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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wants me to quit

221 replies

ShoesAndFood · 01/06/2018 22:22

So DH wants me to quit my career, he doesn’t want me to stop working altogether, just to get a normal 9-5 job. In fairness it’s very long and unpredictable hours (think coming home at 10pm-midnight often).

I love it, I worked very hard to get to this point, it pays extremely well and I want to keep doing it for a few more years at least. But I can’t make plans Mon-Fri because of its unpredictability.

The thing is, I see his point, I can see why someone wouldn’t want a partner like this. But I’ve always made it clear this was what I wanted when we were at uni, it allows us to build significant savings and I’m proud of my achievements. I resent how unsupportive he has been, we have been going through a bad time for the last year, I feel he’s being very sexist. He even joked about how he needs to get me pregnant because then that’ll change my priorities and stay home more. His parents spend every second of every day together. He feels that’s normal, he doesn’t think married people should socialize separately or have separate hobbies. I want my own life, my career, my friends. He says I’m self centered, I find him suffocating. What do I do? If I quit, I’ll never forgive him or myself. If I don’t quit, I’m ending our marriage. But if things were better between us, if he could show he could be supportive, I would want to be home more and quit this sometimes stupid lifestyle, right?

I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to be one of those people that choose career over a marriage. They always regret it, right?

OP posts:
Cuckooclocks · 01/06/2018 23:05

Sorry OP this sounds like a dilemma. Do you know how many more years you would likely do it? It might help to put a time limit on it and then look for something else..? It’s a hard one, I wouldn’t quit because I feel it would create resentment and then the marriage might not work anyway. It would be amazing if he could be a bit more supportive :-(

Cuckooclocks · 01/06/2018 23:06

Oh, and the getting you pregnant comment is extremely annoying and would piss me right off!

MaryandMichael · 01/06/2018 23:08

This man wants you pregnant so he has more control over you.
He wants you without your career because on lower pay you'd be more controllable.

30 is nothing. It's young.

Run for the hills.

BewareOfDragons · 01/06/2018 23:08

Imagine you have daughters with this man... is this the misogynist message you want to send them? Is this what he is planning to teach them, that they should be there for 'their man' and not pursue their own interests and careers.

i would think long and hard, and then long and hard again, about what he is asking you to do. It isn't right.

CalmConfident · 01/06/2018 23:10

Agree with anyone else...but curious, what do is your job?

Original poster
ShoesAndFood · 01/06/2018 23:11

Putting a deadline on the career won’t work. I suggested it, begged him to let me continue for another year so i can build a minimum of experience so I can still get a good job in a related area. He’s dead set against it. He wants me to quit now, no other option, he’ll give me a few months at most.

OP posts:
ReturnfromtheStars · 01/06/2018 23:11

My lovely MIL was divorced at 30. Now a grandma of 9 at 70.

KlutzyDraconequus · 01/06/2018 23:12

I don't know where you are op.. but I'm pretty sure the hills be

nakedscientist · 01/06/2018 23:12

Oh gosh Imagine a lifetime of him shouting at you that it's your fault you are tired......shudder

30 is young, you have your whole life ahead of you, keep your lovely job, and find a lovely OH, dump this 'D' H.

thegrinningfox · 01/06/2018 23:14

Run!

GardenGeek · 01/06/2018 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jaxhog · 01/06/2018 23:16

Don't do it!! He knew this was what you wanted when you first got together. He isn't supportive. Leave now, before you start a family.

This would be deal breaker for me.

Original poster
ShoesAndFood · 01/06/2018 23:17

When I said this is what I’ve always wanted and was always honest about working hard and achieving something - his response was “I thought you’d change your mind once married!!!”

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 01/06/2018 23:17

He'll give you a few more months at most?

Wow. He thinks he's the boss of you.

That is beyond shocking.

I would tell him to get the hell out.

CalmConfident · 01/06/2018 23:17

Your update is scary...run!

Colbu24 · 01/06/2018 23:18

I'm going to talk to you like you were my daughter. You are young, intelligent, hard working and clearly enjoying a job you've work hard to get.
Depending on a man would leave you financially vulnerable. I'm just glad you aren't pregnant and clearly have a back bone.
Either he shapes up or ship out. Nobody should make you feel bad for working. The mind boggles.
Take care and be strong.

Jaxhog · 01/06/2018 23:18

PS. Of course married people have separate interests! It gives you some thing to talk about that is interesting. My DH and I have separate interests and friends, as well as joint interests and friends. We've been happily married over 40 years.

NameChange30 · 01/06/2018 23:19

I can’t see a single compelling reason to stay with him.

A bit of sunken costs fallacy, a bit of misguided sense of responsibility towards him due to his MH issues (are they genuine or do they fluctuate depending on your behaviour?), a bit of worry about how you will look and what others think (absolutely irrelevant).

Leaving is not failing, leaving is recognising that it’s not working and having the strength to admit and open the door to a happier life. Staying would be failing.

expatinscotland · 01/06/2018 23:19

You need to get out of there. He is controlling. He is sexist. He is uncompromising. And on and on.

Original poster
ShoesAndFood · 01/06/2018 23:20

Thanks everyone! It all means so much. All my friends are now mostly common friends i.e. not just my own but his too. So it’s hard to consult with anyone in real life.

OP posts:
Dibbosteme · 01/06/2018 23:21

If you did quit your job would DH be able to support you and any future children of the relationship? If not it is a no brainer.

If you want to stay married maybe compromise and agree to come home early on certain days so you can spend time together. Just make sure he is sharing domestic responsibilities and prepared to cook, so you don't spend the time off work running round after him.

When we were young my DH had one job for about 5 years which involved a lot of evening work. He would be out all day, then come home and expect to eat late at night, spent no time with our children. In the end it proved a stepping stone to something better, but I could not have put up with this indefinitely.

KlutzyDraconequus · 01/06/2018 23:21

30 is no age.

there is a better life waiting for you OP.
take time to find it.. don't waste more of your precious time on this waste of space skin sack.

Spottytop1 · 01/06/2018 23:21

Do not give up your career.

He knew where you were heading when together, if he can't support you then leave the relationship

SandyY2K · 01/06/2018 23:21

“I thought you’d change your mind once married!!!”

This is the biggest mistake people make. You can't change someone...and he has a very controlling attitude.

I wouldn't quit my job for any man if it was what I wanted to do.

ArchchancellorsHat · 01/06/2018 23:23

He does sound rather controlling. He knew what you wanted and just assumed that it would drop away once married? And gives you a deadline to give up on your dreams knowing that it means your career that you've worked so hard for will be over?

There are other men out there, nicer ones that will support you and want you to succeed. This one doesn't, and the marriage sounds awful, especially with the jokes about getting you pregnant so you'll be at home. You said yourself you'd never forgive him or yourself if you gave up on your career, so don't.