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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

think I may have been right

957 replies

isheisnthe · 10/05/2007 06:59

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

OP posts:

Original poster

isheisnthe · 12/05/2007 21:17

to all those that said to eat something - I tried - and my tummy just rejected the offering

OP posts:

LilyLoo · 12/05/2007 21:29

You need to keep trying as you need to keep well. Your body is in shock. I know what you mean about the dc's my dp said it was nothing to with them, they seem more able to compartmentalise everything. I still disagree this affects them nearly as much as you imo. The shock will subside maybe just try some toast or something.

Fubsy · 12/05/2007 21:37

keep trying with the food - you need your strength for your dcs. x

divastrop · 12/05/2007 22:17

i honestly dont know how men can walk away from their children or indeed do anything to risk not being able to see them again,but alot of men manage it somehow

hugs x

Original poster

isheisnthe · 13/05/2007 06:48

and another 4am wakeup wondering if today will be the day he sees sense

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LilyLoo · 13/05/2007 10:36

i hope so ishe x

spook · 13/05/2007 11:58

How are you this morning ihih??
Thinking about you...

Original poster

isheisnthe · 13/05/2007 13:53

shite is how I am - he said nothing has changed - he wants to get the estate agents round here and put the house on the mark - I said I wouldn't do that ad h said I would have to

he said in 6 months time we wl see - but right now he has hit a brick wall

what I can not get tho is if he thinks mybe it could work why we have to sell the house and lose everything and the stability for the boys...

will never work in 6 months time as he will hate me by then even more - cos its not going to be as easy ass he thinks.

he just went to take the boys out - neither of them wanted to go and were clinging n to my legs - I looked at him as he pulled them away and said "this is what you want every weekend is it?"

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auntiflo · 13/05/2007 14:35

Do feel fo you, just read through your posts. He's being a real hard bastard, he thinks if he's nasty you'll accept his decision to go and it'll be easier to leave. But would it? If you said, fine off you go then, he'd have lost your support.
When will he recieve the letter from the solicitor? The house could be valued, out of interest but nt put on the market. You have a good case to keep the house as suggested with the help of a schedule 1.
Thinking of you lots and as someone said, turn your sadness into anger, only really possible once you've slept and eaten, take another tablet tonight, you'll get your sleeping pattern back soon.

spook · 13/05/2007 14:51

6 months my arse.
Just sit tight. You have as much right to be in that house as he has to sell it atm. It is the roof over your childrens heads.
I'm not sure whats going though his head but he is defiantely playing the nasty card to cover up his own guilt and make it easier to walk away from you and the boys. Try try try to ignore whatever shite he throws at you. Not easy I know and the self doubts you are feeling are entirely natural. Thats what he wants you to feel.
Hold tight sweetie. You are doing so well.
Auntiflo is right. A sleeping pill is much better than no sleep. If you ever needed to keep your strength up its now. You are taking an emotional and physical battering.

mylittlestar · 13/05/2007 15:40

ishe I'm thinking of you

You're doing so well. Like the others said keep your strength up, look after yourself, and above all try not to listen to any more of his sh**. Focus on what you can do, legal advice, keeping stability for the boys etc - he'll soon realise what he's losing and what a twunt he's been. Until then you need to stay strong and stay focused.

6 months Does he mean he wants 6 months of freedom and pleasing himself and then he'll come crawling back? In 6 months you'll be in a much happier, much better place and won't even want him I'm sure. He'll be the one growing old being miserable and lonely, not you.

I hope you're ok xx

LilyLoo · 13/05/2007 16:04

Oh am so for you. He really does seem to have made up his mind. It must have been very hard today on you and the boys. I think you have to dig deep now and be strong and try to be as strong as you possibly can be esp in front of him. It sounds like he thinks he can call all the shots but you need to make it clear you are equal partners in this. It is your house and you will do everything in your power to stop him upsetting the boys any further. Let him know that you will not let him dictate what you will do now and that you will be seeking legal advice. Try and not let him see you crumble and hold your head up when you see him. Remember this is his choice to leave and uproot your family not yours you have every right to expect him to realise that you will not just be pushed over. I am so for you. Oh yes the let's see in six months line, as if you can put your family on hold while you saort out what you want, honestly how fu*in selfish.

MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 13/05/2007 17:24

I agree that he sounds as if he has definitely made his mind up. That is not to say he won't change it, but try not to rely on that. You will have to live your life as if he is NOT coming home and then, if he does, you might have moved on by then.

He is probably being horrible bevcause he feels guilty and knows that he is the one in the wrong.

Fubsy · 13/05/2007 21:35

Sorry youve had such a crap day. Hope things calm down a bit soon!

