Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

think I may have been right

957 replies

isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 06:59

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

OP posts:
Freckle · 11/05/2007 17:43

Don't don't don't take any notice of what he says! Of course, he's going to tell you a load of shit about how this is all your fault because you are x, y and z. I'm sure he takes care not to mention his own faults.

This is just a pathetically obvious ploy to make out that you are the one who forced him to walk out on his family, not his own selfishness and inability to keep his knob in his pants.

You are worth so much more. And you will find one day in the future that there is a decent man out there who will take on you and your boys because he loves you, warts and all!

Chin up and keep posting. There is a huge wealth of support and practical advice on here.

hurtwife · 11/05/2007 18:10

Hi

I too have been there - be strong. You will get through it. Try and find osmething possitive each and every day, slowly you will find more than one thing and soon there will come a time when a whole minute goes by without your brain whirring around. Watch some comedy - if only to cry at it.

This is not your fault - you know life has ups and downs and what he and unfortunately so many men do is to run away from the problems. He is a coward for not facing his own issues.

There is hope if you want to work it out though and you will not be judged whatever you do.

Be stong and take care
Thinking of you and sending you hugs.

macdoodle · 11/05/2007 19:18

GRRRRR I am so angry for you exactly what mine did - as if they have done nothing wrong and honestly I think they believe it (mine included fat and didn't give BJ's)!!
They never actually think why we migh be miserable and what they can do to make us happy.....you are better off without him trust me I was devastated but we are stronger than them he will be the loser in the end - you have your dc that was all that kept me going xx

Original poster
isheisnthe · 11/05/2007 20:26

thanks all - ds1 just asked me where his daddy was and I said out at the mo baby, he said "i don't like i when he's no here as it means we're not a family"

i explained that not everyone has a daddy was that lives with them all the time - but I did not go dealving in to any thing else

DS1 is such an old soul, must not talk about this in front of the DS's again as much as possible

OP posts:
spook · 11/05/2007 20:31

They pick up far far more than we give them credit for.
you're right to watch what you say infront of them.
DS1-who is now 10-often talks about how hw would "never treat his wife how dad treated you". He even comments about falling out of love never being an excuse for cheating.
Another old soul.
They will be just fine with a mum like you looking out for them.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 12/05/2007 10:23

I have just ased my mum and dad if we can move in there for a while to try and give dp some space - they have agreed but think I am doing the wrong thing.

However, I do agree wih a lot of the things that dp has said, and I really fee like I need to prove to him how much I am willing to do to try and get things back on track (no - I hear you all scream)

He said he was looking for somewhere to rent today - which I think is madness if I can move out and it not cost anything - if we do manage to salvage something then we have wasted 700 quid a month + which we haven't got.

I have just converted the motgage to interest only this morning so that saves 600 a month.

I really hope I am doing the right thing

OP posts:
spook · 12/05/2007 10:30

Isheorisnthe-DO NOT leave your home. Please. I was all set to go and live in Ibiza. Boys school deposit paid,dog passport ready (!), date set and my solicitor told me I could not under any circumstances leave the marital home. I can understand completely your need to save money but why should he sit tight and comfy in your house whilst you 3 are bunking up with your parents?
And I would never ever shout at you for trying to keep him. If you feel you can then go for it. He's the father of your children and you love him.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 12/05/2007 10:35

oh spook i feel lke I am goi mad - I havent slept n weeks, havent aten a thing since thursday - I don't know whether I am comig or going - I feel like someone has died (sorry for those that feel like I am being dramtic)

OP posts:
ThatBeetroot · 12/05/2007 10:39

he has to go not you - he needs his spacew then let him go and find it.

spook · 12/05/2007 10:43

I know sweetheart. I know. It's a horrible process but you ARE grieving. For the life you thought you had. It WILL get better but not overnight.
It's like a physical pain isn't it? But as time goes on you will wake up one morning and realise it isn't the first thing you think about. My DS's were the only thing that kept me going and you must think the same way. They need you far more than he does and even though you are merely functioning on auto pilot keep doing it.
I understand completely and utterly what you are feeling and it is totally understandable. Everything you believed to be true and safe suddenly is not.
Ride the storm and please have friends around you whenever possible. Sometimes thats hard because they are a family but believe me-being with them is ten times better than trying to do it on your own.
MN is quiet this morning because of the Mile for Maude but keep posting. It will get you through.
Huge hugs (((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))

Original poster
isheisnthe · 12/05/2007 10:50

thinking of maude puts it in perspective really

how you ever get over that I will never know.

in fairness to him he is not reall keen on me moving in my mums and dads (dads ideas to child rearing are very different from mine) but i feel like I need to prove that i take him comments on board and I am going to do something about it. I have taken him for granted seeing things only from my way. I am grumpy most of the time and our sex life has been non existant apart from when I am pissed.

