DH stay at home dad but wants to use full time childcare

[jclm]

DH is struggling with the childcare... He is an older daddy and retired in January 2018. Previously DH worked 6 days a week, so didn't do much childcare or housework. I have recently returned to full time work with a long commute (on Fridays I finish early so can collect DCs with him). I suppose DH and myself are in a difficult transition period where we have essentially swapped roles.

DCs are 7 and 6, but the 6 year old is ASD and is a handful. They fight constantly and we are struggling with behavior.

Before DH retired, the idea was for DH to do all the childcare apart from one evening when the nanny will have the children until 9pm. This would be our 'date night'. The DCs love the nanny and are well behaved and calm with her.

After 6 months of being a SAHD, DH tells me that he is struggling with the children, that they always fight after school and that he cannot manage their meltdowns. He is also finding his 6 hours of time off during school hours (9-3) to be shorter than expected and is not getting to do his hobby as much as he hoped.

From September onwards, DH has proposed that we get after-school childcare for Monday-Thursday. This will relieve the burden of the children's meltdowns on him (and will give him more time for his hobby). This will mean the DCs are with the childminder on a Monday; after-school club on a Tuesday; nanny on a Wednesday and nanny on a Thursday (until 9pm for date night).

My worries about this arrangement are that 1) this creates anxiety for the children who don't like being picked up from school by someone different every day 2) the financial burden - even if we have got some spare cash and 3) DH should be building a relationship with the DCs, trying to deal with their sibling rivalry. He is simply paying for childcare to get him off the hook. It also makes me feel guilty that I am working when my family need me and DH is struggling - and I see DH is beginning to resent my job.

One idea I had was to ask the nanny to have one child, so DH can spend one-to-one, quality time with the other child. And for the DCs to take turns to go with the nanny. (This is something we have done before and it helped a great deal).

I should say that DH's pension and my salary are roughly the same amount - not that it should matter to this discussion...

I would like to hear from any parents who have been through similar, thanks

I have three kids and two have asd. The youngest severely so and has been excluded daily from school. So I’m trying to work 20 hours a week and picking up a child at 12. I’m sure to him his retirement looked a certain way. My life before I had kids looked a certain way, but you chose to have kids you have to step up and parent. It is very very hard. Aside from moaning about his lack of hobby time what else he is doing to support his child? It’s not ideal but full time childcare is unlikely to be either.

DH needs to step up (and get a fucking grip). Agree with PPs who have suggested a parenting course as a new hobby. It's not easy being a SAHP to children with ASD; but avoiding his parental responsibilities will not make this any easier on any of you. My DC both have ASD and I gave up my career to be at home with them, even though they're both in primary school - because extra childcare after school with different people made it so much harder for them to cope and their behaviour became very difficult to manage . If I'd just increased the childcare in a lazy attempt to shirk my responsibilities, then both children would have struggled even more as a result - and so would I. He seriously needs to get a grip. Life doesn't always turn out how we imagine - I'm a single parent, full time carer to two DC with ASD. Not saying it's been easy, but would I palm my children off onto paid workers so I could have more free time than the 30 hours a week I already have when the kids are at school?? No I fucking well would not. Because it would increase my DCs' stress and anxiety - and that is my only priority here. DH seriously needs a kick up the arse. Sorry, but this has made me really angry.

And 30 hours a week is a fuck tonne of free time. I do all the childcare, all the housework/household related shit, garden etc, all the school runs, all the medical appointments, all the education related meetings, volunteer at Citizens' Advice two days a week (and do all the studying that requires while training) and yet still, here I am, posting on MN at 1.50pm FFS.

Obviously it is too late for you to do anything about this now, but I do think this post neatly illustrates why it’s so bloody ridiculous when such old men have babies. They never expect to have to actually look after them; it’s just some means of proving their masculinity or pleasing their much, much younger wives. And choosing a much, much younger wife is in itself often about their fragile masculinity too.

Sloth you're assuming he'd be better at handling them if he was 30, there's no actual guarantee that age is the only thing that's stopping him step up and parent the kids.

A bit sure why they have a Nanny though

That’s true sleeping, he could be the same at any age. But in general elderly men planning to father a baby are not, I think, going into it with the idea that they’ll be as full and active parents as their younger female partners.

People age differently and at 60, I can see why some would struggle with a demanding child.

Sod what anyone else thinks, this is about you as a couple being happy and finding an acceptable compromise.

What feels acceptable to you? I agree that a bit of extra help, and a review in a year's time might work?

Also - what did he work in before? Was it well paid Could he return to do that a couple of days in any shape or form to bring in a bit of extra cash?

One child? I wonder how those teachers among us will cope with 30 of them until we are 68? And yes, that includes me.

One child? I wonder how those teachers among us will cope with 30 of them until we are 68?
To be fair, we are trained to manage large groups.
It's like one of my former colleages is a head of year. She spends her life dealing with all sorts of teen issues, but the battlea she's had with her own child have had her driven to insanity and back.
It's different when it's your own child.

