DH wants me to quit

[ShoesAndFood]

So DH wants me to quit my career, he doesn’t want me to stop working altogether, just to get a normal 9-5 job. In fairness it’s very long and unpredictable hours (think coming home at 10pm-midnight often).

I love it, I worked very hard to get to this point, it pays extremely well and I want to keep doing it for a few more years at least. But I can’t make plans Mon-Fri because of its unpredictability.

The thing is, I see his point, I can see why someone wouldn’t want a partner like this. But I’ve always made it clear this was what I wanted when we were at uni, it allows us to build significant savings and I’m proud of my achievements. I resent how unsupportive he has been, we have been going through a bad time for the last year, I feel he’s being very sexist. He even joked about how he needs to get me pregnant because then that’ll change my priorities and stay home more. His parents spend every second of every day together. He feels that’s normal, he doesn’t think married people should socialize separately or have separate hobbies. I want my own life, my career, my friends. He says I’m self centered, I find him suffocating. What do I do? If I quit, I’ll never forgive him or myself. If I don’t quit, I’m ending our marriage. But if things were better between us, if he could show he could be supportive, I would want to be home more and quit this sometimes stupid lifestyle, right?

I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to be one of those people that choose career over a marriage. They always regret it, right?

So long and thanks for the fish.

You are two different people who want different things.

Well in terms of career, most people move into something in the same area that is easier and family friendly - but these positions require 3-5 years experience. That has always been my plan. But he wants me to quit now. He won’t support me. And it’s so hard to keep going at it if he’s so negative it about it all the time.

It seems obvious to me!

I thought people who put their career ahead of relationships end up really unhappy.

if you picked a crappy.job over an amazing partner... maybe..

but you have a great job you love and crappy partner.

*If I come home late and complain I’m tired, he shouts at me and tells me it’s my fault. If I have a bad day, he asks me why do I care. And I see all these people around me with sympathetic spouses and think how much shit I’m gonna get when I’m home...

If we had a good relationship, it would be such an easy decision!!!*

I think you should quit, however that should be the marriage and not the job.

Absolute no brainer. Dump the sexist twat who is glorying in the idea of restricting your freedom and undermining your achievements.

You have no marriage. Act accordingly.

DO. NOT. QUIT. YOUR. JOB.

My horrible relative wanted his wife to quit her job. She didn't. He became more and more abusive and controlling, plus he was appalling with money in debt to his eyeballs, and it was only because she held onto her job that she was able to get out.

You choose a relationship over a career if the relationship is fulfulling and the career isn't. Not through fear. And dear god don't let his MH issues tie you to an abuser.

(Oh 30 and divorced with a great job is waaaay better than 50, controlled in a horrible marriage for 2 decades with nothing of her own.)

More red flags than a Maoist convention.

No, no, no, no, no!

Do not allow this person to get pregnant. Do not quit your job for him. Do not stay married to him.

I understand why he's asking you that, but if you don't want to change then end your marriage. You can't stay with someone because of their MH issues.

Do you even want kids anyway? I can't see how it'd fit with your career. He seems like he's hinting he wants them in a jokey way, so if you don't have the same wants and major needs aren't being met it's not a successful marriage, unless something changes.

Do not quit. Dump the twat. You're 30, that's spring chicken. Life's too short to spend it with someone holding you back.

I love it, I worked very hard to get to this point, it pays extremely well and I want to keep doing it for a few more years at least.

It's like your H doesn't know you. And he wants you to be someone you are not by asking you to quit. He wants you earning but in his terms. So he can be happy.

Where are you in this? He doesn't see you - just what he wants.

You won't be working like this forever and you have a plan career wise.

Don't leave your job for someone who doesn't seem to know you at all.

Do not quit. And be very very careful of your birth control.

He is nice to you when you don't work because he wants you to do what he wants.

I can understand him on one level - your work does sound very full-on. But you are 30. That's when we work full-on. I spent years with dh working call, doing 48 hours on, going in on weekends, being exhausted. I didn't yell at him or not let him complain. That was what he wanted for his career, we didn't have children, we got enough time together.

I really don't see this working. And not leaving because you worry about his mh if you do, isn't good.

Why are you Staying?

One because there are some good times and you want to believe it could be like that all the time- sadly your DH is telling you it will only be like that on his terms, in which case the relationship becomes a whole different deal.

Two because you think having the strength to call time in some way equals a defeat. I could never be with a man who talked of getting me pregnant, let alone as a means of control over me. I wouldn’t see ending that kind of relationship as failing in any way.

I thought people who put their career ahead of relationships end up really unhappy

a) Men put careers ahead of relationships all the time b) people who put their career ahead of the right relationship may come to regret it, but any career is more important than the wrong relationship.

I post on here all the time to help others (NC for this) but I don’t think I realized until now how helpful it is to see it all in black and white from others. Thank you all. I know what i need to do, I just needed someone to tell me I’m not insane/throwing away my chance at happiness/being selfish.

another.... DO NOT QUIT....

Wow classic text book

Make you quit your job
Get you pregnant

Trapped in an abusive relationship

When you're a full time mum he will be jealous if the children, that's when the violence starts.

Quit him

He will leave you with nothing if you stay.

I’ve heard this said before on mn and it is so true

‘When someone tells you who they are, believe them’

This man is not your partner. He does not believe your needs are as important as his. He is not a ‘sweet man’, he simply acts like one when he’s getting his own way. His mental health problems are not your responsibility

Do not quit for this man. If staying in the career you love ends your marriage then I’m afraid it was always doomed to fail

He sees any future children as nothing more than human handcuffs, binding you to him and a life of drudgery. This does not suggest that he would be a good father.

At no point do you mention loving him.

I think it's clear what you really want to do, hard as it might be to admit it.

30 is not old! My sis broke up with partner she'd been with for 12 years at 30, and was married to a lovely guy a few years later. Please don't do yourself down and don't think you can do better and it's too late for you.

I'm really not one to advise leaving, as I can't see the whole picture in this context, but you really need to in the very least talk about what you want and whether this is compatible. Though TBH none of your reasons to stay sound great. They come over as:

• Well, he's there and I'm used to him
• I feel responsible for him
• No one else will want me
• Leaving him would be embarrassing

Good fulfilling careers/jobs are rare. Dickhead other halves are common. Why chuck something that's rare (job) for something that can be picked up almost anywhere (OH). Makes no sense. Keep job; dump OH.

Let me tell you something. I gave up EVERYTHING for my stbxh and I had a great career too. Dont do it. I am now just 44, been separated a year and while we had many good years, I wish I hadnt given up my career and stood firm in everything else that I left behind...

My life is amazing now, I have lots of great friends, family, my kids and a new guy in my life. Being supportive is part and parcel of a great partnership. Your DH is lacking.

It starts with one thing, then its another and before you know it you turn into a stepford wife. Please, leave and I dont say LTB ever!

His joke about getting me pregnant really grates. He said it in a “look what other men out there figured out they could do”. I didn’t laught at the time and it really bothered me. It’s what prompted me to post here tbh.