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Original poster

About to have the single most awkward meeting of my life..

206 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 28/03/2018 19:52

Hi everyone,

The subject says it all really. My DD who has just turned 3 will be meeting her biological dad in a couple of weeks.

We had a whirl wind romance I fell pregnant, he left to live in Australia and we’ve had no contact since.

Last year I had to contact him to get some medical information from him and he said he would like to find out more about his DD. Up until this point he didn’t even know her name. It has literally just been photos and letters until now, he asked me about a month ago if he could see my DD as he is visiting the UK to see family and I have agreed.

I know what he did was unforgivable walking out on us. But I’m doing this for my DD. She won’t be told who he is.

We are going to a park for a couple of hours and having tea and cake.

If he gets emotional then I’ll walk away because my DD won’t understand it. My only concern is that my DD will be ok and enjoy playing in the park.

I haven’t seen him him in over 4 years, this is going to be the single most awkward meeting of my life.

Any tips to get through this? 😬

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 28/03/2018 22:30

My expectations are very low. And I can’t wait to get the whole thing over with tbh! 😝

OP posts:
MrsMaisel · 28/03/2018 22:31

Of course it's for your daughter. It's not just to say that he wanted to see her and he did. If you don't let him see her, then you may snuff out any chance of them having some sort of relationship when she's older. Perhaps seeing her will make him want to be more in her life. You're very brave not wanting to seize control of the situation and say no. Not meaning that in a judgmental way - but just an observation. If you wanted to shut him out it's in your power.

LucheroTena · 28/03/2018 22:37

I think what you’re doing is great. I do think he should be expected to pay maintenance, regardless of whether his interest continues. It can go into a savings fund for her when she’s older. Especially if you’re not wealthy. My mum was too proud to chase maintenance (back then the court was less interested) and I missed out on a lot of things that children in 2 parent families took for granted. Plus father was never made to face up to any responsibility and the fecklessness continued throughout his life.

VladmirsPoutine · 28/03/2018 22:42

I wouldn't do this but I hope it works out for you. He doesn't pay any maintenance and lives in the other side of the world. She won't give two hoots about who he is as he's just mummy's friend and she'll most likely be more interested in playing on the swings etc.

I don't know why you are doing this. But if it's what you want then so be it.

I'd avoid him like the plague and at the minute it does sound to me more like something you are doing for your own benefit rather than your dd's.

Quantumblue · 28/03/2018 22:45

I think you are doing this just right. Whether a relationship builds between them or he bails again you will always be able to tell her that he met her and show her a photo of them together. Have a think about what sort of financial contribution you would accept and under what terms, do that you can have a sensible conversation about it if you want to.

MammaTJ · 28/03/2018 22:48

I think carry on the meeting as though bumping into a stranger, but record it, if you can, as future evidence for your child as parentage.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 28/03/2018 22:52

Vlad, odd post. Why on earth would I want to put myself through this just for my benefit? This is 100% purely for my DD. Simple as that. Regardless of the outcome least I said I tried.

Financially I’m lucky and fine on my own. I own a house, car, work etc so I don’t need him. And prefer not to have his money. If he open a trust fund then fine he can do that but the first step is the establish a relationship with her first. And with him being in Australia I don’t seem him as a massive threat.

OP posts:
outabout · 28/03/2018 22:57

At some point in her life DD will want to know something about her Biological father and although stressful for this meeting (for you) even a 'snapshot' recorded on camera will mean an awful lot. It might take another 50 years or more but you will have provided that glimpse.

confuddledconfudle · 28/03/2018 23:06

I think it's really mature of you op. It is very easy to be bitter and tell him to hop on his bike. It takes more courage to be the bigger person and put your daughter first.

I think you will find once the ice has been broken by hellos etc that you will have lots to talk about - your daughter - it will make him realise hopefully how much he has missed out on and that he is the loser in this

Mrsramsayscat · 28/03/2018 23:09

I agree it's a good thing to do. A friend of mine has a daughter who wished to contact her biological father as an adult and he was very hard to find. You may help to prevent that scenario, if nothing else.

Missingstreetlife · 29/03/2018 07:04

Definately get a photo, and an address. He could send a greeting for her birthday and other significant dates. Important for her to know that you liked him once, even if he didn't come up with the goods.
Well done for following your instinct. Just see how it goes, it may be just chit chat, or something meaningful may develop.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 29/03/2018 07:46

I think it is very clear the OP is doing this for her daughter's benefit.

