DH stay at home dad but wants to use full time childcare

[jclm]

DH is struggling with the childcare... He is an older daddy and retired in January 2018. Previously DH worked 6 days a week, so didn't do much childcare or housework. I have recently returned to full time work with a long commute (on Fridays I finish early so can collect DCs with him). I suppose DH and myself are in a difficult transition period where we have essentially swapped roles.

DCs are 7 and 6, but the 6 year old is ASD and is a handful. They fight constantly and we are struggling with behavior.

Before DH retired, the idea was for DH to do all the childcare apart from one evening when the nanny will have the children until 9pm. This would be our 'date night'. The DCs love the nanny and are well behaved and calm with her.

After 6 months of being a SAHD, DH tells me that he is struggling with the children, that they always fight after school and that he cannot manage their meltdowns. He is also finding his 6 hours of time off during school hours (9-3) to be shorter than expected and is not getting to do his hobby as much as he hoped.

From September onwards, DH has proposed that we get after-school childcare for Monday-Thursday. This will relieve the burden of the children's meltdowns on him (and will give him more time for his hobby). This will mean the DCs are with the childminder on a Monday; after-school club on a Tuesday; nanny on a Wednesday and nanny on a Thursday (until 9pm for date night).

My worries about this arrangement are that 1) this creates anxiety for the children who don't like being picked up from school by someone different every day 2) the financial burden - even if we have got some spare cash and 3) DH should be building a relationship with the DCs, trying to deal with their sibling rivalry. He is simply paying for childcare to get him off the hook. It also makes me feel guilty that I am working when my family need me and DH is struggling - and I see DH is beginning to resent my job.

One idea I had was to ask the nanny to have one child, so DH can spend one-to-one, quality time with the other child. And for the DCs to take turns to go with the nanny. (This is something we have done before and it helped a great deal).

I should say that DH's pension and my salary are roughly the same amount - not that it should matter to this discussion...

I would like to hear from any parents who have been through similar, thanks

Wow, he's older than some grandparents.

I'd use the childcare.

Yes, he chose the kids, and sometimes people who choose to have kids also choose to put them in childcare.

Yes, you could try and MAKE him look after them but he's clearly not coping and do you want your children raised by a 6 year old man who isn't coping? I wouldn't.

Your children could go into full time childcare to be paid for out of his pension, he could do all the housework and have dinner ready, then go and fetch them as you get home from work.

Yes, he chose to have kids in later life but YOU chose to have them with him. You cannot have expected him not to age, surely? In ten years they will be teens and he will be elderly. You will always be bearing the load of childrearing, he is Too Old.

If I understand this correct:

• both children at full time school
• nanny is there Thurs
• you are there Friday
• cleaner comes in for a couple of hours a week as well

So its three nights a week he has his own DC between school and your return and he can't cope?

Sounds pretty rubbish to me.

What is the household duties split? Do you do the lionshare of that as well?

Well I have one day “off” whilst the kids are at school and yes - 6 hours is not that long. Mainly because I try to get all the house stuff done in that time. Which means I don’t get huge amounts of time to myself even on that day.

I generally spend half an hour or so going for a run. And maybe an hour or so reading my kindle if I am super efficient that day and everything is done. This is pretty much my first time having any time to myself since having the kids so it feels great. Feel a bit guilty about it really although I have actually worked most Thursdays for the last few months due to needing to build up TOIL for the holidays.

Can’t imagine having that time every single day. Let alone complaining that it wasn’t enough!

Poor kids.
They'l know he's at home and has no time for them. I couldn't be with a man who suggested this. I know it's tough managing children, especially if one has Autism, but he needs to step up and find things for them to do which won't encourage fighting. Why is he allowing it and not doing anything about it, lazy fucker.
Don't have the bloody kids if you don't want to parent, I say this equally to women.

The lazy bugger. What a cheek.

He should've thought this through before he agreed to impregnate someone at 50+.

I'd be furious.

He chose to have children late in life.

He has 30 hours a week to do his hobby and a few chores ... and he has a cleaner to do the heavy lifting a couple of times a week ... and now he wants even more child-free hours when he is supposed to be the SAHP?

Waste of money and loss of respect. Poor kids.

You cannot have expected him not to age, surely?

He is 60 not 80 and and we are talking after school care three nights a week.

Most 60 yr olds are still in full time work with no immediate retirement in sight. My Dad in his 60s was more than up for coping with a clutch of toddlers for that timescale.

These are his own children, unless he is physically incapable he needs to step up.

Imagine this, 'I'm a SAHM, my children are in full time school and I want to put my children in after school care every day because a) I can't cope with them b) I already spend all day on my hobby but the school day isn't long enough so I want even more'

I'm afraid the poor woman would be told to get a bloody grip, but then I've never seen a woman on here saying that and I doubt I ever will!

He has the nanny one day, at an absolute push I'd get her a second day but anything more than that is ridiculous.

Just do it. They'll have to go into full time childcare if he leaves you, which a man like this might do if you try to make him do anything. They might as well be used to it, and it minimises change for the child with ASD.

Can we stop slagging off older parents please? My father and my DH are better dads than any I've ever seen, better than those half their age. It's fucking offensive.

OPs husband isn't doing well as an older father, can we maybe not generalise to everyone else!

I actually feel really sad for your DC that he doesn’t want to spend time with them

I thought you were going to say that they were pre-school age, in which case I'd understand anyone needing a break! But since I see they are going to school already for 6 hours a day, I think this is a very unreasonable attitude. Why have children if you are just going to farm out their care?

