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Original poster

About to have the single most awkward meeting of my life..

206 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 28/03/2018 19:52

Hi everyone,

The subject says it all really. My DD who has just turned 3 will be meeting her biological dad in a couple of weeks.

We had a whirl wind romance I fell pregnant, he left to live in Australia and we’ve had no contact since.

Last year I had to contact him to get some medical information from him and he said he would like to find out more about his DD. Up until this point he didn’t even know her name. It has literally just been photos and letters until now, he asked me about a month ago if he could see my DD as he is visiting the UK to see family and I have agreed.

I know what he did was unforgivable walking out on us. But I’m doing this for my DD. She won’t be told who he is.

We are going to a park for a couple of hours and having tea and cake.

If he gets emotional then I’ll walk away because my DD won’t understand it. My only concern is that my DD will be ok and enjoy playing in the park.

I haven’t seen him him in over 4 years, this is going to be the single most awkward meeting of my life.

Any tips to get through this? 😬

OP posts:
refusetobeasheep · 28/03/2018 19:58

😮 what a meeting! Although I should have thought he will be feeling even more awkward given the circumstances .... You are of course doing the right thing, which must take some doing - you should be proud of yourself.

Ryder63 · 28/03/2018 20:01

Try to think of it as meeting a friend from the past. Keep it light and fun for your DD, and keep it as brief as possible.

I had similar many years ago, and the guy was in and out of DD's life until she was old enough to draw a line herself. Hope this doesn't happen to you and your DD.

Insomeotheruniverse · 28/03/2018 20:01

I wouldn’t bother with the visit. How are you doing this for your dd? She won’t know who he is or even remember him after he is gone. Is he intending to stick around or is it mere curiosity on his part? If it’s just curiosity why would you bother?

Does he pay maintenance for her? Or help in any other way? If not then why should he be able to drop in and have a nose at what he helped create?

HollowTalk · 28/03/2018 20:03

I agree with the PP - has he being paying maintenance for your daughter? If not I have a very dim view of him wanting to turn up to see her.

Bluecarrot · 28/03/2018 20:04

Very similar happened to me but pretty much zero contact for 4 years. They have an ok relationship now. I just figured I wouldn’t want to be the one to stop a relationship/bond between them.
I explained to my dd first and she was weirdly accepting. I had loads of pictures and a few funny /cute stories in mind to tell him to help pass the time initially.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 28/03/2018 20:12

Bluecarrot that’s exactly my thinking. I’m doing this purely for my DD.

No he is paying no maintenance, but I feel it’s important for him to meet his daughter. He will go back to australia but if it helps to build some form of bond for him then in my eyes that’s good. I just want to set the foundation for my DD in later life when she may decide she wants to have a proper relationship with him. If not that’s his fault and something he will have to deal with.

My DD will be fine, as you’ve said she hasn’t got a clue who he is. But it is going to be soooo awkward when we initially meet. I haven’t got a bloody clue what to talk about. The whole thing is just a joke really, playing happy families when in fact he is a massive arsehole who walked on his his unborn child.

OP posts:
Makingworkwork · 28/03/2018 20:16

Why is he not paying maintenance? You could use the time to talk about that.

xoxoxoxoluv · 28/03/2018 20:17

I know it's easier said then done but try and take the emotion out of it. Try and think of it as just seeing an old friend for a few hours. Does your daughter ever ask about her father?

Fosterdog123 · 28/03/2018 20:18

How is this for your daughter?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 28/03/2018 20:18

Hope it goes well. I think you are doing the right thing by keeping the door ajar for your DD in future. Chances are she will meet up with him occasionally as an adult and will therefore be able to avoid unrealistic fantasies about who he is. Flowers

Somerville · 28/03/2018 20:20

That awkwardness could be very unpleasant for your DD. They're not as oblivious to tension as they can appear at that age.
In all honesty I suggest you meet him first without her there. You need to assess as best you can whether he's going to do something twatish like introduce himself as daddy, or give her an expensive toy. You could establish some ground rules first.

Crusoe · 28/03/2018 20:20

Sorry I don’t get it. How on earth is this for your daughter?

