Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP says he doesn't know me

224 replies

BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 11:14

Hi all. Sorry if this is long.
I've been with dp for 18 months and am 13 weeks pregnant. I have a 13 year old conceived when I was 18. I'm so embarrassed to admit but I don't know who his dad is. A good friend of mine stepped in and told Ds he's his dad. As far as my Dp was concerned this is true.
After our 12 week scan I told DP that I want to be honest with him about everything so I told him I'm not sure who DS dad is. He was shocked but we spoke about it and he seemed ok.
However last night he was quiet so I asked him what was wrong and he said to me he feels like he doesn't know me and how could I not tell him something so important. I kind of mumbled that I was tired and we went to bed. He left this morning with no goodbye Sad

OP posts:
freetoagoodhome · 28/07/2018 17:52

@Thedutchwife

When you’ve been a kid in this situation, no it’s not easy, but yes, I would 100% advocate telling him now.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 28/07/2018 17:53

You were 18 so an adult so stop blaming age. How many could there have been in the short period that is the fertile window for you not to know?

To the lie to your son for all this time is dispicable and to only tell your current boyfriend once pregnant and past the twelve week window is equally awful behaviour.

I know a family that this kind of secret tore apart, he now no longer in contact with his mother once he found out the lies she had told. I don't blame him either. Your parents are supposed to be the ultimate person you can trust.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 28/07/2018 18:00

Thedutchwife of course not hence the inverted commas.
But that's potentially how her son will feel.
You'd have to be pretty thick not to see that being lied to by your mum about the bloke you thought was your dad, compared to your half sibling with its bio father is a kick in the teeth.

Another reason to get it out now before the whole happy families thing gets shot to shit.

Cleaningthefours · 28/07/2018 18:02

Whens a good time to find out your Mum is a liar, so is your 'Dad' and you don't actually know very much about your own life or identity?

There isn't one. That's why people suggest OP does it now.

My friend found out aged 25 when the man he thought was his Dad became seriously ill. It has affected every relationship he has, even with himself.

It shouldn't happen full stop but if it does, the earlier the truth is told, the better.

Veterinari · 28/07/2018 18:03

You were 18 so an adult so stop blaming age. How many could there have been in the short period that is the fertile window for you not to know?

Oh FFS get off your high horse! OP may have had one or even 2 or more ONS where she didn’t take the guy’s contact info. It’s not required to interview for personal info prior to having sex you know, and perfectly possible for a fun night with a stranger to result in unexpected consequences. Stop bloody trying to Shane her by implying she must’ve slept with loads of men in order to not know the father, and tbh even if she did, so what?

It’s utterly irrelevant to how she now deals with things

AnyFucker · 28/07/2018 18:05

The ideal time to tell this lad the (age appropriate) truth was about a decade ago

But that ship has sailed.

Wait another decade, op. See how that goes.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 28/07/2018 18:06

You're getting a unnecessarily hard time here OP. You were 18 at the time, technically an adult, but barely. You made a decision at the time and had no reason to review it until now. Hopefully your DP will realise we all make stupid decisions when young and you're a different person now. Time to come clean and start with a fresh slate. Flowers

Hogtini · 28/07/2018 18:13

To be fair after only 18 months he's right you don't know each other.

rainbowstardrops · 28/07/2018 18:37

You made a decision at the time and had no reason to review it until now

She had every bloody reason to review it before now!!!!!!!
You don't lie to someone you love for 13+ years. If you do choose to then you're a bloody idiot!!!!!

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2018 18:52

You obviously do need to tell your son the truth but it’s not great timing doing it as a relatively new man moves in and he gains a baby sibling after presumably having had you to himself all his life.

His relationship with his not-dad might be useful while he goes through these other big changes and he might feel like that’s being taken away from him Sad

C0untDucku1a · 28/07/2018 18:55

Op i agree dont do anything until your friend is back in the country. Maybe speak to a counsellor about how to tell your son too.

There are many many adults who hve found out their father isn't their father. Probably many more where the secret was taken to the grave. You werent the first to feel that was the best option. You wont be the last.

I omce watched a paternity test episode of jeremy kyle. Two possible fathers. After less than two Minutes of jeremy interviewing the woman anyone with any knowledge of reproduction should have known 100% who the father was. I was sad for the woman who had been confuaed hy her gp Initially. I was angry with the researches of JK who must have known and let that continue.

Not everyone has the same knowledge.
Not everyone h the same opportunities.
Not everyone has the same support system.

Op, your son will get over it if it ia done well. Arranhe for him to see a counsellor after you and your friend hve told him. Make sure he knows your friend will continue and nothing will change.

freetoagoodhome · 28/07/2018 18:57

What is the relationship with his “dad” like? You say he has acted like a dad all this time, but lives abroad, so how much contact do they actually have?

HollowTalk · 28/07/2018 18:57

I have to say my immediate thought was that the OP was raped when she was young and when she decided to keep the baby her best friend said he'd step in as father.

If that is the case, people need to back off.

category12 · 28/07/2018 19:00

I think it's fairly terrifying that your new chap knows this and your ds doesn't.

What happens if there's a teenaged row in the style of "I don't have to do what you say, you're not my dad?!" and angry DP responds "neither's X?"

