think I may have been right

[isheisnthe]

DP has been very cool with me for about a month after a disaterious weekend away with the family, where he was very nasty and selfish. When we came home he moved in to the spare room and has been there since on and off.

Last week he announced that he wanted to split up - I was shocked. Our relationship (like most peoples) goes in peaks and troughs and I wasn't expecting it. I have begged and pleaded to make this work, esp for the sake of our sons and the fact the majority of the time we do rub along together but he is not interested. I am so shocked, as we are his "second" family after he was left by his first wife and children and he made it clear he had been gutted not living with his children (he still sees them all the time).

now, I know Ishouldn't have but I checked his phone, I found an entry undera mans name (I have NEVER heard him mention this person) hidden in his archive file in the phone. Then I checked his messae counter and it appears he and this"trevor" have been texting each other V regularly, esp late at night. Being as he is constantly walking round with his mobile attached to him I think I may already know the answer o the question I guess I am asking.

I have written the number down - do I ring it? how do Ifind out this persons name (if a woman answers?!)

Sorry if you got this far

Just found this. Sorry to hear that yet another family are having a shit time because of a bloke's mood swings!

So what if you need a drink at the end of a long day? Maybe you do need to deal with that, but cant he see that its just a sign opf how tired and dragged down you are by eveything.

My DP just cannot comprehand that my life could be tiring as well as his, all he sees is me working 24 hours a week to his 38. He does not see me doing the shopping, most of the cooking, ferrying DD around, occasional weekend work, etc. He does notice if the house is in a bit of a state or the car is grubby. In fact he is paranoid about that - FFS we live in the country, a car is going to get muddy!

Why are there all these blokes that think that just because their wives/partners are not waiting for them with dinner on the table, kids in bed by 6pm and a sexy negligee on, the have the right to look elsewhere?

They all claim to be tired and stressed - not so tired to shag someone else though, just too tired to make an effort with a real relationship.

Sorry to rant, but this happened to my friend last year, Im splitting up now, and there are so many others on here going through it, and it makes me mad.

Youre doing great getting the solicitor on your side, and I hope you can work it out. You ought to be able to keep the house, or at least stay in the area - the courts will always favour the least disruptiion to the children. Youve had some good advice from Mumblechum too!

Hugs x

i wrote the letter - he said it was 2 years too late

I asked him to atleast consider what I had written as I meant every word - he said beinf around me is pgysically maing him cringe

I sai thats probably cos I am being needy and desperate- to try and hold on to my family for me and the boys - and he is very used to me being a "fuck it" merchant that dsn't give a shit

he is going round my brothers now for a drink DB is going to try and speak to him - think its a no go tho really.

Wish all of his family would be like mine - and be saying try to make it work, but no, they are dredging up imaginay stories when I was quite as nice as I could have been (never mind they hve all come to me for chrsitmas since we got together, including when ds1 was a few weeks (if that) old. that helps him justify it to himself

It sounds as though you are flogging a dead horse here. This isn't a sudden decision on his part. He has clearly been thinking about this for some considerable time and, consequently, he is much further along the road in his emotional acceptance of it than you could possibly be.

You should ask him to leave so that you can have some space to grieve for the relationship you once had. Don't leave the house yourself because that's just making life doubly easy for him and doubly hard for you. My sister left her marital home with two children and lived in one room at my parents' house for over a year. That put more strain on her and also put a strain on her relationship with my parents - although it is fine now. Her ex stayed in a 4 bed detached house, piously saying that she could return at any time - which he knew she wouldn't because he was (and still is) a controlling arse of the first order.

Do you have a friend who could some and stay for a while for moral support?

To add to all the others - try and stay put. You are on a huge emotional roller-coaster and you just dont know what you will do next. When this happened to me i spent one whole day just swearing - i didnt even know i knew so many swear words. I even saw a vicar and i dread to think what was coming out of my mouth then. What i am saying is take everything very slowly even though it is going around in your head so fast you feel sick. You need to stay put and do something familar.

He has had a long time to think about this and so a bit longer wont hurt him. You dont have to be nasty just say you cannot leave just yet. About the locks - say you dont feel safe if he can walk in anytime and you wont stop him but would like some warning first.

This is not your fault. It is in our nature to try to find what we did wrong and i am quite passionate that often there is nothing wrong.

I do believe men and women act differently - we would not cheat unless there was a huge problem - not just general life. We therefor reason that he thinks the same and we then look for our own failings.

I think most men would take it given it on a plate - not so sure women would.

I know this is generalising and you will not all agree but thats what i now think.

Having an affair is a cowards way out of a relationship.

Anyway you are strong and will get through this awful time - just hang on for a rough ride but it will get better.

true freckle - but I have to try

if tomorrow when he comes home and says no,its done then I will accept that, however muc it hurts my heart and soul - I know you all think that I am a muppet.

we have agreed that I will stay in the house - mum and dad said what ever happens they do not want me to leave the marital home and will not agree to me moving in because of that.

he has agreed that its not right to uproot te boys.

bump - i am all alone

Isheisnthe - I agree that he is gone from you emotionally. He says that your letter was two years too late - but he should have talked to you two years ago and he didn't. I don't blame you for begging him to reconsider, but he sounds as if he has decided the outcome now and nothing will change that.

