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Original poster

About to have the single most awkward meeting of my life..

206 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 28/03/2018 19:52

Hi everyone,

The subject says it all really. My DD who has just turned 3 will be meeting her biological dad in a couple of weeks.

We had a whirl wind romance I fell pregnant, he left to live in Australia and we’ve had no contact since.

Last year I had to contact him to get some medical information from him and he said he would like to find out more about his DD. Up until this point he didn’t even know her name. It has literally just been photos and letters until now, he asked me about a month ago if he could see my DD as he is visiting the UK to see family and I have agreed.

I know what he did was unforgivable walking out on us. But I’m doing this for my DD. She won’t be told who he is.

We are going to a park for a couple of hours and having tea and cake.

If he gets emotional then I’ll walk away because my DD won’t understand it. My only concern is that my DD will be ok and enjoy playing in the park.

I haven’t seen him him in over 4 years, this is going to be the single most awkward meeting of my life.

Any tips to get through this? 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 07/05/2018 18:52

Hi everyone,

So it's been nearly a month (on Thursday) that my DD met her father for the first time, and I've not heard a peep from him. I'm not expecting a 360 turn around, however I can't help but feel annoyed that neither his brother or his dad have been in touch. Her father asked if they would meet my DD, I agreed to this and I thought they would be in touch fairly soon after the meet up. But nothing. My reaction to this is 'why should I bother?' I don't have to do any of this.

I have no intention of messaging him. If he wants to know more then it's up to him to now contact me.

He is the type of person who takes a lot of time to process things, however I was expecting more of him esp after meeting his DD for the first time! He is showing little to no commitment to this after what I thought was a great start from him..I'm glad I haven't told my DD he is her dad at this point!

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 07/05/2018 19:08

What do you think you are doing for her? She won't know he's her dad unless you tell her and it's a meaningless meeting without her knowing. This will come back to bite you on the bum. JME.

I hope it goes well for you all but you need to think carefully.

picklemepopcorn · 07/05/2018 19:13

It's very disappointing. I still think it was the right thing to do- when she asks about him later you will have photos, and she may have a memory.

SmashedMug · 07/05/2018 19:15

He sounds very similar to someone I know who behaves in the same way. Arranges to meet the child every so often then when he turns up it's more about using my friend as a free counselling service and then he'll vanish again for God knows how long until he decides another meeting will benefit him in some way. Then rinse and repeat. It's very sad.

I think you did a really great thing for your dd in meeting up with him though. I think you did an even better thing in not telling her who he was in case something like this happened.

naebotherpal · 07/05/2018 19:20

Yearof What she did was accept her ex’s request to meet his daughter. She absolutely did the right thing by saying yes. The child is only 3, so of course she didn’t tell her who he was.

But now she can look her daughter in the eye in 10/12 years and say that she didn’t stand in the way of him having a relationship with her. It’s one meeting and she’s left the ball in his court since.

How can that come back and bite her?

YearOfYouRemember · 07/05/2018 19:26

Three is very young but I'm sure she'd understand what this is your daddy means and it would have changed the whole meeting.

naebotherpal · 07/05/2018 19:28

In what way? And in what way that would benefit the daughter? Do you think it would have made him make contact since?

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 07/05/2018 19:29

Thanks Naebotherpal. I have no doubt I did the correct thing by my DD meeting him. I have some lovely photos which I can show her one day when she is old enough. She is way too young to understand that he is her dad. All she knows is her daddy lives in Australia which is enough at this stage.

I'm sure he will contact me in the next couple of months. I just expected more of him, especially his family. Now I'm not entirely sure if I want her to meet his dad/brother. It's a lot of effort and I feel they are showing little to no commitment to this so why should I.

I will still email him photos occasionally throughout the year so I know I did my bit.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 07/05/2018 19:32

Do his dad and brother definitely know about her? Maybe he's yet to tell them?

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 07/05/2018 19:35

Yes they do. I know because I got an accidentally facebook friend request from his brothers wife about 2 months ago Shock

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 07/05/2018 19:36

Perhaps ask the other relatives to write a little letter to her and send some photos, if they get in touch. That requires them to make a little effort first, and prove their interest and commitment. If they don't do that, then you don't go to the effort of meeting them. Give them a neutral address, so you know they won't just turn up.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 07/05/2018 19:40

Yes good idea picklemepopcorn. He asked if they could meet her, but now after all this time I don't feel they deserve it. So a letter seems like a better idea to me. I still don't want to block them from being in touch.

