DH wants me to quit

[ShoesAndFood]

So DH wants me to quit my career, he doesn’t want me to stop working altogether, just to get a normal 9-5 job. In fairness it’s very long and unpredictable hours (think coming home at 10pm-midnight often).

I love it, I worked very hard to get to this point, it pays extremely well and I want to keep doing it for a few more years at least. But I can’t make plans Mon-Fri because of its unpredictability.

The thing is, I see his point, I can see why someone wouldn’t want a partner like this. But I’ve always made it clear this was what I wanted when we were at uni, it allows us to build significant savings and I’m proud of my achievements. I resent how unsupportive he has been, we have been going through a bad time for the last year, I feel he’s being very sexist. He even joked about how he needs to get me pregnant because then that’ll change my priorities and stay home more. His parents spend every second of every day together. He feels that’s normal, he doesn’t think married people should socialize separately or have separate hobbies. I want my own life, my career, my friends. He says I’m self centered, I find him suffocating. What do I do? If I quit, I’ll never forgive him or myself. If I don’t quit, I’m ending our marriage. But if things were better between us, if he could show he could be supportive, I would want to be home more and quit this sometimes stupid lifestyle, right?

I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to be one of those people that choose career over a marriage. They always regret it, right?

OP, this man is not providing anything that you need in a husband. I used to be a hospital doctor in the days when that meant working over 100 hour weeks, including 80 hour shifts over four day continous weekends.
My DH used to drive a 30 mile round trip to the hospital, cook my dinner in the doctor's mess, including a roast with all the trimmings on a Sunday, drive me home when I was too exhausted to keep awake, do more than a fair share of the housework and gardening etc, was hugely proud of me, helped me to revise for my specialist exams, and when our DDs were born, took annual leave so he could do all the nappies for the first fortnight and give me a break. He always did their bath time while I was clearing away dinner.

He would never have dreamed of treating me the way your husband has behaved. Please leave your dreadful partner, and seek a man who will actually add something to your life, appreciate you, encourage you, allow you to be yourself and make your own choices about your career and when you want to work.
Your chap sounds entirely self centred. He wants a Stepford wife, who will wait on him at home and give up her career to please him. That doesn't sound a bit like the sort of woman you are or want to be.
I think you'd probably be happier on your own, and I know for sure you'd be happier with a decent man who loves YOU, not some imaginary version of you that he wants to force you to be.
I'm another one voting LTB.

yes, you will be home, barefoot and preganat and isolated, and then the abuse will REALLY crank up.
He doesnt appreciate you for you, or he would be proud and encouraging, and understand that career building takes time and commitment.
He just sees 'wife role' because now you are married, thats what he was expecting.
And no outside friends or interests? Thats really controlling.
If he has MH issues its up to him to get them fixed. You can sympathise but you are not to blame.

This sounds as if it has run its course. You both want 2 very different things, and Im sure he can be nice - its just the lure to get you to do what he wants - like he was when he decided you would make a good wife for him. The fact you mention religion really waves a flag - most of the main religions have some quite worrying patriarchial undertones, especially the ones where you will be criticised for not being 'religious enough' Religion shouldnt be a way for a man to have another method to justify trying to control you

It sounds really bad written down. It’s obviously not so clear cut, my job can be ridiculous and I can be quite stressed. I guess the real sticking point is he’s never just asked me how I feel, how I’m doing, never encouraged me to persevere and somehow expected me to just change or give up.

My DH works shifts, the wage isn't that good but it's what he enjoys. Sure I'd like to see more of him. I work 9-5 so we don't have a lot of time together but his work makes him happy. It's what he's done since long before we met and I knew what I was signing up to. We make the most of the time we do get and we manage a wee holiday every year so we have at least a week together. Please don't believe that you can't put your job first and still have love.

If you quit your job...you'd regret it and resent him. Don't do it.

They all change once theyve got the ring on your finger. They think they own you then, and that you wont want to break up the marriage. You are tied to them.

Your chaotic lifestyle makes him stressed, so do him a huge favour by leaving him in peace.

Please don't quit your job Op.

If he hates his job, why doesnt he do something about it. Or maybe he is one of those men who thinks life owes him, and he will take it out on his wife because he is controlling and jealous and doesnt want her to have anything good.
I had one of those. He actually didnt really want to work to be honest.and he was jealous of my job.

Hand him back to mummy so she can look after him in the way she is accustomed.

Leave him asap. You'll regret it if you don't.

All husbands aren’t like that nettletea

Mine was extremely supportive when I worked crazy hours to set up my business. He did the lion’s share of childcare and housework.

You don't need to be good enough. A normal healthy marriage is a partnership, not a job interview.

It sounds bad written down because it is bad. Sorry

Run for the hills. Don't quit. Don't get pregnant. Do well in your career.

He's not going to be supportive, not unless it falls into his idea of marriage, which suits him alone.

