About to have the single most awkward meeting of my life..

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

The subject says it all really. My DD who has just turned 3 will be meeting her biological dad in a couple of weeks.

We had a whirl wind romance I fell pregnant, he left to live in Australia and we’ve had no contact since.

Last year I had to contact him to get some medical information from him and he said he would like to find out more about his DD. Up until this point he didn’t even know her name. It has literally just been photos and letters until now, he asked me about a month ago if he could see my DD as he is visiting the UK to see family and I have agreed.

I know what he did was unforgivable walking out on us. But I’m doing this for my DD. She won’t be told who he is.

We are going to a park for a couple of hours and having tea and cake.

If he gets emotional then I’ll walk away because my DD won’t understand it. My only concern is that my DD will be ok and enjoy playing in the park.

I haven’t seen him him in over 4 years, this is going to be the single most awkward meeting of my life.

Any tips to get through this? 😬

Thanks 😊 as I said I have no doubts in my mind this is the right thing to do for my DD. I’ve seen ex’s at war with one another and this is not want I want for my daughter. If anything I would like to get to a point over tone where we can attempt to be friends just so communication is easy and positive so that again my DD gets the best out of this situation.

If I get even the faintest whiff that he is going to do something stupid I will walk away. And play in the park will come to a very abrupt end!

I remember your previous threads. He seemed genuinely interested in her and seemed to be reasonable about his contact with you/her and not forcing the ‘I’m your long lost Daddy’ on her. I think, not that you’re asking, that you’re doing the right thing. Definitely get some nice photos. Just do as you have been doing and see how he is after his visit. I’d encourage him to keep sending letters telling her about his life that she can read sometime in the future.

As for the meeting. It’ll be fine. You’ll think of things to tell him about her, you’ll think of things to ask him about his life in Australia. The time will pass quickly with a 3yo to look after at the park.

If it was me, I’d want to see him alone too. I’d want to talk to him properly without DD around.

I know I should see him beforehand but I’m worried it will veer into relationship territory, something I really want to avoid like the plague 😬😬😬

Undoubtedly I think it’s going to be not only awkward but hard on us to see each other again. I’m sure old wounds and even perhaps feelings may possibly arise, but I’m prepared for that. Though I think more than likely I will feel absolutely nothing.

And in regards to when we leave. The only person will be find it hard is HIM. I walk away with my beautiful little girl, to our lovely cosy home. He has to jump on a place to no one. All his family live here, and I’m pretty sure he is still on his own (he is the type with commitment issues - 42 going on 18) his life is empty.

If you want to prove you never stopped them meeting, make sure you take photos of them together, and print them or make sure you have secure copies.

Go for it! You are amazing. You did it for 4 years alone. You are a warrior. He will have a lot of respect and guilt over this situation...... take a photo, be yourself, share your experience.

So he bolted and you didn't, he's going to be the one tounge tied. I really wish you all the confidence for this meeting. It is important for your daughters history that her father saw her.

I can totally under why you are doing it op and to be honest I'd let him make the conversational effort. You are doing enough. I'm sure the awkwardness will fade pretty quickly, kids have a way of doing that. Fair play to you, I admire you

Thanks everyone 💐

I’ll probably need some encouragement before the the day so will keep this thread open and will update you on how it went 😝

How do you open up old threads btw? Is it on your profile somewhere? I can never search for them.

I admire you OP, you are doing the right thing for your child. Yes, it is important that she meets her dad and hopefully have a relationship with him. It won't take anything from you.

You have 3 years of anecdotes to share about her, and his new life in Australia. A couple of hours will go quickly.

I would stress to him that you will not tolerate him to become emotional. It might be more difficult than you both think, when he sees her, he will realise all is has missed.

Do not get upset if he acts extremely cold either, it might just be a front.

I know I should see him beforehand but I’m worried it will veer into relationship territory,
Take someone else with you, then. But seriously, this guy jerked you and your child over once big time; you'd seriously still be interested?

I really don't think it's a good idea to see him with your DD there to start with. There are too many variables - both his reactions, and your own.

But if you do, make sure you have someone else there too - a friend or family member who can swoop in to distract your DD if you're too upset.

No I mean if we meet alone, we may drag up the past and how he behaved. It wouldn’t be about us getting back together again - god know. Not after what he has put us through.

