DH wants me to quit

[ShoesAndFood]

So DH wants me to quit my career, he doesn’t want me to stop working altogether, just to get a normal 9-5 job. In fairness it’s very long and unpredictable hours (think coming home at 10pm-midnight often).

I love it, I worked very hard to get to this point, it pays extremely well and I want to keep doing it for a few more years at least. But I can’t make plans Mon-Fri because of its unpredictability.

The thing is, I see his point, I can see why someone wouldn’t want a partner like this. But I’ve always made it clear this was what I wanted when we were at uni, it allows us to build significant savings and I’m proud of my achievements. I resent how unsupportive he has been, we have been going through a bad time for the last year, I feel he’s being very sexist. He even joked about how he needs to get me pregnant because then that’ll change my priorities and stay home more. His parents spend every second of every day together. He feels that’s normal, he doesn’t think married people should socialize separately or have separate hobbies. I want my own life, my career, my friends. He says I’m self centered, I find him suffocating. What do I do? If I quit, I’ll never forgive him or myself. If I don’t quit, I’m ending our marriage. But if things were better between us, if he could show he could be supportive, I would want to be home more and quit this sometimes stupid lifestyle, right?

I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to be one of those people that choose career over a marriage. They always regret it, right?

Divorced at 30 as a woman you have plenty of options. They reduce as you get older. Don't waste any more time on this loser.

Keep your career but good luck finding a guy that wants to sit on his own on weekdays doing faff all waiting for his partner to come home from work at 10pm/ midnight.

So by that measure, women should avoid training to be doctors or quite a few other areas of medicine, some areas of the law, detectives, any senior job requiring much travel?

There are quite a number of careers which have intensive periods, normal couples support each other through them. Nobody thinks its odd when women hold the home front for a man on this work pattern.

Wow...you haven’t got a good marriage and you haven’t got a good husband. Marriage isn’t about dictating and stropping. He isn’t happy in his job so expects you to quit yours so what? So you can be around to pander to him all the time? So you can be what your MIL expects is a “good little wifey” screw that. Seriously. Don’t quit! You’ve begged him to let you continue? Why would you do that? This isn’t Victorian England. You don’t need his permission to do what you want with your life. You are only 30!! Christ! I hadn’t even met my DH at your age. You’ve got another decade before you hit 40. Make it a good one. Dump this loser. Spend a few years working hard and enjoying the fruits of your success and get the life you want. What would happen if you were a vet or a GP or a registrar in a hospital? Plenty of women do those jobs you know and they ain’t 9-5 positions. So he’s only going to ever be happy with somebody who knocks off work at 5pm everyday so they can come home and cook his dinner and provide him with entertainment? He needs to sort himself out to be honest

'You begged him to let you continue your job for another year'' This is YOUR career, you don't have to ask or quit. Keep your career, leave the husband. I believe that you want different things. I think he wants a wife and children who stay at home. Keep your independence, your money, your career.

Re your earlier comment:-

What’s keeping me ending it?
"1.He can be an incredibly sweet man and we have loads in common and a long history. He knows me really well and still stays with me. He has MH issues and I’m afraid how he’ll do without me."

Read up on both codependency and the sunken costs fallacy in relationships, both of these are in your above point. You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in any relationship.

1. I’m 30 and not exactly super attractive. 30 and divorced sounds horrendous.

Most people are actually not super attractive. Better to be divorced than to remain with someone who treats you so very badly. Do you really value yourself that lowly?. Is this all you think you deserve?.
The worst thing in life is not to be alone but to be with someone who makes you feel alone.

1. Judgment...family, friends. I feel like I failed.

You have not failed anyone here and your family are supportive. Anyone who judges you for leaving is not worth any of your time.

Your husband needs to be jettisoned, not your career. You begged him also to let you continue your job for another year?. What was all that about?.

Make the next decade of your life a far happier one.

:)

Shoes this is not your fault. This life is not the one you’re supposed to have. This is the lesson you learn from.

