DH stay at home dad but wants to use full time childcare

[jclm]

DH is struggling with the childcare... He is an older daddy and retired in January 2018. Previously DH worked 6 days a week, so didn't do much childcare or housework. I have recently returned to full time work with a long commute (on Fridays I finish early so can collect DCs with him). I suppose DH and myself are in a difficult transition period where we have essentially swapped roles.

DCs are 7 and 6, but the 6 year old is ASD and is a handful. They fight constantly and we are struggling with behavior.

Before DH retired, the idea was for DH to do all the childcare apart from one evening when the nanny will have the children until 9pm. This would be our 'date night'. The DCs love the nanny and are well behaved and calm with her.

After 6 months of being a SAHD, DH tells me that he is struggling with the children, that they always fight after school and that he cannot manage their meltdowns. He is also finding his 6 hours of time off during school hours (9-3) to be shorter than expected and is not getting to do his hobby as much as he hoped.

From September onwards, DH has proposed that we get after-school childcare for Monday-Thursday. This will relieve the burden of the children's meltdowns on him (and will give him more time for his hobby). This will mean the DCs are with the childminder on a Monday; after-school club on a Tuesday; nanny on a Wednesday and nanny on a Thursday (until 9pm for date night).

My worries about this arrangement are that 1) this creates anxiety for the children who don't like being picked up from school by someone different every day 2) the financial burden - even if we have got some spare cash and 3) DH should be building a relationship with the DCs, trying to deal with their sibling rivalry. He is simply paying for childcare to get him off the hook. It also makes me feel guilty that I am working when my family need me and DH is struggling - and I see DH is beginning to resent my job.

One idea I had was to ask the nanny to have one child, so DH can spend one-to-one, quality time with the other child. And for the DCs to take turns to go with the nanny. (This is something we have done before and it helped a great deal).

I should say that DH's pension and my salary are roughly the same amount - not that it should matter to this discussion...

I would like to hear from any parents who have been through similar, thanks

Colditz have you met many 60 year olds recently? The parks near us are full of grandparents older than that, doing full days with toddlers. Mine are older, and off trekking in Asia with another bunch of 65-75 year olds.
He's not being asked to run around after babies, just pick up and supervise his own school-age children for 3-4 hours, three evenings a week. That's 10-12 hours only, when he gets nearly 30 hours for resting or his hobby. Very reasonable for a 60 year old who until 6 months ago was fine with full time work.

Sure OP can't force him. But she has every right to expect a lot more from her DC's father.

i struggled with being a sahp and my dc went to nursery for 1 full day per week so i could breath while dh put in 5 x 12 hour days per week plus being on call at weekends. luckily for us we had the spare £275 per month to do that.

i did this as one of my dc was very demanding/ intense/ unpredictable in temperament and i was at my absolute wit's end with no family to call on to take the kids for an hour while i went to dentist, took the car for an MOT,did grocery shopping, went to my own medical appointments etc.

i can understand wanting a nanny but 4 days isn't fair on your dc if the reason is not that your dh is out at work. plus loads of £ that would you have for holidays/ hobbies etc.

a nanny 2 days???

I think he’s being very selfish and looking for an easy way out.

To put it into perspective, my DF, who is nearly 71 and has been registered disabled for a very long time (decades) and on chemotherapy, has looked after my very active and boisterous now 4 year old DD, and my nieces who are now 10 and 8 from when they were 9 months (in the case of my nieces) when I and and my SIL returned to work.

He has my DD 3 half days and has my nieces 2 days after school on the same days he has my DD and he bloody loves it! Yes he gets tired, yes they push his buttons and fight and squabble, but he does it and he does with a smile on his face. He has an abolsutely amazing relationship with all 3 of them who adore him as equally as he adores them.

I think your DH is lazy and does want the hard bits of being a parent. 60 is young nowadays, ok not for a parent, but he’s still young. I think you need to have a serious word with him and not farm your kids out to various different child minders because he can’t be bothered to deal with their challenges.

Why have children if you cannot cope with them and want to pay others to bring them up? My ex husband,middle aged first-time dad then,moaned from the very start of us becoming parents,also wanted a nanny,his hobbies were always priority,which caused huge arguments. He then went off with other women while I was holding the baby and eventually we divorced. I have been a single mum for many years and would do it again.I want a child-centered life in almost all my spare time and cannot imagine putting up with someone egocentric and non-paternal again and tiptoing around his needs,wants,interests that are miles away from the kids'.Their childhood is so precious for me.I have friends who do put up with selfish husbands but are not happy. Depends how maternal you are,but I wish you all the best. It is a big problem for me.