Where children grow up not knowing a biological parent, the absence of information can become a point of massive insecurity and anxiety. Any adopted child could tell you that. Just having the answers to all the basic questions (what does he look like, medical history, what sort of family does he come from, can I meet him, does he have other children) could prevent the subject becoming a major issue for her daughter.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 29/03/2018 08:08

He sent her a birthday card and I think aims to start building up communication. But we will see how this meeting goes.

I am so grateful for this site, it’s such a massive source of helpful information and great advice - thanks so much! 😊

OP posts:
outabout · 29/03/2018 08:15

Good point about medical history although OP said early on she had contacted (dad) for some medical info.
As an adopted child I have no parental or grandparental medical history and in turn this means my DC has a 'gap' from my side of the partnership. With the advances in medicine and being able to identify various illnesses through family bloodlines this is getting even more important.

123MothergotafleA · 29/03/2018 08:23

Hoping the meeting goes well for you all.

Vitalogy · 29/03/2018 08:25

I agree with what MyRelationshipIsWeird
You sound selfless OP. Hope all goes well with the meet up.

museumum · 29/03/2018 08:29

I think you’re doing a great thing OP. Well done!

It’s not like he left you just cause he was an arse. It was a fling and he is Australian. Cross-continent relationships are hard enough if you’re deeply in love, not really viable if not.
It’s great for your dd to know that he saw her whenever he was in the U.K. (take a photo to show her) and although absent he isn’t some awful guilty secret or never to be mentioned.

Addy2 · 29/03/2018 08:30

Good for you, OP. I know it'd be easier in many respects to deny him the opportunity to meet her, but this will help your DD develop her sense of identity and will probably help you answer some of her questions later on. Children benefit from knowing where half their DNA comes from- you can Google 'psychological effects of not knowing father' to back this up. I have also posted a link below. You are being very selfless IMO and definitely doing the right thing.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201205/father-absence-father-deficit-father-hunger%3famp

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 29/03/2018 08:35

Thanks Addy for the link I’ll take a look at it.

He is actually English, but when we met he had plans to go to Australia. It was more then just a fling, we were in a proper relationship. And he was honest from the start but he wanted his cake and eat it! I know he liked even possibly loved me, but as I think the pull to leave to Australia was too big coupled with his commitment issues (no long relationships and nearly 40) it was inevitable he would leave. But his mother died two years ago and I think this may be a turning point in his life.

OP posts:
pickledparsnip · 29/03/2018 08:42

OP I'm not really sure why people are giving you a hard time about meeting up with him. I think you are doing the right thing, but in all honesty it doesn't matter a jot what random people on the internet think.

My ex (father of my ds), didn't meet his daughter til she was a similar age. He missed out on so much, and there was a lot of emotion and guilt on his part (rightly so, he was a massive twat). She has now decided she no longer wants to see him regularly, but she knows he's there, and has photos and can contact him if she wants. Thankfully he now pays maintenance too.

Good luck for today. Get a photo, show her when she's older. Hopefully this will be the beginning of more contact. Also tell the fucker he needs to financially contribute.

Let us know how you get on.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 29/03/2018 08:49

Thanks Pickled! The meeting isn’t until two weeks time. So I’ve got time to mentally prepare myself for this 😆

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 29/03/2018 09:04

But his mother died two years ago and I think this may be a turning point in his life. Yes, reassessing to what's important in life, one of the positives of a loved ones death.

LadyFuchsiaGroan · 29/03/2018 09:18

I have so much respect for what your doing op - and when your daughter is old enough it will be important to her that you never denied her contact with her 'father' and will make up her own mind about his actions. I have so much respect for you and your dd is lucky to have such a selfless and supportive mother.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 29/03/2018 09:26

Thank you LadyFuscia 😊 for your kind words.

For me this has never been about money or the get back at her father. This is purely to help give my DD a greater knowledge of her identify and security that her father did want to be apart of her life.

I’ve seen so many women (and men) just literally at war with one another. I know it’s hard. But the bitterness and hate between two parents just hurts the child. For me being a good role model, someone who cares and try’s to create a good positive relationship between her and her father is more beneficial. It’s pointless bringing up the past IMO.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 29/03/2018 10:06

Speaking as adoptive parent, I do think you're doing the right thing. I never got to see our DDs' birth parents, as they were aggressive and volatile and it was deemed inappropriate. I'm very sorry about that. We've encouraged links with their birth siblings, though, and I'm in touch with their older half sister's adoptive mum.

As you say, I've always felt that I wanted to be able to look my DDs in the eye and tell them I did what I could to maintain links with their family of origin.

Good luck for today, OP. Thanks