To be brave and follow what your instincts tell you, this is your future, live it by choosing what makes you a better, stronger and complete person. Be the professional you trained so hard to be and never ever let anyone get in the way, unless it’s you yourself driving the diversion.

I read this thinking increasingly that this guy was thoroughly bad news and each and every update absolutely nailed the nails down one by one.

You can’t fix this, or change this. It’s not even real. None of it.

His MH issues are a tool to control you, you’re caring and he knows that if he’s ‘bad when you’re not around’ that you’ll modify your behaviour eventually.

Men like these (which was what was said as opposed to all men, the generalisation is for all abusers) are pathetically predictable.the tools they use may differ, the motives never.

Fly high Shoes leave him and his soul sucking abuse behind.

Thank god you don’t have kids with him, you can walk away and have nothing to do with him ever again.

I didn’t have that escape, I was 10 years older than you and had a ds. Now I have that manipulative fuck in my life forever. My ds has a shit dad and that’s my fault for choosing him.

Now 10 years on from leaving him, am finally in love with an amazing man, who loves me, my son and we’re planning to live a life others only dream of.

Mumsnet helped me through all that crap, undid the damage the abuse had done, and helped put me back on my feet

You can do this sweetheart. We’re here for you every step

Ohh and a massive hug for Atilla! 😍

Might catch up with you later, flaming DM stuff flared up again.

I worked long, unsociable hours for years. My husband could not have been more supportive. We didn't have kids then so it just meant he got to do his own thing when I was on nights etc, and he loved it. And, pre children, I would have totally felt the same had he had worked those hours. A night with the TV remote or a night out with friends. Brilliant! It gets more difficult (but not impossible) to work like that when you have to factor in child care, school runs etc. So pre kids is exactly the time to be working these hours if that's what's required to get where you want to be. If he can't support it now, he will be of no support to you once you have children. For that reason (and the many red flags in your post about him and your MILs attitude to you) please don't leave your job.

Lots of people have commented that he is being very controlling. Only you know if he is or if he is just a bit desperate to have more time with you and a better relationship

Actually, people in controlling relationships often don't realise that they are, it takes an outsider's point of view to alert them to the fact. This is how controlling partners get away with it for so long.

OP has given us snippets of what he's like.
He wants to get her pregnant, so she's stuck looking after a child.
He wants her to give up her job, knowing that it's only going to be this full on for another couple of years or so, until OP gets established.
He doesn't think they should have friends outside the relationship.
He doesn't think they should have outside hobbies or interests.
She's not religious enough.
She's not good enough (whatever the fuck that means).
She's not respectful enough.
His mother says OP doesn't take care of him enough (I think we all know what this means. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree).
He thought she'd become a Stepford wife when they got married.

All of those are red flags. OP's working hours are a red herring, he's just using them to justify his trying to control her. He wants her at home, playing the meek wife, servicing all her husband's needs, pregnant and looking after children, so it's difficult to escape.

You can't give normal relationship advice to someone whose relationship is so obviously NOT normal, because it doesn't work, and can actually play into the abusers hands, causing more abuse, and leading the abused person to thinking that they are the ones in the wrong.

Yes well said Motoko. That sums the situation up perfectly.

This forum is just stuffed full of women who are fulfilled and treasured SAHPs (gentle sarcasm).

Different perspective. A pps gentle sarcasm aside, I'd say I was "a fulfilled and treasured SAHP". (Well, I wouldn't actually say it, because it's nauseating, but I'd agree with the sentiment ). And I've had a job like yours (assuming financial services?). I got married, we decided we wanted to have kids, we looked at how things would work....and decided that, given it was pretty much an "all or nothing" role we both had, the best thing was for me to be at home.

The key point here, though? We decided. And, given ultimately I was the one making the biggest change, ultimately it was my choice. It's one I've never regretted, but it's a choice that I made with my DH. Not one that he forced on me, or badgered or guilt tripped me into. That's the red flag here. And I'm afraid to say that it's a big one....

