DH stay at home dad but wants to use full time childcare

[jclm]

DH is struggling with the childcare... He is an older daddy and retired in January 2018. Previously DH worked 6 days a week, so didn't do much childcare or housework. I have recently returned to full time work with a long commute (on Fridays I finish early so can collect DCs with him). I suppose DH and myself are in a difficult transition period where we have essentially swapped roles.

DCs are 7 and 6, but the 6 year old is ASD and is a handful. They fight constantly and we are struggling with behavior.

Before DH retired, the idea was for DH to do all the childcare apart from one evening when the nanny will have the children until 9pm. This would be our 'date night'. The DCs love the nanny and are well behaved and calm with her.

After 6 months of being a SAHD, DH tells me that he is struggling with the children, that they always fight after school and that he cannot manage their meltdowns. He is also finding his 6 hours of time off during school hours (9-3) to be shorter than expected and is not getting to do his hobby as much as he hoped.

From September onwards, DH has proposed that we get after-school childcare for Monday-Thursday. This will relieve the burden of the children's meltdowns on him (and will give him more time for his hobby). This will mean the DCs are with the childminder on a Monday; after-school club on a Tuesday; nanny on a Wednesday and nanny on a Thursday (until 9pm for date night).

My worries about this arrangement are that 1) this creates anxiety for the children who don't like being picked up from school by someone different every day 2) the financial burden - even if we have got some spare cash and 3) DH should be building a relationship with the DCs, trying to deal with their sibling rivalry. He is simply paying for childcare to get him off the hook. It also makes me feel guilty that I am working when my family need me and DH is struggling - and I see DH is beginning to resent my job.

One idea I had was to ask the nanny to have one child, so DH can spend one-to-one, quality time with the other child. And for the DCs to take turns to go with the nanny. (This is something we have done before and it helped a great deal).

I should say that DH's pension and my salary are roughly the same amount - not that it should matter to this discussion...

I would like to hear from any parents who have been through similar, thanks

So if he’s doing his hobby for 6 hours every day, when does he fit in housework? Or does he want a cleaner as well?

Can i say, if he is an artist, all the time in the world isnt going to help.

@eggsandwich the OP said they have a cleaner 2 hours a week

OP I strongly suspect your dh thought that he’d retire early, you’d bring home extra money from your new job, and he’d live the life of reily, after all, all he had to do was look after 2 kids for an hour or so in the morning, and then a few hours for 4 days a week before you got home. I mean, how hard could it be, you did it! By then of course, reality bites and he suddenly realised it’s not a walk in the park.. well I’m sorry, but he needs to man up, or
Dad up. He’s got 6 hours every day to do his hobby. He has a date night and he no longer works. I’m afraid this is as good as it gets until his children are older.

i am worried how he will manage in the school holidays? i.e, Now?

i understand where he is coming from, even with a NT child, it is hard adjusting to the alleged free time, he is lucky he has a hobby,
suggest it will get better

So from the kids point of view when they finish school parents are available to care for them but would rather palm them off on the help. Yes that is going to do a world of good for their behavoiur problems when parents finally do spend time with them .Not.

I have another suggestion, with paying for nannies and cleaners and long commutes etc, wouldn’t it make more sense OP for you to just get a different job for 2 days a week say , balancing out all the other costs and tax etc , I think you will find there isn’t much in it and no childcare needed. There are lots of part time jobs out there although admittedly maybe not one you would have chosen, but is the current one? Your H is what he is and lots of creative men can be very self centred and value clear space in heads to think, self indulgent? Yes, but that’s what you are stuck with unless you leave, so I would be pragmatic

My advice is - you don't really need a date night every week.

Everyone's marriage is different and weekly date nights are probably helping the marriage.

It ensures that the marriage isn't neglected and I reckon it's a good thing.

Have to echo what a couple of pp have said. He's retired ...not a SAHD and there's a difference.

Retirement is the time to relax after years of working... reduce the days to what he can manage as it's financially possible.

Some pp are saying they/their DP are older parents and manage fine. Everybody is different. Some mums cope well being a SAHM with 3 under 3... doesn't mean we all can. I know I couldn't have done it.

As we get older... we tend to have less energy and less patience.... in this case there's a child with more challenging behaviour which makes it more difficult.

This problem can be easily solved without creating a big drama about it tbh.

He's retired from working. Not from being a parent.

I'm here. Thanks for all the very useful information and experiences. I've been reading these carefully and will work through the advice given.

DS is very very difficult at the moment. He is lashing out and I am attending a work meeting today with two big scratches on my face. We are worried for DDs safety. DS is a runner and we still use reins with him. Part of DHs time is taken up with DS's appointments with professionals (doctors, speech therapists, dentist etc) and chasing up these appointments.

DH is fit and healthy but we did not of course expect or plan for a disabled child. I am convinced DH does not have autism.

A therapist is a good idea. We have benefitted from one of these for a few years. DH is resistant but I will try to convince him.

Reading your update I think really it should be saying that your DH cannot cope with his SEN child.

