DP says he doesn't know me

[BigfluffybearBum]

Hi all. Sorry if this is long.
I've been with dp for 18 months and am 13 weeks pregnant. I have a 13 year old conceived when I was 18. I'm so embarrassed to admit but I don't know who his dad is. A good friend of mine stepped in and told Ds he's his dad. As far as my Dp was concerned this is true.
After our 12 week scan I told DP that I want to be honest with him about everything so I told him I'm not sure who DS dad is. He was shocked but we spoke about it and he seemed ok.
However last night he was quiet so I asked him what was wrong and he said to me he feels like he doesn't know me and how could I not tell him something so important. I kind of mumbled that I was tired and we went to bed. He left this morning with no goodbye

If the friend has played a father role he is an exceptional friend and I hope he knows you think that! One of the things to discuss with dp is that you are eternally grateful to your friend and would never limit his role in your sons life, so he needs to be accept that.

I think you're just thinking about yourself.

Not only have you lied to people that love and trust you, you burdened your DP with that lie. Making him responsibile for now having to lie. For you.

i cant believe that people are judging you. Is it really that bad to not remember all the people you had sex with in your youth.
Who is judging her about that? No-one on this thread, are they? And tbh I doubt most people would be that shocked IRL either. I can imagine why a teenager would feel awkward about admitting it, but, for example, "Mamma Mia II" is just coming out at the cinema - a lovely, happy, warm-hearted family film about a woman who doesn't know which of three possible candidates fathered her child. It's more socially acceptable now.

The issue is surely that OP has until now lied to her partner about who fathered her child. That would worry me too in his position. Just about to have a child with someone and they reveal that they have been keeping something secret both from you and their own child - something that is a big deal - and feeding you both a lie instead? Like someone else said, what other lies might she have been telling?

OP, you were only 18, it must have felt like a good idea at the time to fake the paternity, but surely you must be regretting it now? The longer you leave it, the harder it gets to come out with it, right?

Is your friend on the birth certificate?

Ahhh I had a feeling it was going to be you!

You have written about this shit storm before regarding your son, still not told him then ?!

Is he shocked about what you did; or that he's just found out?

He was probably a bit overwhelmed anyway, if that was his first scan.

I'm glad he's text you. Talk it out later. Best of luck

I don't give a shit about not knowing who your ds father is but to lie that some random bloke is his dad was really fucking stupid

Gosh OP that's quite a bizarre lie to tell. I can't fathom why on earth this friend would have ever agreed to go along with pretending he was your child's father or how it ever seemed a good idea. As I'm sure you are aware, your child's life and emotions are not a game.
I can also understand your DP's response, though I think you should approach him asap to offer a full frank and open conversation about why you did it/the ins and outs if you want to salvage things, especially after you shut him down when he tried to discuss.

The glaring issue here really is that there are several people who know the lie now you've told your DP (18 months isn't that long a relationship) - but your DS still doesn't and that is very problematic, not to mention potentially very damaging.
It is also highly unreasonable to expect your DP to collude in the continuation of the false paternity.

In all honesty if I were you I would be seeking the help of a professional (family counsellor, child psychologist etc) as to how best as a family to introduce this news to your DS, and do so before he finds out elsewhere.
Everyone makes mistakes OP but it is what you do afterwards that defines you.

My friend has been my friend since childhood and he's an amazing person. I'm grateful for him for caring so much about ds and j won't be doing anything without discussing with him first. My friend isn't on the birth certificate.
I was only 18 and didn't find out until quite far along so yes I was terrified.
I think my dp is shocked that he's only just found out. He's told me it doesn't change his feelings for me at all.

You'll have to tell your DS before he gets to the age when he needs to give people his birth certificate (passport etc.) and gets a surprise. You were young and panicked and came up with a stupid lie, but now you are older and wiser and need to admit your mistake and sort it out.

Op has posted before about the paternity lie I think and refuses to engage in taking advice to put the situation right

She will lose her son eventually if she doesn't get her thumb out of her arse

Cleaningthefours and what if for example the real 'father' was a hideous abusive person, what if the child was a product of rape, possibly while already in a relationship?
I'm not condoning lying to partner about fathering a child, but with regard to the child is it not kinder to omit the truth under those circumstances (at least until they are adult and hopefully mature enough to handle that conversation)

Some kids don't even know that they were adopted, is that also considered abusive?

Your DP sounds like an arse if he's saying it hasn't changed his feelings for you. On the basis of that I'd say neither of you could be trusted and both feel comfortable with life-shattering lies.

So you sound well suited.

Yes it is. How do you think it wouldn't be abusive to lie to a child about who they are?

Omitting the truth and actively lying are, as you yourself point out NoTea, two totally different things and can't be compared.

I'm afraid AnyFucker has it absolutely spot on.

It's very easy to say 'your Dad isn't around' for whatever reason.

It's completely unnecessary to make up a story involving deceit.

Telling them that someone else is their Dad and acting out a grotesque pretence is cruel and abusive.

Your parents are usually supposed to be the people that love you the most, who will always keep you safe, protect you and you can trust them.

Finding out that is a load of bollocks is so, so damaging it affects your view of everything and everyone.

My dp isn't an arse. He was reassuring me. I will tell my son the truth one day but I need to consider him and my friend in this. I won't do it without talking to my friend.

It’s just such a bizarre lie.

I don’t know who my DS1’s father is. He’s always known in age appropriate terms, and at 15 he gets it completely. He has a wonderful relationship with DH, who I met when DS was a toddler, he’s called him Dad from quite early on but he knows he’s his step dad and couldn’t give two shits about biology.

I don’t know why you are keeping this up. It’s cruel.

BigfluffybearBum
Your friend sounds very sweet but im sure you're aware that he has made things a lot more difficult. I don't get the people here pressuring you to tell your 13 yo 'the truth' asap...I think that's a bit extreme but them again as pp have said he will want his birth certs at some point so you will need to be prepared to have this discussion. But I do think 13 is too young and immature.
When you're ready could your friend perhaps write a letter and explain that he is not ds bio dad and why he lied. You already know your ds will feel hurt but maybe he'll also realise how much this friend cared for you both to volunteer himself the way he did. I hope you can figure it out love I imagine the guilt is too much to bear x

Thank you no tea. I can't undo what's done with my son but I won't be rushing into telling him.

I was 18

Very sad. I know a little adopted girl whose birth parents are a prostitute and her customer. But she's not being told any lies. She doesn't know the full truth yet, obviously, just that she's adopted - but I have no doubt that she'll learn about it allover time in a thoughtful, age-appropriate and supportive manner from her mum and dad. She's a lucky little girl.

You were 18. You're not now.

I think that's being generous AF.