think I may have been right

[isheisnthe]

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

i'm being pathetic - have begged and begged him - i am an idiot

i even said I would get the boys babysat tonight so tha we can talk - he just said "no, I can not! I want to put the house on the market and I think it best if I move out"

so at least being pathetic and needy has made him feel so guilty he has decided to move out.

But also it pisses me off that off he trots and I am left listening to little boys crying fo there daddy

it's so easy for men isn't it? they get to walk away and have fun while we're left to pick up the pieces. Take comfort from your children and if you have friends and family around then make sure you spend time with them rather than being alone too much.

You haven't been pathetic at all, just trying to protect your family unit and keep it together, there's nothing to be ashamed of in that, he should be ashamed for shirking his responsibilities and commitment so easily.

you will get through this and come out of it a much stronger person and you will be happy again. What's he gonna do? a few years down the line run off with someone else again and leave another woman in the shit? He'll end up a very lonely old man in the end.

Don't agree to selling the house or anything else he wants until you've had legal advice, as far as I know you have a right to keep the house until your youngest child is 18 or leaves full time education.

going to the solicitors at 2pm

sent him a text back saying

what have I done thats so bad? i'm totally at a loss? u have amde a huge decision without even discussing it - i love u, i truely do

no reply - theres a shocker

Oh isheisnthe, I did exactly the same, I even suggested we move to the other side of the world to give it a go, a new start. He wasn't interested.

Yes, I was devastated, utterly. After about 3 months of solid sobbing (not in front of the boys but it was hard), I focused 100% on them, it was fantastic medicine. He came to collect them with his girlfriend, I was gutted.

Nevertheless, 2 years later, I met a fabulous man who adores my DTS, I am a completely different woman and I am glad not to be with that rat. Not a day goes by when he doesn't regret going, all for a leg over, it is written in pain, all over his face whenever we see him.

Are you off to the solicitor today? Good luck if so. Please try and keep eating, keep your strength up. Your children will be your support, their love is medicine. Keep talking, keep letting it out. Have a bottle of wine with a girlfriend and a damned good cry, its cathartic.

You WILL get through this, you have support, you have mn, please keep posting.

Best wishes and great big hugs. XXXX

maycontainstress - thank you for your story - gives me some hope.

I have been thinking - the house will probably be a happier one with out him in it.

I can second that ...although my situation was not the same as yours, I was left with two children agesd just 2 and 4.

I can't pretend I was devastated as it was my decsion to finish the relationship with their dad and I asked him to leave, but I had my moments of sadness, self pity and despair at how I'd ever cope.

Less than a year later I met my DP and we have been together ever since, he has brought up my two eldest as his own and they love him as much as I do, we also have a dd3 now and (fingers crossed) I'm pg with my 4th lo right now.

I am soooo pleased I made the decision to end the relationship with their dad.

It's soul destroying when someone ppears to choose someone else over you, but remember. It's his failing not yours...she's not betterthan you - she's just different. If he had been with her all this time it would probably be you that he'd be looking at longingly - the grasss is always greener for men like him.
It sounds like he has a habit of escaping from relationships when things lose their shine, even temporarily...

Stiff upper lip in front of him now, you've done your best - don't beg anymore.
Do your crying with friends or on here, try and be strong in front of him.

All the best

XX

no, no more begging i agree - now I need to fight whats right for the boys - who are 3 (just) and 4.

Hope I get good news at the solicitors about beig able to stay here - but bet i won't

he hasno idea that I am going to get legal advice and thinks we can do this all matey mate - nutter

am not goingto even think about this other person - theres nothing I can do to influence that situation - he reckons he only met her last week and saturday night was the first time they went for a drink

I always knew the reason he wasn't keen to get married (we got engaged before ds1) was that he didn't wan to get "stung" again if we split up - o the romance

Good for you isheisnthe

Keep up the fighting talk and, it might not be as bad news as you think at the solicitors. Keep thinking positive!