Unless he is physically incapable he needs to step up

That's great and everything, but nobody can actually be forced to care for their children. There isn't a power on earth that can FORCE him to step up.

He's the SAHP and he has his own income. He can spend it as he pleases, be that on full time child care or muffins and cream.

OP has had children with a man who doesn't want to look after children. She can't make him. She can indulge him, or she can leave him. She cannot force him.

These fucking men and their fucking ‘hobbies’. Even the word makes me want to scream.

He has options.

1. Go back to work for a living. He’s only 60.

2. Use some of his 30 free hours a week to take parenting classes so he can be a decent parent to his children.

3. Do neither and sulk and moan like a selfish, self-entitled brat.

His children are his primary responsibility. Not his hobby. He can’t just palm them off left, right and centre cos it’s hard work.

What is his hobby?

I think some people are being vu.

1. This is a huge change for your dh. It will take some adjusting. He is not used to it.
2. Unless you have a child with ASD you don't know what it's like to deal with, and it is fairly relentless.
3. Your dh isn't a spring chicken to deal with big change as well as difficult circumstances.
4. This is probably not how he imagined retirement. Even deciding to have kids, you won't be able to predict dynamics, what challenges they may have, or imagine how hard it may be etc. He is disappointed. When I retire my kids will be adults so I'm not going to have to deal with that.

I think you should split the kids up with childcare, great idea. Compromise on the Wednesday and Thursday with nanny. Ask the nanny for her strategies, or dh observes her. He needs to do one day with them both. I don't think he was unreasonable to ask. I know what it's like to feel unable to cope, but instead of running away from it, reduce the burden and find ways of dealing with the issue that doesn't involve just chucking them in various types of childcare.

Well, if he gets most of the day, until 3.00 to himself, to do what he likes, he's got to mentally switch to his "other job" ie looking after the DC. Can you get him organised? There's tea, homework, bath, play with whatever age-appropriate toys they've got (outside in the garden?) watch a bit of TV, and bed. See if you can give him a few ideas OP. It's not easy being a parent. Most men his age are grandparents, just doing a little bit of childcare.

Just to give you the other side, I am a SAHM and we ended up having an au pair for quite a few years (about 6 years I think).

My DS has ASD and needed a LOT of input, all the time (still needs a lot tbh). DD was very clingy, and didn't get on with DS. For a few years they finished school an hour apart, which was a total pain. They both needed someone to sit with them while they did their homework. They couldn't do their homework at the same time without fighting, and DS took about four times as long as a nt child to do his. Whichever child wasn't doing their homework would do things to distract the child that was. It would take me the best part of 3 hours to get both homework done. I also rarely made a dinner that wasn't burnt, under-cooked or had bits missing because there would be a crash or screaming and I would have to go and sort things out, either I wouldn't turn the stove off and things would burn or I would turn the stove off and forget to turn it back on again. I was really, really hanging on by the skin of my teeth. With an au pair things were a bit easier because he could play football with whichever child wasn't doing homework or stir whatever was on the stove or just able to keep an eye on the kids so could warn me when things were about to go pear-shaped.

I know people say that a parent needs to step up, but I was stepped as high up as I could go and I was a wreck. If he doesn't have the skill set to cope with this, and not everyone does, then it is probably genuinely exhausting him.

I have a bit of sympathy for the DH. Not having the ability to run about after young kids doesn't make for a good dad. He may well have the emotional maturity that makes him a great dad.

Friend has a much younger wife. Had a DD when he was 55 and now his DW is expecting twins. He'll be 61 when they're five. He's tired and grumpy now with his (adorable) DD. No idea WTF he was thinking but he'll love all his DCs to bits.

I'm a youthful (in my head!) 56. I look after my 5 yo nephew for a weekend and I need to lie down in a darkened room!

I think people seriously underestimate the energy required in bringing up children. In this case, it comes down to finances. If additional childcare is easily affordable then I'd go for it. DH will be happier, DW will be happier, DCs will be happier.

NO, ThomasRichard, he has many, many options. Most of them are deeply distasteful to normal parents but that does not mean he won't choose those rather than the 'good parent' ones.

He could, for example, simply leave. refuse to ever look after the children again. many men do this, there is in fact no legal recourse.

He could put them in childcare without OP's agreement and simply refuse point blank to pick them up before the close of business. OP would have to leave her job to prevent this.

He could pick them up from school and disengage, refusing to look after them properly resulting in trauma and injury. He could be prosecuted for neglect but the way the law is, OP would probably be prosecuted too.

See my point?

It's already too late. He does not want to look after them. Therefore he won't.

How old is your DH? You can't expect someone in their 60s 70s to have as much energy as a 30 years old.

Being a stay at home parent is not for everyone. Even though the kids are much loved and played with it doesn't fulfil in the same way as going out of the house and doing a job, paid or voluntary. Being in the wrong job can be very distressing and lead to depression.

So, while I feel sorry for the op I too have some sympathy for her husband.

A compromise?

Him genuinely not coping and him just wanting more time for his hobby are two very different things.

Which one is it?

He hasn't retired if he's bringing up two small children full time.

If DH were a female, every poster would be howling that despite DCs being in school all day every day they get not a split second of free time, that they are frenzied with oh so much to do, yada.

DH is truthful enough to point out that having every weekday free is great, and there's not much to do when you don't need to earn a living or cater for 50 daily. He should be able to enjoy his SAHM hours, he's right.

You need downtime too.

Compromise? Hire a studio (cheap) near the school so he paints there and picks the DCs up later. You get a day off childcare at weekend.