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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH wants me to quit

221 replies

ShoesAndFood · 01/06/2018 22:22

So DH wants me to quit my career, he doesn’t want me to stop working altogether, just to get a normal 9-5 job. In fairness it’s very long and unpredictable hours (think coming home at 10pm-midnight often).

I love it, I worked very hard to get to this point, it pays extremely well and I want to keep doing it for a few more years at least. But I can’t make plans Mon-Fri because of its unpredictability.

The thing is, I see his point, I can see why someone wouldn’t want a partner like this. But I’ve always made it clear this was what I wanted when we were at uni, it allows us to build significant savings and I’m proud of my achievements. I resent how unsupportive he has been, we have been going through a bad time for the last year, I feel he’s being very sexist. He even joked about how he needs to get me pregnant because then that’ll change my priorities and stay home more. His parents spend every second of every day together. He feels that’s normal, he doesn’t think married people should socialize separately or have separate hobbies. I want my own life, my career, my friends. He says I’m self centered, I find him suffocating. What do I do? If I quit, I’ll never forgive him or myself. If I don’t quit, I’m ending our marriage. But if things were better between us, if he could show he could be supportive, I would want to be home more and quit this sometimes stupid lifestyle, right?

I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to be one of those people that choose career over a marriage. They always regret it, right?

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 02/06/2018 00:11

Everything’s changed since we got married (well, since the immediate run up to the wedding). He didn’t use to be like this at all!! These past 2 years have been like this: I’m not good enough, not religious enough, not respectful enough, not home enough, not supportive enough. My MIL said I don’t take care of him well enough. Add a stresful career where I am still learning new things all the time, I just feel like a constant failure, Objectively, I know I’m not. That’s just how he makes me feel.

Dear God. RUN! Tell him to go live with his mum.

Jasperoonicle · 02/06/2018 00:14

You deserve better than him. Leave him x

whatyadoing · 02/06/2018 00:14

Do not under any circumstances quit.

NowApparently · 02/06/2018 00:20

He's done a real number on your self-confidence and self-worth, hasn't he?

You've worked damned hard to get where you are. Do not give that up for anyone. You deserve someone to support you, not try to tie you down with family because it suits them. There are red flags all over this, he's trying to trap you into a lifestyle he wants, and trust me, once he has what he wants he'll become a nasty bastard.

eggncress · 02/06/2018 00:24

Keep your job and give him a months notice to bugger off ( and that’s being generous)
If you left your job and became dependent on him it’s likely he would become more controlling than he is now and you’d feel trapped.

Tartyflette · 02/06/2018 00:27

It sounds as if your DH is jealous of your interesting and varied career while his languishes. That's tough but it's not your fault. You've obviously worked hard to get where you are and you're clearly going to go far but you have to put in the legwork first , which is very common in professions like law or medicine.

Most decent husbands would be proud and supportive of their wives , even if life is difficult sometimes. They should have the maturity to see that it won't be like that forever. If yours can't or won't see that, what kind of future do you see with him?
You will only grow to resent him if he prevents you from doing something you clearly love and are excellent at.

AornisHades · 02/06/2018 00:30

My friend picked career over a man that wasn't right. She had a few wobbles in the early days but once she was through that she's fine. She certainly isn't unhappy!
I was divorced in my 20s and dreaded the reaction. I didn't have any negative judgement from my friends and family :)

ijustwannadance · 02/06/2018 00:33

He wants you to quit your job because you make him look bad. You are flying high in a job you love and have worked hard to get to, whilst he is in a job he hates with no little obedient wifey to come home to who has no life away from him.

He is desperate to crush every part of you until you are beneath him.

Fuck that. Fuck him and his mother.
A grown man should not need taking care of!

You have your own career and money with savings. Now imagine how you would feel if all that went tomorrow. Leave while you can.

Blondie789 · 02/06/2018 00:43

I'm SOOO curious... what's your job? X

RockinHippy · 02/06/2018 00:44

I thought people who put their career ahead of relationships end up really unhappy.
^
if you picked a crappy.job over an amazing partner... maybe..

but you have a great job you love and crappy partner.^

THIS ^ ^ with knobs on

I had the glittering career & the shitty jealous of my achievements partner who was the same as yours sounds. Trust me it gets worse as the controlling behaviour doesn't stop there & will escalate if you stay, especially if you do end up giving up your career for him. I eventually left mine & I was a older than you.

I settled down & married the partner who was as proud of my achievements as I was & I was happy to give it up when the time came, because nobody was putting any pressure on me to do anything I didn't want to do.

FinallyHere · 02/06/2018 00:47

He even joked about how he needs to get me pregnant

That would be a no, thank you from me. Be glad that you have the possibilities that a career will bring. Look out for someone who is pleased and proud for you.

If we had a good relationship, it would be such an easy decision!!!

If you don't want the same things, best call it a day and go your separate ways. It took me more than ten years to realise that we were just not suited, ten years when neither of us was happy and contented. In the right relationship, you do not have to give up something that you want, to keep the peace.

As for shouting at you....that's easy, get rid and be glad you can support yourself.

He won’t support me why are you even for one minute considering making yourself dependent on someone who is not supportive of your hopes and desires? The 'only be nice when you do what he wants you to do' sounds so familiar from so may tragic stories were read here. Because 'other people might think you have failed'. They may actually be wondering what you see in him. Because he has MH issues? Not your circus, not your monkeys .. until you are, indeed pregnant and dependent on him.