Ive got my fingers crossed for you and will be thinking of you. Let us know how you get on xx

Isheisn't he - you should ask your solicitor whether she considers an application under Schedule 1 of the Children Act 1989 would be possible in the circumstances.

That's an order whereby the house remains in joint names but only you and the children live there, and your ex pays a contribution towards the mortgage etc. If you can swap your mortgage to interest only, and with your salary, tax credits, child maintenance of 20% of his net salary, lone parent benefit if approp, and child benefit, may just be possible.

When the younger child is 18, then the house is sold and the equity split. You can usually get a portability clause so can downsize if necessary.

Not many people apply for Schedule 1 orders but they work well in circs where the father has a fairly high salary and can afford the mortgage payts.

Oh God isheisnthe...I am actually crying reading your story.
You could've been me 3 years ago.
My DH had an affair for a year before I found out and I will never ever forget the feelings of despair and helplessness you're feeling right now.
It's no good telling you to eat because you won't. But you MUST have friends around you and stay on here. Post every single little feeling you have. It's incredibly cathartic to know people understand what you are feeling.
I begged,pleaded,lost every ounce of self respect I ever had to bring him home. He didn't come thank God. I often wonder what my life would be like now if he ever had.
I still love him and always will but what I've got now is one hundred times the life I could have had knowing what he was capable of doing behind our backs for a year.
But-if you want to fight for your relationship then you fight tooth and nail. If it works it will be a long hard road but you will have something to work on. If it doesn't then you will go on to be a stronger person, and independant person and hopefully a happier person.
My DS,s were 3 and 5 at the time. They now have a wonderfully happy life with a stepdad who loves them like his own and makes them laugh every single day.
Don't expect any sense from your DP for quite a long time. The guilt and fucked upness he is feeling right now will just turn him into a monster and he will say things to you that cut you to the core. They mean NOTHING.
Men in this situation have a canny knack of turning it all on it's head and making you out to be the one in the wrong.
Stay strong, keep posting and please please believe me when I say You Will Get Through This.

Oh-and I was married but I'm sure it'll be the same for you. Stay put. You have every right to stay in that house and bring your children up there as long as it can be proven that he can pay the mortgage. If not-take your time and find yourself a gorgeous little house where you and your gorgeous children can be happy again.

spook - i remeber your tory - I am glad that things have worked out for you.

Mumblechum - thanks for that info - will defo ask her about the schedule 1 thingy

can not stop letting the other woman thign keep creeping in my subconcious. how could he? no just to me but the boys.

I loved him (love) so much - maybe I wasn't very expressive and maybe I took him for granted but when alls said and done I truely loved him.

have just seperated all the washing so he has his own basket - if he wants to leave then he best get used to doing things for himself

So sorry about what youre going through. You seem to be a strong person, though. Im sure you can handle what will come. Im sure the idiot is going to regret what hes doing to his wife and children.

Best of luck at the solicitors. Do let us know how you get on. XX

my life !!! got to the solicitors early - realisd i had left my documents at home - reversed in to someone pulling out in my rush to get home to getthem - got yelled at - cried - the ladt just said don't worry then and drove off (thank god - i really need an innsurance claim on top of all this)

The solicitor has said that I qualify for lega aid (THANK GOD). She said that he isperfectly entitled to demand the house be sold and the equity shared - she said she realised this sounded unfair as I would be housing 3 people and he just 1 but thats the way it goes for cohabbiting couples.

I then mentioned section 1 thing - she looked shocked (thanks mumble) and said yes, we could apply that I keep the house(or all th equity) but it wouldn't be me applying - it woul be the children. so, thats what we are doing - he will get a letter early next week

fucking hell - the balls rolling now - he will not be best pleased as he thinksthat by not marrying me it protected his precious money - he' going to find out the hard way it didn't

Plus, she said that in order to qualify for public funding it was likly we would be forc to mediatn - I said good - I have asked him to go!