This also means though that all of your potential options may well not want him or be able to deal with him so the issue still remains

You need support in dealing with your DS diagnosis and how best to handle that

I don't see why he went and had children if he's unable, unavailable and uninterested in looking after them

Agree that given this update and what looks like a lot of additional needs for your ds, his challenges do seem a lot bigger. You might want to start a new thread on the SEN board?

I'm confused.

Two kids in full time Ed, albeit one with complex needs so lots of out of school appts etc.
Full time at home parent
Nanny

What does the Nanny do if Dad is collecting them from school and supervising them??

What is going to happen in the next 6 weeks before schools go back?

Putting your DS in additional childcare (especially different types) could make his behaviour even worse though. Often DC with SN ‘hold it together’ in school so him then having to do this after school too could make things worse and does seem really unfair on your DS.

Are there ways your DH can get support in managing the SN in order to make things easier for him?

Part of DHs time is taken up with DS's appointments with professionals (doctors, speech therapists, dentist etc) and chasing up these appointments.
Unfortunately, this is just the reality of parenting a disabled child. Lots of parents have to do this AND work.

DH is fit and healthy but we did not of course expect or plan for a disabled child.
No one does though and your DH needs to put your DS needs first. It just seems incredibly selfish to put DS in childcare (when you said DS will find this difficult) as DH is struggling to cope.
DH needs to find ways to manage DS behaviour as best he can, which will improve things for everyone long term.

All parents need time off and parenting a child with SN is stressful and difficult but he has every day when DS is in school plus a nanny for ‘date night’ once a week.

Only read half the thread - sorry - I really like the option of one child home and one child with nanny. If that would work for you, go for it. It doesn't matter what anyone else's experiences are like, you often end up having to do what works for your DCs. I live in a bubble, metaphorically speaking. It works .

Part of DHs time is taken up with DS's appointments with professionals (doctors, speech therapists, dentist etc) and chasing up these appointments.

Such is having a child. Nobody can guarantee a child free from issues. A child can develop cancer, and that's a lot of appointments, hospital stays, stress every day.

Yes, there is more to do, but as you said, it's more that it's getting in the way of his hobby. Being a parent is putting the childs needs first, and your child needs this care.

I think the problem is, I'm sorry to say, that you have a selfish husband, not that you have a child with special needs.

But after your update it’s clear then that ideas about him having 6 hours ‘free’ a day are completely untrue (as they were before anyway). In addition cooking tea or indeed going anything after school could be extremely difficult if your DS needs constant supervision. He may well get hardly any ‘free’ time and is just seeing if changing that is a possibility.

Rainbow, how much free time do you think the OP has? And time for hobbies?

He may have appointments, but it's not all day everyday, he clearly has a lot more free time compared to his wife, and compared to working full time.

If it were me I would still be sitting there stunned thinking I couldn’t have possibly heard correctly. And I say that as a working parent to 2 SN kids (one young adult now) who over the years have consistently had SHITLOADS of appointments, hospital admissions and whose logistical hoops has caused mental gymnastics, and in one case behavioural issues resulted in complete mental fatigue for years.

I’m sure any parent of SN kids would cherish 30mins a day free time whether it be to do a hobby or merely stare off into space. The fact he is retired is moot. If he chose to have kids who would be under age during his retirement then it’s his obligation to care for them in his retirement. Simple. Not enough time for his hobby. Fuck me. Speechless.

If you can afford it then use the childcare option .
He is clearly struggling , why would you want him to be unhappy if something can be done to help?
I would say the same if the sexes/ ages were reversed .

I imagine the OP has no free time at all. It sounds as if both their lives are extremely difficult. I’m simply disagreeing with posters seeming to think he has 6 hours every day to paint. I don’t know the best solution for their family, there may not be one. I don’t think he is being entirely unreasonable to say he’s struggling though.

Depending on the hours he did and the job he had, working full time may have been easier for him if he had no domestic or child responsibilities when doing that.

Sorry - have only read half the thread, but have 2 boys of similar age, one with ASD diagnosis. When the behaviour after school was particularly poor (and it sometimes is) then we found talking to the school and sessions with Ed Psych (through NHS) helped identify what was so stressful at school that was causing the meltdowns, and taking it out on brother after school. A year later, it's still a difficult time of day, but much, much better than it was. In your situ I would fear that the boys would try to keep it together for childminder, possibly nanny too, and that you would get the meltdowns at bedtime when they're comfortable in their own space. It might put off, rather than prevent problem. It must be hard for the sibling, as well as your husband. If you have the ability and the money to go for one child at a time, time, then why not experiment with that? Good luck with the situation though. I wish there was more support - formal and informal - for working parents who have a child with a disability.

Of course working full time is easier than childcare if you have challenging kids with SN. Part of parenting is adequately dealing with them though.

When mine were primary age I worked school hours and did the childcare before and after school and half the domestic chores. Obviously the job you get paid for is far easier, and I had come from a very challenging job running an A&E and even that in all it’s shite glory was a walk in the park compared to childcare. When you choose to have kids, no matter what your age, opting out of parenting should not be a valid choice.

I agree with a PP, the new ‘hobby’ should be an appropriate parenting course. Problem solved.

He may well get hardly any ‘free’ time I disagree. Even taken into account appointments, cooking, housework,etc. It’s still a huge amount of free time plus the nanny one night a week.