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 28/03/2018 20:25

I haven’t got a bloody clue what to talk about.
At the risk of sounding facetious, the weather or his travel plans seem to be the traditional British topics. If it’s not going well you could try boring him away by discussing the roadworks on the A34 (there usually are some somewhere) Wink
Seriously though, try not to worry, you could always ask about his life in Australia so you can tell your DD when she is older.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 28/03/2018 20:26

Although she may not appreciate it now, when she gets older it will be good for her to know that, although he lived so far away, he made the effort to see her when he was in the UK. If it’s not too weird it might be nice to get a photo of them together so that when she does get around to asking questions you have something to show her. Obviously it’s not an ideal situation but I think it’s admirable that you’re giving him a chance to meet her and that she can grow up knowing that he wasn’t completely indifferent to her. It might open up the possibility of maintenance, of keeping in touch as she grows up or at least of her being able to contact him when she’s older.

Keep it short and sweet, and plan something nice for yourself afterwards as I imagine it will be emotionally draining. Wine BrewCake

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 28/03/2018 20:28

Firstly I don’t want to be judged on my decision to do this. That’s not why I have written this post. It is more about how I deal with meeting her father and the awkwardness.

I am 100% convinced this is the right thing to do for her. She is three, she will see my ex as just one of mummy’s friends. I will try to make it as relaxed as possible and she will be too busy on the swings etc to pick up on anything.

The point of this meeting is as I’ve said to create a foundation for her to have some of relationship with him when she is older (if she wishes).

OP posts:
category12 · 28/03/2018 20:28

You'll talk about your dd - and small children are great for interrupting and distracting - I don't see you'll have any issues.

GrooovyLass · 28/03/2018 20:30

How is it for her DD? Well when DD is older nobody can ever accuse OP of stopping her from seeing her father.

SenoritaViva · 28/03/2018 20:31

I get why it's for your daughter. When she's older you need to look her in the eye and say you tried contact with him and didn't block a relationship with her dad.

My niece lives with us, she's never met her dad (she's 19). She's had a really rough ride and some contact as a teen with him (but never met). She's had a shocking time but knows he's not worth getting to know now. People need to find that out for themselves, otherwise the fairytale story of 'what might have been' will always exist.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 28/03/2018 20:34

Thanks My Relationship, that is EXACTLY what I’m thinking. I was thinking maybe if taking a photo of the two of them to show her when she older. I just want her to know he has made some form of effort.

An ex of mine had an absent father. I know it affected him deeply that he knew nothing about him - his mother destroyed all photos, he didn’t even know his name. My ex could never really do mature relationships because of this. His mum was a bit of a nightmare too which probably contributed to this. I feel excluding him from her life won’t benefit her later on and could possibly be damaging to her perspective on relationship and self esteem.

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 28/03/2018 20:35

I think if you're relaxed, your DD will be. Try not to get too tense or build it up in your head - if you are acting normally, your DD won't pick up on any vibes. I'd want some sort of guarantee from him though that he isn't going to tell her who he is...........

Awrite · 28/03/2018 20:37

If he wasn't going back to Australia I could see why this could be for her.

She won't remember this one off park visit.

This is going to mess with your head. His going back will feel like another rejection. I wouldn't risk it.

He pays nothing. He won't start now.

Firstworlddramas · 28/03/2018 20:37

Fair play to you! A great mum doing this for your daughter, amongst all the hysteria these days, a quality, thoughtful mum doing right by her dd, who knows what will be next but keeping that channel open for her is awesome

He's of course a prick for what he did to you (and her)

WiggyPig · 28/03/2018 20:41

Can't believe anybody's questioning how it's for the DD. Of course it is; even being able to look at photos later and say that's when he came from Australia to see me gives a child context, and know that he was interested in her and that the OP didn't block it. Those things are important.

OP I guess you just talk about your DD and not about your previous relationship - good luck!

NutElla5x · 28/03/2018 20:42

You are definitely doing the right thing by your daughter by allowing her and her father to meet.Hopefully once he sees that she's a real live person he will start taking a proper interest in her (and fingers crossed start paying maintenance too)and they will eventually form the father/daughter bond that she deserves.Hopefully your daughter's in a good and chatty mood on the day,which will go a long way in breaking the ice.Good luck!

category12 · 28/03/2018 20:43

She won't remember this one off park visit.

She won't, but the OP can take pictures and tell her about it when she's older. Her father can see her and maybe push her on the swing or something, and it's keeping the door open for him to have some sort of contact.