DH stay at home dad but wants to use full time childcare

[jclm]

DH is struggling with the childcare... He is an older daddy and retired in January 2018. Previously DH worked 6 days a week, so didn't do much childcare or housework. I have recently returned to full time work with a long commute (on Fridays I finish early so can collect DCs with him). I suppose DH and myself are in a difficult transition period where we have essentially swapped roles.

DCs are 7 and 6, but the 6 year old is ASD and is a handful. They fight constantly and we are struggling with behavior.

Before DH retired, the idea was for DH to do all the childcare apart from one evening when the nanny will have the children until 9pm. This would be our 'date night'. The DCs love the nanny and are well behaved and calm with her.

After 6 months of being a SAHD, DH tells me that he is struggling with the children, that they always fight after school and that he cannot manage their meltdowns. He is also finding his 6 hours of time off during school hours (9-3) to be shorter than expected and is not getting to do his hobby as much as he hoped.

From September onwards, DH has proposed that we get after-school childcare for Monday-Thursday. This will relieve the burden of the children's meltdowns on him (and will give him more time for his hobby). This will mean the DCs are with the childminder on a Monday; after-school club on a Tuesday; nanny on a Wednesday and nanny on a Thursday (until 9pm for date night).

My worries about this arrangement are that 1) this creates anxiety for the children who don't like being picked up from school by someone different every day 2) the financial burden - even if we have got some spare cash and 3) DH should be building a relationship with the DCs, trying to deal with their sibling rivalry. He is simply paying for childcare to get him off the hook. It also makes me feel guilty that I am working when my family need me and DH is struggling - and I see DH is beginning to resent my job.

One idea I had was to ask the nanny to have one child, so DH can spend one-to-one, quality time with the other child. And for the DCs to take turns to go with the nanny. (This is something we have done before and it helped a great deal).

I should say that DH's pension and my salary are roughly the same amount - not that it should matter to this discussion...

I would like to hear from any parents who have been through similar, thanks

Perhaps a compromise where he has them 2/3 days after school would be better.
He already only actually does 3 days after school. OP is there Fridays and the nanny does Thursdays. So 3 days of maybe 4 hours child care. Poor man huh?

The first priority is the kids and it would not be good for them to be in a patchwork of childcare settings after school. They need to get at home after school on those 3 days.

However I do sympathise with him that SAHParenting is not actually compatible with doing serious creative work - OP you state upthread that DH is an artist. Obviously for the past 40 years he hasn't been able to do much of that and if he's like the creative types I know, he will have been desperately unhappy for much of that time but struggled through doing what needed to be done and waiting for that golden retirement date when he could finally start living for creativity. And now he has realised that actually the life he was hoping for is still at least a decade away.

My advice is - you don't really need a date night every week. That's a luxury not many couples can even consider (we aim for once every 2 months!) So redesignate alternate Thursdays to be Art Days - he just has to get the kids to school and can then devote the entire rest of the day to Art until he falls asleep. You still have the nanny so you can have some solo downtime yourself after work - perhaps Netflix and a takeaway.

That way you van carve out the time he needs for his art without taking it from his children whose needs must come first.

I would be disappointed with him prioritizing a hobby to his children.

Is this hobby some entrepreneurial enterprise or just entertainment? If the second wth!? How much leisure time does a person need?

About not coping, is there any mental health issues like depression?

My mother has worked as a daycare educator until 65. That means 10 kids ages 12 to 24 months old to herself. Full time. Now she is retired and caring 24/7 for my 95 years old grandma with dementia and mobility problems (wears diaper, needs to be showered, fed, dressed, everything).

In short, if you can afford it, just do it. But your DH is selfish and I feel sorry for your DC.

Disgraceful. Imagine if mother said this. I don't know how you can call him a stay at home dad as he's just a stay at home (retired) person. To be a full time SAH parent is a huge amount of work and there are certainly no hobbies. Honestly I could not get past this.

He's a lazy fucker. Tell him to parent his children.

How selfish and useless.

6 hours a day not enough! He already only does 3 after schools per week! When do YOU get a break?

Money would be better spent on services to help your DC with ASD, and you both to manage the parenting challenges.

If he really can’t adjust and improve as a father then he’s not worth being with - although then you’d be doing everything, as he’s probably the type only to want every other weekend with his DC.

‘it’s more like 3 hours

I agree with this, the school day does not actually give you 6 hours a day free. By be time you have run an errand, got home, prepped lunch then that gives you 4 hours. Add in exercise and it is 3 hours if not less. Put in 30 mins to an hour preparing tea / stuff for after school and that leaves 2 hours. There is always stuff needing doing round the house so it may only leave him an hour and a half or so to paint.

I'd be seriously worried about his health if he can't run round with them at 60. If fitness or tiredness is an issue then he needs to get himself more physically active and/or see his GP.

OP, in one way I agree with you - he sounds like he's not enjoying the hard work of really parenting his children so he wants to just duck out of it and have someone else do it. He doesn't sound like he's considered the children's needs at all in his plan - he's just thought about what would work best for him.

But I also think you have to consider whether it's best for your DC to be spending that time with him if he's struggling, doesn't want to do it and you can afford someone else.

I think some compromise is worth pushing for. The nanny taking one of them at a time to give him and DC a more positive experience together. Or one extra day a week at nanny/childminder/afterschool instead of 3. I think letting him go straight to virtually washing his hands of looking after them on his own would mean he would never take on that role, to the detriment of his relationship with them.

What's going to happen over the summer holidays?

do you want your children raised by a 6 year old man who isn't coping? I wouldn't.

But many mothers raise their children feeling like they're not coping. Particularly with ASD children.