OP posts:
Zeelove · 07/05/2018 19:45

You did the right thing and you sound very sensible in all of this. What will you do if he asks to see her in a years time and has only given the bare minimum?

ElizaDontlittle · 07/05/2018 19:47

That's so disappointing for you. Especially as it went so well. I guess some people are very 'out of sight out of mind' and you've no way of knowing what he told his dad and brother.

But Flowers for you and I hope you can put him out of your mind and keep being the amazing mum that you are. Your little girl sounds brilliant!

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 07/05/2018 19:49

I think if he asks again, I will have some pretty strong words to say to him beforehand. This time I was was pretty chilled about it and tried to keep it as natural as possible. Next time (if there is one) then I will tell him my concerns and ask him to think long and hard if he is doing this for the right reasons.

I want my DD to have a relationship with her dad, but I knew it was a risk knowing the way he is. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. And at the moment I feel he hasn't changed in the slightest.

OP posts:
0hCrepe · 07/05/2018 20:01

It sounds like he was and always will be a charming, good looking but extremely self centred man. He will always let you down and isn’t good enough for you or your dd.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 07/05/2018 20:17

OhCrepe, yep spot on! I'm glad she met him, at least I can say I tried Smile

OP posts:
lostlemon · 07/05/2018 20:35

OP - if there is any chance your DD can get australian citizenship then i would sort that out for her. I do think being able to move freely between countries is going to become a huge advantage. If you can secure this through her fathers status it will be well worth it.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/05/2018 20:42

When he met up with you he was just being utterly self absorbed. Moaning about his disillusionment with the AussieBastard dream, about the loss of his mum, focusing on you because he wanted your sympathy and kindness - not on his daughter, who he should have been agog over.

Just a selfish, vain man, using your kindness for an afternoon, who can now say to people he ‘did the right thing’ in meeting his D Hmm Please don’t chase him now. Let him contact you if he wants photos.

He sounds like a prick and pathetic really. You sound great and I’m sure your DD is wonderful. Stay strong Flowers

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 07/05/2018 20:59

Atrocious your posts absolutely crack me up! Grin but you are so spot on about the aussiebastard Grin

I guess I wanted to believe he could possibly of changed..even just a bit. Meeting him was important for my DD and I'm glad I did it. I don't feel upset by this all, just disappointed for my DD more than anything. Now I know by his actions that he is not committed in anyway shape of form. This whole exercise was about him, not about wanting to do what was best for our DD.

OP posts:
NoKnownFather · 07/05/2018 23:54

A sad outcome when you went into the meeting for all the right reasons, sorry for you CherryBlossom. But in saying that, I think your DD's age and the fact you didn't tell her who he was, has saved her from that stab-in-the-heart feeling you have now, and as mother's we accept this suffering to shield our children. Kudos to you for that!!

I know it's your decision, but with this latest info I wouldn't be in a rush to send him photos...let him ask for them and prove he's really interested in your DD. You have proof for your DD in later years that you tried, but unfortunately her father didn't put in as much effort, just proves he hasn't changed after all. There's a chance his dad and brother don't know what he suggested, but I wouldn't give them too much leeway either. Nothing to stop them making their own contact, but in 3 yrs they hadn't bothered.

Flowers
YearOfYouRemember · 08/05/2018 11:41

I'm sorry things haven't gone as you hoped.

Devilishpyjamas · 08/05/2018 11:51

He sounds hard work.

LexieLulu · 08/05/2018 11:58

At least you have photos of your DD with her DF.

In years to come when she asks Q's you have something to show her

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 08/05/2018 12:17

Seems I spoke too soon!

I didn't actually mention that the day after we met, he sent me a message to thank me for the day and for the photos I took. He said he would be in touch with photos from oz. When I didn't hear back I assumed he couldn't be bothered.

But today he wrote quite a nice email saying he is sending my DD a letter and photos he has taken over the last month. He is sending this in the post which to be is showing a level of respect to my DD rather than just an email. So it's a teeny tiny step in the right direction.

He spoke about how he thinks about our meeting in the park regularly and that it's lovely to see how much joy she brings to my life. He also spoke a bit about how his life is going.

So I'm happy with this level of contact. It's small but a good step in the right direction.

Initially he asked for email updates approximately every 2-3 times a year, but currently it's monthly, sometimes more. So if this continues and he shows a good level of commitment to communication over the next 1-2 years then I will tell my DD he is her father. Sound good?

OP posts: