DH wants me to quit

[ShoesAndFood]

So DH wants me to quit my career, he doesn’t want me to stop working altogether, just to get a normal 9-5 job. In fairness it’s very long and unpredictable hours (think coming home at 10pm-midnight often).

I love it, I worked very hard to get to this point, it pays extremely well and I want to keep doing it for a few more years at least. But I can’t make plans Mon-Fri because of its unpredictability.

The thing is, I see his point, I can see why someone wouldn’t want a partner like this. But I’ve always made it clear this was what I wanted when we were at uni, it allows us to build significant savings and I’m proud of my achievements. I resent how unsupportive he has been, we have been going through a bad time for the last year, I feel he’s being very sexist. He even joked about how he needs to get me pregnant because then that’ll change my priorities and stay home more. His parents spend every second of every day together. He feels that’s normal, he doesn’t think married people should socialize separately or have separate hobbies. I want my own life, my career, my friends. He says I’m self centered, I find him suffocating. What do I do? If I quit, I’ll never forgive him or myself. If I don’t quit, I’m ending our marriage. But if things were better between us, if he could show he could be supportive, I would want to be home more and quit this sometimes stupid lifestyle, right?

I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to be one of those people that choose career over a marriage. They always regret it, right?

Don't quit. Please don't quit. If he leaves you for wanting to have a career then fuck him. Ultimatums are unfair.

He wants you pregnant so you depend on him
He wants you to do everything with him

Divorce divorce divorce. Fuck that.

Someone wise once said you can choose a man or your career but your career won't wake up one morning and say it doesn't love you anymore.

Seriously op you must be quite a driven capable woman for this kind of work. Use that and escape..

Don't quit!! Please!

The thing is, it’s an incredibly difficult career, I’m not sure how long I can keep going anyway. But it’s been made 10x more difficult because of how unsupportive he has been from the very beginning. If I come home late and complain I’m tired, he shouts at me and tells me it’s my fault. If I have a bad day, he asks me why do I care. And I see all these people around me with sympathetic spouses and think how much shit I’m gonna get when I’m home...

If we had a good relationship, it would be such an easy decision!!!

Don't quit - if you do, there will be something else that you need to stop before too long - maybe seeing friends, going to the gym etc etc. If and when you do decide to try for a baby then yes, it won't be sustainable but for the near future I would do exactly what you are doing.

The bit about no separate socialising or hobbies sounds worrying..

Don’t quit your job for him.

But I would look at why you’re working until 10/midnight regularily. That just isn’t sustainable long term - putting aside your relationship for a moment, how do you see friends/family, exercise, have down time?
It is great you have forged a career for yourself... but it sounds like it is all consuming - are you really honestly happy with that? Does everyone work those hours?

Having said all that I was in exactly the same boat years ago. Sort of - I didn’t work those hours but did work away all the time. OH was very unhappy. In the end I changed things. Then children came along... he’s not prepared to change his career to fit in with family life more. Am I resentful? Yes!

But when I’m not busy at work and come home in time for dinner, make plans etc, it’s honestly so good! Our relationship suddenly gets so much better!

So long and thanks for the fish.

You are two different people who want different things.

“He even joked about how he needs to get me pregnant because then that’ll change my priorities and stay home more. His parents spend every second of every day together. He feels that’s normal, he doesn’t think married people should socialize separately or have separate hobbies. I want my own life, my career, my friends. He says I’m self centered, I find him suffocating.”

Red flags! Red flags! Red flags!

He wasn’t joking about getting you pregnant. Make sure you’re in control of contraception.

And you are not selfish or unreasonable to want your own career and friends.

He has a very unhealthy and sexist view of relationships.

Be very very careful. He doesn’t sound like a keeper at all.

What is stopping you ending the relationship?

My work goes through phases. So some months of the year, it’s 10pm-midnight every evening. And some months it’s 10am -6pm

Omg. Please dont quit. My h did something similar with me and then had a personality transplant. My happy h turned into the meanest nastiest bastard ever. It is only because of my parents that i can escape him.

Hire a chef. Dont quit your job.

And if its important i have a professional career.

I’ve seen your update. That isn’t right. He shouldn’t treat you that way.

Quit him for your job x

He sounds awful, OP. It sounds like maybe you have outgrown each other?

What’s keeping me ending it?
1.He can be an incredibly sweet man and we have loads in common and a long history. He knows me really well and still stays with me. He has MH issues and I’m afraid how he’ll do without me.

1. I’m 30 and not exactly super attractive. 30 and divorced sounds horrendous.
2. Judgment...family, friends. I feel like I failed.

quit him.. keep your job..

YOu say that if he was supportive of you, quitting would be easier.

You say, if you quit you’d never forgive him.

I think you answer your own question.

And no, people who choose career over marriage don’t always regret that, but people who give things up to try and make a bad marriage better do, always, without fail, rue the day.

I thought people who put their career ahead of relationships end up really unhappy.

I know I’m answering my own questions. It’s just so helpful seeing it written by other people.

I have money, my parents would be supportive (I’ve already told them about all of this), I have all the tools to leave. So why am I staying????

I don’t want to be one of those people that choose career over a marriage. They always regret it, right?

Oh yes. This forum is just stuffed full of women who are fulfilled and treasured SAHPs (gentle sarcasm).

But really, I've literally just come from reading a thread where the woman is yet another who has given everything to her marriage and her family, is a wonderful wife and mother, and is realizing that her partner of many years has little respect for her and may be preparing to leave. It's a far more common narrative than the one you are mentioning. I think your DH has messed with your head...

Stick with your career if it fulfills you. 30 is still young. Perhaps look for ways you could segue into something more family friendly over the next five years - if that's what you want. Otherwise perhaps your DH could give up his job?

I thought people who put their career ahead of relationships end up really unhappy. no, women who put manipulative men before their life end up unhappy.
Mh-you can't rescue him.
You are 30 and super successful- that's attractive. And who tells you that you aren't?
Family and friends-fuck em. They will have seen how hard you've worked.
You say the lifespan of the career isn't long-what happens then?

He has MH issues and I’m afraid how he’ll do without me.

Not your problem and never a reason for staying in a relationship you are not happy in.

You need to quit your DH.

Quit the marriage.

Why would it make you unhappy to continue a career you love and worked hard to achieve for a sexist man who wants you pregnant and under his control?