DH stay at home dad but wants to use full time childcare

[jclm]

DH is struggling with the childcare... He is an older daddy and retired in January 2018. Previously DH worked 6 days a week, so didn't do much childcare or housework. I have recently returned to full time work with a long commute (on Fridays I finish early so can collect DCs with him). I suppose DH and myself are in a difficult transition period where we have essentially swapped roles.

DCs are 7 and 6, but the 6 year old is ASD and is a handful. They fight constantly and we are struggling with behavior.

Before DH retired, the idea was for DH to do all the childcare apart from one evening when the nanny will have the children until 9pm. This would be our 'date night'. The DCs love the nanny and are well behaved and calm with her.

After 6 months of being a SAHD, DH tells me that he is struggling with the children, that they always fight after school and that he cannot manage their meltdowns. He is also finding his 6 hours of time off during school hours (9-3) to be shorter than expected and is not getting to do his hobby as much as he hoped.

From September onwards, DH has proposed that we get after-school childcare for Monday-Thursday. This will relieve the burden of the children's meltdowns on him (and will give him more time for his hobby). This will mean the DCs are with the childminder on a Monday; after-school club on a Tuesday; nanny on a Wednesday and nanny on a Thursday (until 9pm for date night).

My worries about this arrangement are that 1) this creates anxiety for the children who don't like being picked up from school by someone different every day 2) the financial burden - even if we have got some spare cash and 3) DH should be building a relationship with the DCs, trying to deal with their sibling rivalry. He is simply paying for childcare to get him off the hook. It also makes me feel guilty that I am working when my family need me and DH is struggling - and I see DH is beginning to resent my job.

One idea I had was to ask the nanny to have one child, so DH can spend one-to-one, quality time with the other child. And for the DCs to take turns to go with the nanny. (This is something we have done before and it helped a great deal).

I should say that DH's pension and my salary are roughly the same amount - not that it should matter to this discussion...

I would like to hear from any parents who have been through similar, thanks

Does your DH have ASD ? They can be selfishly tucker of 1st order .
With 7 and 9 years old you have have that young for only 4 years tops . Your DH is older dies he not wish your children know their father . No they should not go to childcare . If he can't cope with kids suggest he moves 0ut and you become a single mum . As don't forget you DH is only going to good for 10 years top then you more that likey have give up wirk to look after him . So he either puts his kids 1st or fuck off.

Yeah, sounds like loads of mums i know.

NOT!

Tell him to get a fucking grip! Shocking bloody attitude. And as a pp said 'why did he have kids?'

I understand this mindset alright

Lazyfuckeritis.

My dh is older too - 53 with a 4 and 6yo. Yes he finds it tiring, and he works ft and won't be retiring for at least a decade. If I'm honest he wouldn't want to be a sahp and would find it exhausting - it wouldnt bd situation we'd choose.

The priority is the dc, not his hobbies.

6 hours a day is a lot of me time! Even if he's on the less healthy / frailer side for his age, it's surely only about 3-4 hours of care a day, quite a bit of which is spent travelling back from school, prepping dinner, doing homework, getting ready for bed, so he's not having to sit around playing for hours with restless kids, or come up with strenuous activity. I'd be spitting about the hobby thing. It would be different if he was using the 6 hours to get the house spotless, cook dinner etc... But based on what else you've said, I suspect you might have a cleaner also and are probably doing a fair bit yourself.

I do think one extra night of the nanny in order for he and each dc to get some one on one time could be nice (or if that costs a lot, could DCs pick up after school activities and he can have 1:1 time with the other while one is in a club?), and extra help during school holidays - but no way to the rest.

How would he respond if he was working full time and you were a SAHM and the tables were turned? And what possible hobby could necessitate 6 hours a day??? Surely a round of golf doesn’t take that long?!

There are shit loads of grand mothers parents doing ft childcare so their dc can work and they didn't choose to have young kids. So I'm sure a healthy older dad csn manage.

Do he doesn't want to work or be a SAHD and expects you to finance it all? I would tell him he either gets a job or stays a SAHD.

You will be under increased pressure to fund his hobby / lifestyle.

Thanks for the replies.

DH is 60.

