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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP says he doesn't know me

224 replies

BigfluffybearBum · 28/07/2018 11:14

Hi all. Sorry if this is long.
I've been with dp for 18 months and am 13 weeks pregnant. I have a 13 year old conceived when I was 18. I'm so embarrassed to admit but I don't know who his dad is. A good friend of mine stepped in and told Ds he's his dad. As far as my Dp was concerned this is true.
After our 12 week scan I told DP that I want to be honest with him about everything so I told him I'm not sure who DS dad is. He was shocked but we spoke about it and he seemed ok.
However last night he was quiet so I asked him what was wrong and he said to me he feels like he doesn't know me and how could I not tell him something so important. I kind of mumbled that I was tired and we went to bed. He left this morning with no goodbye Sad

OP posts:
YaLoVeras · 29/07/2018 19:26

oh, sorry OP I am behind on the update.

I can see how this would happen. Because if your son doesn't know and doesn't know for a good reason then at what point to your 1) trust a man you're in a relationship and 2) trust him with information your son doesn't have!!!!! That is a crucial point in a relationship and I'm not surprised that you were unable to identify that exact point in the relationship.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 29/07/2018 19:30

My dp doesn't want me to tell him while I'm pregnant due to the stress it will cause. I need to talk to my friend and think about it. Ds is my priority despite what people on here are saying

No he quite clearly isn't or you wouldn't have lied to him from the start or continued the charade because it suits you. It's all about you,

Suspect after the pregnancy, it will be the new baby excuse, then a further pregnancy etc.

Too many people other than the most important one know the truth. It only take a second of anger during an argument etc and your partner could tell him.

Your friend gets no say, he was daft enough to go along with charade in the first place and should have come clean before now.

happiestcamper · 29/07/2018 19:34

I honestly find this disgusting OP. Your poor poor son. You are about to destroy all he has ever known just so 18 year old you could save face. I know someone very like you and her children have grown up to dislike her a lot and have zero respect for her. It dosnt matter when you tell him the damage has been done

BlueGenes · 29/07/2018 19:41

I'm also finding it hard to understand why you felt the need to be honest with your DP but not your son? I honestly don't think there was any need for him to know. I think it would have been best to be honest with your son from the start but nothing can be done about that now. If you don't want to tell him now, then don't, as you said strangers can't force you to do so. However, I think waiting until he's grown up is a really bad idea. He will feel as though he's been lied to his whole life. At least now you can say, I didn't know what to do for the best but I decided to wait until you were old enough to understand. So my advice would be tell him now or keep quiet.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 29/07/2018 19:41

I agree happiest. The person I know who did something has no contact with their child now they are an adult. All of those years of lying about something so important was a bridge too far and they cut contact.

Quite why you just couldn't be truthful is beyond me. Your actions, yours to bear.

HesterMacaulay · 29/07/2018 20:50

OP I can understand how you may not know who your DS's father is.

I can even understand how you may have decided to create a 'story' to make this more 'acceptable' for your DS e.g. it was a holiday romance and you didn't know you were pregnant until you / he had returned home etc. etc.

What is SO much harder to understand, is why you (or your friend), thought it was a good idea to create such an enormous lie and claim he was the father. It honestly makes no sense.

Even if being 18 somehow explains why you did it, you had years to rectify the situation whilst your DS was young enough to limit the damage. But , if I remember correctly from the other thread, the lie was created later than at the time of his birth in order to 'give' your DS a father?

I am not surprised that your DP is struggling. It is such an extraordinary thing to have done in the first place that it would make me wonder about the way you think / make decisions. And the fact that you have not seen the massive error for yourself and taken steps to correct it, you can't put that down to youth.

Please, please seek professional advice on how to deal with this with your DS. Please do this now. Obviously you will need to share the advice with your friend, but it makes no sense to try and reslove the situation between the 2 of you, because you are the ones that created the problem in the first place!

