think I may have been right

[isheisnthe]

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

send a message from your phone saying "who is thisplease? i got a message from you but i dont have you stored in my mobile?"

in the south to - near camberley - he fully intends to stay in the house and suggests we sell it and split the equity - I would not be able to afford to house me and the boys even wth my half (50k) as the housing prices round here are madness.

No one about at the mo - plus I hve to pick the boys up from nursery at 1pm.

how he has the cheek to come back here nd face me I will never know - I can not stop cryig and have just managed to puke on an empty stomach TMI?!!

i know ho it is lou - its tracey - not trevor and hes spent the night there - the fucker

y won't the CAB pick up thefucing phone

oh sorry i didnt see that

i'm so sorry to hear that

you can ask him toleave and you and kids canstay until they are adults...go and see CAB

i have a solicitors appointment tomorrow and have been trying to call CAB all morning. I would hae staked my lifethat he was not this sort of man - what a muppet - I have heard that so many times since I hve been on this site - you just never know.

I feel like I am goin to die (not suicidal before anyone jumps the gun)

oh hon hon be strong god I know how you feel - I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach really hard - jus remember IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!
Go see the solicitor she calmed me down was very businesslike not over familiar so managed to keep the tears to a minumum she gave me excellent advice and wrote him an excellent letter - unfortunately mine all went down the pan and he came crawling back but carried on with OW ...don't let him mess with your head but don't do anything rash just now....unfortunately I still love my dh even though he is the biggest pratt on the planet.....that is always the problem ....hugs

God I'm so sad and angry for you and I feel sick reading what you're going through.

After just going through something similar myself I understand how you're feeling and I too would have never believed that my dh was capable of this.

I don't have much to add, only that you're doing the right thing getting legal advice and speaking to the CAB. The only other thing I can suggest is talk talk talk. Make him sit down and tell you everything.
He may be running away now because he can't face you finding out the 'full' truth and is taking the 'easy' way out - running away, like lots of men do.

If you can get him to face up to why he was unhappy in the first place then you may have a chance to salvage the relationship. But then it depends what you want too. Don't forget - it's not all just about him. He'll soon realise what a twunt he's been - it's up to you whether you can ever forgive him and how things are between you from this point on.

Why oh why oh why. I just wish people would learn some self control and have some morals. the amount of people going through this on here is awful

Thinking of you xx

You will get through this because you have to. What doesnt kill you makes you stronger and all that. My brother isnt married and has children with his ex (actually only 1 is his but no matter) and she has stayed in the house and he brings the kids to stay at my mums with him every friday so she can go out.

The house is being sold but she is staying until then.

mls I have followed your thread and admire you for the way you dealt wih this things...

I love him - things are not perfect, I have let this woman walk in to our lives by ignoring him (as in the bedroom) - I have not really been interested in that side of things for a while - just because I am tired wth two small children and a house and a part time job to run.

I truely have no idea what to do. Doesn't look like I really have a choice tho.

our situation was similar in some ways - me being tired looking after a new baby and also working full time in quite a stressful job.

but our partners had a choice. they chose to look elsewhere rather than stand up and say what they were unhappy about and be men enough to suggest and do things to fix their current relationship. they took the easy way out. and now can't deal with the consequences.

the only thing that's kept me going is the talking. realising that things can be fixed. realising that the problems were with him, not me.

is your dh easy to talk to? would he open up to you? would he even consider relationship counselling - that can help whether you chose to stay together or it can help to make a separation easier...
it's hard to think of what to say. i wish i had the answer for you xx

i'm so sorry you're going through this isheisnthe. I remember as clearly as if it was yesterday the moment I discovered my dh was having an affair (exaxctly 2 months ago). So much has happened since then.

I got some absolutely fantastc advice from my thread (oh no, not another one, just found out dh having affair, or something like that)

At least mine wasn't a tosser about it, inasmuch as agreeing to leave the house to give me time to think etc.

I made him leave for one week, and if you follow the thread there's such a clear line in my train of thought which went through divorce, then amicable split and finally, right at the end, the decision to try again. And that's what we're doing, and it's going really well, BUT we were both clear about what we wanted, etc.