DH and I are 58 and early retired so 2 years younger than the OP DH. We look after our almost 3 year old DGD1 and will also have DGD2 from December who is 3 months now. Looking after young kids is exhausting but it is surprising that his involvement was not discussed before having children. If he has retired early to concentrate on his hobby then I guess it is a bit of a shock that his DW decides to return to work so he now has to do the bulk of the childcare. I would not really want to do that with my retirement either especially as one has SEN and there appears to be friction between the 2 DC. Splitting the DC up may work and make it easier for DH to build a relationship with them separately. Just make sure it is not always the Nanny who gets the "difficult one".

Did your DH have the kids willingly or did you talk him into it? My DH has a time consuming hobby so I do empathise with that so hopefully he will compromise. Who has them in school holidays?

£275 per child that is. i do look back and wish i could have coped with sahm life better but i didnt and the break was as good for them as it was for me.

My MIL put DH into childcare at 18 months because he was, "exceptionally difficult". She didn't work. Hasn't, since she got married. (She had loads of affairs, though!)

If he's in his 60s then I think this is reasonable, actually. My mum is, and the children exhaust her. Age isn't optional. If you can do a nanny so he can have quality time with each child, that seems a good compromise in these years. Bluntly, you don't know how long he will have with them, so anything that promotes a good relationship sounds positive to me.

He's worked all his life if he didn't take early retirement. If a woman had health issues that meant she was very tired, then surely people would recognise the need for childcare? Actually I do have such issues, and this summer we are getting paid childcare for the toddler so I'm not run ragged.

Just remember, if he's 60, (ie born in 1957 or 58, his state pension age (and therefore his cohorts retirement age) is now 67. He has therefore taken EARLY retirement. 7 years early. Plenty of time to learn a new role and for his children to grow and their energetic needs lessen.
I'm 60, retired last year due to being able to draw on a small employers pension. My friend of 64, having spent her whole working life paying in to a pension she thought she'd get at 60, was required enrol for a full time apprenticeship in order to be eligible for any benefits and was closely questioned as to why she's given up her full time position.
Both of us find childcare and full housework well within our capabilities and our energy levels. (yes, including care of children with severe learning difficulties and autism). What bliss to only have to care for and entertain them after school. And if a parent can take over or support after say 6.00, (like I'm sure you do) I'd be lying to say I'm not grateful and quite tired.
My Aunt, now in her mid 80's looks after her two grandchildren (both with ASD and spectacular meltdowns), from school collection at 3.30 Tuesday until delivering them to school at 9am Thursday - sleepovers, meals. play, homework, everything ON HER OWN. Yes she finds it tiring, but she loves it.
Your partner may need some basic parenting training. I know I would in his circumstances. And maybe some (very) temporary childcare support until he can manage his new full time SAHP job.

I understand his mindset. He's worked his years and was looking forward to retirement. God knows, he's earned it! No doubt he thought caring for the DCs would be a cakewalk. More fool him! He CHOSE (I assume) to have two children in his 50s. He CHOSE to retire and taking over childcare was part of that deal. Suck it up, buttercup. As SuperChicken said to Fred "You knew the job was dangerous when you took it!".

BTW, I have two friends (we're all retired) who have young grandchildren living with them now. Neither of them expected nor wanted to be 'starting over' in their early 60s, but they've both risen to the occasion, without nannies or cleaners and so have their husbands, one of whom is 80!

My husband retired at 65 and became the main carer for our 4 children (2 primary and 2 secondary age). At first it was very hard and he didn't cope well- I'm still not sure how much was cluelessness and how much was wanting me to step in and let him off the hook. Strong words were had and he has really stepped up and is now brilliant.

I have had to make some adjustments and allowances because he has some disability relating to his job, but for the most part he (now)takes the view that he chose to marry and have children later in life and this is part of it. Sibling rivalry is hard for anyone to cope with, but hiding from it doesn't help. Paying for someone else to deal with it will give the children the impression that he doesn't want to be bothered with them (since they obviously know he no longer has a job).

AcrossthePond55
I agree. Any plans he had about his early years.of retirement went out the window when he chose to become a parent later in life.