I believe that you love your DS and I believe you have worked hard to provide for him. But that doesn't affect how you deal with this particular situation. You need professional advice now.

behindcloseddoors · 30/07/2018 08:47

I'm struggling to see how people can say this is disgusting when there are children all over who may grow up in so many different family units. Adopted children who find out when they're older so they can understand better. Not all families are the perfect little 2.4 children to married mom and dad

dirtybadger · 30/07/2018 08:57

Youve missed the point. It doesnt matter what sort of family set up you come from. If youre adopted, you arent lied to into adulthood. And if you are, there can be serious consequences. It doesnt matter that the OPs child doesnt "have" a father. Loads of kids dont. And they either have father figures (who they understand when its appropriate arent their biological fathers), 2 mothers (again who they understand arent "dads") or no dad (fine). Its the deception which is the issue not the actual structure.

YaLoVeras · 30/07/2018 09:04

I think you've had a hard time on this thread. YOu know the situation needs consideration. You came here for advice.

No point pasting you for a decision that just rolled, ongoing, baby to toddler to boy to teen. I can understand how you ended up in this situation. I wouldn't instantly trust a new partner with this information. How do you know at what precise point you share this information?! And then if you share too soon you risk betrayal! If you share too late you're accused of betrayal!? But which is worse? Which is riskier!

I think there's been a fuck load of sanctimony on this thread.

OP, thinking about how your partner feels, he probably felt that you were tied to your friend who stepped up to be your son's Dad. Now he probably feels he's competing with this man who did a good thing. What are his motives your partner might be thinking? Is he being compared with that, is he falling short? That comparison will be going on in his head.

behindcloseddoors · 30/07/2018 09:18

It's not a lie that is necessarily on purpose or spiteful. It's a situation where the child has a father figure who is not biological and there are different perspectives on when a child should be told that information. As a baby and toddler they won't understand so you'd have to wait till the child is older. It also depends on the child's own maturity and level of understanding. OP is not saying on this thread that she's never going to tell her son. She will no doubt be waiting for the right time to do this in a sensitive way

YaLoVeras · 30/07/2018 09:21

exactly pp.

I would wait until after the baby is born. So that son sees that nothing changes. His Dad still takes him out, and not him and the baby. So that he sees that their relationship is based on their history.

I think there are ways of sending the signals that a relationship is based on HISTORY rather than DNA before breaking the news. So that when he does discover, he sees the Dad/son relationship they have a little bit more in the frame of shared history than just the usual script ie, DNA

HesterMacaulay · 30/07/2018 09:30

It's not a lie that is necessarily on purpose or spiteful. It's a situation where the child has a father figure who is not biological and there are different perspectives on when a child should be told that information. @behindcloseddoors

I would wait until after the baby is born. So that son sees that nothing changes. His Dad still takes him out, and not him and the baby. So that he sees that their relationship is based on their history. @YaLoVeras

You both have misread the thread. The OP and her friend sat down and decided that they would pass of the friend as the child's father. The friend wasn't in a parental role - they decided to create the lie. The friend lives overseseas.

YaLoVeras · 30/07/2018 09:35

I have not misread the thread.

This thread is not mumsnet at its finest that's for sure. There is nothing to be gained from judging an OP in the midst of a difficult situation, but this thread has been 90% judgement.

behindcloseddoors · 30/07/2018 09:37

It wasn't done in a spiteful way though was it? OP and her friend did this so her son would have a father figure as she thought that would be best at that time. The judgements on here are too harsh. Some people must lead perfect little lives

hellsbellsmelons · 30/07/2018 09:43

OP this is your life.
You know your DS the best and you've done what you thought was right at the time.
Don't be bullied by people on here to do something you don't want to.
I'm glad your DP is being supportive and I think you are right to have told your DP.
You do what is best for you and your family.
Good luck.

Cleaningthefours · 30/07/2018 09:53

It's really very easy to bring someone up with a 'Father figure'. OP hasn't done that, she's lied and said this IS your Dad.

And now her DP will be lying to the DS too.

So that's Mum, 'Dad', and Mums new boyfriend all lying. Who the hell is DS going to think he can trust when this comes out?

And it will at some point. The extent of the damage will just grow the longer she leaves it.

TacoLover · 30/07/2018 09:53

If I were your DP I wouldn't want to be with a mother who lies to her child about who their father is. Utterly disgusting and abusive to mislead your child for their entire childhood because of your own shame about your past.

AgentJohnson · 30/07/2018 10:15

Come on really! The lie was about the OP saving face and she didn't care to think about the impact it would have on her son. Not telling her child the truth is just another face saving exercise and again prioritises OP over everyone else, see the pattern.

