DH stay at home dad but wants to use full time childcare

[jclm]

DH is struggling with the childcare... He is an older daddy and retired in January 2018. Previously DH worked 6 days a week, so didn't do much childcare or housework. I have recently returned to full time work with a long commute (on Fridays I finish early so can collect DCs with him). I suppose DH and myself are in a difficult transition period where we have essentially swapped roles.

DCs are 7 and 6, but the 6 year old is ASD and is a handful. They fight constantly and we are struggling with behavior.

Before DH retired, the idea was for DH to do all the childcare apart from one evening when the nanny will have the children until 9pm. This would be our 'date night'. The DCs love the nanny and are well behaved and calm with her.

After 6 months of being a SAHD, DH tells me that he is struggling with the children, that they always fight after school and that he cannot manage their meltdowns. He is also finding his 6 hours of time off during school hours (9-3) to be shorter than expected and is not getting to do his hobby as much as he hoped.

From September onwards, DH has proposed that we get after-school childcare for Monday-Thursday. This will relieve the burden of the children's meltdowns on him (and will give him more time for his hobby). This will mean the DCs are with the childminder on a Monday; after-school club on a Tuesday; nanny on a Wednesday and nanny on a Thursday (until 9pm for date night).

My worries about this arrangement are that 1) this creates anxiety for the children who don't like being picked up from school by someone different every day 2) the financial burden - even if we have got some spare cash and 3) DH should be building a relationship with the DCs, trying to deal with their sibling rivalry. He is simply paying for childcare to get him off the hook. It also makes me feel guilty that I am working when my family need me and DH is struggling - and I see DH is beginning to resent my job.

One idea I had was to ask the nanny to have one child, so DH can spend one-to-one, quality time with the other child. And for the DCs to take turns to go with the nanny. (This is something we have done before and it helped a great deal).

I should say that DH's pension and my salary are roughly the same amount - not that it should matter to this discussion...

I would like to hear from any parents who have been through similar, thanks

I think age and the fact he is 'retired' are red herrings. Plenty teachers and TAs at that age and with changes to retirement we'll have more.

Either he wants more time for his hobby or he can't cope alone for a few hours. If it's the first then he can get fucked as far as I'm concerned. Nobody would put my child, in a more challenging situation which they might find distressing because they wanted to muck about with paint.

If it's the latter then he needs to find some parenting courses like early bird or similar. Maybe shadow the nanny to find out how she deals with them. It just isn't on to opt out of your children. Yes children can be challenging but we aren't talking everyday nonstop.

This isn't the same as 'I need a break' or 'I need time to get chores done'. This is 'I don't want to be soley reasonable for my children at any point'.

To be fair to your DH, he probably had a very unrealistic idea of being a SAHD when he "applied" for the job. Like many full time working outside of the home people (do we have an acronym for that? FTWOOH ? ) he probably saw it as a bit of a doddle, floating about with a feather duster or vacuum now and again, choosing whether to have a coffee, read a magazine, do the crossword or go leisure shopping for most of the day, sitting quietly with the newspaper or watching TV when the children come in from school and then magically producing effortless meals for a smiley family. An easy, unskilled task, anyone can do it, easy for someone who has held down a "proper" job for long, no thought preparation required, and be plenty of time for my full time hobby, he thinks.
The reality is sooooo different. It will be quite a shock to him, he hasn't prepared for the level of skill needed and it will take him time to adjust. He needs to see the SAHD as another job... a part time one working a split shift, with 6 hours a day free between shifts. As with any job, he will need training and some job shadowing as was suggested up thread.

My husband was a stay at home dad for 2 under 2 for 12 months. We put them both in childcare for 1 day a week so he could have some down time. But he didn’t have 6 hours free everyday! What the fuck is he doing? Why would he have kids that old??

Agree that if he had suggested one extra day of childcare per week, it would have seemed reasonable.

To want to have them in childcare every day screams ‘I don’t want to be responsible for this’

What was the job he retired from? Was it by chance a cushy office job with minimal acute stress, say IT?