@flutteryleaves sounds like you coped fine - one day off is not a lot with young children and a partner who is away a lot. To put this in context, the OP's DH has 6 hours a day to himself and only has to look after children three times a week, for the period between school and bedtime - and he can't cope with that. Not much comparison really!

I'm with Colditz.

Yes it's fairly shit that at 60 he simply won't or can't deal with this. Many 60 year olds could or would. He won't. It's like when people post 'do most people do this sexual act, I don't want to?' - the 100s of people saying that they do it every night and love it are essentially irrelevant. This is an individual person in an individual family.

My dh became a SAHP at 44 when ds was 5. He could not cope with the school gate - simply could not. At first I could do drop offs and pickups around part time work. When I got full time work, ds was 6. The only option that seemed feasible was for him to walk to school alone, there and back. I wasn't ready for him to do that, but in fact it wasn't too bad a journey and I made the choice not to look for another option. Yes most SAHPs find a way to cope with the school gate, whether they like it or don't - but DH couldn't, and it would have been pointless me trying to make him. We couldn't afford anything extra in the way of childcare at that time, and I didn't want to beg favours every single day.

I would prioritise stability. Could your dh seriously consider some further paid work, purely to allow you to employ the nanny more?

As a pp said, the bit about how 6 hours a day isn't enough time for his hobby is really dampening any sympathy for him.

Fuck that shit.

If he doesn't want to be a SAHD, then back he goes to work. Otherwise what's the point of him?

“Otherwise what's the point of him?”
Presumably, in your world, sperm donor and cash machine.

I think you should repost this in SN chat. The fact that one of your children has ASD changes the dynamic here.

Ds2 has complx needs. Neither Dh or I cope very well with him and his meltdowns it's incredibly difficult. At two minutes past 11 is still going. It isn't like minding an non SN child.

I have spent an entire day trying to manage him and Dd. I seriously couldn't do it full time. Your DH is saying he can't cope...you need to listen to that.

Some 60 year olds are still really healthy, while others are falling apart so it’s hard to judge really. He was too old to have children with hindsight. If you can afford the extra childcare then just take it or see if you can work part time.

My DH is late fifties and our children are grown up. Even when our kids were young, he didn't want to do much childcare, in spite of the fact that I was back at work 3 months after the eldest was born. That was pretty normal for many men at that time.

I would hazard a guess that your DH thought staying at home with children was a doddle and had no idea how hard work it actually is. Now he has experienced the reality, he just isn't prepared to make the sacrifice required.

You will find it hard to change his mindset, because he will remember many men his age playing a small part in child rearing. A compromise and meeting him halfway is possibly the only way forward.

Where is OP ?

Plenty of SAHMs round here book their DCs into after-school club till 6 or 7pm. Every night.

I'll prob be shot down and sworn at for saying this, but people of both sexes dodge childcare; doesn't mean they don't love their DCs. Parenting is hard work, especially parenting a DS with SEN, and can't help thinking it's in everyone's interests to keep both parents as happy as possible.

I live near two of Tatler's 'best state schools in the UK'. Pre- and After-school clubs abound. Thrilled, the mums have been telling everyone how Little Tarquin so loves Mandarin/Ukelele/Chainsaw Sculpture while relishing never clapping eyes on the 5-yr-old from one week to the next. No one's fooled.

Presumably, in your world, sperm donor and cash machine

Nothing of the sort. In my world everyone contributes to the family, they don't leech off it.

Neither working nor caring for the children at home makes him a freeloader. Not many families can afford the luxury of adult passengers.

I think annandale's post is wise.

However - and with a huge scoop of "you know your own child best", " they're all individuals" etc - I really doubt that an extra 4 nights a week of childcare will get your DH out of experiencing your DS's meltdowns. Surely your DS will still have them when he does finally get home, only worse and longer because he's that much more stressed after a longer day out in the world. He might need more parental input, not less, to help manage his behaviour, mood and stress levels.

I would also worry very much that your DH has gone straight to childcare every night as a suggestion. Surely most people, even those who are struggling to cope, would try for one or two nights a week first.

I've got no sympathy for either of you he sounds like an entitled arse, you're enabling him. You seem to have cash for a cleaner and a nanny etc you can't be that badly off, just chuck some money at it.

But otherwise yes please move this to special needs see if you get any more sympathy over there (from mums who are genuinely struggling and don't have a pot to piss in).

Where is OP ? - could be date night?