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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP says he doesn't know me

224 replies

BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 11:14

Hi all. Sorry if this is long.
I've been with dp for 18 months and am 13 weeks pregnant. I have a 13 year old conceived when I was 18. I'm so embarrassed to admit but I don't know who his dad is. A good friend of mine stepped in and told Ds he's his dad. As far as my Dp was concerned this is true.
After our 12 week scan I told DP that I want to be honest with him about everything so I told him I'm not sure who DS dad is. He was shocked but we spoke about it and he seemed ok.
However last night he was quiet so I asked him what was wrong and he said to me he feels like he doesn't know me and how could I not tell him something so important. I kind of mumbled that I was tired and we went to bed. He left this morning with no goodbye Sad

OP posts:
Thedutchwife · 28/07/2018 15:42

One if OP has a one night stand and he didn’t leave his number? What if she was sexually attacked? No one on here knows what’s happened and can’t really judge.

She was 18 at the time and made a decision with her friend (which obviously wasn’t taken lightly) to proceed this way. Her friend obviously felt she needed support. This is what they did

I’m sure she has never taken this issue lightly.

I wouldn’t tell my 13 year either id tell him when he was old enough to process the information and look at the reasons why Op did it. And tbh I probably wouldn’t of told her DP either. Or ever till I was ready to tell my son.

dirtybadger · 28/07/2018 15:44

That's interesting because I assumed the issue was with lying to DC for 13 years, not the promiscuity, etc. But you might be right, am sure OP will find out. It hadn't occurred to me that the not knowing was the issue in itself. Makes sense more people are paying attention to it if that was what theyd taken from it.
Can only speak from experience but there were at least a few instances where my recollection of events would not be have been reliable enough to hunt someone down a few months later aged 18 (or to figure out what order events over several weeks occurred). "Sam from part of city"...."dark hair? Lived in a flat with another person with dark hair" Etc.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2018 15:44

Going off your behaviour, you are not thinking about what is best for your son

Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 15:49

What would you know any fucker

OP posts:
Suebnm · 28/07/2018 15:52

You say your current boyfriend is coming over to discuss this. Do you not live with the man you say is the father of your current pregnancy ?

If you also don't live with this current boyfriend you need to tell your son as soon as possible for your son's sake.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2018 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thedutchwife · 28/07/2018 15:54

It’s not ideal but I can really see why op has done this.

How would she tell a small child when he asked where his dad was or who is dad is when? What would she say ? ‘No idea son’.

When people asked who the babies dad is what would she say? ‘Not a clue’

She was was 18 at the time, not old enough to know herself and I can completely understand the reasoning behind what she did.

I’d rather any of my kids to spend a life time growing up thinking they had a dad that was in contact then to feel fatherless and my mother had no idea who he is. How damaging would that have been to young boy self identity. At least if she waits till he is older he can explore his feelings and understand the situation.

And - we do not know the circumstances how she got pregnant. I’m sure I’m sure if a young boy knew the circumstances it could be very unpleasant for him to deal with

freetoagoodhome · 28/07/2018 15:55

If the DP is more concerned about the OPs sex life as an 18yo 13 years ago, rather than the fact she has been lying to her son his whole life, I’d say the DP is a bit of a tosser.

Hopefully when he says he feels he doesn’t know her, he is referring to the fact he didn’t know she was capable of such a lie. Surely, the sex life any of us had at 18 isn’t what we should base our adult relationships on? But the lies we choose to live today? Fair enough.

Thedutchwife · 28/07/2018 15:56

Have a fucking day off Anyfucker

I’m sure op doesn’t give a shit about some random internet poster either.

daisychain01 · 28/07/2018 15:56

OP do you have any timescales in mind when you could have a conversation with your DS?

Are you putting it off because you don't have the words or dread his reaction? If so it is very understandable that you could feel like that.

When could you talk with your friend? If they have been a trusted and stable influence for all these years, and they know the truth, could they be a sounding-board to talk through how you can broach the subject with your DS.

Sometimes you just have to muster up all the strength and go for it.

