DH wants me to quit

[ShoesAndFood]

So DH wants me to quit my career, he doesn’t want me to stop working altogether, just to get a normal 9-5 job. In fairness it’s very long and unpredictable hours (think coming home at 10pm-midnight often).

I love it, I worked very hard to get to this point, it pays extremely well and I want to keep doing it for a few more years at least. But I can’t make plans Mon-Fri because of its unpredictability.

The thing is, I see his point, I can see why someone wouldn’t want a partner like this. But I’ve always made it clear this was what I wanted when we were at uni, it allows us to build significant savings and I’m proud of my achievements. I resent how unsupportive he has been, we have been going through a bad time for the last year, I feel he’s being very sexist. He even joked about how he needs to get me pregnant because then that’ll change my priorities and stay home more. His parents spend every second of every day together. He feels that’s normal, he doesn’t think married people should socialize separately or have separate hobbies. I want my own life, my career, my friends. He says I’m self centered, I find him suffocating. What do I do? If I quit, I’ll never forgive him or myself. If I don’t quit, I’m ending our marriage. But if things were better between us, if he could show he could be supportive, I would want to be home more and quit this sometimes stupid lifestyle, right?

I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to be one of those people that choose career over a marriage. They always regret it, right?

This reads like a reverse to me. My two pence worth is to let him go and find someone who has more compatible views on what makes a marriage. I have had some extremely unhappy times with my workaholic career obsessed husband and if I had my time again I would not have married him.

What’s keeping me ending it?
1.He can be an incredibly sweet man and we have loads in common and a long history. He knows me really well and still stays with me. He has MH issues and I’m afraid how he’ll do without me.
2. I’m 30 and not exactly super attractive. 30 and divorced sounds horrendous.
3. Judgment...family, friends. I feel like I failed

I am currently ending my marriage and my H moves out this weekend.
I should have left 17 years ago but kept staying because he had serious mental health problems and he always threatened suicide and I wondered how he would manage without me.
But lately I realised that this is not my problem and if he takes his own life then he only has himself to blame and needs to take responsibility.

I am going to be 37, maybe 38 and divorced - you don't even have to tell people your relationship status.

I am also embarrassed as I worry what people will say but at the end of the day they have not walked any steps in my shoes and if they had they would understand.

But I can’t make plans Mon-Fri because of its unpredictability.

^I wouldn’t have married someone like you.
Working until 10pm/ midnight sounds like a crap life. When do you get to socialise, wind down? Just the weekends?

What's your job?

Erm... I don’t think he is such a bad person, in fact, I think if you were a man, people would be telling you how selfish you are and that your wife is right to feel like like that.

The way I see it is that you are NOT compatible, you are NOT what he wants, he is NOT want you want.

Staying just because you think is dreadful getting divorced at 30 is the most ridiculous excuse for staying I have ever heard in Mumsnet 😁. Sorry but you have no children, a career that pays well, nothing that stops you but what would the people think if you are divorced by 30?

Leave, put your career first and eventually you will feel like focusing less in your career and more in your relationship and that would be the time to settle down. Not now.

Oh OP I really feel for you. I think you know how important it is that you stick with your career. I appreciate that you've said that the hours are relentless but you've said you have a plan to build up experience and then move to a role with more regular hours- so you have thought about this carefully and have a plan that works for you.

Your H does sound very unreasonable. He should not have made assumptions that you'd change once married. That was dishonest of him. Your job is important to you, and as such it should be important to him too.

Sadly I think even if you quit your job your H would continue to be controlling in other areas of life, plus blaming you for exacerbating his MH problems. Having children together feels very unwise IMO- they bring chaos, lack of sleep and I'm sure H would have string views on their upbringing which could prove very decisive.

Your post towards the start of the thread listing reasons to stay made me sad. OP, these aren't good reasons to stay. In particular your comment about attractiveness struck a chord. Knowing your own mind, living your own life are very very attractive qualities!

Please believe me when I say 30 is very very young to consider starting again. You have a long life ahead of you and the sooner you start living it without this pressure to quit something important to you the better.

Wow! He sounds like a total sexist. You have a job you love and yet you have to walk on egg shells around him when ever you need to be more flexible with the working hours, as that’s part of your job, other wise he gets upset and tells you off? He doesn’t sound supportive at all, he just wants to control you. Don’t waste your life and potential opportunities.

And you have to know that once you have a child with someone like this, it’s game over and you will essentially be under his control! 30 is so young, you still have so much to look forward to, experience.

I disagree with the poster who said working 10-midnight means you can't wind down, socialise etc..

You can still do all these things, albeit in a less conventional way.

It is possible to relax, have fun and socialise during the daytime. Plus OP may have weekends available.

Keep job. Leave husband. PLEASE

I gave up a university place for a man many years ago. Worst mistake of my life.
Now I wouldn't give up my seat on the bus for one.
Please don't give up your career.

"I begged him to let me continue for another year."

That statement made my blood run cold. You shouldn't have to beg anyone, let alone your partner, to continue your career. Imagine what he'd be like if you had kids. RUN.

Quit the husband, keep the career.

If you give up your job he'll know he has control over you and I bet he still won't be happy and will find something else to moan about.

I'm not a big proponent of the LTB cries that sometimes abound on here... but I'd seriously consider LTB.

