DH stay at home dad but wants to use full time childcare

[jclm]

DH is struggling with the childcare... He is an older daddy and retired in January 2018. Previously DH worked 6 days a week, so didn't do much childcare or housework. I have recently returned to full time work with a long commute (on Fridays I finish early so can collect DCs with him). I suppose DH and myself are in a difficult transition period where we have essentially swapped roles.

DCs are 7 and 6, but the 6 year old is ASD and is a handful. They fight constantly and we are struggling with behavior.

Before DH retired, the idea was for DH to do all the childcare apart from one evening when the nanny will have the children until 9pm. This would be our 'date night'. The DCs love the nanny and are well behaved and calm with her.

After 6 months of being a SAHD, DH tells me that he is struggling with the children, that they always fight after school and that he cannot manage their meltdowns. He is also finding his 6 hours of time off during school hours (9-3) to be shorter than expected and is not getting to do his hobby as much as he hoped.

From September onwards, DH has proposed that we get after-school childcare for Monday-Thursday. This will relieve the burden of the children's meltdowns on him (and will give him more time for his hobby). This will mean the DCs are with the childminder on a Monday; after-school club on a Tuesday; nanny on a Wednesday and nanny on a Thursday (until 9pm for date night).

My worries about this arrangement are that 1) this creates anxiety for the children who don't like being picked up from school by someone different every day 2) the financial burden - even if we have got some spare cash and 3) DH should be building a relationship with the DCs, trying to deal with their sibling rivalry. He is simply paying for childcare to get him off the hook. It also makes me feel guilty that I am working when my family need me and DH is struggling - and I see DH is beginning to resent my job.

One idea I had was to ask the nanny to have one child, so DH can spend one-to-one, quality time with the other child. And for the DCs to take turns to go with the nanny. (This is something we have done before and it helped a great deal).

I should say that DH's pension and my salary are roughly the same amount - not that it should matter to this discussion...

I would like to hear from any parents who have been through similar, thanks

What's his hobby that six hours a day isn't enough?

Shouldn't children come before a hobby?

My 6yo dd has ASD and would struggle with lots of different childcare. I would love one of us to be sahp so that dd could be home more.

Personally I would be upset and disappinted that your dh is not willing to be there for the dc. 6 hours a day is a huge amount of free time! Can you talk through some strategies about how you deal with siblings fighting?

I doubt anyone has been through similiar because it’s not a normal way for a parent to behave.

Not much of a dad, is he? How old is he. Could he un-retire?

This sounds frankly lazy on your husbands part.

Not just lazy parenting, just outright lazy.

It's not OK.

He needs to give his hobby up and start being a parent.

I couldn't forgive my DH if he made me do this. He really should have thought about this before he had children

Is it a hobby he can share with the kids?

Sounds like he fancies retiring so he could have lots of me time and is surprised that he has to actually parent.

He has 6 hours a day at home to do his own thing.

If he is a SAHP he should also (in my opinion) be doing the lions share of housework too (even if tjis view is shocking to some SAHM).

I think age could be a major factor here. If he’s in his late fifties/early sixties he couid be exhausted looking after two young children. Before anyone gets offended I know not all 50/60 year olds would be tired out by childcare, but some would.

Why did he have kids ?

How can you respect him as a husband and dad with this sttitude? Wtf is his time sucking hobby. Your poor DCs.
He needs to un-retire and swap places with you or man up, and sign up for some parenting classes (and a reality check).
Or option 3 - divorce.

He is being unfair and opting out of parenthood. He can't palm them off into childcare because he cba to look after them - kids come before hobbies.
I would agree to the nanny having them for one more day after school, but I would expect him to get a grip and learn how to look after his own dc.

dh retirement age? 2 dc under 8 one with asd - quite hard work for someone not used to it - may be a couple of days after school to see how it goes? does he do housework & meals?

How old is he? I'd say my DH is an older daddy (turns 49 this year) but he's an incredibly hands-on SAHD to our severely autistic 8yo son. I'm sure he'd love to have the option to hand our son over to somebody else for a few hours, especially during the summer holidays, but finances and our son's issues mean there's no chance of this happening.

He shouldn't have had kids if he is unwilling to put the hours in. It can hardly have been a surprise that they would still be young at his retirement age.

I see both sides of this tbh, it sounds like your husband has worked very hard all his life and now wants a nice easy retirement which I understand, to me that's what retirement is for, to do hobbies and stuff you didn't have time to do while working full time also he is getting older and starting to slow down - things are more tiring the older you get BUT did he not think about any of this before becoming an older parent? He made the decision to be an old parent therefore he has to step up to the plate.

It sounds like a bad idea. If your son’s behaviour is difficult he needs more stability not less. Could you compromise on nanny doing 2 pick ups and dh doing 3? Nobody needs more than 30 hours a week to do hobbies! He sounds quite selfish.

Has he got grown up children from a previous relationship ?

I think it's a bit ridiculous of your DH to suggest that 30 hours per week of free time isn't enough to devote to his hobby! But if it is something that takes a while to set up and needs putting away before DC are home then perhaps a compromise could be made one day per week.

Your suggestion is also good for him to form a better relationship with each dc. His suggestion is pathetic.

I think it depends at what age he has retired. You could compromise with one or two days a week if he is genuinely struggling.

Either he catches himself on and organises his time better during the 30 hours a week the children are in school, or he goes back to work to help fund the extra childcare he thinks is required. It's tough but looking childcare for four afternoons a week when you're retired is ridiculous.

A few men I know professionally past retirement age now work on a consultancy basis- could that be an option?

If he’s tired because he’s older maybe he would have thought about that before having the kids.
He has all the time they are in school to doss about. He’s taking the mickey quite frankly: he needs to grow up.

Also finding myself wondering why he had kids. Just to throw in the gender argument... there would be uproar if he was a woman. I'm saying this as a mother who thought herself lucky that she got to go to Aldi alone for the first time in 3 years yesterday.

OP a lot of these posters probably don't really understand the mindset of a mature Dad!
It's difficult to find the balance but DH might need a compromise, any chance of your commute cutting down, how long is it?