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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

About to have the single most awkward meeting of my life..

206 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 28/03/2018 19:52

Hi everyone,

The subject says it all really. My DD who has just turned 3 will be meeting her biological dad in a couple of weeks.

We had a whirl wind romance I fell pregnant, he left to live in Australia and we’ve had no contact since.

Last year I had to contact him to get some medical information from him and he said he would like to find out more about his DD. Up until this point he didn’t even know her name. It has literally just been photos and letters until now, he asked me about a month ago if he could see my DD as he is visiting the UK to see family and I have agreed.

I know what he did was unforgivable walking out on us. But I’m doing this for my DD. She won’t be told who he is.

We are going to a park for a couple of hours and having tea and cake.

If he gets emotional then I’ll walk away because my DD won’t understand it. My only concern is that my DD will be ok and enjoy playing in the park.

I haven’t seen him him in over 4 years, this is going to be the single most awkward meeting of my life.

Any tips to get through this? 😬

OP posts:
Katara · 29/03/2018 10:20

The only point to bringing up the past is to emphasise this is all new to your DD and whatever relationship they have will be and must be gradual and consistent going forward. That is not to get at her dad, but to foreground DD’s needs.

I have been ‘at war’ with DS’s dad to the extent of court (my arguments were upheld), but because he refuses to recognise DS’s best interests as oppose to his own. So far this does not sound like what you are dealing with. However when I was reflecting on your situation, the note of caution I have is to allow yourself time to reflect. If he proposes any kind of regular contact, be positive but say you need time to reflect on the details. Do not get caught up in his emotion and promises - you have day to day reality to deal with.

I think you are doing a great job and reading the situation well, good luck going forward Flowers

DonaldWeasley · 29/03/2018 10:56

My friend had a similar co-parent (who didn’t do any actual parenting!) who got back in touch when her son was 5. The boy had started asking about where his daddy was when he started school. They always want to know, but tend to be completely unfazed by the answer, as long as the parent is.

You sound brilliant and like you will make the right decisions for your daughter. I do agree with the other posters that it might be better to tell her it’s her dad very early on in the “relationship”, whether that’s before the meeting or once he’s shown he plans to stick around. Just so it’s something she’s always known rather than a big announcement. But like I say, follow your gut, you’re doing a great job!

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 29/03/2018 13:21

I will definitely tell her it’s her dad soon. But he has only been in our lives since December. It’s too early for that.

He won’t have regular contact, he lives in Australia. Skype calls, emails, photos and the occasional visit from her dad every 2 years will be the extent of it. I can’t see him giving up his surfer lifestyle for his daughter. He is too selfish for that.

OP posts:
DobbyisFREE · 29/03/2018 14:30

You sound like an amazing mum, you really do.

I come from a very split home and my mother missed most of my childhood. My father went to great effort to ensure I could contact her at any time and never blocked her seeing me. I can't tell you how much I love him for that. You are a very kind person to consider the grandparents and other family members, they often miss out through no fault of their own.

If I were in your shoes I'd probably take my DD for a day out some time before the meeting to somewhere interesting. This would give you a nice day out with her and lots of talking material. You can tell him all about the fun day you had as well as her general likes / dislikes. You could even avoid talking to him by directing questions / conversations at your DD - "DD, tell AusieBastard all about the sheep you saw last week", that sort of thing.

Having been the child in a similar situation I can tell you that your efforts do matter and will never be forgotten. Ever.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 29/03/2018 14:35

Tell AusieBastard all about the sheep you saw last week", that sort of thing.

This comment made me laugh out loud 🤣 from now ‘Aussiebastard’ is going to be what I call him throughout this process (obviously all in my head!) I’m always careful
about not bad mouthing her dad.

OP posts:
outabout · 29/03/2018 15:45

It may be worth checking what the word means before saying it.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 09/04/2018 14:33

‘D’ day is this Thursday! 😬 Wish me luck! I’m not worried about it or losing sleep over it. I suspect he will be though 🤣

OP posts:
TM71 · 09/04/2018 15:03

I was a single mom for 6 yrs before I met my dp who took on the role as dad.

Lili has never know or asked about her dad, he would much rather not know her or want anyhin to do with her.

I think what you are doing is very brave, I certainly never could or would want too as we have our family now and she has a man for a father she could be proud of.

I hope it goes well, I would be so nervous. Good luck.

Vitalogy · 09/04/2018 15:18

Hope all goes well.

DeegeeDee · 09/04/2018 15:24

Good luck @cherryblossom200 - you've got a sensible plan laid down and a lovely name for a lovely time of year.

rollingonariver · 09/04/2018 15:37

Good luck! I'm sure it'll just be like meeting an old friend Smile

GeekyWombat · 09/04/2018 15:41

Good luck CherryBlossom. It sounds like you’re as prepared as you can be. Got my fingers crossed for you both.

GeekyWombat · 09/04/2018 15:44

(By ‘both’ I mean you and DD. AussieBastard can jog on surf on)

SisterMoonshine · 09/04/2018 18:28

Good luck. I think you're going about it the right way Smile

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 09/04/2018 18:55

Thanks everyone 😊 it’s just a shame as I think the weather isn’t going to be great. We’re meeting at a big park and then going to tea and cake. I’m just hoping it doesn’t rain the whole day, otherwise I’ll have to find something to do inside which wouldn’t be ideal Hmm

OP posts:
rollingonariver · 09/04/2018 21:22

Maybe a quiet soft play if it's raining op?

Cistersaredoingitforthemselves · 09/04/2018 21:30

I had to contact my DDs father when she was 13 due to a suspected medical issue. He had never met her.
I met him first and showed him some photos. I told him I would talk to Dd to see if she wanted to meet him. He wrote her a letter and left it open so I could read it.
I warned him that if he got a foot wrong I would wring his neck...

A few weeks later I went with her to meet him. Dd and I had a secret phrase to utter if she wanted to leave.

She didn't use it

I haven't had to wring his neck in 20 years... but he knows I am still watching him....

Prestonsflowers · 09/04/2018 21:41

De lurking to wish you well cherryblossom200
I think you are doing an amazing thing for your daughter.
Best wishes for Thursday
💐💐

NoKnownFather · 10/04/2018 03:48

Cherryblossom200 Will be thinking of you and hope it doesn't rain, but I'm sure you will have a Plan B.

The suggestion from 'Cistersaredoingitforthemselves - - Dd and I had a secret phrase to utter if she wanted to leave'.... is a good one for future meetings, but I realise your DD is too young for this just now.

;-)

RebootYourEngine · 10/04/2018 04:23

Good luck for Thursday. Thanks

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 10/04/2018 10:50

Thank you everybody! 😊 x

OP posts:
Jon66 · 10/04/2018 10:54

You really are doing the right thing.

trixymalixy · 10/04/2018 11:04

I hope the meeting goes well OP. I think you are doing the right thing too.

pumpkinpie01 · 10/04/2018 11:13

No doubt you are doing the right thing and anyone that says you arent needs to be ignored. Years down the line if she asks 'didnt my dad ever want to see me' you wont have to say' yes he did but I didnt let him ' how angry could she be with you then ?! (My son got in touch with his biological father at 15 but decided not to take it any further, he thought what was the point after all those years, they have therefore never met )

I can see how nervous you are going to be, hopefully conversation will flow and it wont be too awkward, good luck !! x

GlitteryFluff · 10/04/2018 11:18

Good luck for Thursday.
As awkward as it is you're doing the right thing.
In years to come she'll know you facilitated what you could (even if he isn't in her life anymore).
I would try to take a few pics. So if nothing else comes from it she will have a photo when she's older.
Thanks