DH wants me to quit

[ShoesAndFood]

So DH wants me to quit my career, he doesn’t want me to stop working altogether, just to get a normal 9-5 job. In fairness it’s very long and unpredictable hours (think coming home at 10pm-midnight often).

I love it, I worked very hard to get to this point, it pays extremely well and I want to keep doing it for a few more years at least. But I can’t make plans Mon-Fri because of its unpredictability.

The thing is, I see his point, I can see why someone wouldn’t want a partner like this. But I’ve always made it clear this was what I wanted when we were at uni, it allows us to build significant savings and I’m proud of my achievements. I resent how unsupportive he has been, we have been going through a bad time for the last year, I feel he’s being very sexist. He even joked about how he needs to get me pregnant because then that’ll change my priorities and stay home more. His parents spend every second of every day together. He feels that’s normal, he doesn’t think married people should socialize separately or have separate hobbies. I want my own life, my career, my friends. He says I’m self centered, I find him suffocating. What do I do? If I quit, I’ll never forgive him or myself. If I don’t quit, I’m ending our marriage. But if things were better between us, if he could show he could be supportive, I would want to be home more and quit this sometimes stupid lifestyle, right?

I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to be one of those people that choose career over a marriage. They always regret it, right?

Oh and incidentally - I work in retail, Quite often onshift until 10-midnight. We don't even get weekends off. So it's not just highflying careers that work unsociable hours - and plenty of us have husbands and OH's who just have to put up with it (and the shitty pay).

That's where a discussion and compromise comes in @notsuredilemma. OP had said she has studied for and planned this work trajectory so if he didnt agree with that, why marry? She has highlighted getting experience and a few years under her belt before moving to a more family friendly plan but it's not enough for him. There's compromising and there's being a doormat.

Would agree with others, quitting work won't make the situation better as it's just a stick to beat her up about today, tomorrow will be a different stick.

Good luck OP x

Don't quit your great career!

What would life look like without him?

But it's really not about the hours OP works! It's all about control, so the gender doesn't make any difference.

Thanks everyone for the messages. Having written this down and read everything back, it really isn’t about the career or the hours. I’d give it all up if I was happy. But I’m not. My dad’s been very ill this past year and he’s given me zero support. Guess how many times he’s visited in the hospital? Zero!! As to my job (since this is what the thread about) he’s never once said a word of encouragement or that he’s happy for me etc. When we’re with other people, friends, he moans about how long I work and how hard it is for him (he wildly exaggerates how long they are as well). It pisses me off. I’ve been so sad this past year but now that I sit here, read things back and think about it, I’m pissed off.
And yes, there is a cultural background. We’re from the same ethnic background but his family is very traditional (not even religious - that’s for show only). This wasn’t a problem when we were younger, I was always very honest about not believing in all that patriarchal crap. He now says it’s become important to him and throws it in my face to make me feel like a bad person.

I actually think wanting your spouse home more is reasonable. I guess I just don’t like him anymore.

I know what I need to do, thank you everyone. Genuinely, thank you so much.

You know what to do, then... Set yourself free - you won't regret it.

to you, OP. Well done on your fantastic career, that is something to be proud of and a real achievement - and best of luck with whatever you decide in terms of next steps.

Fly high Shoes. And don't worry, you won't be alone for ever, unless that's what you want.

Good luck on your next steps @ShoesAndFood x (both of which are very important)

Wonderful.. Good Luck OP.. you sounds like a smart woman

So you can now add hypocrisy into the mix as well... I'm glad you have realised it's time to walk away. There are decent, supportive men out there who won't use your culture and career to beat you down. That's what you deserve - a spouse who is an equal partner.

Good luck shoes, you sound like a lovely considerate lady & you deserve so much more than this incompatible marriage. I'm sure you will feel so much happier when you are free of him. 💐

@shoesandfood I’m so glad you can see what he’s like.
And I agree it’s not unreasonable to want your spouse home more often. However there’s a difference between being a loving supportive husband who wants to see his wife and a controlling husband who wants her to do as she’s told.

Best of luck. I have a job with ridiculously unsociable hours. I've had partners in the past that really couldn't cope with it. My ex, who I was engaged to, eventually had an affair right before our wedding, because "I just wasn't around enough". He was also pretty unsupportive while my parents were getting divorced and I was finding it tough. Wind forward 15 years and I'm happily married to a man that totally accepts my job and hours, and has been there so many times when I've needed support without a second thought.

I used to think that I was asking a lot of my ex and creating the stress in our relationship- I now know I wasn't, the right person who loves you deals with it and supports you, just as you do for them.

Hope you Dad gets better. It is shocking he never visited, even is out of love for you. Your career sounds great, keep going :)

I was in exactly the same situation - I worked in a demanding job where the hours definitely were not 9-5, and my then-boyfriend (while somewhat enjoying being able to boast that he had a successful girlfriend) was equally keen to have a little wifey at home waiting for him. To the extent that after we'd had a pregnancy scare which would have resulted in me losing my job and leaving the country I worked in at the time (was in Dubai), he confessed that he was really sorry that I hadn't been pregnant as it would have forced me to leave my job and move back to the UK to him. While, like you, I couldn't see myself doing the job forever as I would have burnt out, I wanted to leave on my terms or after rational discussion - not because I was forced to or worn down into it. Suffice to say, we're no longer together. I'm now married to a man who supported me in that career and that specific job because he knew how much it meant to me after I worked so hard to get there, but who also later supported me taking a step back (absolutely my choice, which he agreed with) into a role with less hours and pressure so I could focus on raising our baby.

If you want to stop, then do it because you want to. If he's pushing it because he's worried about you, then discuss it. If he's doing it because he wants a wife at home (and the pregnancy comment makes me think that's more like it!) then don't as you may well end up regretting not only walking away from the job, but also letting it set the template for the rest of your relationship.

OP you sounds like you're in a similar career to me.

I go off sometimes for 8 days at a time, work 16 hour days, physical mad work, running round and barely have time to text. Sometimes I am on a stupidly long week. Then the hours go back to being a bit more reasonable for a bit, then mad for a bit again.

My OH is 100% proud and supportive and even when I say should I get a more normal job, he says no- because I would be bored.

That's not to rub your face in it (we're not married and currently with HIS job living together will be hard) but it's just to show you that men who 'get it' do exist. And when you have someone who supports you and who gets it, none of it is such a battle any more because they understand.

Best of luck, you deserve it and it sounds like you are good at your job too!

How are you doing op?