You had to beg him to continue? He doesn't own you, he's not your boss!
A marriage should be an equal partnership, you don't sound like an equal to me.

He sounds controlling and borderline abusive.

OP I’ve seen both sides to this situation....
When I was in my 20s I had a job, not a career. I loved it though and was good at it. I was offered a promotion to supervisor which would’ve meant more hours and money. I had only been married a year and spoke to my DH about what to do. Consequently I declined the promotion and was pregnant with DD 6 months later.

Roll on 30 years... my DD works in London, she’s in management and is climbing the ladder. It’s stressful but moreover she loves it.
I love the independence it gives her and have always said to her to keep her career, no matter what!!
Marraige and children will probably come one day and I just want her to have the independence her career gives her, so she has the complete freedom of choice to just walk away from the marraige if it didn’t work out.
My marraige did work out, for the most part..but I eventually gave up my job when I had DD and was a SAHM. I never really went back to work.
If I had the choice of taking the promotion now, I wouldn’t even need to think about it and I certainly wouldn’t be consulting DH about it!!

At least I have the benefit of being post menopausal now, which has made me wake up and smell the coffee...DH gets consulted about very little these days

Point being OP from someone older and wiser.... KEEP YOUR CAREER...you would NEVER regret it. But you would one day regret giving it up, I promise you.

Keep your career but good luck finding a guy that wants to sit on his own on weekdays doing faff all waiting for his partner to come home from work at 10pm/ midnight.

I got divorced at 30 from a man who was unsupportive of my choices and was also very controlling. He also had mental health issues and threatened suicide and said he'd never find anyone else and I'd ruined his life by leaving. Funny how it was okay for him to have the stressful career and work all hours but not right when I did the same.

People were incredibly supportive and those that judged weren't good friends to begin with. People will want you to be happy.

I was remarried by 32 to the most amazing supportive man. I have a really busy and stressful job now but I get nothing but support....and we have a child. I'm flying in my job and that's down to the support I get at home.

Of course Ex-H didn't kill himself and has also remarried....he's still controlling and sexist by all accounts but he's found someone willing to put up with it.

He wants to control you. Your reasons for staying with him are crap. You aren’t happy. Fuck what people think and leave him.

@greendale but it's not that work pattern all the time. A decent partner will understand the fluctuations in work patterns and get on with it.

Anyway the whole not having separate social lives is a huge red flag

He sounds nasty and controlling. If you were to quit your job, it wouldn’t get better - he’d find other things to criticize you for. How dare he say he’ll give you a few more months? Like you’re a child to be told what to do? Do NOT get pregnant to this stifling man, and don’t feel beholden to him because of his illness.

Ditch him not the career.

I don't know anybody who regrets following their desired career but I know lots who regret giving into the demands of a controlling partner.

There's not a chance I'd be having children with him, cut your losses now and find somebody that supports you emotionally and is proud of what you have achieved. Not a partner who wants you pregnant and unemployed.

I can see both sides to this. Can't be nice to hardly see you all week and you're stressed when he does see you - that's not what he envisaged his married life to be like - I wouldn't want this tbh. But then lots of people work away mon-fri and leave partners and kids and it's fine and it works for them. So no don't give up your job for him, you love it, you're good at it, I guess it's just not working for him/your relationship.
Have you talked to him properly and told him how you feel?! Like a 'we need to talk' talk not just snapping at each other here and there?
Have you told him you don't want to quit for another few years so where does that leave us type of conversation? If you haven't I think that's the next step.
Good luck

Please don't give up everything you've worked for, for this man.

There is no chance that he is the right person for you, a loving partner will be supportive and want you to follow your dreams. My job can be ridiculous (I worked from 8am to 9:20pm yesterday) but not only does my partner support me, but he is a brilliant father to our DS, so I don't have to worry about DS on top of everything else.

If you are working in a demanding, stressful job then a supportive partner is essential. He's not. But even if you gave up the job he wouldn't be supportive either. Please do t be swayed by the good times - abusive, controlling men are also able to show a nice, loving side in the face of it otherwise they'd never get into a relationship in the first place.

My husband is the needy one in our marriage. I am much more independent than him.

I work shifts all hours of the day and night, have done for 17 years, and have a daughter. Husband does whinge about the hours but I am very well paid for what I do. We are in a good position asset-wise and my daughter wants for nothing. I also actually like my job, despite all the pettiness and politics involved. I say to him, put up, shut up, or there’s the door. He puts up.

I assume that the entire point of the degree was to get into this field so really he should have been expecting the long hours while you build up your career. You might never get this opportunity again and it will be the foundation for all your future career choices. You are also sensible enough to recognise that you can only work these hours for so long.
He sounds like a petulant child. During the week he could be seeing his own friends, concentrating on his hobbies etc. But instead he's too busy sulking.
The pregnancy thing is awful. I can't imagine he'll make a good father. If he thinks it's stressful having a wife with career he'll never cope with the demands of parenthood.

Adding my voice to the chorus of LTB! Honestly if it were just that he struggled not seeing you or whatever that would be one thing, but he sounds sexist, controlling and nasty. Do not have a baby with him!!! Run away, make your money and find someone who values your intelligence and work ethic rather than being intimidated by it. Good luck to you OP.