DP says he doesn't know me

[BigfluffybearBum]

Hi all. Sorry if this is long.
I've been with dp for 18 months and am 13 weeks pregnant. I have a 13 year old conceived when I was 18. I'm so embarrassed to admit but I don't know who his dad is. A good friend of mine stepped in and told Ds he's his dad. As far as my Dp was concerned this is true.
After our 12 week scan I told DP that I want to be honest with him about everything so I told him I'm not sure who DS dad is. He was shocked but we spoke about it and he seemed ok.
However last night he was quiet so I asked him what was wrong and he said to me he feels like he doesn't know me and how could I not tell him something so important. I kind of mumbled that I was tired and we went to bed. He left this morning with no goodbye

It also doesn't affect your dp in the slightest, whereas being told a lie your entire life by your mother does.

I can think of loads of situations in which a woman wouldn't know who was father of her child.

But I just don't get why the OP lied to her son about his father. She didn't do that at 18. Its not like she looked at the newborn baby and said "your daddy is X" and filled in X on the birth cert. That lie came much later when the baby was old enough to know what a father was and ask about his - presumably the OP was in her early 20s and making a life as an adult at that point. It was an incredible lack of judgement to lie then and if I were her partner, this is what would concern me.

I don't know what is best for your son - tell him now or tell him later. I suspect it won't end particularly well. age 13 or 18, no one wants to be told their mother lied about something so fundamental.

I suspect it is all moot anyway. What is that old line "Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead". You know. your friend knows. your DP knows. I suspect you confided in someone before now. your family probably have their suspicions. your friend's family probably know (or have you lied to them too and do they think they are grandparents/aunt/uncles). The secret is going to be revealed to your ds sooner or later. You should at least try to control the narrative.

My gods there are some judgemental twattary posts on this thread!

OP, I have no idea why you did what you did .
I'm guessing you did it for very good reasons.
Hugs xxx

Op you seem to be far more upset that your DP isn't happy with you than the fact that you've lied to your own child about something so huge his entire life. He seems very secondary to your relationship and happiness

You made a decision at 18 that you probably wouldnt make today. Its done now and its how to fix things that matters. Can you sit your son down and just explain you were young and made a stupid decision, but if he wants to try find his dad when he is 18 you will help. He could look at doing a dna test for one of the ancestry sites, that might point him in the direction of his fathers family. When i was at uni my housemate received a letter from her 'father' advising her that he didnt want anything to do with her. Her mum and dad were at home with her siblings so she rang her mum to be told oh sorry you were a ons and your dad is not your real dad but we didnt want to tell you. Come clean is my advice, the sooner the better.

I was 16 when I had my son, I too was young and naive, but never would I have lied regarding his father. (I did know his father, who for the record was crap and left me).

Please tell your son the truth, I am adopted into a family who had two children of their own, then I came and a year later my younger brother. My biological parents are unknown to me. I always knew I was adopted and accepted it, however my older sister knew my original birth name 4 years before I was told and it hurt like hell when I discovered this.
My parents had this thing that although we knew we were adopted we couldn’t know the little info about our background\parents until we were 18.

You are playing a dangerous game, you have had many opportunities over the years to resolve this and yet you have chosen to tell a stranger before him.
He will not thank you for this, and yes, if you felt guilt that your boy would judge you, he will and some when the truth that not only did you lie but you then continued to with your current partner.
You reap what you sow in life, prepare yourself for a barren middle age.

You have told your new dp the truth.
What happens when your friend settles down and tells a new partner?
What happens when they have kids?
How many people will know before your Ds?
Will he think your friends kids are his half siblings?

No one can tell you when to tell your Ds but be prepared that one day you may be forced to.

"My gods there are some judgemental twattary posts on this thread!"

Yep. It's all so easy to have the answers when you're not in the situation yourself.

Hope your conversation with your DP went okay, OP.

"So my son isn't my priority? I went back to university to get my degree when he was a baby, I've worked my way up to a good job, bought a house and sent my son to a good school. He hasn't had a carousel of men through his life and has a stable background. So my son isn't my priority?"

This means you have done right by your DS, as any reasonably responsible parent would.

But where you are not prioritising him is in continuing with the lies. That is hugely destructive, but as other posters have pointed out, you will not engage with that. Which is an enormous shame, and has potential to cause harm that will easily outweigh arterial circumstances.

Some really harsh responses here. It's not something that's easy to just come out with and when you're dating someone you wouldn't exactly tell them that info as it's very personal and not their business. He needs to stop being so silly and realise that he can't get angry over being told something that's not really anything to do with him. You've told him at what you thought was the right time. I think he's judging you on the situation which is sad.

She should be judged on the situation. It's awful.

Thank you for the supportive posts. To those who say I don't care about ds you are so wrong and I'm not even entering that conversation.
My dp was supportive and explained he was just shocked and he'll support me in whatever I decide.

If you don't want to hear other peoples opinions, you could just stop posting threads about it. Or is that enough attention for you?

I don't doubt you love your son, but lying to him is going to bite you in the ass so hard and potentially fuck him up. You need to carefully address this. I would talk to a professional to find your best way of putting things right before he finds out some other way.

Be careful in your new relationship, OP. You’re not together very long, don’t seem to live together, and you’re bringing a baby in to the mix. If you split, you’ll be on tenterhooks hoping that it doesn’t turn acrimonious and your boyfriend uses your secret against you.

Why is it awful??

Excellent. You can carry on burying your head in the sand and being a liar to your son.
If that sits ok with you then go for it.
I just pity your poor son.

I'm not going to run upstairs and tell him to appease a bunch of strangers

Bigfluffy no but you should tell him because it's the truth and he has a right to know.

God forbid anything happens to his " dad" before you tell your DS. What if he got cancer. Would you tell your son then? Or at the funeral? Or what that be the solution to never tell him.

Whatever happened to you and the pregnancy happened to you. It's not your sons problem. You are imagining scenarios based on your perceptions of the issue. They might be very different to his.

My dp doesn't want me to tell him while I'm pregnant due to the stress it will cause. I need to talk to my friend and think about it. Ds is my priority despite what people on here are saying.

Again it's about what you and your partner want. The stress?

When the baby is born or will be 'we can't tell him now because he will thinking because we have a new baby and aren't bothered about him now.' Or the stress isn't good when we have a new baby.

Then 'well he is 16 now, no way we can tell him' or he will have found himself.

You need to stop making excuses and do the right thing.

So then it will put off due to the stress of a new baby, then DS’ education, something else, and something else.

I was really hoping your DP’s reaction was indicative of him being the sensible one in this farce.

Another reason for your DS to resent your DP in future. Pile it on.

And I am not saying you need to go and tell him this second. But soon. Like in the next few weeks at the most. He has a right to know. Your Dp did not. You told your Dp because it was important to be honest with him. Be honest with your son.

And you decide then TELL your friend. Yes, he was doing you a favour, but he doesn’t get a say in when your DS is told the truth, because it’s about your sons feelings, no one else’s.

This is probably his lizard brain telling him that the mother of his child didn't know who the father of her previous child was, and lied about it. That is bound to be a thought and a half to digest.

If he has been a good man up til now, I would LET him have his reaction. He's entitled to a reaction. But after you've worked it out, and talked it through and he's digested it and after he's claimed to accept it and moved on, if he cannot let it go then that will be a problem.

I sympathise with you so much as it to protect your son's ''honour'' as well, I get that, but I see why it would be a shock to him.