Agree with the others - youve got to do what is right for you and the DSs now, as obviously he is just thinking of himself. If he cant wait with you for 6 months to see how he feels, then you have just got to think of yourself now.

lilybubble · 14/05/2007 00:18

Hi isheisnthe,
So sorry you are going through such a horrible time. I am going through exactly the same, I could have written most of what you have. I've a thread on here called "Dh has just told me he's not sure he wants to stay married to me!" or something, if you want to see. Basically he one day told me he wasn't happy. We talked, and he got more and more cross, packed a bag and left me and dd in a house we'd only moved into 9 weeks earlier. We were in a new town, 70 miles from anyone we knew, I had no job, no car, nothing, and he just walked out and went to stay with a woman I've never met who he's now having a relationship with. I never, ever thought he would do something like that to me and dd, and it is breaking my heart.

I can't believe how unpleasant your (d)p is being, or why he feels that's necessary Well done for getting legal advice, that's great. Try and talk to your friends - I have found great support from mine, and my family. I've also had some wonderful advice here too, as sadly there seem to be an awful lot of women whose men are behaving badly.

Stay strong, take care xx

Original poster

isheisnthe · 14/05/2007 07:25

now I really am confused. we made love last night (early evening) it was at my instigation and with the help of some sexy undies - it was early evening time. we showered, went down stairs - watch top gear and then I went to bed - as I was going up i said "i'd like you to sleep in our bed tonight, but I am not expecting it" - he didn't

This morning, I got up early with ds2, made his packed lunch (dp - not ds) and a cup of tea - then came bck upstairs and he left for work.

Just came down to a note say "get the estate agents round for a price - say we will be buying two different houses due to my work"

I really wasn't reading too much in to the sex but for god sake - it does kind of say to me that there is still something there??

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BandofMothers · 14/05/2007 07:42

It says for you there is something there, but men don't associate sex with love and I think you know that really
Sorry Idon't want to upset you but you know it's true. Most men will not turn down sex on a platter.
I am also at what he said about wanting the boys upset every weekend when he has them. Forgive me but isn't he the one doing all this??
And I hope you said as much.
((((hugs))))
He's being a wanker.
Don't sell the house if you daon't have to.

BandofMothers · 14/05/2007 07:43

And don't lie about the reason cos he's embarrassed. Don't lie for him. What a twunt.

Original poster

isheisnthe · 14/05/2007 07:50

BOM - i know what you are saying bu I also know him - and when he is a hate me thing he will not got near me - which makes me think his "brick wall" may have a few cracks in it....

Spoke to a male friend last night (he recently had an affair but has finally come to his senses) he used to be an ebf as well so knows me quite well.

He told me everything yu guys have said about the house, and i will not be budging on that. But he also gave me a interesting perspective, he told me as soon as DW started making an effort with her clothes/appearance/lifestyle it gave him a jolt...and they are working through there problems. Although things are missing is their relationship he has opened his eyes and realised the grass is not always greener.

He told me to stop creeping around dp as its soooo unattractive and just be nice but get on with my own life - guess thats just what I have to do

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Original poster

isheisnthe · 14/05/2007 07:52

BOM - it was me that said "this is wht you want every weekend is it"

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BandofMothers · 14/05/2007 07:58

It's good advice. He expects you to be cowed and creep and try your hardest to make him happy and beg him not to go, but as soon as you stop doing that he just looks foolish and it'll make him wonder why you've stopped.
My DH when we would argue would say things like, "I'm fucking off then and DD1 will forget about me in 2 weeks", blatantly not true, but it used to get to me and that's why he said it. I would rise to it and argue .
Then I realised he never actually went or packed a bag or anything, and would pretend like it never happened. I stopped doing it. When he would do it I would say, OK then, I think it might be best. Maybe we'll be better off with out you.
He soon stopped doing it cos he wasn't getting the reaction he wanted.
I think if you concentrate on making yourself happy independently of him and what he's doing then he will lose a lot of his power. He knows he can make you unhappy with one sentence. If you take that away he wont know what to do.

STAND FIRM, you will be ok.

BandofMothers · 14/05/2007 07:59

Right, sorry, read it wrong. What did he say when you said that.

btw they would get used to it. Kids are very resilient.

Original poster

isheisnthe · 14/05/2007 08:04

nothing - he just shut the front door.

This "divorce" diet is doing the world of good for my figure

I am going to go and speak to him brother toda as well - just to put my side and also to remind him of his nephews - its not all about dps happiness - at the end of the day DS1 starts school in september - and what dp is proposing to do is give him 3 life changing things in a matter of weeks - parents splitting up, new home and start school.

Plus I am goin to go and spend a fortune on clothes.

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kimi · 14/05/2007 08:04

ISHE, I am so sorry he is being such a twant.

Stand firm over the house, pack up his stuff while he is at work today, put it on the doorstep and change the locks.

From what I have read, it sounds like he is seeing the person from his phone.
If you dd not use protection when you slept with him I would get yourself checked out, as you don't know if he has slept with this person or where they have been, (if they sleep with other peoples husbands the chances are they have been to some nasty places)

Original poster

isheisnthe · 14/05/2007 08:09

we always use something - I am not on the pill - so no worries there.

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