Time will heal your pain day by day. It doesn't seem that way now, but it will.

god its heart breaking - i know you are all right - hes gone

ihih-are you ok sweetie.
It looks like he is fairly certain what he wants atm.
It may change but it may not.
I wasted nearly a year of my life reading into every little pathetic sign he gave me, or small kindness he showed me, thinking he was going to come home.
Please don't make my mistakes.
It's very early days and it will be a long hard road but if it is over then you will be ok. I promise you. It won't happen overnight but it will happen.
And one day you will look back and wonder why you even bothered trying to keep hold of such a loser.
You have got your boys and one day you'll find happiness again and your boys will love someone else and not even remember what it was like when he was there.
Please try and have friends around you. You will get lonely and you will get desperate. I remember actually banging my head off the wall because I felt so helpless but I got through it.
Please believe me. I weighed 6 stone and smoked 30 a day. Now I'm a newly wed with a sad fuck of a balding ex-husband (and I'm down to 20 a day )

spook - do ever re read your old threads? and wonder why you bothered

trying so hard i mean

you feel sad and desperate at the moment but it will pass,you will probably feel angry about the whole thing soon and go through all sorts of emotions and feel hurt etc..BUT you will wake up one day and think 'thank f*k im rid of that a*hole,my life is so much better without him'.just try and hold on to that thought when you feel bad.

He's a lazy son of a bitch who should have given good thought to what he was doing, instead of blundering about mindlessly then blaming you for his mostly self induced misery.

Don't take him back after this - you will never forgive him for what he has just put you through.

x-posts with spook there.

i agree about the friends though,you need people around you atm who are going to say all the right things and remind you that you are a wonderful person,and who can tell you to shut up when you start saying you love him and dont want to live without him etc etc

I have once or twice but there are thousands of posts and it makes me very sad. I was a complete mess.
But....there was a definate time when you could almost feel my pain lessening and I got a bit of sparkle back.
But I think that at least I know I tried everything in my power (exactly as yu are doing) to save my marraige and my boys know that. I have no regrets other than my ongoing cigarette habit got so bad!
I'll tell you what the whole sorry episode gave me-fucking unbelievable friendships that are completely unshakeable. Both on here and in rl.
Hold your head up high ihih. You have done nothing wrong and are only doing what 99% of women would do. Keep their family together.
But at the end of the day YOU are the boys family and you alone.

colditz - i know your right - this apthetic pleading excuse of a woman is not the strong woman he fell for - I need to get some balls tomorrow if he says no and start fighting - i know that - doesn't make it easier tho

by the way - I am not a newey - have been on this site since ds1 was born

The anger will come soon enough. Don't worry! Its still early days!

spook - thank you - I love you for that comment about family x x x x

can not believe (and neither would u if u knew me in RL - what a pathetic person I am being)

just spoke to a friend and she said yes isheisnthe - you have been complaecent - but thats cos you have alway put you last, the boys have been the priority to u, and they should be - spook - can I look at your thread - or will that invade your privacy

the thing is,when the strong woman he fell for returns and hes begging you to take him back,you wont have an ounce of love left for him cos you will have realised what a twat he is

Very very true Divastrop.
Ihis-ofcourse you can. It will certainly pass a Saturday night. But it might make you sad darling. Theres about 4 of them-starting Jan24/25th 2004 (not that it's imprinted on my brain! )

No will judge you for what you are doing - and whatever you decide. Some people say what they would do but until you are there you just dont know. You will go up and down in what you think you want - one minute hating him the next wanting him back so much. This is normal and no-one should think you an idiot for that. If anyone does judge you then they are not worth knowing.

I too made some fantastic friends and it is at times like this you really know who they are. Dont be afraid to ask for help - there really will be lots out there for you and if you can find the strengh to ask it will be a step in the right direction.

Take time now to find out what you want but there is no rush. Try and do something just for you - even if it is just have a nice bath or watch a favourite thing on TV.

Take care you have lots of help on here.

thank you all and you have been fantastically kind to me - and put up with this sodding keyboard which must make me seem stupid with my spelling.

i have now taken a sleeing pill - as I have have had b=no sleep and no food - my Dr - who I have been with since I was 12 has been fantasically supportive of me.

I said to dp the other night he has a problem as he keepschoosing strong women (me and ew) but what he really wants is a nogging dog

he agreed - sad thing is I am going to become that if he agrees to come back - think maybe I need some councelling to become the woman I was - not for him- but me and the binks

Sleep well sweetie. Come back in the morning. We'll be here XX

ISHE i am so sorry for you. I have just found this and read through your thread. I am another one who has been here and wore the t shirt. Glad you have made that decision re house. I also not married and it really was the biggest shock of my life. You never think it will happen to you, i agree. My world literally fell apart. I went through the acceptance of my share of th blame and like you tried to do all i could to change the things initially. However it really came down to the fact of whether we both wanted it to work in the end. It's ok for you to accept your share but he has to accept his and also the fact that he has all but destroyed your relationship. I just cannot believe how arrogant men are. Also while we are busy trying to run around after everyone they are thinking all about themselves and how tough it is for them. Just try and be strong esp for your boys taht includes eating, they will need you there for them now more than ever. And my one resounding memory of all this was my dc's would know that i had done everything i could to keep our family together but i couldn't be responsible for dp. Take care it is so hard but there are lot's of us here who can offer support x

thank you all - i am sad - depressed and so so lonely - but i will get through this for the binks and myself and I will hold my head up - I will print this - and one day if it does not work out I may let them see just how very very hard I triedo keep their daddy,

i'm a fool - but I love my children with every fibre of my being, and could never concieve of walking away from them - 2nd time for him - maybe it gets easier?