HesterMacaulay · 30/07/2018 10:47

@YaLoVeras I agree that the nastiness of some posters is uncalled for.

But, your take on events doesn't make sense. However well intentioned, the actions of the OP and her friend are likely to seriously damage her son. As the saying goes - The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And for a teenager to find out they have been actively lied to all their life may well be hell.

behindcloseddoors · 30/07/2018 11:08

Why would she need to 'save face' with her son and why should she have been ashamed by her past? Again these are just judgements from people who obviously live in a perfect world. How would you explain to a 2,3,4 year old that someone is a father figure not a father. It's a complicated situation with no right or wrong answer as to what would be for the best now. People saying it's abusive and disgusting need to wake up to the real world and stop being so harsh on a fellow mother who has come here for advice and support

YaLoVeras · 30/07/2018 11:09

My take on events makes sense, but I don't want to get in to an argument, this is somebody's life. ''Events'' are in the past and those past events and their repercussions are what led the OP here so, that much is given. What'd be more helpful would be to help her empathise with the conflicted emotions her partner and her son might feel/will feel. Encouraging somebody to flagellate themself is so pointless and luckily the OP has stepped away from it rather than put herself up in the dock to answer to people on the internet so she has some wisdom that will help going forward.

Kewcumber · 30/07/2018 11:10

My child was adopted by me when he was one and luckily these days we have access to lots of research which shows that the children who were told about their adoption before they were even able to understand it are the ones who have the least issues with it.

We are fortunate that because I knew this DS has always known and we have been able to talk through how he felt about it with me (I'm also a single parent).

At 10 we went back to the orphanage I adopted him from and he faced his past, met the current carers and childrne who were there and really had to face up to what his early life had been. Please don;t delude yourself that a 13 year old can't process the uncertainty about one birth parent when a 10 year old can face the grim reality of an orphanage.

I understand you're scared about him reaction and I do agree that you need to consider the right time and consider his "fathers" reaction however I have real life example of my aunt being told she was adopted in an argument around the same age. That's all it takes, one lapse in concentration in a fit of temper with your unreasonable teenager - and now there are at least 3 people who might let it out accidentally.

One of the storngest reasons apart from the research that it's better for a child to know early is that I felt really strongly that DS needed to be able to trust me completely. That I would nver lie to him and he could always rely on me to be honest and to support him in dealing with that honesty.

This is HIS life, you, your partner and your friend are all colluding in keeping a major event in your childs life from him. It really isn;t your right to do that and to find that the three people potentially closest to him have ALL lied to him will no doubt impact your relationship for a time. But leaving it too much longer will just make it worse.

DS and I both did DNA tests at Christmas - what are you going to do when he decides he wants one to see who his ancestors are... it's not an issue you can hide from these days.

There will always be a reason not to tell him - pregnancy, new baby, his birthday christmas, your birthday, it's a Tuesday. But there is one over-riding reaon to tell him - it HIS information, his life.

Kewcumber · 30/07/2018 11:18

@ravenmum *she's a lucky little girl"

Please don't ever say this. Don;t even think it.

People have said it to DS and it's excruciating to see him try to work out whether to offend me and say he isn't lucky to have me.

No child who has been removed from their birth family is "lucky" even if they go on to have half way competent parents who love them - other children don't have to feel lucky that when their family spectacularly fails them if someone pretty competently picks up the pieces.

Even children adopted very young into loving familes often bear the scars that such a huge disruption brings.

HesterMacaulay · 30/07/2018 11:23

Encouraging somebody to flagellate themself is so pointless I agree.

My advice to the OP was to seek professional advice. Events may well be in the past, but their effects will be felt in the future. The OP needs to be aware of the dangers and potential damage that her past actions will almost certainly cause her son. It is the OP that needs to try and empathise and seek advice on how to move forward for her son's sake. All the understanding in the world for the OP will not help a teenage boy who's life could be blown apart.

IAintEvenBovveredThough · 30/07/2018 11:24

You asked for advice, you have been told the best thing to do and clearly couldn't give a shit. Ultimately your relationship with your son is going to be damaged and the older he gets the less kindly he'll take to your lies. Did you post for genuine advice or just attention? Cause it really doesn't seem like you have any intention of trying to rectify this while you still can. Oh well, your choice. Absolute madness.