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Original poster

DP says he doesn't know me

224 replies

BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 11:14

Hi all. Sorry if this is long.
I've been with dp for 18 months and am 13 weeks pregnant. I have a 13 year old conceived when I was 18. I'm so embarrassed to admit but I don't know who his dad is. A good friend of mine stepped in and told Ds he's his dad. As far as my Dp was concerned this is true.
After our 12 week scan I told DP that I want to be honest with him about everything so I told him I'm not sure who DS dad is. He was shocked but we spoke about it and he seemed ok.
However last night he was quiet so I asked him what was wrong and he said to me he feels like he doesn't know me and how could I not tell him something so important. I kind of mumbled that I was tired and we went to bed. He left this morning with no goodbye Sad

OP posts:
freetoagoodhome · 30/07/2018 11:32

@IAintEvenBovveredThough To be fair, she was only looking for advice about how to deal with her partners reaction. Which only leads me to think she probably has no intention of telling her son any time soon, if ever.

Cricrichan · 30/07/2018 11:53

Hi Ok.

My eldest's father has played no role in his life since he was a toddler and hasn't seen him in 10 years. He considers my ex to be his dad and for a while I wasn't sure he remembered that he wasn't his biological father. One day when he was about 12 and after watching long lost families I broached the subject with him and it turns out that he knew all along and had even been in contact with him through social media. I was very open and honest with him. Every now and then we talk about it.

I would sit him down and tell him. Apologise for lying to him and explain that at the time you did what you thought was right but now realise that you should have told him the truth. Tell him that although you don't know his father, you will be eternally grateful to him as he gave you the most precious gift.

ravenmum · 30/07/2018 12:38

*Please don't ever say this. Don;t even think it.

People have said it to DS and it's excruciating to see him try to work out whether to offend me and say he isn't lucky to have me.*
I think you should talk to those people, then, instead of confusing them with me. I'm not saying anything to this little girl, I'm talking about her anonymously on a forum where you can discuss difficult matters. And I'm not saying that she is lucky to be adopted; I'm saying that she is lucky her parents are not planning to lie to her about her adoption. You may disagree with me, but please don't do so by telling me what I should think. I'm allergic to that.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 30/07/2018 12:47

Biology doesn’t have to be that important. I’m not a blood relative of my parents or family, and my husband is not actually the father of our daughter. None of that matters because we all love each other and we all fulfil our responsibilities to each other. Your son has had the opportunity to grow up with a father which is better than not growing up with one. And frankly, it’s none of your Dp’s business!

freetoagoodhome · 30/07/2018 13:01

Well she chose to make it his business, before she made it her sons. Therefore forcing him to have an opinion and making him complicit in the whole lie that is her sons life.

HesterMacaulay · 30/07/2018 13:03

Biology is not the issue. Lying is the issue.

SandyY2K · 30/07/2018 13:23

This lie stemmed from the shame of having no idea who the father of your child is.

I can understand how embarrassing that must be... but did you not have responsible adults in your life to tell you any different?

Anyway ... it's understandable your DP feels the way he does. It goes further than just him too.

What a mess.

It's all well and good people advocating a casual attitude to sex...but it creates lives and messes them up.

I know I wouldn't want to tell my child I'd lied about his dad and didnt know who his dad was....because if be afraid of how my son would view me after that.

So while telling your son is the right thing... I totally u understand how difficult that would be.

SandyY2K · 30/07/2018 13:25

To be fair, she was only looking for advice about how to deal with her partners reaction. Which only leads me to think she probably has no intention of telling her son any time soon, if ever.

100% this.

This is one that would be taken to the grave.

Deedee0208 · 30/07/2018 14:41

I would actually leave things as they are, you did what was right for you and your son and at least he has a father figure in his life, knowing you can't give him the answers his going to want I would leave well alone, best of luck to you both xx

category12 · 30/07/2018 15:25

And should it come out through medical need or someone blabbing or the son's curiosity when older, what then, Deedee? Hmm Never mind, eh..

Lizzie48 · 30/07/2018 15:27

I'm an adoptive mum. DH and I have always been honest with our 2 DDs (birth siblings, now 9 and 6) about their history. When they were small, we spoke about their 'tummy mummy' and read their life story books with them (provided by their respective social workers).

We recently read one of two 'later life' letters to DD1, who was asking a lot of questions about her life. She responded well to that and it seems to have relieved her anxiety. She refers to her birth mum by her first name and knows that she wasn't able to look after her.

We took DD2 to meet the couple who fostered her for the first year of her life, and that meant a lot to her. She loved seeing the bedroom where she'd slept while she was with them.

Children need honesty from those who are bringing them up so that they know that they can trust them. They can cope better than you think. Obviously you shouldn't tell them all the gory details, but whatever answers you give, they need to be true. There's no such thing as 'white lies' in this context, even if the intentions are good.

