DH stay at home dad but wants to use full time childcare

[jclm]

DH is struggling with the childcare... He is an older daddy and retired in January 2018. Previously DH worked 6 days a week, so didn't do much childcare or housework. I have recently returned to full time work with a long commute (on Fridays I finish early so can collect DCs with him). I suppose DH and myself are in a difficult transition period where we have essentially swapped roles.

DCs are 7 and 6, but the 6 year old is ASD and is a handful. They fight constantly and we are struggling with behavior.

Before DH retired, the idea was for DH to do all the childcare apart from one evening when the nanny will have the children until 9pm. This would be our 'date night'. The DCs love the nanny and are well behaved and calm with her.

After 6 months of being a SAHD, DH tells me that he is struggling with the children, that they always fight after school and that he cannot manage their meltdowns. He is also finding his 6 hours of time off during school hours (9-3) to be shorter than expected and is not getting to do his hobby as much as he hoped.

From September onwards, DH has proposed that we get after-school childcare for Monday-Thursday. This will relieve the burden of the children's meltdowns on him (and will give him more time for his hobby). This will mean the DCs are with the childminder on a Monday; after-school club on a Tuesday; nanny on a Wednesday and nanny on a Thursday (until 9pm for date night).

My worries about this arrangement are that 1) this creates anxiety for the children who don't like being picked up from school by someone different every day 2) the financial burden - even if we have got some spare cash and 3) DH should be building a relationship with the DCs, trying to deal with their sibling rivalry. He is simply paying for childcare to get him off the hook. It also makes me feel guilty that I am working when my family need me and DH is struggling - and I see DH is beginning to resent my job.

One idea I had was to ask the nanny to have one child, so DH can spend one-to-one, quality time with the other child. And for the DCs to take turns to go with the nanny. (This is something we have done before and it helped a great deal).

I should say that DH's pension and my salary are roughly the same amount - not that it should matter to this discussion...

I would like to hear from any parents who have been through similar, thanks

To be honest if a mum posted on here she was struggling to cope people would be clamouring to give her ideas to reduce that burden.

I truly doubt any mum has ever, even once, posted here that she is struggling to cope with looking after her kids for a few hours, four days a week. If a mum ever did post such a thing, the response would definitely be a lot less supportive than you imagine.

Ok @SlothSlothSloth what if a grandmother of 60 posted?

And lots of people post stuff that I can't relate to. It doesn't mean they don't feel it though.

You know, if it was just an "I can't cope" situation that might be very understandable.

But this is both "I can't cope" and also "30 hours a week isn't enough for my art".

So although I was initially inclined to feel some sympathy and to second the suggestion that you can't make someone cope, I think that the OP needs to try to winkle out whether it's a case of 'not coping' or a case of simply checking out of parenting so he can focus on the art.

I think if he turns down suggestions of using one day per week for everything that needs to be done around the house including making himself a week's worth of lunches, and uses the other four very determinedly for art, and if he turns down any talk of getting professional guidance on dealing with the meltdowns and other ASD behaviour, then I think she will have her answer.

I think most working parent have less than 6 hours a week to themselves!

To put some perspective on this.

I have an asd child who is 11. And who is very hard work especially after school when everything that has been bottled up comes out and not in a nice way. Lots of meltdowns and screaming lots of unhinged laughing , lots if aggression. She can't help this but it is hard and it is relentless and it is every day and it does go on and on until she falls asleep between 11-12 and I do get up in the night also for up to two hours every night. Very rarely she sleeps through. Either anxious or cant sleep or has night terrors .She is then up abt 6.

Taking the Asd into consideration i would suggest having the nanny one more afternoon, if you can afford it. (What happens in the sch hols?) the kids know and trust her already.

To be honest if a mum posted on here she was struggling to cope people would be clamouring to give her ideas to reduce that burden.

but it's not really I can't cope. It's "looking after my children interferes with my art time". This comes back to what has been said already - if you want a nice peaceful retirement with your hobbies, don't have kids in your 50's!

So although I was initially inclined to feel some sympathy and to second the suggestion that you can't make someone cope, I think that the OP needs to try to winkle out whether it's a case of 'not coping' or a case of simply checking out of parenting so he can focus on the art.

This is it exactly. How many sahm managed to devote a good chunk of time everyday to their hobby, while having young children, let alone a child with more complex needs? Absolutely was this guy's choice to be an older father, he now needs to pull his socks up and deal with it! (Which is totally different to wanting time to enjoy your hobby as a grandfather.) Parent your own children ffs.

@RoseMartha

My DD1 (9) sounds very similar to your DC. She can behave just like that and it's exhausting. She hurls things around, trashes the room she's in, and she lashes out physically at DD2 (6). She also can be extremely rude and disrespectful.
Frequently by the time my DH comes home, between 6-6:30pm, I'm absolutely shattered.

Her problems stem from being adopted, and also a head injury when she was in foster care as a baby (she came to us aged 1).

She doesn't get to sleep before 11pm most nights, though thankfully she does sleep through the night. But unfortunately, DD2 often wakes up through the night and comes through to our bed.

So yes, I do get why your DH wants to put him into childcare for the whole day. We sometimes use the Fun Zone, but only during the school holidays, and that's more because there is a risk to DD2's safety, and mine now.

But in the case of the OP, her DH is wanting to do this to have more time for his hobbies. If you have a DC with SEN, you can't expect to have time for hobbies. It's often just about surviving day to day.

I think Lizzie has said it all.

@Lizzie48

Yes you are right it is about getting through each day and not getting to do what you want. I work 7-12 hours a week depending on week. And my child takes up a huge amount of my time. And if i get a bit if time to myself in the holiday it is a miracle.

Sending you a hug 🤗

Can anyone please recommend a good solicitor who specialises in relocation with kids?

Hugs for you as well, @RoseMartha Are you getting support IRL?

Yes, it's exhausting. We're finally getting the help we need through Post Adoption Support but it's been such a long haul.

My DH has his hobbies, too. He's a steam train enthusiast. He went for a ride on the North Yorks Steam Railway with a friend for his 50th birthday, and has once or twice in the last few years visited model railway exhibitions. But mostly he settles for going to York Railway Museum with our DDs.

That's what really annoys me about the OP's DH, he's just so very selfish.