all know whether or not someone we love or loved, has told a pretty big lie in their life, way before we met them? You just never know.

I'd hope he doesn't see himself as moral judge and jury in this situation because that really should not be his role, even if he is shocked. You made a rash decision when you were 18, thats not last year is it?

If he can't forgive you well then, you'd simply have to let him go.

You need to tell your child now though, thats the main thing.

It's probably best to ignore the pitchfork saints on here, but do read posts from people who've been in the situation (shock) of finding out the person they thought was their dad, actually isn't. They're best placed to tell you how to proceed with this, and what the possible outcome may be

💐to anyone who's gone through this. When my aunt died my uncle threw their son out telling him "you're not mine". My cousin always thought that was his dad. He was never told differently. He was angry and aggressive and resentful as both boy and man. He never made it to old age. I think you should tell sooner rather than later OP. Good luck.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 28/07/2018 16:25

Crikey just found this.

Op I get a real sense you are stalling here.
Anything could happen in the next few months whilst you wait to chat to you " lovely friend". I can't believe that you feel it would " be unfair to him" and yet you chose to continue keep lying to your own child.

Seriously the truth is always easier to handle than finding out anout a lie. You are digging the hole bigger by the minute. Your son won't give a toss that you were scared at 18. That's your feelings and nothing to do with him. He will care very much that you have constructed a massive lie about his life.
He probably won't believe you don't know who it is. He probably won't br lived anything you say again. However you absolutely owe it to him to tell him the truth and let him deal with it.

Taylor22 · 28/07/2018 16:42

You keep trying to use the fact you conceived at 18 as an excuse.
You weren't 18 yesterday and you aren't 18 today.

You created the lie as an adult and you are choosing to continue the lie as an adult.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 28/07/2018 16:44

Actually you really want to think about timings here Op. If your son is 13 that means he's yr 8 or 9.
If he's year 9 then you need to tell him PDQ as it'll royally screw up his GCSE's ( speaks from experience).
Leave it till after GCSE's and you will have a hormanal teenager to contend with. You will have provided a perfect reason to escape to drink and drugs.
Leave it till he's 18 and his ENTIRE childhood will be a lie. You'll be lucky to get him back then especially with a new half sibling on the scene with its " proper" dad.
I'd get on with it if I was you.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2018 16:49

Op has fingers in ears going la la la

PersianCatLady · 28/07/2018 16:53

OP cares about everybody else except her son

Butterflycookie · 28/07/2018 16:56

You need to tell your son as soon as possible. Try to work out who the father is, because that’s the first thing he’ll want to know when he finds out Confused

Butterflycookie · 28/07/2018 16:57

.....and he will find out one day. The longer you leave it the worse it will be!

Monday55 · 28/07/2018 17:14

Op you might have done whay was best at the time and you keep saying its a choice of an 18yr old. But its also the choice of whatever age youre right now as everyday you're deciding to carry on with the lie.
.

When you son finds out he's not only going to hate you but everyone who has kept the secret from him. He's going to go through bereavement for the father he never really had. This is a pretty bad situation and you seem more worried about your DPs reaction than your son.

esk1mo · 28/07/2018 17:22

you seem to be posting alot for someone who doesn’t care AnyFucker

if you have nothing useful or helpful to add then exit the thread 👋🏻

Thedutchwife · 28/07/2018 17:26

@freetoagoodhome why would he be unsettled?

If op comes clean now he is old enough to want to know the whole truth and only telling him part of the story is not fair. It’s not fair to tell a 13 year old that actually he doesn’t have a father and his mother does not know who he is. How the hell is he supposed to process that ? It’s fucking huge. He needs to be concentrating and enjoying school not thinking about where or who his dad is, he will lose his identity and this isn’t his fault.

For some reason OP does not know who the dad is.

She may have been sexually assaulted
She may have had a one night stand
She may have had multiple partners who are uncontactable

Why should a 13 year old have to deal with that now? Kids do not respond well to catastrophic revelations

She is too far in to drop this shit on him now. And I don’t blame her for waiting till he is mature enough to process the situation and realise that two people still raised him regardless if he was his bio dad or not

swingofthings · 28/07/2018 17:27

If I were your OH, what would make me feel very uncomfortable is the fact that you waited to be pregnant and to have a scan -so knowing the baby is well- to tell him, almost when it really is too late for him to let you go.

You're not even living together yet. Was this all planned? You'll say it wasn't but if I were him, I wouldn't trust that you are being honest and would be highly suspicious that it was.

Thedutchwife · 28/07/2018 17:28

‘Proper dad’ velvet ? So only bio dads can be ‘proper dads’ Hmm

Thedutchwife · 28/07/2018 17:28

Yeah swing she trapped him Hmm

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 28/07/2018 17:30

Actually to be fair I know three people who found out their dads weren't their dads as adults. Two had pretty much guessed because they looked nothing like their siblings. They both had big solid familes though.The third didn't suspect a thing and took 6 months to get over it. I don't think he had a great relationship with his parents.

No offence but having a step dad and a baby half sibling is going to be a big change for your son. Finding out his dad isn't and his mum has made up the entire thing is going to be a disaster. You need to start afresh op. You are a new family now without secrets.

rainbowstardrops · 28/07/2018 17:38

Bloody hell, what a mess you have created!
It's one thing to get pregnant at 18 and not know who the father is (I'm sure that happens plenty) but to actively lie to your child and presumably your family too???

From what I gather, you've sought advice/posted on MN previously about this and refused to listen to the general consensus. Utter madness.

Telling a young child the truth would have been far less damaging I'd have thought than the enormous problem you face now.

I should think that your partner being a bit pissed off that you've lied to him for 18 months is going to be a walk in the park compared to the shitstorm that awaits you when your DS finds out. Because you know he will don't you?

Madness.

Cleaningthefours · 28/07/2018 17:38

You need to tell your son now. You've involved too many people in your lie.

There will never be a good time but the longer you leave it the worse it will be.

freetoagoodhome · 28/07/2018 17:44

@Thedutchwife I was referring to the fact you said not to tell him if he’s settled.

The age he’s at now, he might just handle it better than in the future. As PP pointed out, he is only going to experience more changes, more hormones, more upheaval as time goes on. Do you think she should wait until he’s 22, done with school, puberty, uni, and then his entire childhood has been a lie?

freetoagoodhome · 28/07/2018 17:45

And as I’ve said, what if something happens to OP? Who gets an even more shit job then?

Thedutchwife · 28/07/2018 17:48

free and he might not.

It’s easy for faceless strangers to advocate telling a 13 year old earth shattering news though isn’t it.

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