Do you want to maintain your career after you have children? Not necessarily the high-stress job you're in now, but in some shape or form?

If so, I have news for you: this man is not the right man to settle down with. If you think it's hard to maintain your career right now, with a DH who is actively hostile towards your ambitions, then it'll only be 100 times harder to do that with DC in the mix too. The only women I know who have maintained their career while also having DC are either very high earners or have a supportive DH or both.

To have a career and children, you need a supportive partner who will do his fair share of daycare drop-offs and pick-ups, take his share of sick days for staying home with sick DC, and do his fair share of night wakings or early wake-ups with toddlers.

This man does not sound like he has signed up for that AT ALL. He is imagining a future where you get pregnant, 'hormones' take over and then he has a nice, compliant SAHM at home to wait on him hand and foot.

I think you should move on now before you're too invested in the relationship. You clearly both have different life goals and different values. You're only 30, you have at least a decade still to have children!

Please don't quit. My career is just taking off and I love it and can't wait to see what it brings.. x

@Whatthefoxgoingon
I’m pretty sure nettletea meant all abusive men, not all husbands!!

I'm going to say, take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

First of all have you talked to him ?

If you want to hear my story then here it is. I was him for the first 2-21/2 of my relationship. I made things difficult. My partner was (still is) working 24/7 at the times it's busy at work. Yup no kidding. He'd be sleeping 3-5 hours and work Monday to Sunday and traveling shed loads with work. I was so unhappy. I loved him so so much and was hurt he didn't care enough to make time for me.

Eventually I had to have the talk with myself. Is this what I want?! And he's everything too what you mentioned about your partner. He's sweet, knows me well and been through so much. I accepted his career and trying to be as supportive as I can. I also when things are slower at his work make plans, organise things for us and he's a partner in this. Barely seen my partner in May and same will be in June but the rest of the summer (More less) is ours, so right now I just leave him, support him as much as I can but just letting him get on with his work. It's bloody hard and hats off to myself (even if it sounds wrong) as it wasn't easy to accept this.

I suggest you talk to him. And make plans for the future when things are not so busy at work. And tell him if he needs to change and you two need to work on your relationship together. See what happens. People nowadays give up on their relationship so easily.

As of me I'm in a happy relationship. And my partner is happy. We have our ups and downs but we are strong and it feels great! And I was your partner for 2 1/2 years and I'm so so happy me and my partner didn't give up on us.

“If we had a good relationship, it would be such an easy decision!!!”

But you don’t. You have a relationship that makes you unhappy, with a manipulator, and a job you love.

Sympathy, Shoes. Your H is behaving like an autocratic boss. There is no sense of partnership, no give and take, no communication from him other than criticism and making sure you know what he wants. Deciding to end a marriage is serious and difficult but imagine yourself in two years time with a toddler, under H’s thumb and trying always to please him. Nothing you do will be right for him, never mind what is right for you. Would you want to bring a child into such an atmosphere. You are young and can have years yet for your career. H may have MH problems but you cannot remedy that by allowing yourself to be spiritually crushed. I wish you courage. Good luck!

I just don't think this bloke really loves you for what you are, its his vision of what he sees he wants.

Sod him if you were my partner or missus I'd be proud of your achivments:-)

Perhaps thats the real problem whats he doingh does he perhaps feel over shadowed by you?.

Op if this is something that happens à few months à year he should really be supporting towards it if this was all year round he knew it would be the case from the get go of the relationship as he has been with you throughout you trying to obtain this career. I honestly wouldn't sacrifice your career for him because he has very archaic views of how a woman should be post marriage. Please don't quit your job he needs to man up and be supportive. Throwing ultimatums at you is immature and trying to be in control of you which is wrong.

he’ll give me a few months at most.

What the actual fuck? Tell him you'll give him a few months at most.

How dare he speak to you like that.

I’m not good enough, not religious enough, not respectful enough, not home enough, not supportive enough. My MIL said I don’t take care of him well enough. Add a stresful career where I am still learning new things all the time, I just feel like a constant failure, Objectively, I know I’m not. That’s just how he makes me feel.

It really is clear cut. He's just been messing with your head so you can't see the wood for the trees. LTB

OP you said it all when you said he really hates his job at the moment,he hates his job then he needs to do something to change that not deflect it around onto you!

MH problems are bloody horrendous for anyone that suffers with them but please don't stay out of pity that wouldn't be fair on either of you it really wouldn't!

The things he's said to you and about you are pretty unforgivable and as for being 30 that is no age now it really isn't,I was married at 18 and by the time I left my ex husband I was 25(we'd been together for 9 years)and I had two young sons,I didn't meet my now DH until just before I turned 31 and we now have 5DC and my life is so much better,my ex husband was like yours anything that was going wrong in his life was somehow my fault and my responsibility,nothing was ever his fault.

If your going to leave anything I'd be leaving the relationship not the job not when it sounds like you've worked really hard to get where you are and you love what your doing.