Okay, phew!
Honestly, OP, it sounds like you're very warm hearted, and I get that. But that balance between protecting ourselves and our kids, and being brave and open is tricky. make sure you and her are surrounded by good people who love you and are for you while all this is going on.
It could all go fine, but there's a lot of potential for hurt, too.

All credit to you, you’re putting your dd first regardless of how difficult it’s going to be for you

Your dd is very lucky to have you

How do you open up old threads btw? Is it on your profile somewhere? I can never search for them.

Along the toolbar under the heading Talk up there ^^ is a section marked I'm watching. It will be listed there and you just have to click on it and post on it again when you want to.

Good luck in the park. You'll be fine, you're going with the right attitude.

Thank you, I’m very fortunate to have an incredibly supportive family who give me excellent advice and also amazing friends too. I would like to think I’m warm hearted yes, but I also have firm boundaries in terms of what I will and won’t put up with.

I have a feeling his family (who to be fair seem to be lovely) will be telling him to be on best behaviour, so I think it will all be very amicable yet awkward. DD doesn’t stop talking 😆 she is a huge bundle of fun and always happy! So I think she will be the perfect little distraction for this rather (hideous) meeting.

Thanks Bluescreen 😊

PS I forgot: there's also a section marked I started - it will be quicker to find it there.

I disagree with people saying this is of no benefit to your daughter. I would take some pictures whilst they are together and try to find out as much information about him as you can (job, hobbies, interests, skills etc.). When your daughter is an adult, she will want to know bits of information like that about her dad and if he chooses not to be involved, now might be your time to get this information.

After the visit, I'd also write down what happened that day for her to read when she is older (what they did at the park, what did you eat, what was she like on that day, the weather etc.). I work with lots of children who don't know these things about their parents and it really impacts on them when they get older. Lots of children really value knowing these bits of information because to them it's a crucial part of their identity and childhood.

You sound like a fantastic mum who is absolutely doing the best for your dd, putting aside your own feelings is absolutely commendable, I hope it goes well!
I'm just wondering though if you're mot telling dd the friend you're meeting is her dad how it will pan out later? If it goes well and you decide to meet again in say a year or so will you tell her then? If he develops a conscience over his dd and wants to maintain contact once he's back home via calls/ cards/ Skyping etc will you let that develop? If so at what point will she find out he's her father? I'm not being goady, I'm just curious to know where you think/ hope this will go.

Fair play to you for doing what is best for your daughter.
Hope it goes well.

I think this will be of huge benefit to your daughter. Not now, but later, when she starts asking more detailed questions about why other children have two parents etc. It will be much easier to explain that her biological father is "Mark", who lives in Australia, and show her pictures of them meeting in the park, than to have it all vague.

I've a lot of respect for you op.

My ex walked out on me when I was pregnant, tore me apart. When our son arrived, I begged him to see him and to have a relationship, he refused....wanting nothing to do with his own son.

If he got in contact now (it's been a year), I'd tell him to get fucked.

Some people are so Money grabbing! "He doesn't pay maintenance don't let him see child"

Fucking hell!

All people do on Mumsnet is judge you, you'll never get advise. Sorry I don't have any good advice I'm shit at awkward situations! Just had to have a moan about the others

The aim of this all is to slowly introduce her to her dad once he proves he is commited to this (which my gut instinct is telling me he is) so this will start with emails and then transition to more meetings (when he is in the uk) to maybe Skype calls between them and eventually meeting his family. It’s important she know her grandfather and cousins. I’m sure they would love to meet her and I’m not going to stop that relationship forming. I’ve asked him to send photos of his life in oz which he is doing, I want him to introduce him to her life. Show her the animals they have etc it all will help her have some idea of her fathers life.

Just out of interest, why isn't he paying maintenance and why don't you ask him to pay?

Hickety sending you a huge hug 💗 it does get easier. I’m quite an independent sort of person and just on with things really. I love being a mum and enjoy the close bond I have with my DD. He may well come crawling back to you like mine has, but honestly when you get to the stage I’m at now you won’t care less about it.

And no it’s not all about money. This is way more then that. I don’t want any maintenance from him. I’m happy going it alone, plus this gives him an element of control which I don’t want. Much easier this way.