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Original poster

DP says he doesn't know me

224 replies

BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 11:14

Hi all. Sorry if this is long.
I've been with dp for 18 months and am 13 weeks pregnant. I have a 13 year old conceived when I was 18. I'm so embarrassed to admit but I don't know who his dad is. A good friend of mine stepped in and told Ds he's his dad. As far as my Dp was concerned this is true.
After our 12 week scan I told DP that I want to be honest with him about everything so I told him I'm not sure who DS dad is. He was shocked but we spoke about it and he seemed ok.
However last night he was quiet so I asked him what was wrong and he said to me he feels like he doesn't know me and how could I not tell him something so important. I kind of mumbled that I was tired and we went to bed. He left this morning with no goodbye Sad

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 28/07/2018 14:08

A secret is only a secret until you tell someone. Now there's another person who knows. What if your partner confides in a friend? And what if your friend has to tell a partner or a parent (are his aware of this?). And then there's HCPs who need to know histories. And then and then.

We just had one a bit like this in a branch of our family. People aren't speaking, it's caused so much pain and hurt.

It's not about not knowing at 18. It's about lying about fundamental truths in your sons life for years that's the issue.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2018 14:09

If your son finds out from someone else (increasingly likely) your relationship with him would never recover

Why are you taking that risk ? You were 18 then. This is now.

Cleaningthefours · 28/07/2018 14:09

It doesn't matter how old you were. You're still lying at 31/32.

happytobemrsg · 28/07/2018 14:11

OP you keep missing the point. Forget DP's reaction for now - you need to focus on telling your DS the truth. That's all that matters. While it can be understandable to tell the lie in the first place (you were young, desperate, scared), you need to come clean now

IAintEvenBovveredThough · 28/07/2018 14:39

It's not about your DP whatsoever, it's about your DS. You're were 18 when you came up with the lie, you're now in your 30's and need to find a way to fix things before you damage your relationship with your son beyond repair. I agree with PP about a child psychologist being involved and helping you all process and deal with things together. You have no idea how your son will react to such a massive lie.

Huskylover1 · 28/07/2018 14:41

See, I've never really understood this.

You have about a 3 day fertile window. Sperm can live a few days, so there's say a 5 day window when you would have conceived. How do you now know who you have slept with, in such a small window?

Even if you were sleeping with a different man every night (which would be highly unlikely), that's 5 men to get DNA tested. All before your baby was a month old.

In reality, I suspect you slept with 2 men, in that fertile window.

So easy to find out which one is the Dad. Why didn't you do this?

ravenmum · 28/07/2018 14:50

OP says she only found out she was pregnant quite late, and presumably had no clue when her fertile window would have been - and let's be honest, a modern woman could easily have a drunken ONS and not actually remember the bloke's name... not a great idea in terms of sexual health but being realistic, it isn't unimaginable not to know the dad, is it?

In any case, that bit is evidently not something the OP can change. And knowing exactly who it is comes well behind the problem of ds beng deceived and extremely likely to find it out pretty soon. School trip abroad, passport required ... I first needed a copy of my birth certificate when I ws 14.

freetoagoodhome · 28/07/2018 14:54

If you drop dead tomorrow, that’s some mess for others to clear up and so many questions for your son. And yes, I’m speaking from experience. You need to tell him ASAP.

Huskylover1 · 28/07/2018 14:55

Is it really that bad to not remember all the people you had sex with in your youth

What the fuck? You only need to remember the men that you slept with, a few weeks ago, in a tiny fertile window!

Even if you slept with FIFTY men, the year before you fell pregnant, that would have NO RELEVANCE, would it?

Do women really not understand, how their own reproductive systems work?

It's making me think of that Maury episode, when a woman had her current boyfriend tested for paternity, even though she hadn't met him at the time of conception For Fucks Sake, as Billy Connolly once said "It's time to trim the herd"

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/07/2018 14:57

Husky there are loads of ways possible. ONS with some bloke from a club, shagged someone on holiday, sexual assault, orgy FFS. I'm not sure it matters if she doesn't know.

Huskylover1 · 28/07/2018 15:01

OP says she only found out she was pregnant quite late, and presumably had no clue when her fertile window would have been - and let's be honest, a modern woman could easily have a drunken ONS and not actually remember the bloke's name..