IAintEvenBovveredThough · 28/07/2018 15:57

Well @Thedutchwife how damaging is it going to be to her son when he finds out he's been lied to all these years and thinks some random is his dad. Better to be told the truth and deal with that than the fallout from an out and out lie!

ravenmum · 28/07/2018 15:58

I'll admit that it didn't occur to me that promiscuity could be the issue, either, in this day and age - but I guess if someone was religious it could be a problem. Still, OP also said I think my dp is shocked that he's only just found out so it does sound like the issue is with the lying (which would be what I'd have problems with, too).

OP, you said you're going to talk to your dp tonight; see if he has any suggestions on how you could gently get this across to your son. Some people have said you should wait until he is more mature - but the problem is that the longer you deceive him, the angrier he could be. He might also start wondering why his dad isn't more fatherly towards him, and quite merrily moved abroad, leaving him behind.

Personally I'd go with "Son, when I was 18 I thought I needed to lie to you, to protect you, but now I realise I was wrong and I feel terrible that I didn't tell you this before..."

Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 15:58

We are in the process of moving in together. Dp is shocked I can't blame him really but i don't think he's going to judge me for behaviour when I was 18. I think he'll understand when we talk why I did it.

OP posts:
Ihatemycar · 28/07/2018 15:59

I had to make a confession to my then fiancé of 2 years about a baby I gave up for adoption I was 13 at the time. It was agony but I had to tell him.
It is really hard to come clean specially when your son doesn't know.
Maybe when you are ready talk to your son too.
I think this it's hard for you because you have no answers to give. It makes it sound worse because you had a child but most of us have had casual relationships but nobody knows.
It is part of your history and when we are young we make mistakes.
At least you have your son. Smile
Your dp will be ok. Just tell him you were afraid he may not understand how difficult it's for you to talk about it.

Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 16:02

I will speak to my friend when he's back in the country. I'm not broaching the subject without him as he has acted as a dad for 13 years. it would be unfair for me not to involve him

OP posts:
Thedutchwife · 28/07/2018 16:02

I have assumed that the Op's Partner is taken aback, that the Op was having unprotected sex with so many men, that she had no way of narrowing down who may have fathered her child. I think most guys would find that a hard pill to swallow

Horrible

Gottokondo · 28/07/2018 16:03

I understand your DP. I'd be pretty disappointed if my DH would lie to me about such a significant thing. I would feel concerned why he feels that he needs to lie to me. I wouldn't have a problem with my partners previous busy sex life.

freetoagoodhome · 28/07/2018 16:05

What has you friend done to act like a dad?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 28/07/2018 16:05

You need to be honest with your son and probably arrange some counselling for him too. I've no idea who my father is and I've never been the slightest bit interested, but being lied to like that by your mother and this friend (and potentially your partner) would be devastating.

ravenmum · 28/07/2018 16:06

How would she tell a small child when he asked where his dad was or who is dad is
"Sorry, sweetheart, I'm afraid I can't tell you that right now. It's very complicated. When you are a big boy I will tell you all about it. Not everyone lives with their mummy and daddy, do they? Remember Aarav, who just lives with his daddy? And Jack, who's got two mummies? Your daddy lives somewhere else, too."

When people asked who the babies dad is what would she say?
"Sorry, I don't want to talk about that. It's none of your business/complicated/upsetting."

Thedutchwife · 28/07/2018 16:06

Iaint he isn’t some random though is he? Hmm why are you using language that derogatory towards the situation?

From experience in my family young teenage children do not take well to explosive secrets. If the lad is settled leave him be. A young lad does not need his identity taken away from him at this point in his life

Thedutchwife · 28/07/2018 16:07

Ffs raven is that how they do it on the Disney channel Hmm

PersianCatLady · 28/07/2018 16:10

I cannot believe that you are more worried about yourself, your DP and your friend than your son.

ravenmum · 28/07/2018 16:13

Dp is shocked I can't blame him really but i don't think he's going to judge me for behaviour when I was 18
That's good to hear. Maybe it will help if you explain that because your choices back then were so hard, you still have problems dealing with it today, and that's why you couldn't open up. And do use this opportunity for change, to get help.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 28/07/2018 16:13

thedutchwife that's how caring and responsible adults do it in real life. I have been that child.