So OP agreed with her husband that they'd have children... He worked, she was SAHP... Then when it's agreed that they'll switch roles and she will work to support the family and he will be a SAHP to their now school agency DCs... but he's copping out and wants her to work and pay for all the childcare and he'll just have fun with his 'hobbies' all day long?
OP you're being placed into the role of single parent AND paying for your OHs hobbies. So you've fulfilled your half of the bargin and he's reneging on his half AND landing you with the work and the bills??
This just seems disrespectful - what about you? - when do you get your hobbie time? What about the children?

And this is why you shouldn't have kids in your 50s, harsh but true! Seems to me like he wants to retire and just chillout. My father in law is 61 he retired last year at 60, he spends most days golfing, when he isn't golfing he's on holiday somewhere hot and sunny relaxing.

Sounds to me this is what your partner imagined retirement to be. A time for rest and enjoying himself. You must have realised your partner wouldn't have the same time/energy for children having kids so late on in life, surely you discussed all this? You make it sound like your children are an inconvenience to him, how very sad for them.

I agree he's got not got much childcare, but yes an ASD child is much harder to manage. When I have my 4 and 6yo ASD dd from.after school, I have to watch them constantly and struggle to even cook dinner because dd needs a lot of attention. It's rare we do homework until dh is home so we can have a child each. It is tough and draining. Your dh obviously didn't have a realistic view of the situation before you agreed on the set up.

There May be parenting support available as his ds has ASD. In the last 10 minutes since dd was diagnosed, I've been to numerous meetings and support groups. I'm about to start a 10 week programme called Stepping Stones for parents of children with additional needs. It's difficult fitting it in arpund work but if your dh has free time, and If he's keen to develop, he owes it to the family to try.

As an older parent myself, I can’t see what the problem is.
My dc’s dad is 66. He commutes to London 4 days a week and looks after primary age dc for most of Sundays. I work full time (I’m 55) and do all the school runs/homework/ house work etc plus dc on Saturdays.
Unless your dh is infirm or has a physical disability he just sounds lazy & selfish.
What is the point of him being there at all?

Confused as to why a nanny is needed if he doesn't work. How old is he? Maybe the behaviour is really bad. Could he take them swimming or to the park or even organise a few extra-curricular activities after school. I probably would do away with the Thurs night out. This is probably quite unsettling having a babysitter one eve per week. Could you not just have wine in the house or go out once a month?

Utterly ridiculous and pathetic on the part of the OP's H.

6 hours a day, 5 days a week is plenty for any hobby. If he wants to be a f/t artist then he needs to make enough money from his art to pay for childcare.

I'd agree to an extra day of childcare, solely becasue i'd worry that my kdis were being ignored by this crappy parent, but anything else is crazy. He needs to either realise that childcare involves effort and step up, or go back to work and put the kids back in childcare.

I have an ASD 7y/o. I know it can be tough. I also know that if you know the child's meltdown triggers, and know how to manage them, and how to bring them out of them meltdown once it occurs, you can avoid a lot of the meltdowns. It sounds like he doesn't know how the hell to look after as ASD kid, and can't be bothered to work it out.

Between a nanny and after school clubs, how much childcare will he actually do?
Also how will he manage when the changes in routine upset your child with ASD even more?

He sounds like a complete waste of space - hope he steps up Op.

The thing is, it isn't ,6 hrs a day.by the time he is back from school drop off and he has maybe done a couple of things on the way home, it will be 9.30am. He will probably need to start getting packed up ready to go and collect them at 2.30pm. So that is 5 hrs a day

. He probably has stuff to do around the house (2 hrs of cleaning a week does not cover evetything leave) . Say another hour. That leaves 4 hours . Then take off 30mins or so to make some lunch and eat and clear up and maybe do a bit of prep for dinner.

