DH wants me to quit

[ShoesAndFood]

So DH wants me to quit my career, he doesn’t want me to stop working altogether, just to get a normal 9-5 job. In fairness it’s very long and unpredictable hours (think coming home at 10pm-midnight often).

I love it, I worked very hard to get to this point, it pays extremely well and I want to keep doing it for a few more years at least. But I can’t make plans Mon-Fri because of its unpredictability.

The thing is, I see his point, I can see why someone wouldn’t want a partner like this. But I’ve always made it clear this was what I wanted when we were at uni, it allows us to build significant savings and I’m proud of my achievements. I resent how unsupportive he has been, we have been going through a bad time for the last year, I feel he’s being very sexist. He even joked about how he needs to get me pregnant because then that’ll change my priorities and stay home more. His parents spend every second of every day together. He feels that’s normal, he doesn’t think married people should socialize separately or have separate hobbies. I want my own life, my career, my friends. He says I’m self centered, I find him suffocating. What do I do? If I quit, I’ll never forgive him or myself. If I don’t quit, I’m ending our marriage. But if things were better between us, if he could show he could be supportive, I would want to be home more and quit this sometimes stupid lifestyle, right?

I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to be one of those people that choose career over a marriage. They always regret it, right?

To answer a previous post, his MH issues are real but they get worse when I’m not around. He says my chaotic lifestyle makes him stressed and I’m making it worse. He has serious anxiety issues I think. The thing is he really hates his job and it makes him really depressed.

You're 30?

Leave this man. I walked out on my first husband at the same age because he was a nasty, controlling bastard. Much as yours is.

I walked away.

Not long after I met DH who is the best fit for me. We've been together for 13 years and have two DCs.

Walk woman, walk!

If he feels you are working too hard now, he has no idea how neglected he will feel if you have a baby. That is just as time consuming.

It sounds like jealousy he doesn't like that you are happy and successful in your career tbh.

This bit made me sad: He knows me really well and still stays with me. It reads as though he's made you believe you're an awful person and he's some sort of hero for staying with you anyway. He's trying to force you to leave your career before you have the minimum experience you need to get another good job. He talks about getting you pregnant so you'll have to stop. He doesn't sound very nice.

Divorced at 30 with a good career is no issue. At least you know what you don't want! Perfect prep for finding a good relationship and settling down to have kids. Most of my friends were single or divorced without kids at 30 and almost without exception they've settled down and started their families.

Divorced at 32/3 with a kid or two is much harder. Most of the men you'd meet are ideally looking for someone who doesn't already have kids. And you'd have to deal with your twat of an ex forever.

Screw anyone who would judge you for escaping a bad relationship!

LTB (note that if he'd agree to support you in your career for another year maybe answer might be different. But his attitude sucks.)

“He says my chaotic lifestyle makes him stressed and I’m making it worse.”

That’s another red flag right there.
Lundy’s Abuser Profiles have some good content on mental health and abuse. I’ll dig out the link.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

If we had a good relationship, it would be such an easy decision!!!

The fact you don't have a good relationship makes it an easy decision.
Think what he'll be like when you have kids, why doesn't he cut back his career? Are you as unsupportive to him?
Do you do everything around the home too?

You called?!!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

Nettle

Your age is the perfect time to build your career and he should support it.

His reasons for asking are self centreed and sound spoilt.If he was worried about you then I think I would feel sympathetic but his timescale sounds bullying.

I think having a full on career when you have dc is something men and women can regret as time with dc isn't something you get back but you are at a prime age for career.

I would tell him his demands are selfish and you offered a compromise, it is a red flag if he is only considering his needs.

Oh, and I am SO FUCKING GLAD I did not have children with my first husband.

I thank the fates on a regular basis that I did not make the mad decision to procreate with that man (it was his pushing for it that finally gave me the impetus to leave, and I'd been hanging around for similar reasons to you, age, judgement, blah, blah, blah. 15 years down the road is a very different landscape, believe me!).

Everything’s changed since we got married (well, since the immediate run up to the wedding). He didn’t use to be like this at all!! These past 2 years have been like this: I’m not good enough, not religious enough, not respectful enough, not home enough, not supportive enough. My MIL said I don’t take care of him well enough. Add a stresful career where I am still learning new things all the time, I just feel like a constant failure, Objectively, I know I’m not. That’s just how he makes me feel.

DON'T QUIT. DON'T QUIT. DON'T QUIT.

Please don't quit.

It sounds like you need to get out of the marriage to me. He sounds abusive, and his MH issues are not your responsibility.

Please come back and tell us that you have dumped the man and not the job.

The more you tell us, the worse it sounds, OP.

Run for the hills. Seriously. Do it!

Ugh. He’s the failure. He expects you to morph into a stepford wife. A form of suicide almost - self-negation.

Your choice is to sacrifice your life for him and be filled with misery, or leave him.

I've never met a woman yet who had to beg her husband for anything, let alone a career.
FFS, he is a twat, and sounds like an abuser.
LTB, give him a few weeks to find somewhere else.
Thinking he's your boss, if I were you, that alone would have him out.

Do what will make you happy and fulfilled and I very much doubt that it's saying at home with a controlling, needy husband. If it was the other way round, would he give up an interesting career to get home early to you and any potential children? Would you ask him to?

Oh, and I am SO FUCKING GLAD I did not have children with my first husband.
Same here (and was divorced at 25- better than still being married to the fucker)

'These past 2 years have been like this: I’m not good enough, not religious enough, not respectful enough, not home enough, not supportive enough. My MIL said I don’t take care of him well enough. Add a stresful career where I am still learning new things all the time, I just feel like a constant failure, Objectively, I know I’m not. That’s just how he makes me feel.'

This is who he really is. This is classic indication of an abusive relationship. Not respectful enough? FFS.

The thing is he really hates his job and it makes him really depressed

So his plan is that you give up your job that you love and pays well, to stay at home with your child, while he works in a miserable job which is now your sole income?

Not the best plan, is it?

Oh lovely, there’s only one positive reason you’ve put to stay with him and that’s because he’s sweet..sometimes. Everything else is negative or down to fear of what may happen. Honestly, in your position I’d start looking at my options without him. 30 is definitely young enough to start over and plenty of time to meet someone new. This kind of behaviour will only get worse, especially if you have a family together. You’re worth far more than this, in spite of what he tells you.

My MIL said I don’t take care of him well enough

Seriously, tell her to fuck right off, and him too. They don't see you as his partner, they think you're meant to be his carer. Of course, in sickness and in health etc we look after our partners when needed but he and his mother clearly think that's your primary purpose and that his needs trump yours. Sod that for a game of soldiers. You only get one life, don't waste it by letting someone use you.

Your job is great and your husband isn’t. By all means quit your job if it was the other way around! As it stands, just say no.

I’m not good enough, not religious enough, not respectful enough, not home enough, not supportive enough. My MIL said I don’t take care of him well enough.

It gets worse...and you want to quit for him? Please don't

He's old enough to look after himself and if you worsen his MH ... then he knows where the door is.

Don't get pregnant