I have struggled to find a job after several years out. The only job I could find is a 90 minute commute each way, no home working allowed. I see this as temporary for a year or two until I've gained more experience, then I may be able to find a more desirable job locally.

DH is an artist. He is also doing jobs in the home which eats into the 6 hours a day. We also have a cleaner for two hours a week.

@loveisland - erm yes I understand the mindset of an older father. I am the daughter of one and my own DH is 55 and we have a 1 year old!

Both men very very active in the parenting of their children. OPs DH is being selfish.

Definitely supporting the argument that people should NOT become a parent past the age of 44-45.

I was pondering the age thing as well then remembered my dad helping me look after my son when from birth to 3. I moved in with my parents as my home was being renovated and stayed 3 years, my retired father was amazing with my son, and later he used to look after my sisters baby's when she worked shifts, so as a man in his late 50s early 60s looking after 2 baby's while the mum works can be done and done well, he just has to want to do it, I think your DH just doesn't want to take the parental role, which is sad but I doubt can be changed

It's hard to have much sympathy for his plight when he voluntarily had these children in his 50s.

I would probably hire the outside help though, otherwise he may just leave in order to have the retirement he thought he was going to have.

Maybe compromise with the two nanny afternoons, but two other additional childcare settings are too much to expect the children to cope with.

Sahp to two school age children plus a cleaner plus a nanny two days a week is a cushy deal even at 60.

So out of curiosity who is running your household - meal planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing etc if your H is doing his hobby whilst the children are at school.

He needs to step up and look after his children, they won't need this much care for long and he should build relationships with them now while he's got the opportunity.

Just noticed OP's DH is SIXTY!

Becoming a father of a baby at retirement!

WHY?!

Why would anyone put themselves through that?!

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

Also MASSIVELY unfair on the child. And borderline cruel.

I’m missing the point I know but I’m puzzled about the nanny..what hours do they do?

So you have a cleaner and a nanny, he gets 6 hours a day to himself, date night on a Thursday and he wants to fuck his kids off after school too.

Sounds like kids are an afterthought in your house.

How often is the nanny there and for how long? Does he take care of ALL of the housework (that’s a female definition of “all”, not male ie emptying the bins but not cleaning them, clearing away dinner things but not doing the dishwasher etc, etc)?

It sounds like your nanny is quite regular which means he isn’t really doing any solo parenting if he has help when they’re not at school.

Re his hobby...he can do that once all the other husbandwork/childwork/housework is done!

If you can afford it and it doesn’t bug you or have a detrimental effect on your children then crack on. I’m a SAHP and I know what my husband’s response would be if I said I was going to find someone to look after the DC! How about he works PT/consults during the school day to help with financing the childcare?

Presumably he's not making much / any money with his art? And if your job is making as much as his pension, I bet he'd also feel retry resentful if your income were halved (also, with a man as selfish as this, getting your CV back in shape is very sensible - you need a get out option).

Third option for a night with the nanny - use it for him to do a parenting class. He needs to be able to manage his own DCs.

Toni Morrison made it as a writer while a single breadwinning mother - she said she wrote at the 'edges of the day'. Your DH needs to make his own time for his hobby, you've supported his work for years and now it's his turn.

Does your DH have ASD? Is this hobby his special interest?

Is he genuinely struggling? What's his attitude like around the kids when he's minding them?

Or is it that he just wants more time with his hobby?

Can you try and help him deal with the meltdowns more effectively? If the kids went to the park for an hour after school would that help them burn off some energy first? Maybe he could introduce more structure into after school and give them an activity to do rather than leaving them to their own devices. For example park, snack, then homework, then play with the toy castle/do jigsaw puzzle/play football or whatever activity. What does the nanny do with them that your DH cannot? All kids argue though, he has to accept some amount of it is inevitable.

Kids are hard work. I'd love 6 hours to myself every day to indulge my fancies. He should be using that time to recharge and refresh and to give the kids 100%.

I've never heard anything so ridiculous.

I've a friend who's an artist. She's also single parent to 2 children, does all her own cleaning and doesn't have a nanny.

He needs to get a grip!

Wow...60 years old and you have a nanny AND a cleaner. What on earth is he moaning about?????