My mum is 60, she works full time running her own VERY demanding business, she looks after my fairly severely autistic brother, she looks after my gran who is VERY demanding and in need of a lot of care, and she runs the house because her useless husband who works part time, is more interested in his fucking hobby. 60 is not as old as some posters seem to think, and this situation would NEVER be acceptable if we were talking about a mother and not a father.

FFFFFFFFS
Why oh why is ASD trotted out whenever there is a wanker man? Hes a lazy twat, not how that associates with a developmental disorder

OP better to use the same username all the way through ie all lower casex that way your posts will be highlighted.

Obviously for the past 40 years he hasn't been able to do much of that

While I sympathise with him to some extent that creativity is hard to summon up on demand and fit into a certain number of hours, I doubt if he has been bottling it all up for 40 years unless he was a workaholic. He has only become a parent fairly recently.

This art think is interesting though from a historical perspective and from the perspective of women's contribution to fine art. When you see a thread like this featuring the attitude of a man to care of his own children and what he is prioritising, you realise why there were so few female artists in centuries past.

I know two women in particular who make an income from artistic endeavours who would love to have even 20 hours a week, preferably two long sessions of 10 hours, to devote to their livelihood. One has four children and a H who travels for work and one is single, with one child with SEN.

They are incredibly organised and completely disciplined women, and they have the business end of their art to accomplish too. There is absolutely no time for faffing about in their daily lives.

OP... support your DH in achieving the best outcome for the entire family.

I totally disagree with those saying he's selfish and lazy. Children with SN can be difficult and from your updates...it's a very challenging time.

If life can be made easier why not do that?

OP your later reply makes me think even more that another childcare provider is not the solution. It sounds like your son is not happy or coping at the moment, and surely helping HIM has to be a key part of the solution. Packing him off to extra childcare and to a what, psychologist? counsellor? once a week is not going to stop him melting down once he gets in the door.

It's not exactly fun and games here while our autistic son adjusts to school hols, but packing him off to holiday clubs all summer would make things a hell of a lot harder.

If life can be made easier why not do that? - especially if its at yours and the DCs' expense.

Great point mathanxiety - if his art was so important, he surely had until he was 53 to pursue this and quite a lot of spare time (unless he has unmentioned other dcs). Funny how many blokes develop time consuming hobbies while their children are at demanding ages...

My DH is 53 now and our DDs are 9 and 6 (adopted), and I'm an older mum at 49. My DH works full-time and is a hands-on dad when he gets home. He forgoes his hobby of steam trains and just focuses on being the best dad he can. Our DDs have attachment issues connected with their adoption and DD1 has violent meltdowns. He's exhausted but he sticks with it.

So no, I have no sympathy with your DH.

Wow. The SEN aspect does make it harder but I don’t think he needs help every day - that’s crazy. Plus, if you are passionate about art you would plan your day into getting the most from it - not faff around and moan about not getting enough time.

My children will be 32 & 30, when I hit sixty & I thought I was an older parent!

Difficult one as he’s made his bed here. Surely he could have said something if he didn’t want children?

The one thing anyone with a disable child learns fast is that no normal paid childcare has to look after your child . Even normal school exculde disable child .
If he is really struggling and every parent of disable child does from time to . Then have ask for help from every one they can . If that means you child goes to special school then fight for it .
Not many sah parents have time for their hobbies all the time . Maybe one or 2nights a week . Max

Op have you thought about getting an au pair just to give him a bit of a hand? Is your asd child difficult?. To be honest if a mum posted on here she was struggling to cope people would be clamouring to give her ideas to reduce that burden.

My mil is 60 and can only have my children for a long weekend or similar. She just finds it too tiring. Parenting is relentless. Try and look at this another way, he is saying he is not coping. That's not great for your children. Is he shouty with them?

If he isn’t coping then unfortunately there isn’t much you can do. If you can afford a nanny then I’d probably do it. Neither me or my partner work. We have two children, one who has extra needs. We pay for her to go to a daycare twice a week. We need that downtime. I have a lot of mental health issues and really do struggle to cope with her, it sounds awful but it’s purely because she has these extra needs that I struggle. We both do and we don’t have work to deal with. I think a good long talk about it all and being honest with feelings and it’s ok to not cope, is in order.

My mil is 60 and can only have my children for a long weekend or similar. She just finds it too tiring. Parenting is relentless. Try and look at this another way, he is saying he is not coping. That's not great for your children. Is he shouty with them?

But these are HIS children, that he chose to have, knowing that the quality of sperm decreases with age and so disabilities are a higher risk. He made all of these choices himself, and now OP is meant to pick up the pieces? And how do we know that he can’t cope, rather than just doesn’t want to?

Men should be held accountable for their children to the same extent that women are.

OP I think you should also consider how the kids will perceive being essentially in school or in paid care nearly all of their waking hours.

My grandmother had a F/T nanny when she was raising her kids, and Mum will tell you that she wasn't raised by her parents - she was raised by her nanny.

Certainly if DH is truly struggling - and not just being a bit ridiculous about how much time any parent can expect to have for a hobby - get help. But i don't like his suggested set up of basically total weekday child avoidance would be reflected on well in years to come by your DCs.