Now more like 3.5 hrs and maybe he might fit some exercise in there so possibly now 3 hrs . Now that is quite a lot of free time for a parent of primary school children but it is not 6 hrs a day to do a hobby.
The OPs DH had expectations of retiring and doing his hobby for long periods of time. His expectations are not realistic. Maybe one day a week of after school club is OK but more than that is asking a bit much I think

My son has high functioning ASD and I really struggled with him at that age. You couldn't reason with him and his common sense was really kind of not there. I literally went on every parenting course going and paid for one-one parenting advice. It wasn't until one parenting specialist, who also used to diagnose ASD children, noticed some red flags that things changed. Now he has had therapy and no longer has meltdowns - I have learnt more about ASD and how I need to speak literally to him and accept that he does not have the levels of common sense that other children his age have....and life is bliss.
Your husband is doing the right thing - he's saying he is struggling rather than just pretending to cope. People are saying he's a crap father because he can't cope - but in realisty - no one but him and you know the full detail of your lives. Extra childcare may or may not be the answer - but something has to change. Can I recommend as part of this you find a therapist for your son. ASD children have trouble managing their emotions. He needs to be taught by a professional how to do this. Life will improve once you can stop his meltdowns.

My DH is 56 and I can see hes physically more tired than a few years ago, what does he want to do in the school holidays ?

I don't think it is because of his age or gender. He's just crap and selfish.
I have a 30 odd year old one. He manages 3 hours with DD who also has ASC. Then he needs a rest to do his hobby. I hate him, I am planning to go as soon as I can. You too will hate yours soon, op. Happily mine works so I only have him evenings and weekends.
Does he also demand that you spend your free time with him?

At 60 it's no surprise he's struggling tbh. That's the downside of having kids in later life.

Perhaps a compromise where he has them 2/3 days after school would be better.

I think there have been some harsh and insulting responses so far.

I remember doing a business when the DC were younger and the hours of 9 to 3 go very quickly...I imagine it feels much the same for time with the hobby.

As his pension equals your salary... I think you can find a way to make it work.

Ha ha ha bless him. Did the swap thinking SAHM is an easy life.

I think it's unfair for people to call him a freeloader or a waste of space, when his pension equals the OPs salary. In truth he isn't a SAHD in that sense - he's a pensioner. If he wants to use some of that pension to buy more childcare, that's up to him. But I wouldn't expect the OP to contribute to that extra, as it isn't a necessity - just an extension of his hobby spending

OP, you do realise you’ll most likely be his carer within the next 15 years? He must pull his weight now, otherwise I really think you should leave. You will end up looking after an old man who would never do the same for you - and not even for his own children.

@annandale your six year old walked to school because your husband 'couldn't deal'?

Guess he missed the point about being a SAH DAD is being a DAD, eh?

He's not prepared to step up to that role - he's just RETIRED and that's all he's doing, all he wants to do. Fine, except he didn't make that deal with you, did he, he said he'd be a SAHD. But he's not.

Is there any option for you to reduce your hours at all? If not, then I guess you'll have to consider getting the nanny after school each day rather than the after-school care, to keep continuity of personnel for your DS.

I think he needs to get a grip and be a dad! Perhaps have the nanny 1 extra night then it only means he has 2 nights to deal with his children alone - he's being a bit pathetic though IMO

Wise advice from ittakes2

It sounds like everyone needs a re-set,OP. Perhaps your DH also has ASD,perhaps he doesn't, and he can't now help being 60 with 2 young children! But you're all struggling at present so need some support to make life easier. Lots of different arrangements won't help your DS- he needs continuity and a predictable routine, minus the after school fights!

Maybe some asd related family therapy might suit?

do you want your children raised by a 6 year old man who isn't coping? I wouldn't.

Best typo ever.

I agree with Colditz (and a few others) though. You can't make him cope.

Is there any way the nanny could do one other afternoon (Tuesday) as well as Wednesday and date night, and he just sucks up Mondays?

Also, is there any reason he couldn't get some professional guidance on strategies to deal with meltdowns?

Any way he could get more organised - devote Monday, for instance, to errands and busting his ass at whatever jobs he is doing around the house to clear the rest of the days for the art?

Putzing around and getting himself lunch or going to the Post Office or whatever he does that makes his time run out faster could be avoided if he (for instance) made a week's worth of lunches on Monday, or if he made his lunch the night before.