About to have the single most awkward meeting of my life..

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

The subject says it all really. My DD who has just turned 3 will be meeting her biological dad in a couple of weeks.

We had a whirl wind romance I fell pregnant, he left to live in Australia and we’ve had no contact since.

Last year I had to contact him to get some medical information from him and he said he would like to find out more about his DD. Up until this point he didn’t even know her name. It has literally just been photos and letters until now, he asked me about a month ago if he could see my DD as he is visiting the UK to see family and I have agreed.

I know what he did was unforgivable walking out on us. But I’m doing this for my DD. She won’t be told who he is.

We are going to a park for a couple of hours and having tea and cake.

If he gets emotional then I’ll walk away because my DD won’t understand it. My only concern is that my DD will be ok and enjoy playing in the park.

I haven’t seen him him in over 4 years, this is going to be the single most awkward meeting of my life.

Any tips to get through this? 😬

You are very brave and wonderful for doing this. Your DD will thank you for doing it at least sometime in her life.
It's the sort of dilemma that adopted children have, whether to try and find their birth parents. You are opening the door to great possibilities for her and she can ultimately chose what to do with what you have shown her.
Wish you luck and courage.

It sounds like you're approaching this with your head screwed on, OP. Good for you. I echo the suggestions and your instincts to get photos. I think you and your DD will be glad of them when she inevitably asks about him in the future.

Do his family live near you and DD? Would you want any contact with them even if her father is not in her life?

They live a couple of hours at most from me and yes I wouldn’t have an issue with her seeing them occasionally when she gets older. Obviously she would always be supervised under my watchful eye, but I see no issue in it. This will all help with giving her a greater understanding of her identify as she grows up.

OP, I applaud you for "keeping the door ajar." Your DD will be able to see photos and hear the story of the meeting when she is older and asks about her father.

With your DD there I don't think things will be nearly as awkward as they might be otherwise. Do you have any kind of structured activities/games/toys you could take along, just in case it gets weird (or indeed boring for her)?

The only thing that concerns me is that this guy is obviously a bit of an irresponsible knob. So I can see that you would want the door ajar, but I wouldn't go opening it too wide and letting him become a big part of her life, because he is very liable to let her down. Hopefully this won't be an issue if he lives on the other side of the world...

Good for you op. You are doing the right thing for your daughter and taking some pix is a good idea. They may well become very treasured one day. I have some similar of me.

PS is he Australian? If he does nothing else for her she might one day be grateful for the opportunity for dual nationality.

I know it's an odd thing to think of but your story has reminded me of a friend of mine. Her maternal grandfather was by all accounts a feckless wastrel, who walked out on the family and died a few years later. Her grandmother resisted the temptation to burn everything he had owned and kept a few key documents for her children's sakes. Fast forward fifty years: two of the grandchildren, including my friend, were living and working in the EU and concerned about Brexit. Thanks to those documents they were able to show that they had a grandparent born on the island of Ireland and apply for Irish citizenship and he finally did something constructive for his family.

Wow it sounds like a very raw situation. It also sounds like your attention and energy is going to be very much focused on your daughter and making sure she feels comfortable which is wonderful. I hope he does feel horribly awkward. My blood actually boils for you and your little girl that he gets the privilege of meeting her but hasn’t supported her at all. I do see your reasons for doing it. I am adopted and had a file with info like the occupation and eye colour of my biological parents. It probably helped! But for me it has actually been really comforting to imagine that my biological parents never saw me after I was born, it’s helped me see the rejection as nothing personal (it’s not that I wasn’t cute enough silly as that sounds) but then I did have some basic info about them.
If you are in contact with his family then doesn’t that mean the door would be open to her finding him the future anyway when she is old enough to choose it?
I do realise that’s not what you are asking about and I don’t want to overstep the mark because there probably isn’t a ‘right’ way of managing this and you sound like you are phenomenally strong and focused on your DD.
Would it help to have someone like your mum or best friend waiting back at home or lurking near by for you to meet straight afterwards. Like I said I wouldn’t be worried about making him feel too damn comfortable. If he is weird she will just think he is a slightly odd man. I do think that I would have hated to find out that I had met my biological father or mother and not known who they were though (but am not for one minute suggesting you tell your three year old - just mean that in adolescence I would probably have used it as another reason to be angry with my parents so you can’t really win.)

We met our children's birth parents as part of the adoption process. Obviously different in that the children were not there but still felt like the most awkward meeting. We took some 'props' to help as openers - pictures of the children....could you still take some action shoots of things your daughter likes doing? Any certificates say that she would be proud to show off and maybe a favourite toy. Pictures she has done. All can stay in your bag if the conversation flows.

Can I ask whether you are comfortable with him giving her any gift and what about a cuddle? Have you set the 'rules' so to speak.