As to whether you should tell your DS the truth, OP, I understand why it would be difficult, as he's at a tricky age. But the damage would be far greater if he heard it from someone else, so I think yes, you should tell him.

This isn't about the DP, it's not his business. But it's very much your DS's business, OP, and he needs to know the truth.

saoirse31 · 30/07/2018 17:06

Tbh I can understand doing that at 18, and then once done, its hard to tell everyone the truth. I think you have to tell ds tho, and would do it now, before baby arrives. If you and dp argue, your ds and partner argue, your son picks up your phone and sees thread etc....the secret will be out. In the worst possible way.

You sound as if you've good relationship with Ds , explain what happened, explain done with best intentions but as time went on, you realised it was wrong. Explain you're telling him now as he's at an age where he may understand why you made decision, and stuck with it. Explain , having discussed with ur friend, if and how ur friend is still part of his life. Explain you'll understand his anger, upset etc.. Good luck

butterballs9 · 30/07/2018 17:23

Could you not find out who the father is? I would desperately want to know even if he didn't want to play any role in my child's life.

I agree that you should tell your 13 year old now. Has he seen Mamma Mia? You could watch it together and use it as a prelude to discussing this very difficult issue. The lie was told in good faith. Could you tell the truth and make your friend the godfather so he can still play an important role in your son's life?

Sorry I don't want to be flippant but the main character in Mamma Mia is portrayed as not knowing who the father of her child is, and she is not cast as some kind of wicked witch. Just a young woman exploring what life had to offer.

butterballs9 · 30/07/2018 17:55

I can understand that you want to avoid stress during your pregnancy so might consider telling your son after the birth. I think the letter idea is quite a good one. If your friend explained why the decision was made and that it was made in good faith.

Could your current partner become your son's legal father - ie: adopt him? That would be a lovely way to create a family? Your friend then becomes the godfather?

butterballs9 · 30/07/2018 17:55

Or have I watched Mamma Mia too many times? :)

butterballs9 · 30/07/2018 17:57

I like happy endings!

SandyY2K · 30/07/2018 20:22

Could you not find out who the father is?

I'm sure she would if she could.

When the scenario is never getting/not knowing the name of the possible guy/s it's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

I remember an episode of Mauri Povich. This girl desperately wanted to find out the father of her DS...they tested 8 men she'd been with and it wasn't any of them...and some really wanted to be the dad.

It was terribly sad.

Huskylover1 · 04/08/2018 12:23

they tested 8 men she'd been with and it wasn't any of them

Who the fuck sleeps with 8 men, in a 3-4 day time frame (ie. the fertile window?)

I'm no prude, but seriously !!

hairymoragthebampot · 04/08/2018 12:46

OP just a little piece of advice when you eventually tell your DS the truth. My sister didn’t tell her two oldest DC that they didn’t have the same father as her youngest. Even though he was now the ex it remained a secret until he was getting married and things started to change and he only asked his DD to be a bridesmaid and excluded her DS and DB. This news was earth shattering when it came out for them both and they were around 18, they heard via rumours started I believe by my sisters ex wife to be and my sister didn’t handle it well. Her DS now has no contact with her, her DD is ok now. But you really need to think carefully how you broach this in the future especially with not knowing who his dad actaullly is. Certainly wouldn’t suggest telling him now when he is going to have a new sibling. As for your DP I have no doubt he will be fine and you will work through this.

SlothSlothSloth · 04/08/2018 12:49

Jesus. I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who had done something this awful to their own son. I hope you’re prepared to pay for all the therapy he’s going to need.

Your DP would be well within his rights to leave. You are so far beyond untrustworthy it’s unreal.

I understand that you were only 18 and 18 year olds do stupid things, but you’ve had 13 years to realise how immensely damaging this lie will be and sort it out. And now you’re only concerned about the harm to your relationship. Awful.

Flightbite · 04/08/2018 13:00

Your son will find out! At some stage he will! Does the family friend have any real children? Does he say you've got a half brother to them?

Even if it doesn't come out until the family friend does, it will come out.

Tell your son now!

And I'd be pretty shocked if I wad your DP, you wait until your pregnant and then drop a bombshell like this?

Monday55 · 04/08/2018 15:52

I think OP is gone

JovialNickname · 04/08/2018 16:21

I would assume that your partner thinks that if you have such a cavalier attitude to fatherhood (as in employing a stand in dad for your older child, meaning that any bloke is interchangeable as a father) then how can he feel secure having a baby with you? He might think you'll do the same to him.

bluebeck · 04/08/2018 19:26

I can understand why you didn't tell DP about this OP - you really haven't known him long.

I feel very sorry for your DS. You do have to tell him now, at a time when he will be coming to terms with your new DP moving in, and a new sibling.

You could have avoided all this if you had just been honest in the first place.

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