Got as far as " he shouts at me"
What do you think you should do?

OP, your list of reasons for staying are all based on fear. Fear he won't cope, fear people will judge you, fear nobody else will want you, and fear your family and friends won't support your decision.

It's all "what if?" and what CBT calls "fortune telling" - where you're predicting what will happen. The truth is, you don't know what'll happen if you leave.

However you do know what will happen if you don't leave. This situation will continue, and get worse.

I'm not judging you for thinking this way. I married a total tear when I was 29 because I just KNEW that nobody else would ever want me. Then I stayed with him for 7 miserable years.

That decision changed the rest of my life. Not in particularly good ways.

If he can't support your dreams, he doesn't love you. Or, he loves himself more than he loves you. This conversation is 100% about what he wants, and 0% about what you want. That's not how marriage should work.

Total TWAT, that should say! Not tear. Although his twattishness did make me cry.

@motoko spot on. I didn't realise I was in a controlling abusive relationship until I left. I can't believe what I put up with... Looking back I wish someone had told me.

Definitely don't quit!!

However, being married to someone with a job like yours, please don't underestimate how hard it can be!

There is a type of controlling man who deliberately seeks out high-flying, confident attractive successful women, because his sense of achievement in crushing them underfoot is so much sweeter.

I’ve known a couple of female doctors stuck in terrible abusive relationships like yours (they were Indian and given the MIL/religion comments I wonder if your background is Asian too?). It took them ages to get out, ages to repair the damage to their career, and they had awful custody battles to even get access to their children (because MIL and the rest of the family poisoned the children’s minds against stupid ugly mummy, and there was a lot of financial and emotional abuse too meaning they couldn’t take the children with them when they left).

Having seen just one of those relationships up close I beg you to ditch him and not your career. You will easily meet somebody else - probably somebody with a similarly high-flying career who will understand and appreciate your successes. You can be so much happier.

It is hard being married to someone who does these hours. It is also hard when you are married too a soldier, rig worker, in fact anyone who is away for long periods of time. Sometimes relationships fail because of this. I would not allocate blame.

Quit the husband and keep the job.

My MIL said I don’t take care of him well enough.

And who asks if he's taking care of you well enough?

Seriously, throw him back. Why battle these shitty attitudes for decades when you don't have to?

In a way you could look at this and think you're not suited. He wants someone who he can see all evening, every evening, and that is at odds with your job. In that way you can't blame him (though I don't think you should give up your job) - it can be pretty lonely spending every evening on your own.

On the other hand, he is miserable in his job and wants you to be miserable in yours. He wants you to do a job you don't want to do, to not achieve your ambitions, and to take care of him. In other words he doesn't love you for being you, but wants to equalise the depression.

You are so young. I would leave and focus on my job, while bearing in mind that long-term it's not sustainable to have a marriage with such long working hours. You say those will reduce; if they don't, I think you'll struggle to find someone who enjoys living with someone who's working such long hours.

The 'not enough' list would only grow if you were to give up you career to become a sahm and he would 'justify' it by playing the sole breadwinner in a a job he hates card.

He knew what the situation was when he married you, if he isn't happy he can go back to his mummy.

I wouldn't quit in your shoes as you obviously love your job and that is extremely important.

But I can't help thinking if this was other way round and a woman was complaining about her DH doing those kind of hours and never spending time with her then it would be supported by some.
My DH does difficult hours and it is frustrating so I feel your DH difficulty there.
It's possible that you two are incompatible in your life goals and perhaps you shouldn't be together

Your husband is an unhappy man. And he wants you to be unhappy too. He hates his job but he sees how much you love yours and, you know what? He wants to be you. He wants to have the fulfilment and enjoyment and stimulation you have in your job, but he can't. So he wants you to quit to be as unhappy as he is.

What does he suggest you do instead? Or is he hoping that you'll get a nice 9-5 in retail and he can give up his own miserable job and live on your earnings whilst you do all the housework you don't currently have time to do?