He is sick of coming home from a hard day at work and seeing me at the kitchen table with a glass of wine - my excuse has always been its my treat after the boys are in bed - but more often than not it will be 1/2 a bottle or a whole one (not every night - but most )

I have to take on board those points, I have been complacent as I NEVER thought we would split up. In some ways it would be easier if he was seeing someone else, at least i would mean he was leaving or splitting up with me fr someone else, not because I am a selfish bint who's a wino

(funnilly enough a drop hasn't past my lips since wednesday - and I don't know if it ever will again)

OP posts:
spook · 12/05/2007 10:54

Stop it.
It takes two to make a succesful realtionship.
I understand the need to put a reason on it all. I really do. I still believe I played a huge part in the downfall of my marraige but at the end of the day I did not find solace in someone elses arms and never would.
Listen-I have to go out and find a present for DS1's girlfriend (he's 10!!) but I'll be back later.
Hang on in there and keep posting.
And please-rethink your moving out plans?

kimi · 12/05/2007 11:02

heis, all I can say is what a shit he is.
Of coarse she is all happy and shiny and fun to be with, they all are, every little trollop that gets involved with someone else's hubby/partner.
Its only when "real life" gets going and i's all bill's and crying babies that its no fun any more, but hay its ok because blokes will just wonder off to find the next trollop happy to open their legs or looking for someone to pay their bills.
It will never change.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 12/05/2007 11:13

he apparently only went out with her once on saturday night - ad since I phoned her to tell ask her if she thought it appropriate to go out wih someones dp esp when they have too very smal young children she has not answered any of his calls (he wanted to apologise to her for putting her in that situation )

All I can do is my bestto show that I stl have commitment to this, and truely hope he sees sence before we lose everthing

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 12/05/2007 11:13

he apparently only went out with her once on saturday night - ad since I phoned her to tell ask her if she thought it appropriate to go out wih someones dp esp when they have too very smal young children she has not answered any of his calls (he wanted to apologise to her for putting her in that situation )

All I can do is my bestto show that I stl have commitment to this, and truely hope he sees sence before we lose everthing

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 12/05/2007 11:13

he apparently only went out with her once on saturday night - ad since I phoned her to tell ask her if she thought it appropriate to go out wih someones dp esp when they have too very smal young children she has not answered any of his calls (he wanted to apologise to her for putting her in that situation )

All I can do is my bestto show that I stl have commitment to this, and truely hope he sees sence before we lose everthing

OP posts:
Original poster
isheisnthe · 12/05/2007 11:13

he apparently only went out with her once on saturday night - ad since I phoned her to tell ask her if she thought it appropriate to go out wih someones dp esp when they have too very smal young children she has not answered any of his calls (he wanted to apologise to her for putting her in that situation )

All I can do is my bestto show that I stl have commitment to this, and truely hope he sees sence before we lose everthing

OP posts:
Smaug · 12/05/2007 11:14

Hi there - so sorry to hear you're going through this. Please listen to spook, she's a very wise woman.

I just really want to second what she said: DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE! He is being such an arse, while you're gone he could change the locks and have the house on the market. You would have voluntatarily left the marital home. Please don't do it, it could be putting you in an incredibly vulnerable position. If he needs space, let him go find it.

Original poster
isheisnthe · 12/05/2007 11:32

my pc is playing up - I just posted a long reply and it didnt post?

What I will say is that I don't think he would stitch m up over the house. I reall don't, also my solicitor said even if he left I would not be allowed to change the locks as he has a right of access

OP posts:
Smaug · 12/05/2007 11:48

Hmm. OK. I'm just a bit worried that he is clearly acting hugely out of character at the moment and he is not putting either you or your children at the top of his list of priorities.

If nothing else, surely your children need the stability of their own home atm?

Original poster
isheisnthe · 12/05/2007 12:20

thats true

I am going to write him a letter tonight while he is out (with his brother I am told) with all my feelings - I cry every time we speak and its sufforcating him.

Pray this works for me - is this or bust

OP posts:
spook · 12/05/2007 12:27

ihih-I am trying very hard not to come across as a bitter old cynic on this thread. I promise you-I'm NOT a man hater. I quite like them actually
But-there are alot of things you don't think he'd do and cheating was one of them. IME men in this situation DO behave out of character and DO do things that you would never dream they were capable of.
Don't give him the benefit of any doubts ATM especially not when it comes to the roof over your DC's heads.
I also know the desperation to run away and escape. Maybe you moving to your parents makes you feel like you are "doing" something-rather than just letting it all happen around you. That is a very strong instinct in a situation where you feel so powerless. But please stay put. You have alot to come to terms with and you need your home and the children really need familiar surroundings if they are to deal with this.

spook · 12/05/2007 12:28

Write the letter sweetheart but don't be too disappointed if you don't get the reaction you want just yet. It is going to take him a little longer than this to work it all out in his head.

Carmenere · 12/05/2007 12:31

He has been very cruel to you on a number of fronts. Begging him to give it another go will not make you more attractive to him, he has already given up on your relationship, that is how he has justified his cheating to himself.
Please don't beg him, just gather up your dignity and stay put in your house and protect your dc's. I really feel for you, you deserve better.

divastrop · 12/05/2007 12:50

i had to post as i couldnt bear to read you try and blame yourself for this over and over again.i used to do that when my xp was beating the crap out of me,i know its totally different to being cheated on but it comes down to the same thing-men who behave like tossers do so because THEY ARE TOSSERS,not because of anything you have/havent done.a decent man will talk to you if there are problems,make you feel sexy and desireable if your sex life has gone downhill after having kids,and accept that a relationship is 50/50 and that you have to work at them..not run off with somebody else

please,please stop trying to blame yourself.