Our two are still young but its been useful to talk about meeting their parents. We don't know regret it although it was a difficult 2 hours but over before we know it.

Good luck with it. Hope it goes well.

I can totally see why this is for your dd and can't get my head around people asking why you are doing it for her.

However, I would say take plenty of photos and if he offers any money then get him to get it up as a trust find or something for her. It's not wrong for him to pay for the maintenance, at least some of it, for his daughter.

Personally, I would look into this a bit psychologically as to whether it will be better for her to know who he is and why he does not live in the UK and she cannot see him.

Or maybe tell her afterwards?

I don't mean to be rude but one day she will ask and what will you say, you met him and I never told you? He will almost certainly be back to the UK (I am guessing much sooner once he meets a gorgeous child he helped to make), so why not tell her who he is? Or at least take advice on this.

I really do not know if this is the best advice, so feel free to ignore me. Our son is adopted and we are told always to tell the truth, in age appropriate language. Honestly, I may be wrong but that was my gut feeling, she should know before or soon after because one day she will ask who her dad is and you will need to tell her then, it was that man in the park who arrived with a massive pink bear with bow (just guessing!). Do come back and tell us how it goes.

No advice but just wanted to say what a fair minded and kind woman you are. Your daughter has a brilliant mum.

Cross posted with @NWQM (We really wanted to meet our son's birth parents but so far it has not been able to happen.)

There are lots of comments about how you will be able to show dd a photo of how 'he visited her tgat one time'

And while walking out when you were pregnant is awful, everyone deserves a second chance and maybe he has grown up, maybe he has been thinking about his daughter and wants to meet her, have. Relationship etc..
I think open mind, don't be awkward.. Together you Created this amazing little person... I am sure you will find it easy to talk about her.
And hopefully it's the start of him being her father, even if it will be difficult if he lives in Australia

As we are going to be in a (huge) adventure playground with water features etc I don’t think we will be stuck with things to do. I’ve deliberately chosen somewhere with tons to do. So the two hours or so will fly by I’m sure.

It’s so great to hear other people’s stories, I do appreciate it. Thank you for sharing them with me 😊 I am mindful of all the things you are all bringing up.

I don’t mind him giving her a little cuddle, if it can help to bond with her that’s fine. He already has sent a handwritten letter with photos of his family so if he came with a gift that would be really nice for her!

If you don't know what to say to him, talk about her. Tell him her likes and dislikes, and about her day. Make her a real person to him.

No I don’t want to tell her who he is yet. She is just too young to understand this all at the moment, maybe in a year or two she will be ready. But for now, he is just mummy’s friend and that is the way it will be.

This in turn will also give him time to grow into his role as dad and prove he is committed to this.

Baby steps 😉😊

Hiya, i posted on your original thread when you got the letter from him, and were wondering what to write back (NC’d since then). I am really glad for you that you will get a chance for him and DD to meet.

I think try to take all the cumulative emotion and feelings, worries about futures uncertainty out of it. This is a man who lives on the other side of the world who wants to meet his DD - you cannot know how their relationship will develop - and for your DD, that she can put a face to ‘dad’ as she grows up. She is young, it is very early days to know how things will go.

It is fine to say to him you feel awkward about the meeting. Prepare some key milestones he might (should) be interested in, talk about her likes and dislikes, daily routine, favourite toy... then the weather. You don’t need to talk about anything personal, and you should leave when you want to. Maybe take some photos to break the ice, but you will also be helping DD play, so she will be your focus.

Remember it is up to you to draw the boundaries around what is okay and when things are enough. He sounded like he would be guided by you, and I hope that is how it works out. You have brought up your DD so far, so it is up to him to fit in, so to speak, and gradually.

Keep your expectations really low.

I think it's better to be mentally prepared for this to be a one-off and come to nothing much than it is to indulge hope too far or start picturing teddy bears etc.

Hi Katara 😊 yes I remember! Funny how things have developed since my original post!! Great advice!

I’ll let you all know how it goes with ‘d’ day 😆

It's always your choice OP, of course I respect that.

Category I disagree on this one, based on his recent email which I won’t share on here. It was a very open and dare I say emotional email about his commitment to this. I think he is taking it seriously and I think his family wouldn’t forgive him if he walked away a second time,

I am adopted and currently mildly curious about my birth parents. It is a strange feeling that I would like to know, but also not sure I really want to and besides a meeting would be too much even if they are still alive.
All I know is my original name and the place I was born (and date obviously).
I am of an age where babies were put up for adoption simply because mothers weren't married and it was 'not the done thing' to get pregnant. I don't know if this was my case but quite likely.
My adoptive parents have always said I am adopted and recalled vague snippets of 'collecting' me.

Another who remembers your previous thread.
Hope it all goes as well as it can for you x

If you don't expect much, you can only be pleasantly surprised - it's easy to spout off a lot of idealistic guff.