You've only been together 18 months - you're still in the getting to know each other stages really.

Also the pp who suggested the friend writes a letter to explain it - no, it's on you OP, it's all on you. The friend could back you up and reassure that he'll still be there so much as he is, but it's on you to tell.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 28/07/2018 19:00

You keep stating that "you were eighteen". So what, you were 18yrs when you got pregnant and gave birth, but you would have been older when your son was able to understand who his (fake) DD was. Either way, I remember being 18yrs old & I know there is no way I would have made up a DD for my child. Surely you could see that you were just storing up major problems for the future? You really need to starting planning to tell your DS the truth asap, preferably before that 2nd baby arrives.

Shortstuff08 · 28/07/2018 19:25

My Dp isnt the biological father to His son. But it his son, regardless. Even though dss is in his twenties and doesn't need day to day care, do is his father end of.

However I think lies this big are shit to hide.

I also can't believe you felt it was time to tell Dp as you see a future with him, but not told your son the truth. Dp had a right to know how, after you got pg, but your son doesn't? Just doesn't make sense.

Cawfee · 28/07/2018 20:18

When I was 18 I made some shockingly bad decisions. You did what you did at the time and there’s no point in recriminations now. Helps nobody and achieves nowt apart from bitterness and bad feelings and heartache. Pointless. Don’t listen to all the negativity/judgey rubbish on here. What’s done is done. None of us has a time machine so really utterly pointless in castigation. What to do next is the question. Personally, I don’t think it’s any of your DPs business who your DS dad is. If your friend is happy playing the “dad” role and everybody’s lives have been ticking alongmerrily then why rock the boat? It’s really not his business to judge or dictate in this case. Your DS and this situation existed before your relationship so any emotional response from him is really not appropriate.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/07/2018 20:20

Have the people passionately responding that telling a kid this at 13 would be too much to handle actually done this?

It would be much, much easier having grown up with this knowledge, in an age appropriate way, then to find out at any point - but that's now not possible. There will be a shock; and the son is very likely to feel like his life has been a lie for a least a period - and the only possible method of damage limitation now is to tell him as soon as possible; in an age appropriate way, and with professional help.

He will not understand why he was lied to; there is no way to rationalise this lie. It doesn't matter that it was a mistake at 18 originally. It's happening every day. And it's getting riskier to keep the lie going as more people know; and even worse as a baby is imminent, which may prompt conversations about dads and babies.

Cleaningthefours · 28/07/2018 20:54

I think an emotional response is entirely appropriate if someone finds out the person they're having a baby with is a liar. To those that love and trust her. And she expects other people to go along with her lie so she feels a bit better about herself.

swingofthings · 28/07/2018 21:19

Does your son know you're pregnant? How does he fell about It? How does he fell about your partner? It's hard to advise whether it is best to tell him now or later without knowing the rest.

SandyY2K · 28/07/2018 22:04

My DD is 18. If she got pregnant and didn't know who the father was I'd be extremely disappointed with her.

On the face of it ..
It suggests you slept with so many men within the timeframe you can't recall... or you were drunk...or you just didn't know the names of the men you slept with. Or possibly your child was conceived in traumatic circumstances.

What I wouldn't do is go along with a massive lie .. of a friend pretending to be the dad.

Where are your family in all this?

That this has happened makes me think you've got some serious FOO issues and have possibly a hard time in the past.

SandyY2K · 28/07/2018 22:09

It's funny how pp are saying 18 is only youmf. Didn't know what you were doing.

Yet in other situations... they're told she's 18 ffs...she's an adult. Tell her to do xyz or get out of the house.

FlyingMonkeys · 28/07/2018 22:20

I'm adopted (my bio mum still can't tell me who my dad is). I also became a single mum during pregnancy at 18. I can get being scared and clutching at a friend offering to stand in as 'dad' (kind of). However that involves pulling many other people into 'the lie'. At any point in the early years you could have shifted the lie/story from it being your ds dad to 'a close friend who supported you as a dad would'.

One lie rolls on to create another OP and now you and your DP share 'the lie'. I believe you may have done it for what you believed to be the right reasons at the time. You need to come to terms with whatever version of the truth actually occurred and reconcile how you will share that with your son as the time will come when he wants to know more about his 'dad', extended family and a sense of who he is.

Original poster
BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 22:20

My ds knows I'm pregnant and is as excited as a 13 year old can be really. He's gets on well with my dp. He's a very easy going boy really.
People are saying my dp knows but my son doesn't and that's wrong. Dp is an adult my ds is not.

OP posts:
SheWoreBlueVelvet · 28/07/2018 22:25

I don't think it's that difficult to not know the father. I slept with a guy a week after finding out my partner had cheated and I knew the relationship was over. Drove 200 miles for a get my head together holiday. A get back in the saddle/ revenge shag. No idea who the guy was. Also gave my phone number to another guy who came to visit a week after that. Luckily I didn't shag him because 8 weeks later I worked out I was pregnant.
I knew dates I had had sex but zero idea of dates of periods which is what doctors use. So it could have been either. Luckily DNA is easily available and it went the right way.
DS dad has never met him though so " father figure" is the stuff of photographs and old stories.