What needs to happen, if your relationship is to survive, is that you need to want it, and he does too (sorry, sounds obvius) but a lot of men (most?) find it very hard to end the affair, it may take them a long time. They need to wake up. The question is, will this take them a couple of week or months or longer? Mine came back after a week and I knew, although he said the 'right' things, it's over, he wanted our marriage to work blah blah, I knew he hadn't woken up, that his heart wasn't here. then one Sunday, can't really put my finger on why exactly, he had his 'Road to Damascus' moment, and despite the odd hiccup, I now know and feel he's back and it's going to be ok.

My advice?

1. Try and get sme space to think, ie persude him to lave for a week, do not leave your home.
2. Get legal advice asap, esp as you're not married (we are, but I did have the added complicatio ofliving abroad so not knowing if I'd be llowed to stay, what my rights were, different culture etc)
3. Don't make any hasty decisions. My feelings changed so much, just in 1 week. Act in haste, repent later.
4. keep as cool and calm as you can.
5. Keep posting, esp with me & mls!!!! Mumsnet was literally a life line for me. I owe the survival of my marriage to mumsnet. And regardless of whether your relationship recovers from this, whether you want it to, you'll always find endless love and support here from many many women who've gone through the same thing and come out the other side.

Look after yourself. xxxxxx

isheisnhe - my goodness, I will follow your thread with interest as my scenario is virtually idential to yours. Me and dp are looking to split, we are not married but the house is in joint names, have 2 young children, I work part time and live near Camberley. I have a solicitors appt on monday to see where I stand as we bought a large house last year so are mortgaged to the hilt and wont come out with much than £50k each if we sell. Dp says he wants custody which I know he wont get but even so the future looks like a battle. Will be interesting to hear what your solicitor says.

bugger me trifle - sounds exactly the same - we mortgaged up massivly last year to get our "dream house" Oh the irony

I am swinging from murderous thoughts, revenge (not by shagging someone but by askin my SD about this woman - she would never forgive her dad - I don't think) ad then wanting this to wrk so much its a physical pain. Have not had athing to eat today 'cept a cup of tea, and even that I felt going all the way down.

Took the boys to an indoor play place to tire them out and so I din't have to do anything - lazy mummy!

he know says that that nothing happened apart from a ouple of drinks - do i look like I was born yesterday? And even if that is all that happened its all so deceitful it leaves such a bad taste in my mouth.

I am going to get the boys in the bath and ready for bed - then open a bottle of wine and have a fag - and I'll get wet cos its pissing it down

update

have spoken to him - he said he met her on thursday when he went to sds school trip thing and that she had said he looked misserable - a conversation started from there.

he said he has hit a brick wall with us - ups and downs are not what he wants

I expalined that whn you have been together as long as we have with two very small children born so close together that live will be like that

he said he wasn't bein fair to me and that he has been treating me badly

i said I know we can work this out - i love you - he said he didn't want to

update

have spoken to him - he said he met her on thursday when he went to sds school trip thing and that she had said he looked misserable - a conversation started from there.

he said he has hit a brick wall with us - ups and downs are not what he wants

I expalined that whn you have been together as long as we have with two very small children born so close together that live will be like that

he said he wasn't bein fair to me and that he has been treating me badly

i said I know we can work this out - i love you - he said he didn't want to

he now needs to explain exactly why he doesn't want to try...

because he's sleeping with someone else? because he's too lazy and selfish? because he wants to leave his young children and be a part time dad to even more children? because he wants to break your heart?

you deserve much more than this. if he's been treating you badly then only he can fix that!

i hope he comes to his senses very soon xx

Message withdrawn

He won't mind buggering off while you have some space then

he sayswe have been here too many times before - he has "hit a brick wall" - I said that we coul smash it down together then - he saidhe was sick of "this" happening every six months or so

Usually "this" means a makor ro - but that hasn't happened this time

I caonly try my hRDEST TO MAKE HIM SEE SENCE - i AM STILL KEEPING MY SOLIcitorsapointment tomorrow.

god - men, women wen we have kids (usually) see it as a commitment above all else -that you are BOTH going to cherish those children and gie them love, stabiliy and grounding - men, when the going gets tough - the toug get going. pricks

its not COD typing by the way - its just a touch type key board that I have not got used to yet

Message withdrawn

sh suspected he was having an affair and kicked him out - he has always denied this.
anyway - spoke to him last night - he isnot interested in doing anythin to keep our family together and has said "I don't have even one unce of love left for you in my heart"

ohhh isheisnthe... what a horrible thing for him to have said
tbh it does sound as tho you'll be far happier without him, even tho it's a traumatic road to get there.

Take care of you and be very gentle to yourself