Nah, I'm not buying that. She could work out from her due date, what month she fell pregnant in, and from there, what 3 day window she was ovulating. She could have looked back at the diary, to see what she was doing at that time (what nights out she'd had). Chances are she only slept with one guy in that 3 day window. Very likely she spent a few hours in a bar/club, getting chatted up, before going back to his/hers for sex. Not many women just fuck a stranger in an alleyway, with no exchange of pleasantries beforehand. She'd know his name, his home town, everyone has facebook. He could have been traced, imho.

ravenmum · 28/07/2018 15:07

Well, I guess you must know OP better than I do, then, Huskylover1, as I have no clue about whether she keeps a diary or knew about fertility windows at 18!

Just speaking for myself, I certainly didn't. Good thing I was too ugly to get laid back then :)

AnyFucker · 28/07/2018 15:12

The real father is irrelevant now

Keeping this humungous lie going is the issue

Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 15:14

I'm not discussing how ds was conceived . Dp is coming over tonight to talk about things

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 28/07/2018 15:15

I'm not discussing how ds was conceived .

Nor should you have to.

Galaxyfarfaraway · 28/07/2018 15:17

You are more worried about your DP rather than your son. You are not a nice person.
Your son will find out and you will screw him up. Tell him before he finds out some other way.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2018 15:20

We are all wasting our time

Just like the last time op posted about her utter fuck up

Huskylover1 · 28/07/2018 15:23

Who cares what DP thinks?

Your son is what is important here, and you need to think about tracing his real Dad. If you remember his name, facebook search.

Your friend has played along so far. What if your son has 5 kids, and wonders why Grandad isn't keen on sending birthday and Christmas presents for all of them? This secret will not stand forever. So try to get a step ahead now, rather than having to fire fight later on.

Huskylover1 · 28/07/2018 15:25

And, whilst I do appreciate, that looking back now, you won't recall who you slept with 13 years ago, I don't believe that at the time, you didn't think "Ah, it has to be Harry or Jake". And those names will be ingrained on your brain. Unless you really did go to an orgy....and how many of us really have done that?

Galaxyfarfaraway · 28/07/2018 15:26

The person at the back of your mind is the life you brought into the world. More worried about your DP and your friend rather than your son.He should be your priority. Right at the forefront.
Instead you are bringing another life into to the world. You should be sorting out the fuck up you made. I really do despair sometimes.

dirtybadger · 28/07/2018 15:31

Not everyone has the good fortune of choosing every sexual "partner" they have in life.

Not wanting to assume any circumstances in OPs circumstances at that time but at least consider the above possibility and show some some sensitivity....
Circumstanced of conceptipn are irrelevant

Good luck with the chat, 2 issues have already been gone over repeatedly

  1. Sustained deception of DC. You need to find a way to resolve the issue
  1. Recruiting DP as part of that deception
Very unfair on DC and DP.

At least the latter forces your hand with regard to the former.

freetoagoodhome · 28/07/2018 15:31

Is there any possibility of finding his real dad? Do you even know a name?

This should have been dealt with before the new baby was conceived. You absolutely can’t keep this from him much longer, but to tell him now, when this new baby is coming to two parents, a complete family, and he finds out he has actually only ever had one parent, doesn’t know the other part of him... well that could cause quite a fracture in your new set up.

But... I think I’d tell him, gives him six months to get his head round it before the baby comes.

PurpleFlower1983 · 28/07/2018 15:34

I think you should use this as an opportunity to tell your son, he is old enough to understand now. Your DP will have been shocked but it looks like you will be able to move forward.

Flowers
Huskylover1 · 28/07/2018 15:36

Not everyone has the good fortune of choosing every sexual "partner" they have in life

I presume you are alluding here, that the Op may have been attacked?

This would be one mahoosive drip feed. And if this was the case, and her DP was being funny about it, that'd make him one big twat. Wouldn't it?

I have assumed that the Op's Partner is taken aback, that the Op was having unprotected sex with so many men, that she had no way of narrowing down who may have fathered her child. I think most guys would find that a hard pill to swallow.

Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 15:41

So my son isn't my priority? I went back to university to get my degree when he was a baby, I've worked my way up to a good job, bought a house and sent my son to a good school. He hasn't had a carousel of men through his life and has a stable background. So my son isn't my priority?

OP posts:
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