Generally they don't the luxury of just hiring a nanny to do it for them and doing art instead.

They read up on ASD, get professional help and advice and basically learn how to deal with the child. It can be a slow painful stressful process.

OP is only asking her DH to do what 1000s of women are doing across the country on a daily basis.

I literally went on every parenting course going and paid for one-one parenting advice. It wasn't until one parenting specialist, who also used to diagnose ASD children, noticed some red flags that things changed. Now he has had therapy and no longer has meltdowns - I have learnt more about ASD and how I need to speak literally to him and accept that he does not have the levels of common sense that other children his age have....and life is bliss

This is what he needs to be doing.

@rainbowbriterules - I think this depends on your approach. If he really wants to do his hobby seriously then he needs to treat it like work, and they get more done outside school hours / are more efficient.

He still has 5 hours most days.
For example, if most schools are 9-3.30 (if not more) - 6.5 hours left
Most trips to drop off / pick up DCs are more like 15 mins but let's say its 30 mins each way, so - 5.5 hours
Errands - most days you should not need to do an hour errand. Lots can be done online, shopping included, clothing returns or DIY trips on the weekend etc - but let's say 30 mins in case - 5 hours left
Prepping lunch and dinner - nope. He can prep a sandwich the night before like lots of other people who have too much to do the next day. For dinner, he has hours between pickup and meal time, with school age kids and can cook then - even if it's eggs on toast or he has to put on cbbc for the 30mins calm to do it, it's only 3 nights a week, they probably have a full school dinner and they'll live.
Exercise - nope, again this could be done out of school hours. Or he could work it into the day and walk /cycle with kids to school etc if suitable.

That's still 5 hours, or 4 on a day with an extra.job at home or a few more food and drink breaks. 20-25 hours a week for a hobby is pretty good.

The school day leaves plenty of time! exercise is a leisure activity, as is preparing lunch for oneself!

He doesn’t need to paint: it’s a hobby. If he wanted to spend his (early) retirement dabbling he could have chosen not to have DC.

@anna i cannot believe you think it is acceptable for a six year old to go to school alone because your husband couldnt cope with the school gate! What help did he get to cope? Any?!

I definitely don’t view exercise as a leisure activity! I hate every second of it but it is something that has to be done to try to stay healthy, at least a couple of times a week.

Prepping lunch was a typo, I meant to say eating lunch which he might allocate 30 mins for as if he were at work.

I’m just saying I can see his point about maybe needing some help at least a couple of times a week. Making tea with my two NT kids around after school is a nightmare (we usually do not go straight home after school anyway so it needs to be done in advance), let alone a child with ASD so he may need to take that time in the day.

Any days off I have with the kids at school end up with me having about an hour left of the day for me to actually do something, and usually that hour goes on tidying the house. I would never have time to paint.

Exercise is a leisure activity, albeit a healthy one!, whether or not you enjoy it. And OP’s H chosen form of exercise is golf, which is his hobby.

All the things have to be done by WoH parents too, and can be managed in whatever time is available. Eg I prep meals the night before.

Not many workers get a 30min lunch break!

This bloke already has help 2 days a week - nanny one day and OP another. He is only covering 3 days. Having never previously done any!

The school run doesn’t usually take 2 hours out of the day.

Frankly, anyone who has the opportunity for a regular 'date night' is lucky, IMO. Dh and I have never had that luxury

Your dh is taking the piss I'm afraid. Palming your dc off onto whoever will take them is not going to help with any relationship/behavioural issues either.

Of course you can fill school hours really quickly.. Leisurely stroll home, chat with a few parents, pop to the shops, go to the gym, make/have lunch and voila the day has gone.

The reality for working parents is that life becomes faster paced; errands at the weekend, gym whenever one can fit it in, lunch at your desk and zero time for yourself.

He should be very grateful he is in a financial position where he can have all day every day to.himself and spend quality time with his children.

I think he resents it as he pictured retirement as time to himself rather than more time to be a parent.

Like others said, if he doesn't change his mindset he will never feel happy; even with full time childcare...

It sounds like he assumed being at home would be easy as he never did anything before

But FFS he has a nanny and a cleaner and still wants to outsource more - stop enabling him he is a 60 year old man not a child. At some point he made the decision to have children at his age he cant now outsource it because he cant cope

Have you heard oh Hand in Hand parenting? It’s a really different approach ( no time out or naughty step) fantastic for if you find your kids a handful, or feel overwhelmed/ disengaged from them.
You could see if there are any courses in your area for dh to do. He might be able to enjoy his are and his relationship with his kids a lot more.

My ex thinks that being a sahm is easy because he's never done it. Now I work whilst my kids are at school and do everything else once I pick them up from school. I exercise and do my hobbies etc around them. I was only able to go to the gym etc once the children were old enough to be looked after by my eldest. When you have children you adapt and sacrifice certain things. If he wanted a relaxed retirement he shouldn't have had children - but like most people who've never been a stay at home parent or in main charge of children, they seriously underestimate what's involved.

By be time you have run an errand, got home, prepped lunch then that gives you 4 hours. Add in exercise and it is 3 hours if not less.

The errand, lunch and exercise are things you are doing in part of the six hours! They are not separate. Why on earth would you not be counting that time as part of the available 6 hours?

I agree with the majority - the dh is just being lazy and selfish. I'm also pretty astonished to hear about these husbands who are unable to deal with walking a child to school or waiting at the school gate to pick a child up. Wtf? (Unless there are mental health problems or a child with extremely difficult behaviour).

Think the op has scarpered. But I'm dying to hear more about the dad who couldn't cope with a gate?

Do you think your marriage will survive your resentment of him opting out of all parenting op?

Me too morris. Why wasnt he able to come with the school run?