She was really nice and was massivly on my side - I feel shaky but better.

still haven'teaten a thing - its wierd, I just am not hungry

Yay. Good girl!
He will get the shock of his measly life when he gets a solicitors letter. Mine used to hate it with a passion and threw it in my face on more than one occasion. Expect the worst from his reaction.
I'm so glad you feel a bit more in control and very glad that you qualify for legal aid.
Try and stay positive-easier said than done though.
You're not hungry because your adrenalin is keeping you going. Try at least to drink milky drinks. Latte and wine kept me going for a good few months (not the healthiest diet admittedly!)
We are here when you need us.

Well done isheisnthe!

You've made the first step and stayed strong.

Can't believe the sol. didn't mention the section 1 thing, good job you knew enough to mention it eh?

Yes, the ball's rolling and look how far you've come already. You are a strong and capable mother.

I won't be around for the weekend but want to say keep your chin up, try not to falter over the weekend, keep posting. If you cannot stomach anything, Ready Brek just about saved my life (tastes of nothing, slides down, gives energy), go for that if needs must.

Also, get some RL support about you. Open a bottle of plonk and talk to your closest friends. You have support, and plenty of it here.

XXXXXX

Well done!

Now go eat! xx

isheisn'the [hugs

Eat a yogurt and buy yourself some vitamins. And make sure to drink. You need to keep your strength up and you can only be strong (emotionally!) for so long on a completely empty stomach

This would be a good time to let the mortgage lender know what's going on. They'll be much more sympathetic about any mortgage arrears if they know what's going on.

Also see whethr you can transfer to interest only.

Also, get forms for housing benefit from your local council now. If you qualify (and I don't know if you do), then the earlier you apply the better, as they don't pay anything for the first 9 months or so then pay the interest on the first £100k.

thankyou mumblecum - you are very wise on this subject - will let the mortgage lender know -

I toldhim that i had been to a solicitor ad what she had sad - he said fuck t then - I am not going to pay the mortgage any more and the house can rot.

nice........

I then said thats why he reall needs to seriously consider what he is doing. he said hes done. he said he would tell me all his problems with me:

I am misserable
I am never fun
I never make the effort with his family
I am an alcoholic
we have no friends
my sd's hate me an are not bothered about us splitting up

goes on and on. bummer is a lot of the things (not all of the ones listed) h said I have to take on board an agree with. I told him I would work on things, I would do what ever i takes - I asked for one month - I asked for a trial seperation, I asked if we could rent the house out fo 6 months and live seperatly and see how he feels then.

he said no - hes done

could not have done much more I don't think

Well done you for taking it on the chin and being prepared to take responsibility for your part in the break up.

Its just a shame he couldn't have sat down with you in an effort to talk to you about how he was feeling, you know, in a mature, grown up sort of way. Instead of running out on you then throwing everything at you in a vindictive way. Its your relationship too, the least he could have done was allow you a chance to say your piece before he upped and offed and slammed the door pretty much in your face!

Some of the things may be true but has he ever thought to think why you might be miserable or not so much fun anymore and tried to change things??
No. Has he fuck. He chose to shag someone else. See how much less miserable that has made you! Arse.
Try not to take any of what he says to heart. A long long time in the future you can look back on these and make your own mind up. But right now you need to focus on you and your DS's and getting through this awful time.

Please try and remember that you are the one trying to save the relationship and offering to make God knows what sacrifice for the sake of your family unit. You can hold your head up high and always will. Something that philandering twat can never do.
The nastiness that comes out of their guilty bloody mouths never fails to amaze me.
Sorry-ranting I know but it really makes me very cross that people can talk to the mother of their children in such a way..

I believe him also when he said he mette woman last week at a school function - he said he went out with her fr a drink on saturday night cos she was fun, happy, shiny and good fun - every thing I am not.

Wheyou live with someone 24/7 they get to see all the bad bits - he comes home from work and sees m after a day of work, then the boys in the afternoon and then cleaning and cooking dinner - so I am not looking glam in the least

god only knows what I am goig to do

crossed post spook - thankyou for that, I kno what you have said is true, itseven made me cry!!!

I am going to get the boys (booked them in all day today as I thought i was going to be a bad day) go to my mums an then come home and go to bed - don't know why tho - I can't sleep