Run, while you still can

eggncress · 02/06/2018 00:52

His mental health is definately not a reason to stay. You’re not responsible for that.His health, his responsibility!
It sounds like he wanted a more submissive woman and was hoping you’d become one once you got married from the sound of things Hmm... but things haven’t gone to plan for him so he’s not as in control as he’d like to be.
Be careful with your contraception ( go celibate!Grin)

vodkaredbullgirl · 02/06/2018 00:58

dont quit

HarryLovesDraco · 02/06/2018 05:49

Just because a job can be stressful doesn't mean you aren't enjoying it and aren't good at it. Challenging, interesting and high stakes careers can be stressful. That doesn't mean people should avoid them! Nobody EVER tells men they shouldn't go for the career they want in case they find it stressful.

MyOtherProfile · 02/06/2018 06:31

OT doesn't sound like you have a very good relationship and so perhaps it really has run its course.

However I am going to stick my head above the parapet and risk getting flamed here
If I had a 9 to 5 job and for several months of the year my dh was working massively long hours and we barely saw each other I wouldn't be very happy either and would be asking him to consider a rethink about work. I do believe there's some truth in the old saying that nobody on their death bed says oh I wish I'd spent more time at the office. It'S hard to maintain a relationship if you barely see each other.

The question really is do you want to maintain this relationship? Lots of people have commented that he is being very controlling. Only you know if he is or if he is just a bit desperate to have more time with you and a better relationship.

beetfarmer · 02/06/2018 06:43

Don't quit your job op. He's jealous of your job and your success and wants you at home to be miserable with him.
This won't change when you have kids. He'll control how much you spend, where you go, whether you can go back to work. Imagine trying to re enter the workplace with a child that needs to be looked after and an unsupportive husband.
Quit him.

annandale · 02/06/2018 06:50

The job does sound extremely full on and it is hard being the partner of someone who works such long hours. But all the things that would make his life better, like a job of his own that he loves, and/or working on his mh problems, or building his independent social life and interests, don't seem to be happening. His only view on the future seems to involve you changing, not him.

I'm afraid that at 30 I had the happiest day of my life - the week after I left my xh. Sorry that I gave up on my marriage, wrecked a home etc but the fact is i married the wrong man and 19 years after leaving him I can still have moments where I am overwhelmed with happiness that I'm not married to him any more. My god the sulks and the grumps and the panic attacks that melted away to nothing when I stopped doing what he didn't want me to do! Marriage isn't a prison it is a free choice. Make sure you really are choosing.

Quantumblue · 02/06/2018 06:52

OP he does not value, respect or support you. He should be proud of you. Good partners respect each other's achievements, commiserate about the tiredness and stress, take care of each other.
You sound as if you are doing it all with him actively pulling you back, not lifting you up. Life is too short- please don't stay with this nasty and dangerous sounding man.

QuoadUltra · 02/06/2018 06:55

You sound lovely, OP. Your husband is taking advantage of your desire to see his point of view. And he is not bothering to see yours.

Reading between the lines, it sounds as though there are cultural issues around his family/religion that expect you to act in a way that doesn’t fit with who you really are.

You must be yourself. Life is long and if you stick with this sexist, jealous, controlling man, you will not achieve anything like you could.

Do not get pregnant. Make sure you are in control of your birth control. Do not quit your job.

noseoftralee · 02/06/2018 06:57

There are red flags all over this, he's trying to trap you into a lifestyle he wants, and trust me, once he has what he wants he'll become a nasty bastard.

Think he’s arrived at nasty bastard central already tbh. It’s really worrying to hear all the enough statements not good enough, not religious enough etc.

It’s absolutely ok to want to be a SAHM and fulfil a certain role. It is absolutely NOT OK to be told you must fulfil a certain role and be punished when you don’t conform.
Unless you’re both super religious I don’t see where he gets off telling you you need to be more religious Hmm. That one just jumped out at me. You’re not conforming to a social framework which prescribed strict rules and behaviours for woman.

Right now you have resources and doors open via your career. It would be foolhardy in the extreme to give these up.

It is ok to outgrow a relationship.

thethoughtfox · 02/06/2018 07:03

Just think how his mental health, anxiety and hatred of his job is going to be when you are unemployed and have a baby and he has the pressure of supporting the whole family. His stress levels will be through the roof and you and the baby will blamed for causing this. It will be horrific.

Fairylolly · 02/06/2018 07:11

You sound like me when I was 30. My exDH was just like this. My work was not something he supported. He wanted a marriage like his parents had - ie for me to rely on him.

I did not give up my demanding career with long and unpredictable work hours. Ten years and 4 DC later I left him. Thank goodness I never gave up my job and I am now able to support them comfortably.

I have a new partner who is so proud of me and very supportive of my career (as I am of his) - it’s such a lovely feeling.

It will only get worse for you with your DH. You sound lovely and you deserve better than this.

pissedonatrain · 02/06/2018 07:14

He is the problem, not your job. He is already mean and controlling. He would be worse if you quit. He sounds like exactly the type that once he hits mid 40s he would ditch you for some 20 year old leaving you high and dry.

Keep your career and don't let this worm of a man or his mother bully you.

eurochick · 02/06/2018 07:18

I had a similarly crazy career at your age. It undoubtedly is hard both for you and those around you. It's great that you have a plan to move to something else after a few years.

I'm sure my husband had the odd eye rolling moment when I cancelled plans for the nth time but he was always supportive. He has never tried to control me. I agree with the posters about the red flags in your relationship.

You sound like you have a great career ahead of you. Embrace it. Dump this controlling loser. Find someone else and start a family when YOU are ready.

Cadencia · 02/06/2018 07:21

He's a sexist, selfish prick.