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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

think I may have been right

957 replies

isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 06:59

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

OP posts:
escape · 10/05/2007 07:02

really sorry this is happening for you
Why not ask him first??
I am assuming you think 'Trevor' is a woman?
see what he has to say for himself first, give him a chance to explain himself, you have children together, if he is going to be breaking up the family unit, you deserve an explanation of why. x

Original poster
isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 07:10

I have asked him if he is seeing someone else or if there is someone in the background that he wants to start a relationship with. He has denied this. It would be so out of character but so is walking away from a new four bed detached that we bought late last year and two childen under 5!!

Plus, we hve had shittier times than this before and this hasn't happened (him proposing to split I mean)

OP posts:
earlgrey · 10/05/2007 07:10

Anything in his message logs? Check those first, then send a message in the same vein when he doesn't have it on him and see what reply you get.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 07:15

there was one message that said something along the lines of "your heads gone :-) let me know when we can meet up again, night night" this was sent sunday evening at 11.30 - he did no come come home on saturday night. It was birthday as well but he said he didn't want to go out as things are over btween us and i would give the wrong signal

I did ask him where he stayed, he said a blokes name I hae heard but that hes been out with once in the 8 years we have been together

OP posts:
escape · 10/05/2007 07:23

second earlgrey - try sending a message - its less confrontational, and you don't have to explain who you are etc... devious, yes - but you need some more info here, and he's clearly not going to give you any.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 07:27

i have asked my brother to phone and see if a woman picks up - if one does I have my answer and then I will confront him. I have never heard of a woman being called trevor. Plus, It would be impossible to send a message from his phone as today is the first time he has left it down stairs and not within arms reach.

OP posts:
escape · 10/05/2007 07:30

fair enough - but 'Trevor' may have a wife. All i'm saying is that 'Trevor' may not be a Pseudonym, and I just think taht if a woman answers the 'phone, you still need further clarification. Also, if you use his phone, 'trevors' reaction to your DPs' call will be different to a strangers. IYKWIM

Original poster
isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 07:36

i agree - had thought that trev may havea wife. Ifa woman answers I will then have to go either two ways

  1. send him amessage with the number attached saying whats going on, as I am going to ring this mumber now, so you tell me or i will find out myself
  1. phone the number and ask how they know him
OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 07:45

god - i managed to get to work yesterday just about - broke down a few times in toilets) and that was just cos I can not understand how he can walk away from me and the children. God knows how I am going in today - I feel lik I am going mad. I haven't slept in days, can't eat - have a permanant lump in my throat....

why - how can he do this (splitting) to the kids??? are people really so disposable now adays - ???

OP posts:
throckenholt · 10/05/2007 07:54

I may be completely off the mark here - but maybe Trevor is really Trevor and your DP is struggling with an unexpected attraction to him. He may be going through a real crisis - which is not necessarily a direct reflection of you and your relationship with him.

I would honestly sit down and talk to him in a non-confrontational way (or if you can't do that - write it down). Tell him all the things you are imagining - or the wild theories you can come up with - and ask him what is actually going on - and where it has all come from.

Whatever the reasons - it is a tough time for all of you - but if you keep talking you will get to the other side with the least hurt.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 07:57

throckenholt - finally I have smiled. thanks for your input but theres no way on gods earth he would be having a sexuality crisis - I can only just about believe that someone else might be involved as he is just a very loyal person - esp when it comes to family

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 08:02

trevor is tracey

OP posts:
glitterfairy · 10/05/2007 08:03

Throckenholt What a great post I totally agree. I dont think anyone should spy on someone else in a relationship especially if as you say you want it to work out.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 08:12

glitterfairy - i just phoned the number - it was voicemail, trevor is tracey - I don't beelive that people should be unbfaithfuln a relationship - but thats just me

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 10/05/2007 08:21

Have you asked him about it yet?

hertsnessex · 10/05/2007 08:28

oh no, what a nightmare. what are you going to do next? id be thinknig of kicking him out - and hoping he wakes up a bit - and if he doesnt then he is a total and you deserve better anyway.

cx

Anniegetyourgun · 10/05/2007 09:10

"I don't beelive that people should be unbfaithfuln a relationship - but thats just me"

No, hon, it's not just you, it's anyone with a spark of decency who has not agreed on an open relationship with their partner.

macdoodle · 10/05/2007 09:27

oh poor you about where I was a year ago really nothing useful I am afraid just lots hugs and sympathy - well remember the just making it through work with lump in throat...oh and FWIW I belive that being faithful and trust is the most important thing

maycontainstress · 10/05/2007 10:06

Just to add to the hugs and support isheisnthe, just take each hour as it comes, try as best you can to eat, keep your strength up.

I would confront him and ask him to leave. You and your dc don't deserve this.

I too have been there and know what you're going through.

Best wishes, come back when you can, we're here for your support. XXX

Original poster
isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 10:08

she is the mum of one of my step daughters mates, which is explains why he has been going over there so much! (obviously he hasn't been going to SD's house - but to hers

I phoned him, asked him to explain - he floundered lied then said he knew her, no he hadn't been out saturday night - so I phoned her - and she coughed - he also stayed there the night - fucking C word piece of shit.

He has betrayed me but most of all he has betrayed my 3 year old and 4 year old. I will never forgive that

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 10:09

he won't leave - its his house he says - its not - we own it jointly but are not married.

OP posts:
maycontainstress · 10/05/2007 10:12

Er, YES he will leave, it is the family home and his choice to get it on with someone else.

Stand your ground and stay strong. Leave work, go and change the locks, get all his stuff out. What is he going to do.

Don't be afraid, many of us have been where you are and come out the other side, my DTS were 3. You'll do just fine.

Use your anger and channel it into strength. You can do this. (((((HUGS))))) XX

fireflyfairy2 · 10/05/2007 10:17

The lousy Bastard

Do you want to work it out, or ask him to leave?

AFAIC the ball is entirely in your court. The cheating lying scumbag!

Original poster
isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 10:42

i love him - but do not think can forgive this - nor do I want to. I m devestated - as fr whether I want to work it out I don't have a choice - he doesn't want to - not thatI have asked but he has made that clear.

i'm not allowedto change the locks am i - and in general I am fucked as we are not married

OP posts:
maycontainstress · 10/05/2007 10:55

You are not fucked, just because you're not married, you still joint own the house and are the mother of his children.

Does he say he will stay in the house? What are his plans? He cannot force you and the dc out of the home.

Things will become clearer and less raw as time goes on. I carried on working FT and now manage to pay for my own house, I too thought it was the end of everything but if I can do it, anyone can.

Is there anyone in RL who can come and sit with you whilst you let it out and have a good cry if necessary. Whereabouts are you? I'm down south. Wish I could be more help.